Not sure where to put this but exH is in intensive care, I feel numb!

[ThreeDaughtersLoveSandwiches]

I spoke to exMIL tonight as exH has tried to kill himself by setting his car on fire whilst sat inside. I'm sat here not really knowing what to do or think really.

I had another thread on here recently about him, I never thought he would do this.

He has been put into a coma but his mum says he is in a bad way. We have a 5 and 3 year old plus my 11 year old DD. What do I tell them?

I feel like shit! I should have made him get help! He drank up to 20 pints a day how could they have not thought this would end badly!

I have known him since I was 18, that's nearly half my life!

Shit!

Telling DD1 was a little strange, I'm guessing she was in shock. She asked some questions which I answered if possible but some I said I couldn't answer right now.

She asked where it had happened and who found him. I told her the basic facts that it happened in his car and someone on the street found him. She said she thought he had done something silly. She then said she wanted to go to bed. I told her that if she had anymore questions to ask and I would do my best to answer.

People I have spoken to in years have messaged me and offered their support, I feel like a fraud

People I haven't spoken to in years, I always forget the n't part!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

People are messaging because they recognise how hard this must be for you- whatever the 'official' definition of your relationship. He was part of your life and you cared for him.

You're not a fraud. Your feelings are justified and need acknowledging by you first and foremost. Other people can see why but you can't at the moment

I will grieve enormously when my ex goes, because I loved him so much for a long time. He struggled with alcoholism and also mental illness. Both made him very difficult to live with and at times abusive. Our divorce was horrible. Other people possibly do not understand how I could divorce a man so determinedly (he did not wish to divorce) yet care about him. He's also the father of my DC. I think you should expect yourself to grieve as a partner

We were so much better as friends than we were partners. I first met him when I was 18 and he was one of my best friends, he was DD1 s godfather. We fell out for about 3 years and when we got back in touch started a relationship.

I think an awful lot of our problems were caused by the drinking. I think if it wasn't for that the relationship would have been a lot stronger.

He could make me angry and then make me laugh. I could talk to him about pretty much everything. He wanted to be friends and I said after everything that had happened I couldn't do that.

I have told the younger 2 now. They took it ok. DD3 just kept saying daddy is dead but the older one was a bit more sad. She said DD1 has a dad and we don't, it's not fair. I said he will always be your dad but he is now in heaven. She said he isn't their dad because they can't see him. She said he wasn't going to be able to take them to the park anymore

They are downstairs playing at the moment, I have a feeling they will keep forgetting and I will have to keep reminding them.

Drink is a bastard

The only person who can change that is the drinker. Until they stop drinking you cannot have a normal relationship.

Would it help them at some point to put together a collage of memories of their dada?

Dad... An extra a snuck in there

DD1 doesn't see her dad at all as he chose not to. As she was speaking about him a lot I got a photo frame that fitted 10 pictures so she could have one of her and her dad in her bedroom. So the other 2 DDs weren't left out I got them on as well. I told them this morning we would do it and DD2 said she wanted to.

I said that daddy had died like the bee yesterday and DD2 said can I still see Phil (his name) and DD3 said she could see daddy daycare, they watched the film with him and she had started calling him that.

Thank you, you are right in the wrong hands alcohol is life destroying!

Couldn't read this & not post, so terribly sad & so difficult for you to have to deal with the consequences of what as happened. It's completely natural for you to grieve, be kind to yourself.

Three daughters I am so very sorry for your loss.

You'll no doubt go through the huge range of emotions over the next few weeks and months but please remember this: there is nothing you could have done. As humans we are all accountable for our own choices and actions, you cannot take responsibility for anyone else's actions.

My dad committed suicide 23 years ago, he too was an alcoholic. He had the help laid out on a plate in front of him, he still chose the drink. It is a selfish illness and makes the outcome so much harder.

I am truly sorry for your loss. Love to you and your daughters.

Op.

Your thread has made me cry. I really feel for you & your daughters.

Unfortunately my family experienced a very similar situation 22 years ago. My step dad hung himself. He was an alcoholic. My mum had left him but intended to return, he didn't believe her.

I was 17, my sister was 15 & brother was 13. My mother never got over it & although she drank before step father's death, she wasn't an alcoholic. She has been an alcoholic for over 20 years now.

So i lost my very lovely, kind & caring step dad. I also lost my mother. She crippled with ill health due to alcohol & smoking. She was 44 when he died, part of her died with him. Total waste...

Dont feel guilty. Alcoholics are their own worst enemy. Now, your responsible just for your little girls & yourself. Look after yourself so you can look after your daughters.

Take care. Thinking of you all. x

I'm so sorry your family went through that. Used responsibly alcohol isn't a problem but for certain people it really does ruin life.

I have spoken to exMIL this morning and they are absolutely devastated. They aren't up to seeing the DDs at the moment but will contact me in a couple of days.

I'm worried that the DC will say something that will upset them. We have got exHs dog with us and DD2 said he will be here forever now and I said maybe not her reply was yes because daddy is dead

So sorry to read about this wishing you lots of strength to cope with what lies ahead.

"Our divorce was horrible. Other people possibly do not understand how I could divorce a man so determinedly (he did not wish to divorce) yet care about him. He's also the father of my DC. "

Me too, thank you for writing that, you wrote it for both of us.

Sending you love and care. So very sorry to hear of what has happened.

Thank you WellWobbly

3Daughters I hope the girls have been ok today - you will all need each other

The girls have been ok. As expected DD3 doesn't seem to have a clue what I was talking about and hasn't mentioned him much. DD2 seemed ok this morning but while we were walking the dog she kept stopping and doing a waily (if that is even a word) kind of cry but with no tears. I asked what was wrong and she was saying that she wanted her daddy here and how she loved him and me more than anybody. She has mentioned him a few times since, like how he only has a lap belt in the back of his car in the middle.

I am going to go into DD2s school (primary) and phone DD1s school (secondary) to warn them. Though DD1 hasn't mentioned it to anybody today so might be avoiding it?

She is due to see someone from the child and adult mental health team on this week due to possible learning difficulties so maybe that explains why she doesn't seem interested or maybe it's because she hasn't had much or a relationship him since just before Christmas.

Thank you for asking.

Sorry to hear this. You sound like a really good mum - being so thoughtful about how to help your daughters understand this. Hope you are all doing ok and can get some good support from family and friends.

A friend of mines son required help coming to terms with the lose of a sibling and she recommended a local charity as did a social worker I know who says they use them so will probably try that root first.

I have seen a couple of articles on the Internet that say children benefit from going to a parents funeral even if they are very young, I'm still not sure.

Do they normally release the body before or after the inquest? DD2 has asked a few times today when everyone one will say nice things about her dad

I would have liked to have gone to my dads funeral and I really feel I would have benefited from it and some of my anger now is because my grandmother didn't think my sisters and I should go. Personally I think it would have helped me.

I am sorry you and your daughters are going through such difficult moments. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you.

Sparkle101 one of the articles i read online said that basically nobody who went to a funeral of a parent felt any negative effects but I think 75% of people who weren't allowed to go regretted it and some were still angry 40 years on.

www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2011/jan/16/young-children-at-parents-funeral

Hi op,

I'm so sorry to hear about your ex husbands death. My (absent) father committed suicide when I was 9, I think you've done great so far in explaining things to your daughters. It's so sad, I'm sure the four of you will keep each other strong and look after each other x

Thank you. There is no preparation for this is there?! It feels a bit like I'm winging it and hoping not to make it worse than it needs to be.

We took the dog for a walk earlier and if the girls went out of sight he barked like crazy :(