Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure where to put this but exH is in intensive care, I feel numb!

100 replies

ThreeDaughtersLoveSandwiches · 05/09/2013 21:14

I spoke to exMIL tonight as exH has tried to kill himself by setting his car on fire whilst sat inside. I'm sat here not really knowing what to do or think really.

I had another thread on here recently about him, I never thought he would do this.

He has been put into a coma but his mum says he is in a bad way. We have a 5 and 3 year old plus my 11 year old DD. What do I tell them?

I feel like shit! I should have made him get help! He drank up to 20 pints a day how could they have not thought this would end badly!

I have known him since I was 18, that's nearly half my life!

Shit!

OP posts:
springytufty · 07/09/2013 02:20

Alcohol killed him, Three - or his addiction to it.

It may be useless at the moment to say that it wasn't your fault but I hope you remember it. My ex died suddenly and unexpectedly and you can't help feeling a lot of guilt. It's grief, really. You couldn't have done anything to prevent this. He was very seriously ill and there was nothing you could have done. Nothing at all.

Do get yourself some good support. Bereavement in a situation like this is called a 'complex bereavement' ie there are many strands to it, some good, some not so good; you need help to work your way through it. Suicide in itself leaves a dreadful legacy to those left behind. Do make sure you get yourself proper bereavement support. The kids too, of course, but please don't forget yourself . You will need it (take it from me).

I'm so sorry Three . Please accept my sincere condolences.

Original poster
ThreeDaughtersLoveSandwiches · 07/09/2013 02:36

Thank you for you kind messages I will look at the Winston wish link in the morning.

OP posts:
cloudskitchen · 07/09/2013 06:08

So sorry to read the news. So very sad for you all Thanks

Isabeller · 07/09/2013 06:18

So sorry you are going through this. Remember you can ring the samaritans day or night, they are very supportive and will really understand what you are going through.

Mixxy · 07/09/2013 06:23

I'm very sorry to hear that Sandwiches. I can speak of the devastating impact of suicide and alcoholism.

Just remember: none of this is your fault. None of it.

AlexReidsLonelyBraincell · 07/09/2013 06:32

I am so sorry Three. I hope you have people around you who are supporting you and your dc at this awful time.
He wasn't well, there wasn't anything you could have done to change it. Please be kind to yourself.
Flowers

PaddyP00 · 07/09/2013 06:52

I am so sorry for you all.

As others have said, this is not your fault. Be kind to yourself and hold your beautiful children close xx

TiredDog · 07/09/2013 06:59

You poor thing. I really am so so sorry. You will need support to get through this. Please make sure you get it. Keep posting

Johnny5needsinput · 07/09/2013 07:00

Oh I'm so sorry xx as everyone else has said, be kind to yourself. Thinking of you and your girls

TiredDog · 07/09/2013 07:02

If I could highlight posts it would be. Springytufty. I too have experience of a complex bereavement (but fortunately from a distant perspective) The ripples from it affected many of us for years. Please start accessing help for all of you

SamsGoldilocks · 07/09/2013 07:02

Im sorry about your loss. He has his peace now and I hope you find some too.

SamsGoldilocks · 07/09/2013 07:04

Im sorry about your loss. He has his peace now and I hope you find some too.

Original poster
ThreeDaughtersLoveSandwiches · 07/09/2013 09:07

Thank you for your kind replies.

I want to speak to him, to say sorry for anything I did or said to hurt him and that i forgive the things he did to hurt me.

I wish we could have remained friends.

An ex-girlfriend of one of his closest friends put a Facebook status about it last night which annoyed me a bit. I think it was because it feels like I don't have the right to be upset about it so why should she, obviously I haven't said anything.

OP posts:
springytufty · 07/09/2013 09:34

Yes, I also felt I had no right to be grieving. We were very acrimoniously divorced and it was no secret that we were sworn enemies. But I loved him once, very much; he was my husband, we had children together. So I did grieve - very deeply, actually (still am, really - there is so much sorrow). I felt his current wife, parents, our kids, his family had more 'right' to grieve and that I had to keep quiet about my own grief, like I wasn't allowed to grieve. You may feel your emotions swing about a lot in the weeks to come - keep close to your trusted friends. At one point I felt I fell passionately in love with him all over again; I also felt I went through the horror and pain, all over again, of our divorce - all in minature iyswim; my friends gently reasoned me through the excessive stages. Feelings can be extreme, it can be a very confusing and wretched time. Get all the support you can. You have the right to fully grieve.

springytufty · 07/09/2013 09:39

btw I was the instigator of the end of our marriage, which made it seem like I was out of the picture as far as grieving for him went. Not so.

CCTVmum · 07/09/2013 09:41

(((ThreeDaughters)))

Remember your ex was ill and his illness killed him like any serious illness be it cancer, bipolar, depression or heart attack.
It was severe and nothing no one could do or say as his impulsiveness to want to die was extreme and very violent. I know it doesnt help but he now has peace and free from the illness.
You were their for him and he did talk and you did listen. You could not do no more. When he made the very serious attempt to slit his throat previous to that if he had contact with hospital it was actually their responsibility to get him the help even if it meant detainment. This was beyond your or his parents power.

Children are the most amazing rocks of strength at this time and having lots of hugs with mum and his parents will help so much as this is the closest thing they and you have to him now. I hope you come together now as a family to support each other. With your little ones daddy gone to heaven as was ill or car accident at worst. Best to leave the sucide out of it as too young to have this distress. Your older dd will understand. Take your time this a huge huge shock and very horrendous time.

FriedSprout · 07/09/2013 09:46

So sorry it ended like this.

Can I suggest that you write everything down that you wanted to tell him it often helps. Also perhaps suspend your Facebook account for a few months. Death brings out some very odd posts in my experience, not all of them measured and thoughtful.

Take care

Original poster
ThreeDaughtersLoveSandwiches · 07/09/2013 10:08

Thank you, you areal very kind.

I deleted the majority of people who knew him a couple of years ago as stuff I was putting on there was getting back to him and he wouldn't tell me who it was.

I am so glad we got on in the last few weeks and he got to spend some time with the girls. They loved going to the park with him as he could push the on the swings much higher than I can and on the roundabout much faster.

He had a way of making me laugh even when I was cross with him. I think I will give Winstons wish a call today for advice on how best to tell the DDs.

OP posts:
whattodoo · 07/09/2013 10:16

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish you much strength and hope you have some compassionate people around you who will understand that you are grieving despite your separation from him.
Winston's Wish sounds like a great idea. As someone who lost a parent when 2yo, I assure you that even your youngest will be affected by this.
But you sound full of love and compassion and together you will come to terms with this.

LEMisdisappointed · 07/09/2013 11:46

I am so sorry for your loss OP :( How very very sad - poor man.

You must allow yourself to grieve, he was your ex for lots of reasons, but you loved him and that part of you will need to grieve.

His illness got the better of him, he is at peace now Flowers

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 07/09/2013 17:47

Gosh how sad three, sad for him, you and your children. Hope the lovely times and memories with him outweigh the bad. x

Wellwobbly · 07/09/2013 18:09

Three, so sorry for your loss. You go ahead and grieve, who says we stop loving and caring about these impossible men!

"I should have listened to him, maybe he would still be well if he had somebody to talk to who he trusted. I tried telling him that the alcohol wasn't any good for him but he wouldn't listen. "

There was absolutely nothing you could do. You didn't do the wrong thing letting go and giving up.

As Springy wrote, there is so much pain in surrendering and letting go of someone we love and care about, when we stop our futile efforts and focus on us instead. It hurts so much, Three.

He is at peace now, and he is not hurting any more.

Original poster
ThreeDaughtersLoveSandwiches · 07/09/2013 18:38

There are so many what ifs!

I didn't get a huge amount of sleep last night so an early night for me.

I will tell DD1 tonight on her own and the younger 2 in the morning.

OP posts:
cloudskitchen · 07/09/2013 23:16

I hope it went as ok as possible with dd1. Thinking of you tomorrow morning as well when you talk the the your other two x

Jux · 07/09/2013 23:29

OP, I'm so sorry.

Good luck in the morning. FWIW, when a dear friend of ours died when dd was 3ish, I told her he'd become a star and she could see him every night twinkling at her. He'd watch over her from up there.

Swipe left for the next trending thread