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Original poster

In hindsight, I wouldn't have had IVF to have you

30 replies

BigPawsBrown · 04/09/2013 23:54

Regular, name changed. Yoni etc.

My mum said the above to me recently. She conceived me naturally (I am 31) but we were talking about biological clocks ticking and she said she wouldn't have bothered with IVF "in hindsight".

HmmHmmHmm

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 04/09/2013 23:57

ouch. that is below the belt.

did she mean she could not have gone throught the medical bit rather than you personally are not worth it?

SinisterSal · 04/09/2013 23:57

Gosh that's harsh. Sorry

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 04/09/2013 23:58

I don't know. If just medical I don't know why she would have said "in hindsight"?

OP posts:
runningforthebusinheels · 04/09/2013 23:59

Do you think she was talking about you personally, or just that she wouldn't have had children if she couldn't conceive naturally?

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 05/09/2013 00:01

Probably children but the hindsight made it personal to me I feel...

I am wondering if she may be toxic, we have a difficult relationship Confused

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 05/09/2013 00:02

How did that conversation end?

Sounds very ill-judged on her part. Sorry it has hurt you.

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 05/09/2013 00:03

I went "hmm" as I always do. I feel like we are so not on the same wavelength at all that there is little point challenging her.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/09/2013 00:39

I'd probably have thought that she meant that because she conceived naturally, she wouldn't have bothered with IVF because it was a waste of time and money and a hassle.

runningforthebusinheels · 05/09/2013 00:43

Awful thing to say to your child either way tbh.

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 05/09/2013 00:48

Thank you Hmm

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/09/2013 00:57

What I mean is that had she known she was able to conceive naturally, she wouldn't have done IVF.

IVF is reportedly (I haven't done it) hard to go through. Not to undertake lightly.

Bogeyface · 05/09/2013 01:49

As an off the cuff remark that she didnt mean personally I would say "Oh thanks Mum, I love you too!" and she would apologise and explain that she didnt mean it how it sounded.

However, given that you never pull her up on her comments, have a difficult relationship and you are wondering if she is toxic then OUCH, what a bitch!

What other things has she said that you "hmm" about?

Pachacuti · 05/09/2013 02:12

She might just mean that although while she was TTCing she thought that she would have IVF if she couldn't conceive naturally, now that the health risks/emotional strain/low success rate of IVF have been better publicised she would have made a different decision? Maybe?

sweetiepie1979 · 05/09/2013 03:51

But you were conceived naturally, not by ivf? Have I picked it up wrong? It dosent sound insulting to me, it sounds like she didn't need to bother with ivf she had you naturally in the end......

Halfahundred · 05/09/2013 04:14

Yes, as SweetiePie said. Clumsy phrasing, true but didn't she mean that if she d known she could conceive naturally, she wouldn't have gone through the emotional and physical trauma of IVF. Whatever your relationship, she clearly wanted you to have done that

CinnabarRed · 05/09/2013 05:44

I agree with Lweji, SweetiePie and Halfahundred - I would definitely have taken it to mean that if she had known she could conceive naturally then she wouldn't have gone to the expense, discomfort/pain and (presumably, as it seems the IVF wasn't successful) heartache of IVF.

Notafoodbabyanymore · 05/09/2013 06:00

I'm missing something, I think. Do you mean that she had IVF but then successfully conceived you naturally?

I thought you meant that she was saying if she had been unable to conceive naturally she wouldn't have had IVF. Like, you wouldn't have been worth going through it for.

If that's it, I feel really Angry and Sad for you. What a horrible thing to say.

Chocolatestain · 05/09/2013 06:24

Sounds like clumsy thoughtlessness rather than personal spite. My mum is just the same - she once told me she would have had me aborted if she could have found two doctors who would sign the consent form (this was back in the late sixties). She meant it from a personal health point of view as she accidentally got pregnant way too soon after a cesearian with ongoing complications, rather than because she wished she hadn't had me.

I think you should pull your mum up on it, because she will probably be doing it to others as well and causing a lot of hurt. If she's doing it unintentionally, she needs to learn to stop and think before she speaks and if she is intending to be hurtful then she needs to know her behaviour is unacceptable.

waltzingmathilda · 05/09/2013 06:24

Are you looking for slight where there is none intended?

I have naturally conceived children. I would not ever entertain the idea of IVF or any other remotely similar thing. That is my opinion and I am entitled to it.

niceupthedance · 05/09/2013 07:30

I think sometimes parents say stuff we're not ready to hear.

My mother has said in hindsight she would not have had children (ie me, as I'm an only) as parenting is hard and boring.

Do you have children? Because I can understand why someone might make this statement, having become a parent myself...

Hissy · 05/09/2013 07:34

Funny, if I had have have a choice in parents, I doubt I could have done any worse than the ones I got.

That's a crappy thing to say to you OP. How else is your relationship 'difficult'?

Original poster
BigPawsBrown · 05/09/2013 12:20

To clarify, I was conceived naturally, IVF never (as far as I know) considered. I don't have children so mum and I were discussing this as it's a big decision which plays on my mind...

Gosh, her form for tactlessness. Where to start? I think she's not deliberately malicious but is knowingly reckless. So for example I think she often thinks thoughts which most people would keep in their head but she is so neurotic she says them aloud for validation. She is often weird about my career (quite high powered I suppose), says the man she left Dad for doesn't live up to her expectations, pushed me for my whole childhood then lamented that I wasn't a hairdresser who has more time for her (and I work part time and I DO have a lot of time for her - speak almost every day, even been known to call her on my lunch hours). Not particularly interested in my life now, says she worries my DP doesn't put me first (he absolutely does), the list goes on and on...

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/09/2013 12:25

Ah, I see.

WetGrass · 05/09/2013 12:27

What a weird thing to say.

Is it a roundabout way of saying "IVF looks like a living hell - and the more I learn about it, the more I realise I could never have had it"?

Lweji · 05/09/2013 12:35

In any case, personally, I'd rather have adopted than gone through IVF. (mostly because of the rejected embryos, and if it had involved getting someone else's sperm or eggs)
It doesn't mean that I don't love DS. And it was very much a wanted pregnancy.

I think you could easily have asked her what she meant exactly. Or asked her if she regretted having you.
Even if she said yes, you could still ask her why and discuss it honestly.

It's difficult to reach the adult state with our parents but totally worth it.