DP emailing ex again

[sextingex]

I posted on here a while ago: I found out that my DP had been emailing his ex GF (his first love, from 20 years ago). It started off innocently enough, but escalated into them exchanging semi-naked photos / reminiscing about the sex they had etc. I found the messages on an old laptop - and they had stopped emailing when I found them.

I confronted my DP about it and he said it meant nothing. She contacted him first, and he put a stop to it when she asked to meet up. (I know that's true - as I read every message they sent). He said he was only being polite and had been flattered by the contact. (It went on for nearly two years, not a few weeks).

Anyway, I decided I couldn't justify breaking up a 10 year relationship when they hadn't had a 'real' affair, and I thought we'd moved on.

Roll on another year and a half, and I started to get suspicious that whenever I was ready to go to bed - he always wanted to stay up for a few extra minutes, as he had stuff to do on the computer. I've checked his emails, and sure enough, they're back in contact. It's been going on for nearly a year. She was the one who started the contact again, but he hasn't exactly been warning her off. They have sent each other more photos and they're now exchanging fantasies about what they would like to do if they ever met up. (We've since emigrated - so there's no chance that will happen). He tells her how much she turns him on, and that he regularly wanks thinking about her / looking at her photos.

I don't know what to do. To make things worse I'm in the middle of treatment for cancer, so don't have the strength to deal with a breakup. I'm in a new country so have little RL support.

Could he just be doing it to escape the reality of me being ill? He's told her he likes that she's the only person he knows who doesn't also know me - so it's an escape from what's happening.

Is he missing something in our relationship, or is just extra attention? Wouldn't anyone be flattered by that?

There were two things that really bothered me in the emails (well there are loads of things, but these have really stuck with me): the first was he said the reason he couldn't meet her was that he might realise he wasn't as happy as he thought with me. (This was the first time they were in contact. I asked him about it, and he said he didn't mean it, and it was just a way to let her down without hurting her).

This time he told her that the time they were together was the happiest of his life. He didn't word it quite like that, but that was the general drift of it. I know a lot of what he's said to her is lies - but why say that?

Would you end a relationship even when there hadn't been a physical affair (and they'd had the opportunity)? I just don't think I can deal with it right now, and wish I hadn't looked.

We're not married and have no children. She's married with kids if that makes any difference.

Thanks

I don't have any real advice (much wiser people than me will be along) but didn't want your post to go unanswered. So for now I'm holding your hand.

Jesus. What kind of callous fucker does this?

Anyway, first things first OP I am very sorry to hear that you are going through cancer treatment. I can fully understand why you aren't able to make any longer term decisions whilst you concentrate on your treatment and recovery, but clearly this guy is not committed to you or your happiness.

I would tell him what you know. Tell him you simply have no energy to deal with it now but you will be returning to this subject when you can manage it in the future. And I would tell a few other people as well, I think he needs to feel the shame of what he has done.

I just don't think you can have this gnawing at you whilst you have cancer to deal with. Put the hurt and the responsibility back where it belongs, on him.

Oh sweetheart, you're fighting cancer and he's chit-chatting with an ex?

And he's not going to meet her in case it shows up what he has with you?

Love, I do hope that you can find some decent RL support to help you through this illness, so that you can do what has to be done, and boot this arse from here to the very far side of fuck.

Thanks for the quick responses. I knew you'd say this. Guess I needed to hear it, to make me do it.

So there's no way the cancer can be any explanation about why he's doing it? I know I'd love some kind of escape from it.

Tribpot is spot on. Tell people- let him feel what a louse he is being, but focus on yourself and what suits you for now.

Just to add. To anyone on the outside - he's been the perfect support through the cancer. Taking time off for every appointment (even though it's a new job) - generally being like a perfect doting partner.

Maybe that scares me even more. He does amazingly well at hiding what he's up to.

Well you didn't have cancer before, did you? (Or did you? I think I remember your previous post).

Look. I do know that living with a sick spouse is a tough gig. I've done it for 10 years (not with cancer). It is nice to have a part of your life that isn't 'all about the illness', that is perfectly true. BUT

• there are lots of ways of achieving this that don't involve explicit convos with an ex after nearly destroying your relationship with same 2 years previously
• your cancer diagnosis I assume is fairly recent as you've just moved countries? So it's not like he's had years of you being extremely unwell or anything like that - this is a recent and fairly acute crisis. The considered response of any loving human being is not to get his rocks off in private with an ex-girlfriend.

To be honest I wouldn't try and leave him now and I am almost never in the 'Don't Leave the Bastard' party! It's just too hard. BUT I think the stress of bottling it up would be very bad for you. Plus the fucker doesn't deserve the courtesy.

Would he honestly think it was alright if you were doing it too? Would he/you be happier with a version of an open relationship where this kind of infidelity was acceptable because no physical contact was possible?

I don't think it's a coincidence that he's started this up again at a point where you are extremely vulnerable and isolated, both by reason of the emigration and the cancer.

He's not doing this because you've got cancer, he's doing this because he's being a bastard. What a twat doing this to you at a time when you really need his love and support.

I know I'm going to sound like I'm defending him (I re-read my last post and I did it then too - something else I need to address). He didn't contact her. She's always been the one to start the contact. He goes along with it every time though.

Yes, my illness is recent (after they started emailing) - so not an excuse.

If he was any decent man, he'd ignore the contact. he's chosen to continue with it and he's having an affair, albeit a non physical contact one, but an affair all the same. What he's doing is indefensible.

The contact is very wrong but if you are I'll you have enough on your plate.

Tribpot's advice is spot on

That's an irrelevant distinction, OP. You must see that. He's not 'going along with it', he is willingly and enthusiastically taking part in a text affair. She contacts him because she knows he'll respond. This is not on her.

What a shit. I have no words of wisdom, but will hold your hand.

Has he mentioned your cancer to her?

tribpot: I do see that's it's an irrelevant distinction. I think I just needed to hear it from other people to give me the strength to do something. Really all I want to do is pretend it isn't happening again.

Yes, he has mentioned the cancer. But not straightaway by the looks of it.

She said they should stop contact, but that's when he said he liked having somewhere to escape to, so they carried on.

What an idiot. He has invested so much of himself in this 20-year-old daydream, which I would bet would be nothing like he imagines if they actually did meet. I imagine a lot of the romance is in this idealising/impossible nature of the dream. However, that does not excuse in any way what he's done. Even if he claims it was all right precisely because nothing could ever actually come of it what with the being married/cancer/emigration and all, it isn't. If it was anywhere near all right, they would not be hiding it from you and her husband (it is a certainly that they are not telling him either).

The cancer is not an excuse, especially since it started before your diagnosis.

How committed are you to the country you're now in? Would you consider returning 'home' without him to have other supportive people around you?

If you can't face having the conversation now, then save it. But start preparing yourself mentally to find other sources of support. He may have seemed like the perfect partner but in all sorts of other ways he has considered her feelings much more than yours. Look for strength elsewhere so that you can envision a day when you can bring this up with him.

If I can ask, what's the treatment plan for your cancer? Is it likely to take up the next 3-6 months, 1 year, 2 years etc?

They are both weak people from the sound of it. She has contacted him, and he has declined a good opportunity to break it off if he really wanted to.

Snazzy: at the moment it looks like the treatment will be another six months. It's actually looking very positive (well as positive as it gets).

I'm interested in why you say he's been considerate of her feelings. To me it seems like they just use each other as entertainment/porn.

I'm sorry you're having such a shitty time. Do whatever you have to do to get through.

Best wishes for a quick recovery.

Been thinking through all the possible outcomes today, and does anyone know if I would be entitled to benefits if I went back to the UK?

I'm still not sure if I'm going to say anything - and if it would mean the end of the relationship, but I want to get a feel for my different options.

Has anyone out there got over this kind of thing with their DP? Would you give them a second (third) chance?

He is a complete twat. I am hurt for you.

Yes to a second chance maybe. No way, not on earth, a third chance.

Sorry.

Sorry this has made me so angry. He may be lying to her, he might not but he is a liar and a nasty one at that.

I don't see how you can stay with someone so "unhappy"

I would not be giving this person the time of day frankly.

You've already given him more than enough chances.

One option- Email her and tell her to back off without letting your dp know why, don't be nasty but just say you are going through cancer treatment and need a non stressful way to resolve this for now. If she's any kind of a human being she'll stop contact. Put it on hold for a few months and assess how you feel about it all when your stronger.
Only you can decide if this situation is forgivable or not, everyone's relationship is different.
But for what its worth IMO he will do it again. I think when you forgive indiscretions like this some men take it as permission.

AFish: that's a great idea about sending her a message. She suggested they stopped the contact when she found out, so hopefully she would see sense.

That would give me some time to think about what to do.

I just can't see how I can cope with confronting him at the moment. (But not saying anything is going to be pretty tough too - but at least if I knew they weren't in contact any more that would help).