DP emailing ex again

[sextingex]

I posted on here a while ago: I found out that my DP had been emailing his ex GF (his first love, from 20 years ago). It started off innocently enough, but escalated into them exchanging semi-naked photos / reminiscing about the sex they had etc. I found the messages on an old laptop - and they had stopped emailing when I found them.

I confronted my DP about it and he said it meant nothing. She contacted him first, and he put a stop to it when she asked to meet up. (I know that's true - as I read every message they sent). He said he was only being polite and had been flattered by the contact. (It went on for nearly two years, not a few weeks).

Anyway, I decided I couldn't justify breaking up a 10 year relationship when they hadn't had a 'real' affair, and I thought we'd moved on.

Roll on another year and a half, and I started to get suspicious that whenever I was ready to go to bed - he always wanted to stay up for a few extra minutes, as he had stuff to do on the computer. I've checked his emails, and sure enough, they're back in contact. It's been going on for nearly a year. She was the one who started the contact again, but he hasn't exactly been warning her off. They have sent each other more photos and they're now exchanging fantasies about what they would like to do if they ever met up. (We've since emigrated - so there's no chance that will happen). He tells her how much she turns him on, and that he regularly wanks thinking about her / looking at her photos.

I don't know what to do. To make things worse I'm in the middle of treatment for cancer, so don't have the strength to deal with a breakup. I'm in a new country so have little RL support.

Could he just be doing it to escape the reality of me being ill? He's told her he likes that she's the only person he knows who doesn't also know me - so it's an escape from what's happening.

Is he missing something in our relationship, or is just extra attention? Wouldn't anyone be flattered by that?

There were two things that really bothered me in the emails (well there are loads of things, but these have really stuck with me): the first was he said the reason he couldn't meet her was that he might realise he wasn't as happy as he thought with me. (This was the first time they were in contact. I asked him about it, and he said he didn't mean it, and it was just a way to let her down without hurting her).

This time he told her that the time they were together was the happiest of his life. He didn't word it quite like that, but that was the general drift of it. I know a lot of what he's said to her is lies - but why say that?

Would you end a relationship even when there hadn't been a physical affair (and they'd had the opportunity)? I just don't think I can deal with it right now, and wish I hadn't looked.

We're not married and have no children. She's married with kids if that makes any difference.

Thanks

I'm so sorry to read this OP, it's the very last thing that you need :(

I would log into his email and change the password. I'd also change the recovery options (like secret answers or extra email account). He'll know you know then and he'll be shit scared.

The other women is horrible, without a doubt, but I don't see what contacting her would achieve. He's the one betraying you. She wold most probably tell him and then they would become more secretive. The will to stop has to come for him. I don't think it means much that she suggested stopping, that's almost fishing for attention. If she wanted to stop because she felt it was wrong, she would.

Good luck and focus on yourself

I'm sorry but this vile excuse for a man does not love you or even care about you. If you love someone you do not go behind their back and have online affairs with other people! It's disgusting, disrespectful and quite sickening tbh. You need to get rid of him. I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone that share it with a sneaky lying male who went behind my back.

Wow obviously - that was harsh.

In all other respects we actually have a great relationship. We aren't unhappy believe it or not. He's all I've got out here, so it's tough to just throw that away. He had the chance to have sex with her, and turned it down - so he can't be all bad.

I've got so much going on at the moment, it's just not that easy to say it's all over.

Please read your last post again and see how little you are settling for.

Come home, leave him to it. You are fighting for your life.

He doesn't deserve the time of day.

I'm sorry but I'm trying to open your eyes! You don't seem angry

Love, you have NOTHING over there! He's having an online affair while you are fighting cancer!

He doesn't care about you. I'm sorry that's shit to comprend, but it's true.

You don't have time, energy or the luxury of knowing how all this will turn out.

How exactly do you think this betrayal of you will help your prognosis?

Booting him out of your life, putting yourself first and fighting for your life will be a lot less soul destroying than watching him spending longer and longer downstairs before turning in.

He's about thé most dreadful man there is to do this to you now.

I'm so sorry.

You really do have to leave him. This could mean the difference between life or death.

Put yourself first.

I'm sorry OP but I agree with obviously, while he is emailing his ex his thoughts are not with you (where they should be).

I had this with my exh, she was in canada and although they couldn't meet up they were still emailing/texting.

I also think it's a good idea about emailing her and telling her what a toad your 'd'p is.

I feel for you

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. How bloody awful. I can see why you would not want to rock the boat with your dp right now but you must be feeling tremendously hurt? I think if I were in your position I would be so angry I would have to have it out with him and tell him how callous hes been, and probably send her an email as well to the same effect. I do understand that he probably needs some outlet (as I'm sure do you) but really? What's wrong with golf? I don't really mean to sound flippant but an email relationship with an ex is bloody awful, particularly when you are dealing with cancer! I think you may look at this very differently when you are feeling stronger and realise what an awful thing he's doing to you x

Please don't beg another woman not to contact your husband.

That is humiliating.

Why is it acceptable for him to tell another woman that you are unhappy together? What a cretin he is.

If you really cant find the strength to dump him now - and I can understand this- then still confront him. You will still have time to think things through. In a couple of months, you will see how disloyal, underhand and offensive he is being and then you can decide if you want that or not.

He had his chance. :(

It shouldn't be her that should be warned off your partner, it should be your partner warning her off because it is him who is in the relationship with you, not her.

He is showing you absolutely no respect whatsoever, and he is proving he has no loyalty to you. His loyalty is to this woman who he obviously can't keep himself away from.

Don't you think you deserve better than this? You are going through cancer treatment ffs and he still is messaging her and continuing this online affair.

Second chance, yes. Third? Definitely no.

The first bit didn't make much sense. What I meant was for you to not warn her off.

He clearly is unhappy you can't sugar coat that, lots of people would be unhappy in your circumstances I bet not not ducking delighted at the moment.
But the decent ones don't react the way he has. Sorry.

Hes not having an escape, hes getting his kicks while your too ill to really notice it. Talk about taking advantage of your illness.

An escape, is working, having a quick drink with mates, playing some sports, playing on the ps3 or xbox.

It is not, telling some old ex, that you wank over her pictures.

" He had the chance to have sex with her, and turned it down - so he can't be all bad"

sorry- did I read right that eh isn't even in the same country as her???

Also, your meant to love the person your with so much, that when they are ill, they are the focus, if hes putting himself before you, then hes failing big time.

How do you not know, that when hes with you through treatment, hes not thinking about her.

Thanks to everyone that's replied. It's just been a bit of a slap in the face.

I'd seen it more that we were essentially ok - and the emailing was an outlet (a bit like using porn, but with more of an ego boost from all the attention). I guess I've totally misjudged it.

It's hard to think that maybe our whole relationship is a lie. The idea that he doesn't love or respect me at all is a shock. It doesn't feel like that is true. (I guess I'm in denial).

I am angry - I just don't have the energy at the moment.

My whole family doesn't deal well with feelings/emotions. We just suppress things and pretend they don't happen. I guess I need to change that.

Thanks again.

I have a feeling I may get shot down for this but he may well love you. He probably does in fact but he is still treating you badly. I think theres a big difference between porn and engaging with a known individual who also happens to be an ex girlfriend - and one that he has stated he was at his happiest with (although I would not be happy with the porn either but that might be just me). I feel really uncomfortable making you feel worse about this situation than you do already when you are already battling to much but in my opinion you need to tell him (and maybe her to) that its completely unacceptable and it has to stop now! Then you can concentrate on getting stronger and see how your feelings develop from there. Sorry op, I hope we haven't made you feel worse

It's not like porn. The things he has said to her should be things a husband only says to his wife. Porn use would not evoke those expressions of feeling. His actions here are not harmless (not saying porn is necessarily harmless either but let's leave that debate for now). They are selfish and hurtful and a massive betrayal of you.

Sorry all this is happening. Can you see a counsellor, possibly under the guise of discussing your illness if you don't want to confront him yet?

Seriously though he may love you and be struggling with your illness and choosing an utterly unacceptable way to manage.
I think what he has done is wrong. I don't think it means he doesn't love or respect you. It's possible to do both emotions at the one time.

And I think it's reasonable to choose to accept he's been an arse and not confront if that is what gets you through your treatment and deal with it later.

OP, I wish I could give you a hug and I wish I could stick my dainty size 3s right into your cheating partner's ball sack! My feeling is that, as the cancer treatment is going well where you are situated right now, you should stay put. When it is over and you have the all-clear, you should come back to the UK and put this horrible bastard and his cheating ways far behind you. You are trying to justify his behaviour because you are desperate and feel he is all you have. Look, it's better to have nothing than a man who will cheat (and it is cheating...having a wank while he remembers old times and looks at her photos...!) You can start again!! You are not married to the arsehole...you have no kids with him! Count yourself lucky...
The cancer is not an excuse or explanation for his actions! Your relationship is not great if you have to add on apart from this (huge issue!)
Please focus on yourself and then move back to the UK where you will be able to start a new life!! Sending you lots of love and a hug.

I disagree with StUmbrage...the arsehole may have some feelings for you but he has ZERO respect for you. If this bitch lived around the corner, don't fool yourself that he wouldn't be sleeping with her. He is a first class cunt...

I know nobody will agree with me but I'd get on face book and find the husband and ask him to stop his wife contacting your partner. Then leave him when you are strong enough.

I think you need to get copies/screenshots of everything.

Keep your cards close to your chest.
Get strong.
Tell old cunty-chops to fuck right off the evil bastard.

sexting - I can't imagine what you are going through, and am so sorry.

I think deep down you know that it is over for you. How could you forgive this, for him betraying you when you are at your lowest and need of his support. Normal relationships don't work like this.

I can understand you not wanting to make the move to split up from him just yet, given the other stuff you need to deal with. But the longer this goes on, the longer he sticks around, the more you are going to focus on what he is up to, and not the important thing of focussing on yourself.

Think seriously about what you need right now, to get through this treatment, and make sure you put what you need to in place to get it. I'm not convinces you actually need this arsehole, nor that kicking him out won't be good for you. But you need to take care of you right now, and with all the will in the world, none of us knows your situation and your feelings.

Have a good think. What is he doing for you at the moment that you couldn't do by yourself?

I can agree with the folks saying he could still love you, but as they have also said, that doesn't justify what he is doing at all. And I don't think he respects you as he should.

I'm not sure about *lunar's suggestion of contacting the woman's husband (yet anyway) but she is absolutely right about getting copies or screenshots of all those emails.

Leo also makes a good point about the distance - I think being so far away is allowing what he is doing to be minimised. If this woman lived 10 miles away, I can't imagine you would be able to see this as a halfway-acceptable outlet for him at all. It would be an affair actually happening. I don't think it's that much to his credit that they aren't sleeping together if they are geographically separated.