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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does DH get stalked?

113 replies

Trunktops · 04/09/2013 19:53

Dh handed me his phone last week and I saw a text from a woman saying 'now you are married and a family man can you please stop ignoring me? How can I be a threat now?' He told the backstory turns out he had a stalker a few years ago who he had to call the police on and get a restraining order. We have just had some family pics go up on facebook and they have mutual friends so she probably saw the news via that.

There have been many women since I met DH who have behaved in stalkery ways towards him. Once we both received a letter from a friend of his saying that she and DH were soulmates and that our decision to marry each other was upsetting the "natural order of things" and did he not remember the way he looked at her this time/that time?

Another ex-shag turned up at our door crying because she had split from a boyfriend and wanted to stay over. Neither of us let her and she became angry and sent lots of horrible texts to DH and FB messages to me saying I was controlling him and had brainwashed him into ruining their friendship.

Another ex-shag, when DH and I were engaged became preoccupied with wanting to be my stylist for the wedding, sending me weekly emails of places I should shop for bridal gowns and wanting to be my best friend. We both told her, politely, we weren;t interested but she sent us an engagement gift, a wedding gift and even moved into a house down the road.

Another woman eerily befriended me in a cafe where we lived one day and she and I went out for a few drinks. When I eventually told DH about my new friend he told me it was a girl he was seeing in 2006 who had become obsessed with him and he had to tell her to strongly back off.

Obviously I think DH is the best man ever, otherwise I wouldn't have married him, so I'm not questioning why women like him, but this much?! Surely this is something about DH as a person?

What makes someone a stalker and what qualities make someone the type to be stalked?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/09/2013 08:30

yes groupies is a good word for it. Even his female friends have this sense of ownership over him - like I have stolen him from them.

Just wanted to bring this up again, have none of you seen the crap that has been peddled by Simon Cowells groupies since he got his GF/Bestmates wife pregnant? Sinita saying "It should have been me!" another saying how they dont like her? They are acting as if they own him and she is has stolen him from under their noses. I would NOT be that woman for all of his money, they will make her life hell.

If you are a "collector" as SC is then this is a risk. H is the sort of person who never really let go of exes, most of them were his friends after they split up. Or so he said. Actually they were his fall back, and this led to a situation where more than a couple of them were incensed when he married me.

I would be inclined to think that yes, these women did behave in that way as it is not dissimilar to what I got after H and I got married, but that there is obviously something in his behaviour that makes this more likely. I would be inclined to believe that he has allowed them to hang on thinking "maybe one day....." rather than spell it out that they are over.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 05/09/2013 08:40

I have a friend who attracts nutters. She has had it all. Love letters, poetry, cyber stalking, gifts, proposals, needed to get restraining orders, people who have moved continent for the sole reason they couldnt bare being around her if they couldnt have her, men that will do anything for her even if she is not seeing them.

Most have been attractive and rich! I have never knownanything like it. Men just fall head over heels in love with her.

StainlessSteelBegonia · 05/09/2013 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2013 08:50

A collector, yes, that's it. It's not a pleasant trait.

Boomba · 05/09/2013 09:51

missatrawberry im not sure specifically what you are implying by your exasperated post. I am one of those women, ergo i know lots of women who have been abused. Its an important part of recovery, to examine your own personality and explore why you end up with these men

congresstart · 05/09/2013 12:40

Bogeyface makes a great point actually...maybe he is allowing them to believe that one day they will have him

MissStrawberry · 05/09/2013 13:00

What I am "implying" is that it is disgraceful for someone who has been abused to be told to examine their behaviour. Do you feel that someone who has been raped should examine her behaviour r is it "just" people who have been hit?

nenevomito · 05/09/2013 13:20

MissStrawberry, are you being deliberately obtuse?

Some women go from one abusive relationship to another. This doesn't mean that they deserve to be abused, or brought the abuse on themselves or that its OK for their partners to abuse them in any way shape or form.

Usually there is an underlying reason as to why they may be continually be attracted to men who are abusive. It may be down to Low self-esteem or that they get self-worth by a partner being jealous. If they can understand those reasons then they have a better chance of having a healthy relationship with someone who isn't an abuser.

I was in an abusive relationship. At the end of it I did have to ask myself why I ignored the red flags - like the women who kept on coming around to the house, like putting up with him putting me down, like him being a cunt in so many other ways. I had to do that to make sure I recognised what was going on and get myself out of it.

It didn't mean that I deserved to be abused, but it did make me want to know why I didn't leave sooner.

MissStrawberry · 05/09/2013 13:41

No, not being obtuse at all. I read one sentence and commented on it. Since then various people have elaborated and changed the meaning in that one sentence.

Bahhhhhumbug · 05/09/2013 13:44

yes Babyheave and l would add also why the abusive types are attracted to that particular victim who has been abused by a string of partners. In my case l was very lacking in confidence/self esteem etc. and abusers see this as an opportunity l think. So just by simply learning to be more assertive and to feel better about ourselves we can sometimes turn off that 'psycho magnet'.

nenevomito · 05/09/2013 13:44

Which is why you commented after reading them? So you were being deliberate. Hey ho.

QueenofallIsee · 05/09/2013 13:45

Its possible that your DH, before he was ready to settle down, was actually attracted to a vunerable quality in people. Perhaps he had a fear of commitment or maybe he had a bit if a need to 'save' people.

Same principle that before I met my very nice fella, I had a series of bf's who were emotional fuckwits and that was their main commonality!

Nothing to be ashamed of & its just a suggestion

MissStrawberry · 05/09/2013 13:49

Babyheave - I am not having that. I was commenting on ONE sentence and that alone. The further comments were not there then so obviously I could not comment on something that wasn't there. You and the other one has taken exception to what I wrote and elaborated and imo changed the meaning of the original comment. I am not commenting on your further posts other than to say I won't be criticised for something I haven't done.

Boomba · 05/09/2013 14:25

It was my 'one comment' and the 'original meaning' remains unchanged. Maybe you misunderstood it, though

Bogeyface · 05/09/2013 14:29

Actually MissStrawberry, when the comment about self examination was fully explained you continued to imply that Boomba is a rape apologist!

MissStrawberry · 05/09/2013 14:51

Well then we will have to agree to disagree as I don't agree.

lunar1 · 05/09/2013 15:04

I kind of regret posting that dh attracts stalkers seeing how the thread has gone!

He never dated any of his. I have said to him before he can come across as over friendly/flirty. Not in a way that would make someone uncomfortable but something about him makes People trust him. They need too, he's a dr, I wonder if that's part of it.

He also doesn't read people well at all, someone can flirt outrageously with him and he doesn't see it. It can look like he is leadin someone on as they are flirting and he's being his usual self and not giving any signals back that he's not interested. He doesn't encourage it but doesn't discourage it either.

stepmooster · 05/09/2013 15:17

My BIL has a few crazy exes. He too is in finance, a bit too nice for his own good, paying off debts and expensive presents right from day one. He also has that air of vulnerability about him, which some women love (they mothered him a bit) and I can't stand. I always thought that BIL behaviour could be seen to be misleading from a female perspective, I.e. He just whisked me away for an expensive weekend therefore he must love me. I've also tried to explain this to one of my uni friends who also collects these kind of women with similar behaviour and then moans about it afterwards.

BIL is now in a committed relationship with someone who is more of an equal, doesn't mother him etc and they are happy. BIl has told DH that a few exes are always trying to make contact and get him to change his mind. One I understand is quite unhinged.

Perhaps this is the reason?

BalloonSlayer · 05/09/2013 17:17

My Ex-H had some female friends who were a bit funny with me - wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't look me in the eye. (And before you say I'm probably just horrible, two of them I had never even spoken to . . . I never got the chance - they just wouldn't make eye contact and scurried off. It definitely wasn't me! Grin ) He said, of all of them, that they had made a pass at him that he had declined. One of them was married with 4 kids!

With the benefit of hindsight, I now believe he had shagged them all and led them to believe that a relationship was possible, somehow kept them dangling on a string. All the time while declaring undying love to me. Hmm

Your post reminds me of that time in my life, OP.

You know that some of these are exes. I don't think they know they are exes. He has said something or done something to make them think it is not over. I suspect that something is a shag whenever he is in town. Sorry.

You have to look for the common denominator and sorry to have to say it but normal blokes, even Brad Pitt, don't get stalked by every ex. They just don't. He must be doing something to make this happen.

Ezio · 05/09/2013 17:25

Balloon, has a very valid point, at some point you gotta ask, is it him.

Viviennemary · 05/09/2013 17:33

I think a lot of men think they are irresistible to women. But often the reality is quite different.

Bogeyface · 05/09/2013 18:41

What Balloon said about friends who wont catch your eye reminded me of something.

When we had been together about 3 months he met an old female friend for lunch, I knew about it, nothing dodgy. But when they came to meet me for a drink afterwards she wouldnt look me in the eye, only spoke to me when I spoke to her and at one point moved her chair so her back was to me and she was facing him. I wasnt very happy but let it go, H thought it was odd. Then we worked a beer festival which she came to with her partner. She totally blanked me even when I was standing next to him and said hello and then tried to monopolise him all afternoon. The filthy "up and down, you piece of shit" look she gave me when he announced our engagement that day was the nail in the coffin and he hasnt spoken to her since, got rid on FB etc.

But 7 years later she still messages him from time to time saying things like "Arent we friends anymore?" "Why dont you ring me anymore?" and the odd one that acts like nothing has happened asking him out for a drink and pointedly not inviting me "I thought we could meet for lunch like we used to, just you and me"

I know for a fact that they never slept together but she had a major thing about him for years, he never saw her that way. I know this because I am friends with her ex boss who told me about this once she wasnt her boss anymore and wasnt breaking any rules. She told me because the ex friend once said that she was determined to break me and him and get him for herself "no matter what it takes". Fucking weirdo!

We havent blocked her on FB because I like to see when she gets in touch. Sometimes it really is innocent, because when he cheated on me with "friends" aka exes, it wasnt her :o

lemonstartree · 05/09/2013 20:52

my DP is a very attractive man and women do flirt with him a LOT if we go out. eg this weekend at festival they were everywhere ! he is 100% committed to me so I don't really notice any more tbh - but he doesnt have any stalkers

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 06/09/2013 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/09/2013 18:53

Why it is that when a woman has abusive Ex Partners it is deserving of sympathy but when its a male who has abusive Ex Partners he generates "red flags"?