devastated by husbands affair, how do I deal with it

[mumtopremie]

Hi, I found out in June that my husband of 14 years was having an affair that had been going on for 5-6 months. He ended it straight away but I immediately threw him out, but a month later we decided to give it a go. Lasted a week and I threw him out again as I couldn't look at him without thinking of her. We have 2 children the youngest is mentally disabled and it crushed him when his dad moved out. We are back together again but I spend all my waking hours thinking about her. I am absolutely consumed with it. He doesn't help as he has always refused to talk about it, which I think will split us up again, as I have so many questions he just wont answer. How am I supposed to deal with it if he wont talk about it, he just says it will make things worse which is why he wont talk. But not knowing things is worse. How many times did he meet her every week? What did they do (apart from the obvious), did they discuss me? etc etc etc I know they told each that they loved each other and it crucifies me. Although he denies he doesn't think about her, how can he not? I know he wont leave me for her due to her curcumstances know matter how he feels about her, but that doesn't help me. I feel like I'll have to spend the rest of my life with her living in my head. She will always be a 3rd person in this marriage if we do stay together.

I also don't feel he is putting the effort into saving this marriage even though he was the one who begged to come back. He's just not giving me the loving I need. He thinks having sex is showing me!!!! He was always tactile but know hes not. Is it because deep down he wants her not me?

I don't want to let him go, but I cant live with this heartbreak. i'm crying as I write this so sorry if it's a jumble. I just don't know how to deal with it or cope with it. Any kind of advice would be gratefully welcome.

Oh my word mum didn't want to read and run there are some very sage mumsnetters who will be along shortly in the meantime im offering a hand to hold and the promise that we'll help as best we can you don't have to go through this alone x

Let him go.

He is not giving you what you need, even though he has completely devastated you.

"How am I supposed to deal with it if he wont talk about it, he just says it will make things worse which is why he wont talk."

Worse for whom?

The patronising, self-serving bastard.

You don't have to give him another chance.

You could give yourself another chance a a life free of a man who could hurt you so badly and then refuse to help you to heal.

To start and recover from a betrayal as huge as this there has to be open and honest communication about the affair with your H giving full disclosure if this is what you want.
He is doing nothing to help you recover-he thinks sex is enough. it is not.
Although it is not what you want he has to leave again until he is really prepared to be honest with you--to carry on like this is hell for both you and your DC's
Give him one more chance to talk, nothing can be as bad as what you are imagining--if he refuses show him the door AND KEEP IT LOCKED.

I'd let him go, too. Refusal to talk about something as serious and hurtful as this is so hostile. I think a punch would hurt less.

If you take control and tell him to get out, you'll feel a lot better than you will if you spend years worrying about what they did.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been through it and it's really awful.

Although time will help ease the pain, you will never get over this. Your dh is not saving your marriage. He isn't putting in much work. He simply doesn't deserve you and you deserve real happiness. You have tried and its not working
Do you wIsh to feel like this in 12 months/5 years/10 years. He hasn't changed or accepted he was do wrong,
Do you want to be second best? Harsh I know, but that sounds like the reality.

I took DH back after he left me for OW. He worked his arse off doing anything he could to make it up to me and answering uncomfortable questions was one of them.

He hated talking about it but understood that I needed to to put it behind me and move on.

We're 7 years on now and I still think of her (driving past places I knew they met up at for example) and what happened and it still hurts but not with as much force as it did in the beginning. DH is a completely different person and the dynamics in the relationship have changed a lot.

I think unless he's willing to understand how difficult it is for you and do anything that will help you through it will be hard to move on together.

To start and recover from a betrayal as huge as this there has to be open and honest communication about the affair with your H giving full disclosure if this is what you want.
He is doing nothing to help you recover-he thinks sex is enough. it is not.
Although it is not what you want he has to leave again until he is really prepared to be honest with you--to carry on like this is hell for both you and your DC's
Give him one more chance to talk, nothing can be as bad as what you are imagining--if he refuses show him the door AND KEEP IT LOCKED.

oops sorry double post

Hi his refusing to talk about it is to protect himself.

Your post describes the hurt and trauma of infidelity really well.

There is a good book your H needs to read and that is 'How to help your spouse heal from infidelity' by Linda J MacDonald.

In this short little book it is spelled out: he needs to get how much he has hurt you. He needs to answer your questions.

If he can't or won't then you will never trust him.

I tried for 4 years OP but he was always more interested in protecting himself and the secrets, it didn't work (and he got back in touch with OW).

So sorry OP this stuff really really hurts like nothing else. You didn't deserve this.

Re the sex being his expression of love and affection - I take it he expressed himself the same way to the OW? Has he told you he loved her or left you to draw your own conclusions?

He hasn't a clue and seems to be unable or unwilling to empathise with you at all OP. if he isn't going to support your and the relationships recovery, what chance is there?

It's not you. It's him.

I am so sorry you are in this situation and I hear all the pain in your post.
Notwithstanding the toing and froing that has already taken place, I think it's not too late to set him a "minimum set of criteria" which need to be met before you can begin to heal. This should include agreement on complete honesty for starters, he must be prepared to talk, show remorse, walk the extra mile, and possibly also do counselling. Even then, there is no guarantee that you'll get through, but it's possible. You may have to turf him out and go cold turkey for a while before he agrees to that.
Be careful not to compromise on the criteria - he can't be half hearted about your healing. If he is, the relationship will probably end as soon as you can face being without him. For some, that takes years and it's so soul destroying, just time wasted damaging yourself even more than he has already done just because you are waiting for the courage to go.

So please take the longer view and stay firm on what needs to be done to mend things, and if he isn't committed to that, show him the door.
Be strong, we're wishing you onwards and upwards.

Thanks for your reply, I saw a message with the declarations of love. He of course denies that he did love her. I don't believe him though.

He is putting himself first just like when having the affair. He comes first. You, well you are somewhat further down the list of importance.

He doesn't help as he has always refused to talk about it, which I think will split us up again, as I have so many questions he just wont answer

If he refuses to talk about it, it's over. Sorry. Even if you stay together, it's over.

Think about all those important foundations in a relationship - love, trust, respect, honesty, etc.

Without those, there is no relationship. There is just two people, living in the same house, not communicating.

Read pleasesleepallnight's post again, and again, and again. What happened for her is the only way your marriage has a chance of surviving.
I'm totally guessing here, but 'you both giving it another go' means you asked him to come back doesn't it?
I did that, and could have written your op. He would never explain, only kissed me when he wanted sex etc..... I eventually realised he didn't love me, and probably didn't even like me - I was convenient. We split and divorced.
It really hurt, and has left some scars.... But I'm happier, stronger as a person and like myself more now because I don't have that horrible doubt as to why he didn't love me enough to make it work, why he couldn't make the effort etc. it was never about me in the first place.

Show him the door. He is doing nothing to help you get through this. Nothing.

Curiously enough, he might be telling the truth about not loving the OW. Lots of people after affairs admit that they told as many (if not more) direct lies to the OW/OM as they did to their sanctioned partners. Saying 'I love you' is a valuable currency in an affair, because it keeps the relationship going, makes a person seem less of a 'user' and occasionally, gets a conflict-avoidant person out of a tight situation if they are hearing declarations of love from the affair partner.

But you won't be able to trust any of that until he opens up.

This is essential in affair recovery.

Without it, a person's imagination often constructs a far worse narrative to the truth.

I would give him one last chance to agree to answer your questions and talk about this and if he will not, I'd advise you to bring this to an end.

I agree he needs to sit down and tell you what you need to know otherwise you will go totally potty. Mine never answered any questions.

10months of texting and sexting and possible nights he was in hotels with her and he claimed it was all "just work"

236 messages from him to her in one day and he could not remember what they were about!! Just work stuff. He was sleeping separately as our son woke up a lot and he needed sleep for work. But he was having 25minute conversations with her at 3am!

There were other things - prostitutes and no-strings attached sex websites which he would compare to me looking on ebay! But that's been another post.

One of his very close friends of 20 years told him to give me something to work with or we would be doomed

I started running, the anger stopped because you just cant be angry for ever. My running helped but when I lost weight and felt more confident he asked me "where have your boobs gone" you look awful!

I went to counselling and we stayed together for another 2 years but nothing changed. We were two people sharing a house.

We also went to counselling but he described it as his punishment.

He said that the sexless relationship we were in was my way of punishing him!

He eventually went back to his old ways. No evidence of prostitutes or other women but he dumped the laptop in the river thames and repeatedly changed passwords. And I guess I stopped looking. Perhaps I stopped caring.

After counselling again I realised I may had forgiven him but I could never forget. he gave me nothing to work with or help me understand. I realised I didn't want to have sex with a man who did not have the decency to answer my questions but was in fact OK with me feeling anxious, unhappy and betrayed. Plus drowning my sorrows in booze, fags etc. Boring my friends with my problems or just pretending everything was ok and really it was safer/easier/less scary to stay.

We have now split and I move out in a week.

I'm scared, I worry about being lonely but I remember how he made me feel. He was the person I trusted to make me feel better in my worst hour but he wouldn't and still doesn't accept responsibility for his behaviour. He was the person responsible for me having my worse hour and he let me down.

Sit him down and calmly explain why you need him to answer your questions and if he can't tell him it's over. You are tired and fed up with the way you feel. If he comes up trumps then you have something to work with.

All the best. XX

Beccaloolah, sorry about your relationship. This is what I'm scared of, it dragging on for a long time because I'm too scared to let go. I completely agree with what everyone has said, but my head and heart just aren't holding hands at the moment. In some ways I wish I hadn't let him come back the first time as I would be further down the road but I just feel so crap when I'm not with him. I know in my head that I'll never trust him again, but I just can't deal with the separation. I just feel like crying all the time I'm so sad. I'm also mad at myself putting up with this crap. I've lost so much weight I look I'll but I can't face eating properly. I also don't want to put my son through that devestation again.

If your son is devastated, that won't be at your hands will it? Try not to take responsibility for choices that were not yours. Your own devastation has been caused by your partner's actions during the affair and afterwards.

Just as devastating for your son (whose caring needs I'd imagine must be enormous), would be a mother who is making herself ill because of lack of nourishment.

If you separate, it shuld be with the expectation that your partner will continue to co-parent. That means doing his fair share of looking after the children for extended periods without you. Your son doesn't have to lose his father and in fact, children often find they spend more time with each parent than before. This is good for children and good for parents who previously, left much of the child-rearing activity to their partners. It's also a good thing for someone who's a carer to have a break so that she can rebuild her life as a single woman.

I understand your fear, which is why I was suggesting one more attempt at getting your partner to realise what is at stake. But if that doesn't work, you do need to follow through on any outcomes you've promised if he is not forthcoming. Counselling on your own might help you to build courage to do that.

mum, so sorry that you have this pain, you know what is right for you and it isn't living like this is it?
He needs to move out again even if you can rebuild, so that you can think straight and he can do the work he needs to do to make your marriage work.
Just tell him the truth - it isn't working for you and he needs to leave again. Tell him it doesn't have to be the end but you need more than you are getting at the moment.
Go and see a counsellor who will help you think straight about what you do and do not want. You will be able to start to build the life you want and if he is with you that will be good and if not then that will be good as well, because you will have made the choices.
We had a 3month honeymoon period and then I realised I didn't want to live with him anyway so we split(after 35yrs!) it was hard and I lost weight and cried for days on end but it was my choice and 2yrs on I am happier than I ever thought possible
If I can I'll sent you (((((Hugs)))))

Part of what constitutes an affair is the secrecy. And by retaining the information (i.e keeping the secret) he is still having the affair.

You're an outsider to their secret. it is still a raging little game inside his head. the game is still on, even if physically they are no longer together or in contact with each other.

So he is still cheating on you, and deep down this is what your gut/emotions are telling you.

I'm sorry. you can wait for him to tell you thus he retains the power or you can begin the practical things to sure up your and DC's position. see a lawyer, get the paper work and evidence, understand what your financil position will be etc ... then when if the time comes you will be ready. but this will also give you confidence to move on.

PS. NB he thinks having sex is showing me wrong! sex is of benefit to him. sex is mutually pleasing so he's not giving/showing you anything .. he's just having sex.
because making love (cheesy) is about mutual giving of one another (and that includes what happened during the affair)

Sat in the car crying. Again!! I'm going to to home and try and get him to talk to me. I don't hold out much hope though. Ofmiceandmen, you are so right about still being the outsider, I hadn't thought if it that way before. It makes me feel even worse though. Wish me luck

It's not up to him to decide what would 'make it worse'. It's up to you.

Tell him that you feel unloved, you feel he doesn't desire you and is hankering after her, tell him that as things are you don't see a future with him, that you NEED to get answers to all the things you ask and if he refuses he is just saying he is simply telling you that you and the marriage don't matter enough.

1. Arrange MC and if he won't go you are out.
2. Write a list of questions you need the answers too and if he won't answer them, you are out. These won't be the only questions you ever ask but they are what you want to know for now. You retain the right to keep asking and frequently keep asking the same questions.
3. Is he prepared to be in it for the long haul - 2-5 years is the average to recover from infidelity. If he isn't prepared to hurt and work hard then you are out.

"Curiously enough, he might be telling the truth about not loving the OW. Lots of people after affairs admit that they told as many (if not more) direct lies to the OW/OM as they did to their sanctioned partners. Saying 'I love you' is a valuable currency in an affair, because it keeps the relationship going, makes a person seem less of a 'user' and occasionally, gets a conflict-avoidant person out of a tight situation if they are hearing declarations of love from the affair partner. "

Charbon I can vouch that I heard this sort of thing. "I told her I loved her to keep her legs open" etc.

But what does it say about the person lying to two people?