devastated by husbands affair, how do I deal with it

[mumtopremie]

Hi, I found out in June that my husband of 14 years was having an affair that had been going on for 5-6 months. He ended it straight away but I immediately threw him out, but a month later we decided to give it a go. Lasted a week and I threw him out again as I couldn't look at him without thinking of her. We have 2 children the youngest is mentally disabled and it crushed him when his dad moved out. We are back together again but I spend all my waking hours thinking about her. I am absolutely consumed with it. He doesn't help as he has always refused to talk about it, which I think will split us up again, as I have so many questions he just wont answer. How am I supposed to deal with it if he wont talk about it, he just says it will make things worse which is why he wont talk. But not knowing things is worse. How many times did he meet her every week? What did they do (apart from the obvious), did they discuss me? etc etc etc I know they told each that they loved each other and it crucifies me. Although he denies he doesn't think about her, how can he not? I know he wont leave me for her due to her curcumstances know matter how he feels about her, but that doesn't help me. I feel like I'll have to spend the rest of my life with her living in my head. She will always be a 3rd person in this marriage if we do stay together.

I also don't feel he is putting the effort into saving this marriage even though he was the one who begged to come back. He's just not giving me the loving I need. He thinks having sex is showing me!!!! He was always tactile but know hes not. Is it because deep down he wants her not me?

I don't want to let him go, but I cant live with this heartbreak. i'm crying as I write this so sorry if it's a jumble. I just don't know how to deal with it or cope with it. Any kind of advice would be gratefully welcome.

Well I've managed to get some answers from him. Not everything I wanted to know but two important questions I've had milling around my head. Apparently when I first kicked him out when I found out initially she was hoping this was there big chance by the sound of it. Not sure how I feel about ow still wanting a relationship with him though. He says she means absolutely nothing to him and he wouldn't haved begged to come back twice if he didnt want me. Can't bloody win.

He said its the biggest regret he'll have about our marriage, and that she was an emotional crutch while we were going through a bad patch.

I'm sorry to say this but - BOLLOX!!!
He is saying what he THINKS you want to hear.
If he was telling the truth about what you want to know you would be cringing and finding it hard to hear but want more details anyway.
Is he prepared to answer all your questions?
If not then as PP have said, this NOT going to work out.
I tried to forgive and forget too.
I just couldn't do it and am much happier without him.
It's a tough, brave decision to make but I think you know what you need to do, for your own sanity!

Is she still there - because you are still going through a rough patch!!
Sorry mum but I agree with melons, he is a lying worm.
I can't see any future for the two of you at the moment,

How are you feeling?

It might help you to write your questions down and give them to him, either for him to write replies or as a basis for further conversations.

I see he is blaming a 'rough patch' in your relationship for seeking sex and emotional support from another woman. If you were having a rough patch before he met this woman, this might seem like a neat, easy-to-understand rationale.

But I can tell you with absolute certainty that marriage difficulties are never the sole reason for infidelity.

Unfortunately, many women in your position receive a message that if they strive to become superb wives and lovers, improving their romantic relationships, something like this will never happen again. But choosing to be unfaithful is less about relationships and other people (you and the OW) and more about an individual's life coping mechanisms, character and personality.

Men who get caught out in affairs like this will often turn against the OW and try to gain advantage with their wives by proudly admitting they told lies to the OW. This is where women should stand back and think about what that says about the man as a human being. This is a man who lies to whoever he happens to be with, to gain advantage. For strong characters who judge their partners more on their qualities as a human being than their qualities as a monogamous partner, it's often a far worse scenario than a man who had genuine feelings for the OW, or felt conflicted about his love for both women. A man who tells lies to both and is proud of that needs to instigate far more soul-searching and character change than the man who loved two people at the same time.

I'll be completely honest and say that I hope he did lie to her and didn't love her. I'll never know the true answer to that one, but I'll presume that he wouldn't have dropped her like a hot brick when I found out if he did love her. I don't give a crap about how she feels, she knew he was married and if you are stupid enough to believe a married man who is having an affair with you then you get what you deserve when they do drop you. I just feel hatred for her and hope she is sat miserable, because she certainly won't feel as bad as me and my children. Children who she didn't think twice about when she was f-ing their dad.

I do care about the lies I'm fed though. I have wondered if I've took him back just to prove a point that she hasn't got the power to take him from me. Does that sound crazy? I just don't know my own mind at the moment. It's just a roundabout of sadness, grief, anger, hatred and all sorts of other emotions.

Yes indeed - I completely understand your need to show her 'you can keep your man'
But after what he has done, he is no PRIZE!!!
You will be going through all sorts of emotions and it will continue for quite a while yet. You have to go through a whole grieving process to overcome this.
And he has to help you do this if you want this to work.

I wrote all my questions down and also my feelings and what I was going through and I made him answer all the questions and read about how I was feeling.
Maybe that's a good place to start?

It's very normal for people in your situation to regard this as a competition for a prize.

I think a few months down the line, you'll perhaps feel differently about lies told to the OW. There is a distinction between feeling sympathy for her position (which you will possibly never feel) and being objective about what it says about a man who lies to two people and thinks that's acceptable.

Many people report that after the fight has been fought and the 'prize' won, they realise that this was not a prize at all. Not so much for people who have partners who are genuinely sorry and take responsibility for both the affair and relationship recovery. But for people in your situation, whose partners are doing nothing to understand themselves better or making efforts to fight for their relationships, it can feel like a very hollow victory indeed.

As someone who found out her husband had an affair exactly one week ago, I know what you are going through. However, I knew the minute he told me that I wanted to try and make our marriage work.

He has since gone out of his way to communicate and be open and honest. He is utterly, utterly ashamed of his behaviour. He is willing to do anything to make us work including going to a counsellor. He has given me all his passcodes for his emails and bank details so that I can see exactly what he is doing. He is reading blog after blog and book after book to try and understand what I am going through so that he knows what he needs to do to support me. He has even written a letter of apology to my parents for the hurt he has put me through and for abusing their trust in him too.

We have a long, long way to go and we haven't even really started yet - but I know from his response to this that he wants this marriage, as do I. Now we just need to work through the pain starting with lots of honest and open discussions.

If you want this marriage, I would say: sit down with him and ask him whether he does. If he says yes, then tell him that for it to work takes lots of talking - regardless of whether he wants to. He has to be prepared to be open and honest about everything.

I have actually felt closer to my husband this week after learning about his affair than I have in about 8 years.

I understand the angry, contemptuous response, OP. but Charbon is saying some very wise stuff here. I know you wish bad things on her, therefore him lying to her is acceptable and even logical in the narrative you want to build. But is is no harder for him to lie to you than her, and if he lied to her about something so large and meaningful, he has and will lie to you. As more lies of his emerge and you sense him playing you emotionally in the same way you will become more uncertain or what if anything you can trust. That's scary and will make you want to rely in him more but that's dangerous. His tapdancing is a sign of someone very weak or cruel or manipulative. I've known people cheat and tell the lover they will never leave and it means nothing, I've known people cheat being really desperately in love and admitting that, but the ones who say they love and knew they weren't are, in my mind the worst of all, and not liars so much as lies.

It dosn't matter why he had an affair; the fact is; he did it. So every time he's got issues that gives him an excuse to fuck around does it? No.

Don't get me wrong, I have had all the apologies, him saying he's ashamed etc, it just doesn't make it right though or help me forget. He thinks after 3 months its time I moved on and stopped thinking about her. He just wants to move on and make a new relationship with me. And I do as well in a way but its too hard for me to move at the minute. Yes we've been closer than before, but at this stage the honeymoon seems to be over for me. I have ups and downs throughout the day and I probably will for a long time. But Christ its hard.

that's part of the healing. After six months there will be a slight reduction in anger and grief and after a year a bit more. Two years is a pretty ordinary estimation of how long it takes to get back to something resembling a normality. He has to deal with that

Don't get me wrong, I have had all the apologies, him saying he's ashamed etc, it just doesn't make it right though or help me forget. He thinks after 3 months its time I moved on and stopped thinking about her. He just wants to move on and make a new relationship with me. And I do as well in a way but its too hard for me to move at the minute. Yes we've been closer than before, but at this stage the honeymoon seems to be over for me. I have ups and downs throughout the day and I probably will for a long time. But Christ its hard.

Can I ask what he has done other than utter words of apology and shame?

Has he had any therapy on his own?
Read anything?
Seen the link between lifelong behaviours and attitudes and what happened?
Embarked on a personal change programme?
Examined his coping mechanisms when life gets a bit tough again?

He seems to want to focus on your relationship and not his own self, which is always a mistake.

I think after 3 months the shock is probably wearing off and the urge to fight and survive is lessening. It's a common reaction even in couples where the infidelitous partner is doing all of the above and is making strenuous efforts in the relationship too.

It's therefore hardly surprising that you are struggling if none of the above is happening.

Wow, now he's suggested another baby!!!! I would think it was the drink talking but he mentioned this about a month ago in passing and I just laughed at him as i thought he was joking. But for him to mention it twice must mean something. He must be even more out if his mind than me.

Sounds like entrapment to me.

I would also like to thank you all for the relplies I have received. I've been too embarrassed to tell anyone about his affair so it feels good to be able to get things off my chest, as I have no one else to talk to. So thank you

Sick of feeling like this. I wish I had the strength to just let him go. But can't bear the thought of him not being in my life. I feel so weak and stupid. If it was one of my friends husbands I would tell her to get rid. So why can't I take the advice for myself.

A baby! Is he crazy?

Great post Charbon

Why don't you go and get some counselling on your own? Talking to a professional can help even more than posting here, and may help you clarify your thoughts.

He doesn't sound much of a prize BTW.