My mum only seems happy when she thinks I'm failing! She's pissed off today because things are going well.

[narcyoneyouare]

She seemed to love it when I was a single parent struggling on a council estate on minimum wage and would call all the time and always want to speak. Whenever things started looking up for me she became "snappy" and "off".

Anyway I met my now DP who was lovely, wanted to travel the world like me, motivated and a hard worker, high paid job and good with money and all of a sudden she doesn't want to know (unless she thinks we're on the verge of splitting and then she's interested again!). I got into university and it wasn't a case of congratualtions it was a host of negative comments:

"but how will you manage?"
"what about the kids?"
"you'll get into debt"
"what if you waste all that time and can't get a job at the end of it?"
"You'll get too tired and stressed out" etc etc etc

Anyway I percevered with it and am coming up to final year now and she's accepted that I WILL qualify next year (although I think secretely hopes I won't find a job, she says it enough). And I've just got another job - hence a load more negative comments "oooo you'll be too tired" "you'll miss the kids, who's looking after them anyway?" etc etc

When we bought our house she constantly went on about how I won't like it, isn't it a massive mortgage? are you not struggling to pay it? do you not think you're out your depth? etc etc

Someone told her we were struggling to make ends meet and that's why I've had to get an extra job so she called me all excited asking if we're struggling to pay the mortgage, do I regret moving in with DP, am I actually happy with DP? etc etc. Then she found out we were planning a trip to Paris (just the two of us, romantic weekend away) and again got all pissed off asking how we afford what we do, are we not struggling? etc etc. A couple of days ago she was winding me up fishing for negative things in my life so I told her that yeah, we're going to Paris, we are not struggling to do so and we're not doing it on the cheap. We're also taking the kids to Alton Towers, going to next year's Glastonbury, planning to go to Mexico next year and also planning a short break to see the Northern Lights - oh and my new job is going great AND - I'm quite confident about my upcoming exams. She went right off and moody and has not spoken to me since. I've since found out she has been complaining that her husband works hard and they struggle and there's "people like us" rolling in it and living the life of Riley and it aint fair.

Yes her husband works hard but I'm sorry - they're absolutely SHIT with money. They have no pension and recently got an inheritance of £30k - any normal couple would think "great, retirement money!" - but no they go and blow it all on a camper van that they can only use a couple of times a year. They've had a string of financial cock-ups over the years and that is NOT my fault, nor is it my fault that she doesn't work and therefore the two of them rely on £17k a year lone wage.

I'm sick of her going off in a mood everytime she thinks things are going well for someone, she's like it with everyone, constantly complaining when anyone gets a new house, a new car or goes on holiday and constantly questions other people's finances.

I'm not stupid, I know how quickly the confident can fall and I'm NOT cocky about it, dp could lose his job tomorrow and then we'd be up shit creek without a paddle but until that happens, why can't she just be happy for me and stop wishing everything would fuck up for me???

She is jealous. My father is like this. I spent years wondering if I'd done something wrong. But I've realised it's a case of the green eyed monster.

Sounds like you've got a bright future ahead, congratulations

Of course she's jealous. Next time she does it, just respond with a load of positive statements E.g.
her: you'll never find a job
you: well, I'm on track for a first class degree and have already been told I'm really good at xyz so I don't think it'll be too much of a problem

her: are you struggling financially?
you: no, not at all! You know how good DP is with money and he does get paid pretty well after all, so no problems there

She is just trying to piss on your chips. You don't need that kind of negativity.

It sounds like you are really well motivated, hard working and enjoying life to the full and most importantly doing it for you and your family. It's very sad that she can't be happy for you.
I have experienced the same with my mother who is constantly looking for something wrong and will try and cause a problem for me if I am happy. My experience is that you won't change her so I advise you to keep enjoying your life and remember to tell yourself that you aren't accountable to your mother, and you are right - you are not responsible for her unhappiness.

Sounds like my mum . Does she fit the profile of narccisstic mother ?

you aren't accountable to your mother, and you are right - you are not responsible for her unhappiness

Put that on a T-shirt!

It's hard to accept that sometimes people live us just a bit more when we are struggling. That's your mum's problem, not yours.

You could try calling her on it
'How are you going to afford that?'
'Why does that matter? I'm an adult now, you don't need to worry about my finances. I wouldn't dream of commenting on yours, Mum! Can you be happy for us that we are ...'

Or just don't give her as much detail about your affairs then she won't have anything to comment on.

Sounds exactly like my mum. Never happy for the positives in my life, in fact, the more my life is on the up, the downright nastier she becomes.
We see her as little as possible now. Someone who is meant to love you should not make you feel bad.
If im happy things are going well, she is and always has been first in line to tell me that I'm getting above myself and that I am headed for a fall, need taken down a peg etc. Now she moans endlessly to anyone who cares to listen how wronged she is, who she never knows what is going on in my life.
I've no idea why she behaves like this towards me (and my db). She is sweetness and light with my sisters.
The only way to cope with her sucking the joy out of our lives is to limit contact.
I feel for you OP, I really do.
Congratulations for the life you have, don't let her spoil it with negativity.

My mum is a lot like this - never happier than when I'm struggling or have had bad news. She finds it impossible to be happy for me, especially when it comes to relationships.

Agree with everyone else - she is jealous and bitter. It's horribly painful for you but it is 100% her problem. Up to you whether you call her on it or just ignore - I would choose whichever option you feel will be least upsetting for you.

Enjoy your success and enjoy spoiling yourselves

I don't see my mum anymore as she has started the crap behavior on dcs. It is not you and her behavior is not normal . You could never imagine being pleased when something went wrong for your dcs could you?

My wife's mother is alot like this. I used to get annoyed. I now really pity her. I mean that honestly. Money can be so divisive. I know that our parents should be proud of us, but let's not forget, they come from a very different time.

I've spent more money on a car than my parents did buying a house. They cannot fathom it. It's sad that she's like this, but she'll eventually get over it. If you wanted any advice (which I'm sure you don't) save every penny you can so that you can weather the inveitable hardship that will eventually come your way. I know this from personal experience.

Good luck. It's nice to hear about people getting on and making a life for themselves. Your last para tells me that you've got your head screwed on.

Indeed - my mother is a bit like this. Don't get me wrong I love her to bits. I am in the middle of a separation and moving and i think it's not the love of a the drama, but dare I say it - she herself is lonely (dad and her have been together 40 plus years and they "muddle along") and she feels she is being useful if there's issues to deal with. She wants to be helpful - in fact she just wants to be a mother?

Sorry if I've not read all the posts but have you tried explaining to her the way you feel - have you tried saying "Mum, I'm happy right now and it would be lovely if you could be happy for me."

I totally recognize my MIL as this. I feel so awful for you that this is your DM.

My mother seemed outwardly upset only last week when we returned from holiday to find that we'd had an amazing time on holiday with no problems.

My DH works on long contracts (always has done for over 20 years). He's doing really well at the moment but her only comment is "Well, you don't know exactly what job you'll have next year. You may not ever get another contract!". All possibly true but let's have some positivity here.

She constantly moans about how we have more money that BIL and his wife. We both went to college, work our arses off, have taken huge risks and don't sit around waiting for things to happen. This has paid off for us. She thinks we're just lucky. I won't even go into what she thinks of my parents. That's a huge thread.

I agree with the other posters OP. Your DM is hugely jealous. Have you ever thought of calling her on it? Next time she rings say "Why are you never happy for me mum? It really brings me down and makes me not want to talk to you". May shock her into looking at herself?

MIL not mother.

Feel for you OP, but as other posters have said, it really is her problem, not yours. Sadly she probably won't change.

I do think that's a good idea from harry above to say to her "Why are you never happy for me mum? It really brings me down and makes me not want to talk to you"^ you may have a breakthough with her, but (more likely) not. But at least you'd have tried.

Good on you for all you've achieved btw people like your mum (and mine) are actually very useful in helping us be self-aware and to be validating and supportive parents to our own DC, so that's a huge positive in all this.

My MIL seems desperate for our lives to go wrong.

We're happily married, have a beautiful baby who we both spend loads of time with because we're self employed and work from home. Oh and my stepsons are happy and well adjusted largely because DH and his ex get on well despite MILs efforts to spread discord.

Every mothers worst nightmare for her son I'm sure

God I feel so bad for everyone with mothers like this. What do they gain from being this way? I'm so thankful both my mum and MIL want us to be happy and help us when we're struggling and happy for us when we are in a good place.

Can't imagine ever being jealous of my children(when I eventually have them)

She is jealous, but also when you are down she can feel needed as a mother, in a position of superior strength and wisdom.
When you do well you unseat her from that position and you un-mother her. It feels like a rejection to her and she hates that. Try to be kind but firm, and don't let her dent your hard-won happiness!

Mil was like this too. One minor irritation was whenever we returned from holiday she was on the phone seconds after our arrival home telling us what marvellous weather we had missed.

I could laugh about that one, but she was a very jealous person and fil was always trying to "make things right" for her. They were constantly spending stupid amounts of money on useless things in John Lewis to assuage her feelings of deprivation. We bought a new sofa and mil sat there looking as if the world had ended. She and fil actually got up and left to go to John Lewis to buy a new suite, even though theirs was barely six months old. Bizarre.

Yup my adoptive mother was like this. I am now NC and never happier. It wasn't the only reason I went NC but it was part of the wider picture of emotional abuse and dysfunction.

She would always sound strangely flat if I rang with good news, an achievement was on holiday etc. But seemed to relish the drama of a possible mistake or bad patch.

They are very damaged individuals yet the hardest thing I found was trying to explain to people.

Yeah pure jealousy.

You have what she dont have.
She feels you dont deserve it.
Shes very entitled, and thinks she should have what you have.

People like that hate people better off, and you say its not just you.

My parents are like this so I just stopped telling them anything!

My mum can be like this too. She was at her worst after my dad left and she lost the plot a bit. She's better now she's a bit happier and has remarried, but it's still there beneath the surface and shows it's ugly face from time to time. Mostly if she hears that I've visited my dad, that's when this side really comes out
I have found the only way I can deal with it is by being very distant sadly. I feel for you but sounds like you are making a good life for you and your kids so you should be proud of yourself. Try to focus on that.