Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what is going on with my mother??!

33 replies

Hoseason · 04/09/2013 11:29

My mum and dad have been married for 40 odd years. They have always had a happy marriage, lots of love and laughter. Until probably 3 years ago. My mum seems to hate my dad. She picks at him about everything! I mean everything. He has been very patient and supportive. We all thought her bad mood was because of some health issues that were causing her pain.

Ive had a difficult 10 year marriage and she has been hideous to me about my divorce. Saying it was all my ault. I didnt 'look after my husband' properly...didnt cook his dinners enough etc (we bothed worked full time, he is an alcoholic). I was very hurt and found it difficult to be around her. But things are pretty much ok, i just dont turn to her for support etc.

Anyway...her health issues are resolved, she isnt in pain. She is still being hideous. She is still really critical of all of us. My dad, in particular, but me and my 2 dcs also. (my sister and her dcs can do no wrong, but they live a long way away).

She wants everything her way. She came over today to watch dc2 whilst i go into town. She's stormed off because she doesnt approve off the way i have rearranged the cupboard in my kitchen! and she thinks the shed that my dad is building me is too big and sticks out too far!!!

WTAF?!

I feel really conflicted. On the one hand I feel angry and just want to ignore her. On the other, she is my mum, and I miss the old her. I hate hate hate seeing the way she treats my dad, and he is less patiejnt anbd snappy. Its horrid Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoseason · 04/09/2013 12:57

Shes come back, as if nothing happened Confused Sad

OP posts:
KristyThomas · 04/09/2013 12:59

Have you asked her if she's happy? There could be some underlying issue that you don't know about, perhaps.

If not, then unfortunately it might just be to do with her age. Despite having a very good life, my grandmother has become increasingly sulky/irritable/irrational over the past few years as she's gotten older, for no particular reason. (My DM says it's like having a teenage child again!) Many of my parents' friends have experienced the same with their own parents, so it seems to be fairly common.

Gruntfuttock · 04/09/2013 13:03

Have you asked her why it is any of her business how you arrange your cupboard? Her behaviour sounds insane.

HitTheNorth · 04/09/2013 13:05

Sorry to say this but could it be dementia?

Jessicarthorse · 04/09/2013 13:08

No advice OP, but just to say I am in the same boat with my mother.

It is grim Sad

QuintessentialOldDear · 04/09/2013 13:11

How old is she?

snowmummy · 04/09/2013 13:13

I'm afraid I was thinking the same as HitTheNorth. If this is a fairly sudden and dramatic personality change, then it needs to be investigated

peggyundercrackers · 04/09/2013 13:16

first thing i though was could it be dementia?

DoJo · 04/09/2013 13:26

Or possibly hormonal effects of the menopause, depending on her age?

fedupwithdeployment · 04/09/2013 13:27

Same here. My granny was like this and sadly my uncle is having similar problems with his wife. I think you should contact the GP.

somersethouse · 04/09/2013 13:30

Yes, yes to above posters, how old is DM?

Original poster
Hoseason · 04/09/2013 13:34

I have asked her if she is happy a while ago. She blew up at me/ swore at me. I was worried about her health then and i phoned her GP and said i was worried about dementia. Her GP told her i had phoned and she was really cross with me. She said GP was referring her for counselling and it was all my fault now, it would ruin her marriage Confused

there IS an issue that she has been upset about. This will out me. A number of years ago, she found out that my dad was a secret smoker. That he has been smoking since he was 16 and NOBODY knew. Not his friends/colleagues/family, because he was ashamed. She felt massively betrayed and couldn't understand why he hadn't told her.y dad didn't want her to tell anyone else, not even me and my sister. So he doesn't know that i know and she won't talk about it any more! I think he has given up
e and my sister guessed when we were younger but never said anything. We didn't consider that she didn't know. We thought they kept it from us sp as not to be a bad example

all very ridiculous i know!

is this something that could affect her like this? Why is she so horrid to me though?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoseason · 04/09/2013 13:35

She is 64

i so don't want this to be a permanent change

how do you deal with it/her jess?

OP posts:
cleopatrasasp · 04/09/2013 13:35

My gran and I were as close as close can be. A few years ago she really seemed to start to dislike me, she went on to cause complete uproar in my life and was incredibly nasty to me - I was distraught by it all. Sadly, she has now been diagnosed with dementia. Dementia doesn't always start with confusion and forgetfulness, it quite often starts with behavioural changes.

Original poster
Hoseason · 04/09/2013 13:39

My fad retired at around the time this all started. She retired a few years before
They had big plans to go travelling the world together. She won't even entertain the idea of a holiday, on their own

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoseason · 04/09/2013 13:42

Oh crap. I don't want it to be dementia

her mum was 85 when she died, and was very mentally fine. Although she became quite a misery guts too, i think

OP posts:
WynkenBlynkenandNod · 04/09/2013 13:46

If she was my Mum I'd want blood tests and a Memory Clinic referral. Can you talk to your Dad about the situation and see what he feels?

As others have said Dementia can often present with behavioural changes first, it did in my Mum. There's a type that affects the frontal lobe where personality changes are usually the first symptoms with memory loss coming in much later. Sorry you're gong through this. It's horrible when your Mum says things like this to you.

QuintessentialOldDear · 04/09/2013 13:52

My mum flew into a total rage by my suggestion of moving the microwave oven up from the larder in the basement to the kitchen. She scooped up all the family photos standing on the work top (not used for actual cooking, but a wall with a half depth counter with base cupboards and wall cupboards) and threw them in the bin.
I just wanted to make it easier for her.

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2013 13:55

I don't think much of her doctor, telling her that you'd spoken to him. He must have known you were worried.

I was thinking of dementia too, I'm really sorry, or another health problem. The change is so sudden that it's hard to explain it away otherwise.

Can you have proper conversations with her? Can you sit her down and talk to her about the way she behaves?

You have an opportunity now to see if she remembers what she said about the shed and your cupboards. Could you mention either in passing and see whether her feelings are still so strong?

Jessicarthorse · 04/09/2013 13:57

It might be dementia I guess - although in my mother's case I think it's depression.

There's no point in discussing anything with her - she won't listen, won't consider helping herself. She's always been miserable, but in the last few years has got really nasty.

I deal with it by disengaging, frankly. And by offloading on my poor brother!

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 04/09/2013 13:58

I'm sorry, hadn't seen your last post about not wanting it to be dementia when I posted. Agree with Imperial about the doctor. I would not be happy with counselling as a solution to this until investigations had been carried out to check no underlying physical cause.

Original poster
Hoseason · 04/09/2013 15:36

Has your mum got dementia quint?

she has had every blood test going/xrays/scans etc.....she had undiagnosed abdominal pain and some odd blood results...but diagnoses was never reached. They thought it was cancer at first
so she has had a stressful time
Also broke her leg, which they didn't diagnose for 3 weeks. And had 6 months or so of severe pain from a spinal problem

so we all thought her mood was related to that
but she is better now. What im trying to say is, i don't think she has any physical problems that would explain this

me and my dad and my sister have tried to talk to her about it...she is either dismissive or angry
she only seems to speak if she has something oppositional to say. She never says positive things

re, her GP...its hard to get a true idea of what os going on as she doesn't ask questions that get the answers she wants.my dad went with her but didn't do any better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoseason · 04/09/2013 16:46

Ok. So ive asked her why she was so angry about my shed and the cupboard. She is no longer angry but maintains that her opinion on both is right, and both me and my dad 'neever do things the easy way' we 'do everything wrong'

Confused
OP posts:
QueenofWhispers · 04/09/2013 17:21

here is what we do. We stick your mom and mom in a room together. My mom will most likely scare the mean out of your mother.

my mother is soo scary she will scare any demons your mother may have out in 20 minutes or less. I promise. Now I just need to know where she's run off to. Probably stuck to someones ceiling.

Doha · 04/09/2013 17:50

Could she be having mini strokes which can change the personality totally. My DF was the kindest nicest man on the planet until over a period of a few years he had a succession of "mini strokes" (you would not necessarily recognise) and he became a nasty old man. I knew it wasn't the real him but an illness he could do nothing about.

Just a thought

Swipe left for the next trending thread