how to sort out finances - divorce

[epic78]

I really want out of marriage. Just don't love, respect or even like (d) h anymore. Lots of minor ea type issues.
So I have also posted in legal as I feel totally trapped. Posting here to for more personal experiences.
Basically we have 3 dc and a mortgaged house.
Also 10k savings
Dh has big private pension 300 pm going in and maybe 45k worth endownments.
Origanally I though his endowments and bulk of pension would equal house equity. 150k in total,
Obv not exact split but baring in mind he earns 65k pa not unreasonable.
However I have discovered our mortgage lender would only lend me less than half that.
Hoe on earth can people divorce once a mortgage is involved.
If we sold the house I would be resigned to living in rented as I could never afford another mortgage even if I went back to work full time.
Plus hopefully soon to be ex partner will struggle to pay maintenance and get a mortgage himself.
Sorry getting rantly but just seems so hopeless.

Sorry sent to soon.
Any advice or personal experiences appreciated.

Thank you.

The courts don't seem to see there being an issue with you spending your equity on rent, they just want a roof over the children's head.

Can you sell the house and downsize using the equity as your deposit then topping up with a much smaller mortgage? That is what we are doing. We have agreed a 70/30 split in my favour as I have full residency of the children, have been a sahm for 6years and can't really return to full-time work for another 2 years when youngest dc starts school.

As far as I know, the courts don't consider pensions in a 'pound for pound' way when comparing to equity.

The most important thing considered by the courts is providing a stable roof over your children's heads. That does NOT necessarily mean selling the house. You may not be able to take the mortgage on (ie. get it transferred into your name) but you can indemnify your husband for his part of the mortgage (ie. take on the responsibility of paying it). Are you able to actually make the payments?

I don't agree with the previous poster that the court don't care if you spend equity on rent, that is not the impression I have been given (I'm not a lawyer but going through acrimonious divorce at present).

As a priority I would recommend going to see a lawyer and try to find one who will give you a decent free hour of advice - they do exist although one thing I discovered is that there's no rhyme nor reason to finding them. Some lawyers will not agree to a free face-to-face meeting (and they are under no obligation to). Some offer a free half hour but when you go along will talk quite generically about the divorce process. I was lucky enough to find one who asked me to email through all the facts as I knew them in advance, and then gave me over an hour of detailed thoughts and advice regarding my situation. Mind you I'd already spent thousands on another lawyer who I was changing from so it didn't feel like the bargain it was!

My advice - DON'T feel trapped. Get educated. Find out what your options are. If you are the primary carer there is a very good chance you will get to stay in the house, especially if you can meet payments alone. Check out the Tax Credit calculator if that applies and work out exactly what situation you'd be in, given that you will be entitled to 25% of your husband's net income as maintenance for the children (again, assuming you are the primary carer and that they will largely remain with you).

Good luck. You are not trapped - there is a better future out there! :)

I did the child maintenance calculator and the entitled too one. Maintenace should cover mortgage. Benefits should be enough to live on until youngest is 5 if I cut out the luxuries like sky etc.
Yes it will be tough but doable if we can sort the Immediate mess out.

I guess we could go down a bedroom but that would only make 50k before counting cost of moving etc.

You have to think about what the needs of both parents are and what money is available for rehousing. Are you the primary carer? Will the children largely be living with you?

Yep I am a sahm. Youngest is 1 so that would be 17 years for mesher order. Mortgage would be paid off by than.
Maybe I need to get him to have a word with his lawyer brother.
Maybe this will shock him into changing but maybe not.

Thank you

Do you live in a very expensive housing area?
If you have £150K equity in the house, that sounds like quite a lot. If you can sell up, can you really not get a house for £150K + whatever mortgage you can raise?
That leaves your xH with the £40K endowment as a deposit and a salary that's going to get him maybe £180K of mortgage.
If you both want to own houses, relocating to your nearest cheaper area may be the best option.
I'm not suggesting that this is the best split of finances - but it doesn't sound like you're trapped to me?

I think you need to look into going back to work, too. Remember that childcare fees aren't your cost - they should come from both your salaries.

Hang on. So OP wants to end marriage. Both parties need a roof over their head for children to live/stay in during contact. So OP (if she gets full residency) can insist on keeping the mortgaged home until youngest DC is 18 and her H has to rent/live with his mum if he can't afford to buy a house without deposit from equity? Why can't OP sell up, give the man who's been paying the mortgage for the past 10 years his share and rent herself if necessary?

With regards the pension; how does that work if she chooses to stake a claim on it? Come the man's retirement does she get a lump sum or a monthly payment?

Not having a go at you OP, just using your situation as an example to get some clarification.

Could get a 2 bedroom for 150k just. But not much use when you have 3 dc. Could go down to 3 bed but they are about 200k and ours realistically would only fetch 245ish.
Really don't know solution. Maybe he could change but I doubt it.
Its sad that whatever happens one of use is likely to have to rent as we both had our own homes before marrying.

Sorry misread that. Yes at a push could get mortgage for 50k.
Childcare for 3dc would equal more than any salary I could earn but I gess I would qualify for wtc so mzybe its an option.

a Msher is just one possible option/outcome - i'm not sure i would go as far as Viking and state this is the usual or standard outcome.

A whole host of scenarios can play out - yes the priority of the childrens housings needs will be a big deciding factor but so will a whole bunch of other items and in my experience (i am not a laywer so just going from friends and family been through divorces) the courts wont leave one partner with nothing or nothing for a long period of time. They will also try to ensure your ex has suitable housing which allows for the children to come and stay (ie he wont be expected to stay at mums or have a 1 bedroom flat)

You need to seek out a solicitor who can look at all options and give you clear advice - which will involve a specialist pension valuation as well. it might sound alot but 300 pr month into a pension probably does not actually pay that well at the end of it unless its a final salary one (which are becoming much less common)

Why can't OP sell up, give the man who's been paying the mortgage for the past 10 years his share and rent herself if necessary?

Well first of all, they are married so whether or not the husband has been paying the mortgage is irrelevant. They were a unit and her contribution as a SAHM is (thankfully) considered to be as important as his, and in fact if the children continue to live with her as their primary carer, then HER needs to house the children adequately are given priority.

I have been told by a family specialist barrister (as well as my divorce lawyers) that in the absence of sufficient funds to provide a large enough home for BOTH parents, priority will be given to the person housing the children for the majority of the time. What's the point of forcing the children to live in TWO inadequate homes all the time, rather than one house which is sufficient and another which is smaller but which they stay in for less time?

Mesher Order souunds like the most sensible option here
probably better for your dh too, as whe your youngest is 18, and the house can be sold you will both get a good amount
so he might need to rent for a while but in 18 years at least hes gonna get something
sounds best for both of you

good luck starting your new life op

back to you

I'm a SAHM and, should I decide to call time on the marriage, I would expect DH to help provide a home for DD. However, I wouldn't expect him to give up his share of the equity so I could stay in marital home whilst he rented if there was a fair alternative. OP can downsize to a 3 bedroom and release some equity.

Well it's very interesting knowing what you might expect or want out of your theoretical divorce, but what the OP was hoping for was some sense of what was actually LIKELY to happen.

Your personal sense of what is right and wrong is not particularly relevant here.

It's a discussion forum, misreadings ...

I was told that if the house was too big for my needs, then a sale could be forced, so for example, if you live in a 5 bed, but could live in a 3 bed, then the H can force a sale. (I lived in a 2 bed so not an option in my case).

My solicitor also said the the courts judge it equally important for both parties to have a roof over their heads, but realistically because I have DD, then I would get maybe 70/30 split.

My solicitor suggested the Mesher, whereby XH would have got his share when DD turned 18, or I remarried, etc.

In the end, XH just signed the house over to me, as it was my capital that went into it and the equity was less than that, so morally he did the right thing although he was not legally bound to.

It would appear from comments on here, that different solicitors give different advice, so all you can do is find the best solicitor that you can.

Is it? Crikey, I thought I was in a doctor's waiting room.

allhappyfamiliesarealike - it's not helpful to post what appear to be merely your judgemental thoughts about what is and isn't fair in terms of a split post-marriage. The OP asked for people's personal experiences of similar situations because she is feeling trapped and worried about her future.

Most posters have tried to help by posting their own experiences of similar situations. You appear to be trying to tell her that in your opinion, what she wants is unfair because that isn't what you would expect in her situation.

Actually in her situation it is common for there to be a Mesher order. It is also common for her (despite having not been the one to pay the mortgage ) to come away with quite a lot more than 50% of the equity.

All this, despite it not being What You Would Expect. Whatever next?!