Felt it was always me and my fault for not fitting in.
I still struggle to define what was my fault and what was not. I look back and logically know I had no influence in a situation but a voice in the back of my head is always there making me doubt myself.
I am still working on being appropriately assertive. I had to confront someone at work recently and when it went smoothly I came away feeling confused. I was glad it was all ironed out, but worried he would hold a grudge and keep bringing it up and picking holes in me. When he didn't I found this hard to deal with. It was the first real disagreement since XH and it took me a while to feel comfortable that it really was over.
*
I picked my battles. It was easy to not argue with the small stuff - like hiding food - because my mind was elsewhere. I agreed with things he said in public to people because if I didn't, he would say I was disrespecting him as the man of the house.
As time went on I used to agree with everything he said because I wanted him to like me. He was excited by conspiracy theories, so I would read things on the Internet and learn them because, whilst I was telling him the story, he would be listening to me.
*
He is very very religious. He hid food to stockpile it as he thinks we are living in the 'end times'.
He said I was possessed by the 'spirit of Jezebel' a demon that meant I could not submit to him. He once pinned me to the bed to try and exorcise the demon in me, I was so scared. He said he could see it in my eyes and, although I knew it was crazy, I half believed maybe I was evil.
I have screenshots of religious scripture he sent me, emails, handwritten notes, etc. He would text me scriptures about how evil I was. He texted my friend scriptural references, about evil women who manipulate men. He posted all over Facebook about how evil I am and added everyone I know to look at it.
He threw away all my DVDs that he felt were inappropriate- e.g. horror films and music he did not like, e.g. rock. He said it was demonic and listening to it let demons in. He said if I didn't throw them away I was a bad mother, as I cared more about keeping the films than the kids.
When we stayed in South Africa he said his bad mood was a result of the demonic spirits coming from the masks on the wall.
*
Whenever I cried he would ignore me, he said I was using my tears to try and control and manipulate him. He threatened to leave me unless I apologised. He said he would never divorce me. He wanted to be married always but would only come back when I submitted and was good.
When I was heavily pregnant with DD1, we were in a bar with my sister and her husband and he lifted my skirt up in the middle of the bar. I was very upset but he just called me a name. I think he said I was a slut.
When I was heavily pregnant with DD1 we had a disagreement whilst out, he left me in the town and disappeared. I got a cab home as it was raining and sat outside the house for hours. He didn't come home so I climbed a wall at the back of the house so I could break in through the back door. I fell off the wall and hurt myself. He came home drunk, shouted at me then drove off. I went to bed and when I woke up the next morning I was bleeding. He said he was hungover and it was my fault I fell, I shouldn't have climbed the wall. I had to go to the hospital alone. I am sure that there are maternity notes that will attest to this.
I had PND after DD1 but spoke to the doctors and said it also stemmed from him. I have a doctor?s letter to prove this. He said I had no idea how depression felt. He wanted to die every day and thought about hanging himself from a tree. But the when we disagreed he used to say it was my fault as I was the one on pills. He then denied ever saying the above.
*
He told people I was suicidal and tried to kill myself. He even called the police and they turned up on my doorstep. I have just read through his statement, where he says I tried to kill myself. In one bit he says it was a drink and another it was pills. Surely this will count for something - he is so inconsistent.
If I wanted affection from him he would go limp and refuse to hug me. One time, he wanted to hug me and I stepped away. For months and months afterwards, he said he was abused by me and he even phoned a men's domestic violence helpline - he told me all about it and how the man on the other end of the line said I was abusive and he must take control of the situation.
Whenever he did something, he later did one of two things: he claimed it never happened, told a different story where I was in his place and was the abuser; or he said it wasn't bad because he had seen his dad do much worse to his mum... I should feel lucky.
He and his sister claimed his Father raped his sister as a child. They are now back in contact with him, denying this and want my daughters to see his father. I?m worried he might want to rape them.
*
When I was pregnant with DD2, DD1 was just a few months old (they were born a year apart.) I had SPD and was in a lot of pain. DD1 had spent all night crying and I had just fallen asleep at about 8am, when she woke up again. I asked XH to go downstairs and heat up some expressed milk. He kicked off and didn't want to go, but by that time I had DD in bed with me. He walked downstairs and after about 10 minutes I called to ask where the milk was. He ignored me, I went downstairs myself with DD and he was just sitting watching TV and wouldn't talk to me. He them got up, walked into the kitchen, held the kettle in his hand, and threatened to throw its contents over me and DD if I did not get off his case.
When pregnant with DD2 I upset him, I don't know why, he pushed me and I landed on the floor and my stomach hit a corner.
Mother's Day 2011 he said as a Mother's Day present he would get up with DD1 so I could have a lay in. He rarely went out, in fact in all the years we were together I would say less than five times. However he chose the night before Mother?s Day to travel across the country and go on a night out. We went with him (he had form for cheating and I was scared not to) and slept on an air bed that night. The next morning he wanted me to get up with DD1. When I protested, because it was my Mother?s Day lay-in, he stood up and kicked me. I was lying on the air bed at the time and was pregnant with DD2.
He sent me home from London alone on the last train, pregnant and with a baby, because he didn't want me around any more.
When I had SPD I couldn't move and he had to help me in and out of the bath. One evening I was due to go out and he wanted to go to football training. We had agreed in advance I would be going out, as he went to football every week. He helped me into the bath then left the house. I was stuck. I couldn't get up and if DD1 had cried there was nothing I could do about it, I had to sit there and wait until he came back.
He never wanted sex with me but I realised if I stopped asking him he would want me more. When pregnant I asked him daily, as I knew he would leave me be. However when he realised my SPD caused pain he wanted sex more. I lactated from my first trimester and my breasts were very sensitive. He knew this and used to pinch and squeeze my breasts throughout sex.
He never came to hospital with DD2 as he said he had done it with DD1, and, as I didn't want to find out the sex he said scans were pointless. He encouraged me not to go even though I explained they check the child's health. He refused to take me so I had to rely on my family as I could not drive.
When pregnant with DD2 I had a double hernia. This was because he did not want me to stop working and I wanted him to be proud of me. One day it became agony and he refused to take me to hospital, he said I was playing up to it and being pathetic. He also said if I went to hospital he would not look after DD1. I ended up going anyway and my friend drove me. This hernia led to an operation and the early birth of DD2.
When DD2 was born and in intensive care I was sitting by her bed and just being with her, he called me because he couldn't find his football boots. He started screaming at me, saying I was a bitch for not knowing where his boots were.
Days after the birth of DD2 he wanted to have sex. DD2 was in intensive care - she was a premature baby and very ill. I had just had a C-section and double hernia operation. We had sex in the bathroom of the hospital. He told me he was the man of the house. I wanted to make him happy.
*
If we had sex, he wanted me to be wearing makeup. We slept in separate beds and I used to beg him to stay with me, I was so lonely.
He would watch a lot of pornography. He used to say it was because I was ugly and couldn't satisfy him. He also said if I was nicer to him he wouldn't watch it. But he did anyway.
He would be very cross if I did not have makeup on. Especially eyebrows. He said I looked like an Alien if I didn't. He once said if he had met me and my sister at the same time he would have picked her because she is more attractive.
*
After DD2 left hospital, she was breast feeding one night. I was upstairs and he was in his shed. She suddenly stopped breathing. I shook her and hit her back but she was floppy. I ran downstairs and shouted for him. By this point she looked white and blue. He just looked at me and said - this is your fault. I ran across the road as I knew a neighbour was a nurse. She managed to get baby breathing again and she spat up mucus. The neighbour rang for an ambulance, the paramedics said she was fine and sometimes this happened after her condition. Once they left XH said it was my fault. The bible says sins are passed down the generations, and he told me DD2 has inherited my demons.
If I had to leave the house he would ignore the DDs. He said it was not his job. Put them in their cribs so they could not climb out and go and sit in his shed.
His days off work he said we his days and not for childcare, he ignored the girls. He would get food for himself and ignore the children.
*
Any decisions had to be his. If I put an opinion forward or called a member of my family for advice, he would shout at me, saying I wasn't allowing him to be the man of the house, he then would leave and go and sleep at work. He said he would rather sleep on a sofa than be with me and, if I wanted to be in charge so much, how would I like being on my own all night. Once time he left and when he got into London realised he had picked up my keys not his and couldn't get into work. He was stuck outside for ages. He called me to say it was my fault because I made him leave and he hated me. He was going to leave me and take the children away.
On Xmas 2012 I made breakfast for everyone. Bacon sandwiches. He asked for red sauce and my nana asked for brown. Even though I gave him red he didn't believe me, he took me into the kitchen and made me taste test the two different sauces and tell him what was what. He then held the bottles in front of me and said I was stupid. Didn't even know red from brown. He was never wrong.
I had to cook for him straight after the births. I never remember him cooking.
He always wanted fresh food, I had to cook it before he came in, that was hard as he worked shifts and could be home at 2am. He made me throw food away if he didn't fancy it and I would have to cook from scratch something else.
I had to prepare him for work each day, iron his uniform, make sure he had money and keys and check his train times, if he ran late it was my fault.
He spilled something on his shirt once and made me travel to Newcastle from Peterborough to take him a clean one or he said he would leave me.
He once shouted at me in front of my friend for not ironing his shirt well enough.
He would lose things all the time and, when he couldn't find them, he accused me of hiding them.
Once there was a power cut and he said I turned the electricity off to spite him. We didn't speak for days.
He would go out and not tell me he was going or when he would be back, I never even knew he had left the house.
*
He is very money focused and if something happened like a big bill he would be really angry at me, I once left the freezer door open and he demanded I pay for it all.
He would hide things I bought to make a point. I bought the girls some clothing and he said it was a waste of money.
I wanted to get a slide for the girls in the garden. He came in and said plastic was tacky and wood was too expensive, so they couldn't have any toys in the garden. He shouted that I was manipulative and the girls were spoilt. There were no toys in the garden.
He came home one day and a friend and I had some tea, we had used a splash of milk in each cup. He shouted at me for using it. He said the milk was his.
I had access to both bank accounts and would sort out the bills, he made me check the balance almost daily. If it was not to his liking or if I had not earned enough (I am self-employed,) he would accuse me of being frivolous. I once booked a holiday and he agreed with the price. However, there was an additional minor fee for transfers. He refused to talk to me because he said I hid the transfer cost. This is the same holiday he assaulted the live in nanny and she left.
*
He said inappropriate things to the nanny, for example he questioned her on how she would feel when her father would die. Her father has heart problems but has a few years to live. The nanny was uncomfortable around XH.
He would continuously bring up my previous marriage. When I threatened to leave him he would say 'two kids and two failed marriages, who else will want you?'
Whenever I said I would contact the police, he said they would take me away too and the children would have no-one. He said the children would be sent to his family to be looked after because he would tell them mine were abusive and controlling. Due to this I only called them after we had broken up.
When DD1 was a year and a half old I was potty training her. She had an accident and he shook her, smacked her and said she was dirty, that is when I decided to really leave.
After we broke up he diverted my work email to his personal email so I couldn't earn any money. I had to confirm this through my own account and I have proof of this.
When we split up he came back and grabbed me in front of the children and a friend, she is happy to give a statement. He kept telling his sister I was possessed, he said this in front of the nanny.
*
He once was angry with me and grabbed me around the throat and threatened to spit in my face. I was up against a wall. He would threaten to punch me in the face when he was angry, he said one day it will happen.
He pushed me down some stairs whilst I was holding DD2. I can't remember why.
He once called me a cunt repetitively and pushed me every time he said it until I was outside. He then locked the door and I had to wait for him to let me back in.
I was once ironing and he was next to me, he pushed the iron so the thin edge hit my arm, when I yelped he laughed.
*
XH did not like me having a relationship with my family. On a few occasions he banned me from seeing them. All my family had to tread on eggshells when we lived with them for two months, they are all willing to write statements.
He also said my friend was a bad influence.
When I had fun in public, for example danced to a band, he said I was embarrassing and looked stupid.
I was once in a charity shop with a friend and the children, he was there and he became angry - we still don't know why. He started picking at me then stormed off. The woman working in the shop asked if I was okay and offered me a cup of tea. She said it was not normal.
A friend helped us move. He disagreed about where a cabinet should be and got up in my face shouting.
*
He contacted my ex to ask him to say in court I was abusive. Ex refused so he wrote in his statement he said it anyway. Ex has agreed to write a statement to support me.
In police reports he claims the CSA have been in touch, and he thinks it's not really the CSA, but me trying to wind him up.
My head just feels so full of all these stories. And they said to get them all on paper, as many as I could remember. It's so difficult. There are so many I could go on all day.
Although I know exactly what happened I feel confused. He always told me I was wrong and I cannot accurately express my thoughts at this time as they flash between what I know happened and how he made me feel. I felt like I was going crazy.