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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BF and DD have argued! Advice please

30 replies

bouquetdiva · 01/09/2013 19:53

Background to this is that I have been a LP for 12 years and have 2 DD aged 23 and 20. The older one has left home and the younger is going to university at the end of September. I have been dating BF for 15 months and he has no children. We have broken up a couple of times and I have been really upset. Since then, he has been helping me with jobs around the house, decorating and DIY. The result of this is that youngest DD has been rude and hostile to BF and he now says that no-one has ever been so rude to him in his life and he will never speak to her again. I have said that this makes our relationship untenable.

I think that DD is both protective of me and that the timing is wrong for her as we have always been close and I am developing a new relationship at a time when she is leaving home.

Am I being selfish? I do not want to lose him or to risk my relationship with her.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 01/09/2013 19:56

Why was she rude to him if he was helping make your home better?

He has completely overreacted. It is obvious he has no children!

The problem is that you will want your girls to always feel they have a home with you. If he moves in with you, will they still feel that?

Is your DD2 worried about going to university? Will she be living in student accommodation then?

Portofino · 01/09/2013 19:58

Well if he was anywhere decent he would take the time to understand about how this must feel for her. Refusing to speak to her again is very childish. I would not choose a man over my own child.

Original poster

bouquetdiva · 01/09/2013 20:04

Thanks for replying. She was rude because in the past she has always been the one to choose tiles, paint etc with me and she is upset that she was not consulted. I have been insensitive here and have also relied on her too much. She will be in student accommodation and is really excited about going.

Yes, I am concerned that things will change if he moves in and we will not have the same comfortable times together as we have done and cannot imagine it working if they are not speaking. But perhaps if I ignore it for now it will sort itself out. It is still a bit raw at the moment

OP posts:

Xales · 01/09/2013 20:12

You have been together 15 months, split up several times and been very upset. Is it any wonder your DD doesn't like this guy?

She probably feels like you can't wait to see the back of her and move him in.

Rather than understanding that and working on it he is being stroppy and never talking to her again. How old is he?

How is that going to make her feel if he moves in and she ever comes to visit? Shit in what was her home.

perfectstorm · 01/09/2013 20:16

Why did you and the BF break up the times before?

Doha · 01/09/2013 20:18

Be careful here OP. If you move your DP in when your DD moves out you are almost certainly asking for trouble.
By your own admission you have split up with your P several times in 15 months, you really can't call yourself in a stable relationship at present.
Don't ignore her--tell your DP to grow up and act his age.
I hope for your sake you never have to chose between them.

Original poster

bouquetdiva · 01/09/2013 20:19

Xales - he is 43. I really could not have her feeling uncomfortable in her own home. He is being stubborn and childish. Coping without both of them will be hard but may be better in the long run .....

OP posts:

LadyMilfordHaven · 01/09/2013 20:20

why are you evcen thinking of choosing

SHE is your priority

LadyMilfordHaven · 01/09/2013 20:21

AND why are you resolving it?

He sounds like a twat if he cant manage a 12 yo

scrazy · 01/09/2013 20:24

Students get a lot of holidays and are only at uni for half a year in reality. Your DD will most likely be wanting to be home in the holidays so bear that in mind if you decide to move him in.

Original poster

bouquetdiva · 01/09/2013 20:24

We broke up before because he wanted to move our relationship forward more quickly and for us to live together. I felt the time was wrong because of DD going to university and wanting things to remain unchanged during her last few months here. We have since been planning for him to move in next year.

I love her to bits and could not bear to lose her. My ex husband has had no contact for several years and it has been mainly me and my two DD since then.

OP posts:

Original poster

bouquetdiva · 01/09/2013 20:28

Thanks for your replies - really helpful to clarify my thoughts. I have been tearing myself apart trying to keep everyone happy.

OP posts:

LadyMilfordHaven · 01/09/2013 20:29

bouquet

I can tell you, professionally i see a LOT of kids scarred by parents remarriage when the kid is in their teens

make her your focus

colditz · 01/09/2013 20:30

LadyMilford, the 'child' is 20, not 12

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 01/09/2013 20:32

If he is really never going to talk to her again, then he can't actually move into your family home. Perhaps you can keep the relationship if you still want him as a separate thing, i.e. not a living together thing.

Also, if you DD is excited about starting uni, then she is probably also scared to death of it at the same time! This mix will create short fuses. If she was rude, can you not just get her to apologise to him? If he is then gracious about it assuming it is a proper apology then fine. But if he is a sulky child about it...then perhaps time to think again.

LadyMilfordHaven · 01/09/2013 20:36

oh LORDIO!

haha
thanks. Sorry everyone

Original poster

bouquetdiva · 01/09/2013 20:36

She has refused to apologise! Fuses are definitely short - she is normally the easiest person to be around but at the moment is angry a lot of the time.

That's an idea - I could keep things more low key and put his moving in on hold for now.

OP posts:

nenevomito · 01/09/2013 20:37

I should imagine that your DD is quite protective of you. In 15 months you've broken up twice with this man, so that has probably coloured her relationship with him. Also, leaving home is a big thing - another factor.

No, she shouldn't be rude to him and yes she should apologise for being rude to a guest, BUT, if he really means he won't talk to her again, its a no go I'm afraid.

Daughter over a man you have been in a short (and on-off) relationship with.

Viking1 · 01/09/2013 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bouquetdiva · 01/09/2013 21:13

Yes you are right I need to slow down. It has been so good being with someone again and wanting to get on with things and be a proper couple! I have been apprehensive about youngest DD leaving home too.

OP posts:

Original poster

bouquetdiva · 01/09/2013 21:15

and yes he would be better off living here and is keen to move

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 01/09/2013 21:47

So who chose the paint etc this time? Does she feel, do you think, that he's getting his feet under the table and next time she comes home it will be yours and his house and not hers?

Personally I wouldn't move anyone in anyway if I thought they'd financially benefit from it. I'd be thinking of the nightmare of getting him to move out. Also, my home is my children's. If they didn't like the bloke I wouldn't move him in.

ageofgrandillusion · 01/09/2013 21:48

Your children come first, end of story. Regardless of what she said to him, he should be acting a little maturely about this whole situation. He sounds like a prick. LTB.

Original poster

bouquetdiva · 01/09/2013 22:04

I chose the paint etc with him and she feels left out ..... yep I have been tactless and she may feel that he is taking over.

But I shouldn't need to consult a 20 year old about tiles for our bathroom!

OP posts:

Doha · 01/09/2013 22:08

Your DD should apologise
Your DP should act his age and recognise the difficult transition that is happening in your DD's life, his refusal to speak is just immature twatish behaviour.
You need to slow down and do not let your DP move in until his relationship with you has lasted a while longer without further breakups ( although it will be very interesting just how long it will last if you don't let him move in and he is not so well off) and also your DD needs to be reassured that she will always have a home to go to during holidays without her space being filled the minute she leaves for university. If you rush moving him in you will lose your DD and have noone to blame but yourself

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