Mil (age 67) and fil (72) say they now find it "too tiring" to have our dc to stay for 3 days in the summer holidays

[Mintyy]

I'm a bit surprised. When I'm 67 I would hope to have the energy to hang out with a 10 year old and a 12 year old who require no more care than having their meals cooked and to be reminded to have a shower/go to bed (10 year old only).

Or is that unrealistic of me?

Mil is less than 17 years older than me to put it in context .

[ALittleStranger]

I said it was free childcare. It is! Unless the OP is taking in some cousins for those three days she and her DP get a lovely child-free time together. You might think there are benefits for the kids and GPs but there's also a massive perk for you!

I think families have different expectations. My mum made it very clear before DCs were remotely on the horizon that she would not do childcare and wouldn't do holidays. This isn't weird in our family as I never did overnights with my GPs.

A lot of posters here seem to think their parents are missing out by not seeing more of their GPs but surely they disagree. People maybe overlook how much parenting styles have changed. A lot of what you may think is charming or tolerable in your DCs is frankly intolerable for others.

[AcrylicPlexiglass]

My dad must be the exception that proves the rule, then. He is very unselfish and generous.

[CaptainSweatPants]

Surely saying they're tired is just an excuse

For whatever reason they don't want your kids overnight alone any more

You say they get on great , really all the time?? Perhaps they were bored & fed up & wanted to be at home with their mates

[forehead]

I bloody well hope that when I am a grand parent, that I could manage THREE days a YEAR.
The thing is in a few years these children will be adults and will probably not want to spend any time with their grandparents.

[Mintyy]

Frogwatcher - I think you are being wilfully thick actually!

My mil, since dd was 4 years old, has asked to have the dgc for a few days in the summer holidays. She doesn't see much of them because we live a long way away and she feels the loss of having close family nearby very keenly. When she does have them we have to drive them to her (so 200 mile round trip three days apart, an enormous bunch of fun for us not)

This year she has said that she finds it "too tiring" and won't want to do it next year. That's fine, I don't mind, in some ways it makes our holidays easier.

The whole point of my thread was is it really too "tiring" to have a couple of pre-teens in your house for three days a year when you are 67? Pre-teens who you love and constantly say you don't see enough of? I am pretty dismayed to think that 67 is too old to engage in this kind of activity! Sigourney Weaver is 67 fgs, ditto Dolly Parton and Susan Sarandon iirc. 67 is NOT old but mil is behaving as though it is.

Neither of them have health issues. But they did have their children very young and probably have a skewed idea of what constitutes old age nowadays.

[frogwatcher42]

But why am I being willfully thick.? Genuine question as I genuinely do not understand what I have said to be willfully thick?

I have had wine but even so???

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

ALittleStranger
Your mother sounds quite cold and selfish - did your children not think that odd compared with their friend's relationships with their grandparents.
I am not refering to 'child care' but did she never want to spend any fun time with them or take them out on an outing or something - surely???

[AnyFucker]

My mother is late 60's

She cannot wait to be old and incapacitated. I am serious.

[frogwatcher42]

Anyfucker - please explain why I am being willfully thick. I obviously am as op says it too. But I genuinely don't know what I have said to offend?

[prettybird]

I'm just glad that my dad (76) is fit and healthy and enjoys spending time with ds. My mum would have been 73 this year and, if she hadn't had an accident at 67 while cycling with dad in India (which eventually killed her last year ), would have been equally involved.

When ds was younger (he'll be 13 in a couple of weeks) they had him to stay a few times and loved it. Dad still loves to spend time with ds.

I wish ds had spent more time with them when he was younger as he can't remember his granny from before the accident - only the diminished version from after .

It had been difficult to fit time in with them, as because they were fit and healthy and had taken early retirement and were spending the kids' inheritance now gallivanting around the world, we'd reserved ds spending time with them for when we needed it - and now it's too late.

In the OP's case there are 4 people to consider. If the GPs genuinely don't want to have their GCs to stay, they can't be forced to do so. But they can't then complain if the GCs have no relationship with them. Similarly, do the GCs actually want to stay with their grandparents? If they do and are disappointed at not going, then if the PILs still don't care, then that is very sad - but again they can't be forced. It's a harsh lesson for the grandchildren though - that blood is not thicker than water.

[AnyFucker]

Nobody is offended, frog.

My initial comment to you was because you were banging on about gp's as childcare when OP had made it clear it wasn't about that. Myself, I initially replied in that vein, but backed off when I realised

Perhaps it's less that you are "thick" and more that you haven't Read the Fucking Thread ?

[frogwatcher42]

Anyfucker - thanks. That's clearer except, rather worryingly, I have actually read the whole thread as it has gone on!!!! Too much wine maybe!!

Maryz - it is possible to be knackered with a 10 and 12 year old. I regularly look after this age group (slightly older) nieces and nephews. It is exhausting!!! They are great kids, but still want food (endless food and drink!), squabble, talk a lot to me (which is great but still tiring as their energy levels are higher than mine), ask to do things that I am not 100% comfortable with and then want an explanation/argument as to why I say no (climb to the top of the trees at the end of the garden, walk to town along main road, bake etc etc). Its just having children other than my own that I find tiring. I actually find them more tiring than my large brood of smaller children!

[Mintyy]

How old are you frogwatcher?

[frogwatcher42]

Maryz - its not really entertained as it would be with little ones. I admit they don't need help doing anything.

It just is tiring but hard to say why. I think it because they talk a lot (which is lovely and so entertaining), ask a lot of questions, want to do things that they feel they can because they are 'big' (I still get terrified when I see them up the top of the trees hanging from the ropes they get up there), etc.

They are so good, and so good at helping with my slightly younger ones. But it is still tiring. I don't know why.

Its not entertaining them rather than having a house full. A bit like having house guests is tiring.

[AnyFucker]

Nobody said it isn't tiring

But 3 days out of 365 ?

Just rest up before and after. That's what I would do, in order to spend quality time with my GC.

[Floralnomad]

Perhaps whilst your children were visiting this year they found them difficult to entertain and the children didnt seem to be having a good time . It maybe that your MIL thinks that the children won't want to go in future and she's saying she doesn't want to have them rather than be told they won't be coming IYSWIM . Getting in first so to speak . What have your children said about the visit this summer ?

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Frog - 3 days a year is no great shakes. Yes, we can all get very tired, but we do our best for our children and grandchildren, if health and fitness permits us to, no?

[Mintyy]

Of course, if mil had had a baby at 44/5 (certainly not unheard of) she could be dealing with a pre-teen day in day out . I might casually say something along those lines when I next see her!

[ChunkyFicken]

I am a bit perplexed that there is an assumption that grandparents should be cartwheeling with happiness and eager to have grandchildren to stay. And if they're not they are lazy/selfish/doomed to have a crap relationship with the children.

And really, it is childcare if it's for three days. We can talk about benefits to the child/grandparents' relationship but I think we should be honest and admit there are huge benefits to parents too! Am probably green with envy as would love to have three child-free days, happy in the knowledge that my DC were being well looked after or even entertained.

But I just don't see that to be a wonderful grandparent (or thought of as wonderful) you have to do overnighters etc. I dunno. Sometimes I worry about how much I'll be expected to do as a grandparent (and this is after watching extended family members take the piss out of grandparents). Just feels there's such a lot of expectations on grandparents these days.

[frogwatcher42]

Mintyy I am a fairly fit just past 40 year old (plus a little)!! I work a busy job, have a few children, have a busy social life, have a great husband etc. I only need between 5 and 6 hours sleep and am buzzing.

Generally my energy levels are high. I can work through the night happily (plus look after the kids the day before and after).

I still find a houseful of kids other than my own tiring - perhaps I worry about them too much and find it a responsibility as I am a bit of a worrier.

[Chubfuddler]

I agree with chunky.

Perhaps they weren't very well behaved op and their gran doesn't want to say so, so has gone for " tired" as an excuse. Or perhaps she genuinely found it a physical or mental strain.