Mil (age 67) and fil (72) say they now find it "too tiring" to have our dc to stay for 3 days in the summer holidays

[Mintyy]

I'm a bit surprised. When I'm 67 I would hope to have the energy to hang out with a 10 year old and a 12 year old who require no more care than having their meals cooked and to be reminded to have a shower/go to bed (10 year old only).

Or is that unrealistic of me?

Mil is less than 17 years older than me to put it in context .

[LIZS]

Think you may be underestimating the level of noise and chaos which typical 10 & 12yo behaviour might cause. They may also feel they have to entertain them more than you probably would in the normal course of things finding it stressful and disruptive (ie. they can't take a mid afternoon nap or watch Countdown!).

[frogwatcher42]

Not a lone voice Chunky.

Regardless of age, having any child or teenager in your house takes effort. I know as I have nieces and nephews over a lot and there is always an element of entertainment - not like there is with toddlers but it is certainly harder than being by yourself or with my own dc.

I personally find that some people are very selfish re grandparents looking after grandchildren. Sometimes the grandparents daren't say no (not always obviously as a lot of the time the grandparents do genuinely want and request it). Sometimes I work with the elderly who meet for luches etc and it is often a topic of conversation. Sometimes the grandparents feel very used but will not tell their children that they feel like that. Sometimes its not that they find the children hard but they simply don't want to spend their time being used as a free babysitter. Its sad to hear it. I personally think it quite brave of your parents to make a stand. They are probably the envy of many of their friends who dare not!!

[frogwatcher42]

Op - Also - I would expect that there is a fair chance that you may not want to spend days and days with your grandchildren if you are a fit and healthy pensioner. You will be sailing, walking, traveling, going for dinner, yoga, theatre, dancing, etc etc.

Whilst I will adore any grandchildren there is a good chance imo that I will also have a life and feel that I have done my childcare bit and that if my kids have kids themselves, it is up to them to look after them! A day here and there would be fine and outings and fun with them would be good. But a stand in parent - no way!

[HumphreyCobbler]

Mintyy is talking about three days A YEAR. Hardly being a stand in parent.

[frogwatcher42]

Three days is a hell of a lot in one go in my book. I am only 40 odd and I wouldn't want another child for three days however much I loved it. And I am stuck at home with kids already.

But then I don't know anybody whose parents have their children for three days at a time so maybe it is alien to me. Most of my friends think they are lucky if they get 3 hours childcare from their parents!. My inlaws/parents are fairly typical and take about 10 holidays a year now they are retired. In between sailing, days out, eating out, bridge, gardening, chess club, WI, coach trips to stately homes, parish councils, etc etc. There is not a lot of time for 3 days childcare!!!

[AnyFucker]

frog, are you being wilfully thick ?

[Mumsyblouse]

frogwatcher- hardly free childcare is it, visiting your grandparents for three days in an entire year!

I think this is a big shame. Someone said that it's possible to have a close bonded relationship without staying over, I agree to some extent but only if the grandparents come and stay themselves or there are lots of regular visits, very hard if 100 miles away. And if you aren't prepared to spend days and days with them, and you can't be bothered to change your routine at all for them, no, they won't be as interested in you. You may not mind this however (although if you are like my MIL you will constantly go on and on about how you'd love to see the children while not making any effort to achieve this, so you don't look like a 'bad granny')

[Mumsyblouse]

Three days out of 365, 100th of your time too much? Oh dear, you won't be a much loved granny, will you?

[Nanny0gg]

I find astonishing how selfish some grandparents are.

Really??

Oh dear. I love my DGC to bits and see them an awful lot.

I've never had them for a sleepover and I have to admit I don't particularly want to...

[frogwatcher42]

Anyfucker - no, not willfully. Just am thick I think!!. Perhaps you could point out to me how I am so as for those of us who are intellectually challenged it is a little difficult to see?

Mumsyblouse - my dc have a great relationship with their grandparents but have never spent an awful lot of time with them. They do speak to them a lot though and write to them. The time they do have is great. I do think it is possible if the grandparents can't have them for days at a time.

[IceCreamForCrow]

I also don't think three days is an unreasonable or excessive amount.

I do feel I'd like to think I'll be willing to to more in the way of sleepovers and help than my own parents have done if/when I'm a grandma and in similar health to my own parents are.

I do find it strange in my case, as I clearly remember being sent off (to my much older grandma) on many occasions as a child.

[frogwatcher42]

My parents definately love their grandchildren to bits. The grandchildren know that even though they don't go to stay for ages.

[Fridayschild]

My parents are both in their 70s and very fit, fitter than all their friends. They say my DC are too tiring to look after for long periods. I tried it once for 24 hours and found they had abandoned the DC to my brother.....

However they will look after the children of both my siblings who are younger than my DC. They will also baby sit for me in the evening at short notice, social life permitting, if I get stuck at work unexpectedly.

I have taken the view that I just need to Get Over It. The comments here about disrupting GP routines and not being happy with a DC having a lovely time on a computer are ringing lots of bells!

[superstarheartbreaker]

Thay are quite old to be honest and kids are knackering. I know it is abonus if the grandparents can look after the kids but due to their age (72 fgs!) you are being a bit unreasonable.

[AcrylicPlexiglass]

My dad is 70 and has my 14 year olds for up to a week or so most holidays. I so hope I'm like him and don't feel old old from my early 60s like some.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Frogwatcer42 - you don't convince me.
Skyping, emailing, letter writing is not the same as contact IN-PERSON to build up good relationships between grandparents and children.

[AnyFucker]

My new retirement age is 67

My job is physically, mentally and emotionally really full-on

5 days a week

52 weeks a year

Just sayin'

some of the Baby Boomer generation have forgotten what it's like to concentrate on someone else for more than five fucking minutes

[AnyFucker]

Sorry, not 52 weeks, 46 weeks a year

[foolonthehill]

My Grandmother (93) loves having the GC and greatGC, they still go and stay with her (though not the babies any more) otoh my parent(65 and 66) have made it very clear throughout my children's lives that they do not want to be be used as any sort of childcare and whilst they "love to see us" actually just get on with their own lives for the most part when I do take the DC to visit. When we are there they provide a place to stay but are seldom interested in actually spending time alongside the DC doing stuff (or nothing) . I am hugely sad for the DC who have no people other than me and my unmarried brother who actually "get" them in our family.

I wonder if it is the influence of their generation.....were those who were teens and 20's in the 60's raised with less family expectations and more ??????selfish????

[frogwatcher42]

Keepcool - honest. It is possible. I was extremely close to my grandparents but saw them rarely. I did stay with them for one night about once every two years though. I wrote to them a lot and they wrote to me. I honestly do not think our relationship was lacking - I could have told them anything, and felt they were there for me at all times.

They are dead now. I miss them so much. I miss their calls on my birthday, I miss their letters dropping on the mat. I miss calling them when I have done something or seen something I think they would be interested in. I miss our trips to see them as a family - and trips to the theatre with them. I miss their hugs, and the smell of my grandads jumpers. I miss seeing my grandads darned real wool socks on his feet. I miss my grandmas cakes. I miss the sound of the china cup on the saucer when she passed me a cup of tea. I miss my grandads rough hand in mine.

I am crying writing this. I couldn't have been closer to them I don't think. It was mainly done through phone and letters.

[CookieDoughKid]

I think it really depends on the personality and temperament. My mother has just turned 60 but has never ever offered to babysit. I wouldn't ask either. Just spending an hour in the presence of my two dcs knackers her out. She is simply not interested in playing with them. My in-laws are not set up for kids at all. They are all in good health but have no interest in minding or playing with the dcs. They all prefer adult company, they never offer to babysit. It's just not something that interests them. I don't take it to heart but unfortunately, it means my dcs are not very interested in them either except at Xmas . it takes two to tango I think...

[Walkacrossthesand]

Reading this thread reminds me how much I appreciated my dear departed mum, who helped me so much when I was a newly-single parent of 3 under 5s. At 66 (and a widow) , she would come and stay, and get up when they did to give me a lie-in - when I expressed my anxiety about this being tiring for her , she said 'I can lie-in any time I want when they're not here - I want to be with them now!' I hope to model myself on her when my turn at GPhood comes. Thanks mum...

[kelda]

I'm not surprised. Three consecutive days/nights would be hard for my parents. They are happy to look after them in the day but have never babysat overnight, let alone three.

[frogwatcher42]

And we did visit them about three times a year as a family. And they stayed with us for a weekend a year.

[CookieDoughKid]

Im with fool on it being a generation thing of expectations..