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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not in love. dont talk. trial seperation??.....

39 replies

CarlyP · 19/06/2006 11:15

hi,

maybe someoen can help.

me and h have been married 3yrs. got 2 boys aged 1 and 2. both work in london, i do four days, he does 5 days 8-6.

we dont talk. dont go out. dont communicate.

latest row was voer his dad as he never makes an effort to see the boys, and im fed up with when he does come he expects it to be on his terms.

i am outspoken and will voice an opinion. though never to hurt someone and where his family are concerned i never even voice my opinion to them.

my fgamily are open and honest. his you cant have an opinion incase it upsets someone.

im fed up with this and so is he.

i suggested relate a few months ago but he said no, then we said we must get out together on our own more, that never happens.

so i think a trial seperation is in order.

any ideas?......

thanks

OP posts:

sandyballs · 19/06/2006 11:28

Don't be too hasty. Two very small children combined with long working hours is stressful and tiring. Even the best of relationships are tested at these times. Things might improve as they get older.

Original poster

CarlyP · 19/06/2006 11:32

i know what you r saying sandyballs. but we jsut have nothing left to alk about apart from boys and the house. whats the point.

OP posts:

Turquoise · 19/06/2006 11:33

Well have you done the getting out on your own more like he suggested?

Original poster

CarlyP · 19/06/2006 11:42

he didnt suggest it, i did! and no, we never manage to sort a babysitter out.

OP posts:

FloatingOnTheMed · 19/06/2006 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CarlyP · 19/06/2006 12:13

i know.

it would prob help but right now i dont even know if i want to try anymore.

OP posts:

FloatingOnTheMed · 19/06/2006 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peasinapod · 19/06/2006 12:49

Please please try you owe it to yourself and your family . If you try at least if it goes wrong you know you tried (god thats a lot of trys )You book a babysitter and he can choose the resturant , There are babysitting agencies you can get good realible people from . At least you get a good meal out of it . Please try .

wannaBe1974 · 19/06/2006 13:03

Your relationship will only work if you both want it to. You should think hard before suggesting a separation though, are you prepared for what separation actually involves? Being a single parent to two very small children? Having to do all the childcare, all the housework, all the day to day living on your own, but having to hand the children over to their father for access visits on a regular basis? Are you prepared to watch your husband potentially move on and find another partner, and for your children to have another mother figure have an influence on their upbringing?

Imo your problems are not so bad that they can’t be fixed. I do totally understand that couples find it impossible to live together and that for some separation is the only solution, but separation isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, and it’s not always the solution to the problem. I remember two years ago when me and dh went through a rough patch and I seriously considered leaving, a friend who is divorced from her 1st husband and now remarried said to me “think very hard about what you’re doing. Even if you had no other option it’s still bloody difficult separating from someone, and if you regret doing it it’s too late, because even if you go back, you can never go back to the way things were”. I think she was totally right and I’m happy to say I never went down that road. Please think very carefully before leaving. Talk to your dh, explain to him how serious this has got, and see if you can work together to work things out. If you want to, then you can.

Original poster

CarlyP · 19/06/2006 13:06

we have a nanny who looks after the boys. maybe i could ask her to babysit.

would tongiht be too soon though. considering feelings are running high.

i appreciate you all taking the time to answer.

OP posts:

FloatingOnTheMed · 19/06/2006 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 19/06/2006 13:21

you can only talk about what you know - work and family. if you want to talk about something else you have to create a different environment.

have you no friends you could go out with?

Original poster

CarlyP · 19/06/2006 13:29

we do have friends we go out with, although they normally come round to us.

im sure our nanny will babysit.

spoken to him since and he said 'if thats what i want, and if i want to throuw away what we have, then i can explain to the kids when they are older'

OP posts:

Tortington · 19/06/2006 13:47

thats not fair it takes two to try. i think you should remind him is not a passenger but an equal partner and as such he needs to demonstrate his commitment with action

peasinapod · 19/06/2006 13:47

He is just saying that because he dosnt know wht else to say . HE IS A MAN . As much as we want them to react to things in the same way we would he wont because he is male not female . He is probably (cant spell ) scared and defensive so just arrange to go out tonight if possible . Imagine this happening to one of your sons and picture how you would want their partner to behave towards them . Just try if it all (marriage ) dosnt work it it wont be for want of trying .

Original poster

CarlyP · 19/06/2006 13:58

Spoken to our nanny and she can babysit tonight.

ill get in and bath and play with boys then put them to bed about 8 and she is coming over at 8.30pm.

havent spoken to H since. will spk to him later i guess.

thanks for all your help.

OP posts:

peasinapod · 19/06/2006 14:02

Well done you ,you know it makes sence , LOL Enjoy the evening . You DH or shall we say H seeing as you are not happy with him , will be surprised to see that you are trying to arrange a night out ,if all goes well maybe you could book nanny on a set night each week just so you dont get into the habit of not going out again . Please come back and tell us what a nice time you had . Best of luck .

Original poster

CarlyP · 19/06/2006 14:05

THANKS PEASINAPOD.

and thank you to everyone else. custardos words really brought it home that things may be crap, but may be worth fighting for a bit longer.

(i also have an ppt on wed re: hysterctomy as i have polycystic ovaries and endometriosis, have 2 boys and 1 m/c, now pain is so bad they think i need a hysto, im 27. so amybe thats getting on top of me a bit)

OP posts:

peasinapod · 19/06/2006 14:05

PS if you ring H and he dosnt sound pleased or he gives you a negative reaction to tonight dont take it too heart he still dosnt know how to react to you and he still maybe thinking that you are going to ask for a seperation so if you want to make this night an enjoyable one I would tell him befor hand that this is not on the agenda . Then he can relax too and you will both have a better evening .

peasinapod · 19/06/2006 14:07

Hope all goes well for your medical stuff not surprising you feel pi**ed off really . But enjoy tonight and face the rest of the crap tomorrow .

FloatingOnTheMed · 19/06/2006 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CarlyP · 19/06/2006 14:45

is the idea for us NOT to talk about things then??.....

Help,im confused!

OP posts:

FloatingOnTheMed · 19/06/2006 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CarlyP · 19/06/2006 15:10

Gotcha!!!! Thanks xx

OP posts:

peasinapod · 19/06/2006 15:42

Talk about holidays the kids anything plesant but the tough stuff should be avoided as a resturant isnt the place ,you said you couldnt be bothered with him but if you give him a chance to show you again about why you fell in love with him in the first place it might turn out ok . I am not saying the serious stuff shouldnt be talked about but at a later date . Lets just see if you have a nice meal with him and enjoy his company you might want to lead the relationship back onto more even ground and then you can address the problems when you are not so pi88ed off with him .

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