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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MNrs with depressed partners - how do you know it's them not you

98 replies

MarriedToMrGrumpy · 01/09/2013 13:22

For a long time we have had problems. And for a long time I've thought it was my fault, because dh told me so. If only I would have more sex, if only I wouldn't do housework at the weekends, if only I didn't work so much.... lots and lots of reasons that sounded valid, and I beat myself up for it.

Recently he started on dc. If only they weren't so naughty. If only they went to bed easily. And so on and so on.

This Summer Hols we have been so happy without him. The three of us (me and the dc) get on so well. They get one well with each other, and other children. They're not perfect, and neither am I, but we are human, so that's to be expected. I've received some beautiful compliments about how lovely they are, and me being a calm and attentive mum.

Overall I'm really happy. And I've realized that dh is sucking the life out of me. He says he is happy when he is at work, it's just at home he is miserable. Those are the only two things he does - be at work, or be at home. He says he can't go out because I won't let him (not true), can't read a book, watch a film, play video games, do DIY, mow lawn, anything because dc won't let him. Besides watching sport, or going to the cinema alone, I can't think of anything he enjoys. He has no pride in himself. He got an important certificate recently, and just shoved it back in the envelope, didn't want to talk about it or mention it to anyone.

He says he's not depressed, but that he struggles to find the joy in day to day life. He constantly is negative, and if dc do misbehave, over generalizes 'well he's always doing that because he's a nasty boy' etc.

He puts me down a lot, and tbh has done for a long time. Now he's started on dc I'm at my wit's end.

So MNrs with depressed partners. How do you know that your partner has a problem they need help and treatment for vs that you just don't like each other anymore and it's time to move on.

OP posts:
Lovemynailstoday · 01/09/2013 13:27

Has he always been like this or is this behaviour new?

cece · 01/09/2013 13:28

He just sounds mean and abusive to me, especially if he is only like it at home.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/09/2013 13:36

Well, if it's only family life that drags him down, how about you LTB and give him a chance to be happy on his own?

Original poster
MarriedToMrGrumpy · 01/09/2013 13:44

He had an episode of diagnosed depression before we met which he went to counselling for, and he has severe depression in his family. He says he felt like this before he met me, that I made him happy, and now I don't anymore, because I've changed, which is why I accepted I need to be nicer, more sex, more care free, not ask him to help so much. I have changed because I am no longer a giddy teenager with no responsibilities. I like how I've changed - he doesn't.

I know I am clucthing at straws. I really want us to stay together, but think that can olnly happen if either I magically guess how me and dc need to change to make him happy, or he gets help.

I've had mental health problems before - I pretty much had to get on with life and help myself, but I do know what it takes to recover, and what help I would've really appreciated. So if he thinks he has a problem, I can help. But he's adament it's not him, its us.

I know that trying to dance around him doing what I can to make him happy without getting him to take responsibility for his own life is not really helping anyone. It just breaks my heart to stop.

OP posts:
TheSilverySoothsayer · 01/09/2013 13:47

Finding no joy in life sounds like depression. Not realising you are depressed can be a symptom too - because depression warps reality, and the depressed person thinks they are just seeing 'the truth.'

I suggest him visiting the GP, where there are questionnaires that can be done, which, if he answers honestly, can guide the GP in diagnosis (as well as the usual talking, obviously). ADs can be v effective.

Portofino · 01/09/2013 13:47

I say bollocks. My Dh was seriously depressed (suicidal) last year. This manifested itself at work as well as at home, and at no point did he blame me, or dd for his feelings.

With treatment, he is mostly now back to normal.

Portofino · 01/09/2013 13:50

"which is why I accepted I need to be nicer, more sex, more care free, not ask him to help so much"

A big fat Hmm. He is doing a number on you.

WhoNickedMyName · 01/09/2013 13:50

How do you know... it's time to move on

Recently he started on the dc

It's time to move on.

Portofino · 01/09/2013 13:51

Do YOU get any positives from this relationship?

YoniBottsBumgina · 01/09/2013 13:54

It's not you.

I can't see anything in your attitude or actions either stated or implied in your OP that says you're doing anything wrong, yet a lot implied in what you have said about him. Do you really think that depression can explain away him saying your DS is "a nasty boy"? That's not on.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 01/09/2013 14:03

Whether it is depression or something else you cant make him change. Only he can do that. If he doesnt want to or wont acknowledge that then that is his choice.

Choos123 · 01/09/2013 15:19

Dh has been depressed but he's never blamed his family, and the unwarranted criticism of you and the dc doesn't sound right. I agree op, he should get help, he sounds stressful to be around.

WhiteandGreen · 01/09/2013 15:36

"So MNrs with depressed partners. How do you know that your partner has a problem they need help and treatment for vs that you just don't like each other anymore and it's time to move on."

Both can be true.

Surely if he were depressed then that would manifest itself at work too?

Original poster
MarriedToMrGrumpy · 01/09/2013 15:40

Thanks all. Yes there is a lot of tension in the house when he is home, which ironicly does make the dc behave badly. I think he would be happier if he didn't have any responsibility for looking after dc. That is the main issue between us - division of responsibilities - besides paperwork, everything else seems to be down to me, and if I ask for help with any of it he is like a bear with a sore head.

OP posts:
WhiteandGreen · 01/09/2013 15:43

When I read the title of your thread my first thought was "when you're happy and fine after you've left' Grin

Lovingfreedom · 01/09/2013 15:52

I had one of these. Must say home life has been much more pleasant for since I showed him the door and I find the housework much more manageable too. Lol. You just don't miss having this kind of energy sapping idiot under your feet.

Original poster
MarriedToMrGrumpy · 01/09/2013 15:56

WhiteandGreen - that's what worries me, that it's his homelife is so awful for him it's making him feel this way. But then I live this life everyday and I'm really enjoying it. Maybe he's just not very well suited to it, and forcing him to be a hands on dad is not really working. When it's just the two of us we are mostly happy. I think he only throws the insults at me when he is already wound up by the kids. Maybe it's best if he takes a step back and I pick up all the time with dc, and he just gets involved when he feels like it, and slowly he builds up to more time with us?

OP posts:
Original poster
MarriedToMrGrumpy · 01/09/2013 15:58

Lovingfreedom - how does it work with your dc though if you don't mind me asking? I don't want to share them like that - the thought of being away from them for Christmas or birthdays breaks my heart. And I would worry how we was caring for them (or not) when I'm not there.

OP posts:
WhiteandGreen · 01/09/2013 15:58

Eh? Do you really think that?

Anniegetyourgun · 01/09/2013 15:58

Basically, then, the reward for behaving like a bear with a sore head is that he doesn't have to take any responsibility, do any housework or help to raise his own children; instead everyone tiptoes round him, pandering to his moods, and he gets more sex. That's not really a massive incentive to improve his behaviour.

Lovingfreedom · 01/09/2013 15:59

Sometimes these selfish entitled guys don't like having to share their mummies partners with the kids

Lovingfreedom · 01/09/2013 16:06

Kids are 50% with me and 50% with their dad. But that's our arrangement. You might be looking at a totally different set up esp if you've been sahp. I was the only wage earner and always worked ft.

yellowballoons · 01/09/2013 16:07

Sounds like he has lost sight of being able to be happy.
Sounds like he cannot cope with the usual stresses and strains of normal life.

Does he ever go on holiday by himself?

FloraFoxley · 01/09/2013 16:10

Why so you want to stay with abusive sulking man child ? Get rid

Lovingfreedom · 01/09/2013 16:16

If you can't bear to kick him out buy a shed and stick him in it. Think that's what our mothers' generation did with miserable bastards like these. Don't pander to him. It's not your responsibility to make him happy. I really do feel for you OP. I've been there and it really is thankless.