MNrs with depressed partners - how do you know it's them not you

[MarriedToMrGrumpy]

For a long time we have had problems. And for a long time I've thought it was my fault, because dh told me so. If only I would have more sex, if only I wouldn't do housework at the weekends, if only I didn't work so much.... lots and lots of reasons that sounded valid, and I beat myself up for it.

Recently he started on dc. If only they weren't so naughty. If only they went to bed easily. And so on and so on.

This Summer Hols we have been so happy without him. The three of us (me and the dc) get on so well. They get one well with each other, and other children. They're not perfect, and neither am I, but we are human, so that's to be expected. I've received some beautiful compliments about how lovely they are, and me being a calm and attentive mum.

Overall I'm really happy. And I've realized that dh is sucking the life out of me. He says he is happy when he is at work, it's just at home he is miserable. Those are the only two things he does - be at work, or be at home. He says he can't go out because I won't let him (not true), can't read a book, watch a film, play video games, do DIY, mow lawn, anything because dc won't let him. Besides watching sport, or going to the cinema alone, I can't think of anything he enjoys. He has no pride in himself. He got an important certificate recently, and just shoved it back in the envelope, didn't want to talk about it or mention it to anyone.

He says he's not depressed, but that he struggles to find the joy in day to day life. He constantly is negative, and if dc do misbehave, over generalizes 'well he's always doing that because he's a nasty boy' etc.

He puts me down a lot, and tbh has done for a long time. Now he's started on dc I'm at my wit's end.

So MNrs with depressed partners. How do you know that your partner has a problem they need help and treatment for vs that you just don't like each other anymore and it's time to move on.

[RollerCola]

Yes I find work is a release too. It's somewhere that things are 'normal'. People behave with respect, they're friendly, funny, caring and well just normal Then I go home & the cloud descends

I just want to get him out now. Me & the kids had a few days away recently & it was wonderful. No stress, no moaning, everything was done spontaneously. Everyone was happy. I loved every minute of it & it made me realise without a doubt I'll be ok on my own with them.

I do worry about being without them when they stay with him but I think we'll arrange it so that they are only ever away from one of us for a day or two at a time. It'll mean a lot of moving back & forth for them but they seem to be quite looking forward to it!

I'm going to use the time to do things for me. Go shopping, meet friends, evenings out etc. All the things I have no time for now because I'm so busy doing everything here. I will miss them when they aren't here but I'll keep busy & I'm sure it'll soon become the new routine.

It's not how I thought life would be. But neither is my current life, so it'll be a million times better than that.

[BettyBotter]

Been there too. It's not you.

You see, the difficult thing is that depression can make the depressed person look to external causes for their feelings and draw logical but wrong conclusions that that's why they feel shit. They might not even realise they feel 'sad' but instead feel incredibly stressed or irritable because they think that their partner doesn't love them enough or breathes funny / their dcs are badly behaved/ they haven't got enough money/ their boss is a bastard or whatever they see first when they look around (usually poor partner).

Dh was vvv similar to yours down to the irritability with dcs, blaming me for not enough sex, too much nagging (where 'nagging' meant a single friendly request for something) etc etc. I finally made an ultimatum and booked him a GP appointment. I would have ended it if he hadn't gone. He was diagnosed with quite severe depression to his great surprise and started ADs. They made a MASSIVE difference. He is now once again a pleasant person to be around and a patient and kind father

We still annoy each other, his boss is still a bastard but he can now deal with all life's trials without losing his temper or passing the blame on to me.

If you don't want to LTB until he's had a chance to sort it then I'd get him to the GP with a big fat shove up his arse.

[metoo22]

Hi everyone, sorry to hear your tales but I can certainly empathise with lots of what you say. My h is quiet and withdrawn, he is quite friendly when e.g. my friends or family come here, but he never really engages, conversation is superficial and he keeps it on that level. he has no friends and his family is abroad. The friends/family I have confided in say they find him pleasant enough but quite difficult to be around partly because of this lack of interest.
I have made excuses for him for the whole of our relationship, I am beginning to realise (often on the basis that he is not in his home country - but he has been here 25 years!). Our life together is not terrible but our children are big and starting to leave home of get towards that stage and I just cannot see any benefit to me of staying with him. I thought he might be depressed, but some of what has been said above rings true - he says that if I was nicer to him and had sex with him he would be happy...

[triathlonmum]

Betty thanks for that - I might give it one shot to get him to GP, even if just to rule it out. I can't see him doing it though, he is so convinced it is all me.

metoo sorry to hear you've also got one.....

[unlucky83]

Give him the ultimatum to go to GP...but otherwise I can't help you - don't really know what to do myself! I don't think my DP is depressed he is just an arse! (Also feeling trapped ...long story not debt but a dream house we I am refurbishing that is mainly in his name - current house is mainly in mine - but I've spent my money on new house he wouldn't have...and I want to live there! )
There is one line that is jumping out at me from this post - the 'you've changed' line...
My DP has said that to me - 'I haven't changed, you have' ...yes I have - we are almost 20 yrs older (I've grown up a bit!), with 2 DCs and I'm a SAHM /drudge -who knows they have screwed up their career...
makes my blood boil ...
When we have been arguing (often - but not in front of DCs) there is an atmosphere and DCs definitely play up more...

I was ready to call it a day a couple of years ago - we went to Relate and the counsellor (male) persuaded me although I thought splitting up would make my life easier it wouldn't really - all that sorting out access visits etc...( and not tidying up after DP as well as DCs while he sits and plays on his netbook)
We really needed to get our sex life back on track - spend sensual time together every week... no actually I don't like DP very much - I really resent him - I don't WANT to spend sensual time with him - I just need him to pull his weight a bit more around the house and not behave like my 3rd child - then maybe our sex life will get back on track...
What sums it up is talking to DP the other day about me trying to get a job in my field again (DCs both now at school) ...which, if I can get one at all, would have to be FT. DP works early shifts - finishes at 1pm at the latest - so I suggested I can get DCs to school and work 9.30 -5.30pm and he can pick them up at 3 ....his reaction - that wasn't fair - that would mean all he did was work and look after DCs - they could go to after school club and I could pick them up at 6pm! (so my life would consist of.... work and looking after DCs (and house) ....)
Talking to my mum about this and her reaction - 'that's men for you' and a list of what her friends (in their 70s!) are still putting up with....
Really don't know what to do - this wasn't how my life was supposed to be either...

[Wellwobbly]

You can lovingly give boundaries.

Being depressed does not mean you have licence to behave abusively.

You can still let a depressed person know they are out of order.

So warn him that you will no longer put up with being blamed for his feelings of dissatisfaction, and unless HE TAKES STEPS to address his 'world view', you will make other arrangements.

Detachment does not mean uncaring or unloving. You can lovingly detach and you can lovingly require he lives his consequences.

[tallwivglasses]

The man who does the Purple Ronnie cartoons gives a really good account of depression here

I think it's unlikely that a lot of the husbands/partners mentioned here are undergoing true depression.

As others have said it's so much easier being a lone parent than trying to keep the kids quiet while he's having a 'nap' because he's so 'exhausted' all the bloody time.

[FloraSpreadableMacDonald]

Hi OP. I'm am currently going through exactly the same scenario. My DP is depressed, and has been diagnosed in the past. Our GP suspects he is bipolar. At home I felt like I was walking on eggshells, worrying about what sort of mood he would be in. He would have highs and lows. During his lows he would shut himself away. Yet he refused to seek medical help. I think it was a fear of admission to the medical profession and having it on his records tbh. Anyhow, life at home was intolerable for me and our dc. I had also become completely co-dependant on him, also due to my own anxieties. A vicious circle which I could see no way out.
About 6 weeks ago he made the decision to leave. I was devastated as I had this fear of being alone, all part of the codependency. I was struggling and my family and close friends rallied round. I have to say that having the space away from him has been the best thing to happen. My house is calmer, the dc have said that life at home is better. They still see their dad but his morose moods are now contained in his new house. Although he has been good with the children. This week for the first time ever we have been able to talk openly about what went wrong. He no longer blames me and he is taking medication. I think he was also having a mid life crisis and now realises that the grass isn't always greener living on your own away from your family. He misses our family life. I am now confident enough to say that his depression/crisis was the cause of our difficulties and he admits that too. I am by no means perfect but being an optimist, I always try to focus on the positive. Being apart has improved DPs ability to be more positive. I'm not saying we will reconcile, but I do know that we are now being open and honest and there is no misery, blame or bickering. Who knows what will happen in the future.
I wanted to tell my story to help you see how things could improve. I've discovered that no amount of telling him to seek help worked. He needed to see that for himself.
Good luck OP I really hope you find a solution as its not easy what you are going through.

[Leavenheath]

I always feel a bit uncomfortable when I see posts like yours Flora.

Mainly because over the years on MN, I've seen so many threads about depressed blokes who start blaming their wives and move out to get a bit of space- and it turns out they were seeing someone else. I'm not saying they weren't depressed to begin with - who knows? - but depressed people still have affairs, especially (as I understand it) those with bi polar.

Then, when the affair has fizzled out, they want to come back.

I agree with posters who say this behaviour doesn't have to have one sole cause. I guess it's easier to think a partner is ill and not deliberately causing this much misery.

But sometimes men like this aren't ill at all and even if they are, it doesn't mean they aren't capable of awful behaviour as well.

[probablyhadenough]

So many people in similar circumstances . This is my life too OP, startlingly similar. It is All My Fault (or our eldest child's) when actually I think DH is depressed. Yes he is also being an arse but it isn't true that the depressed are always able to see that fact - loss of insight into their behaviour is a symptom in itself.

I suspect that his life would not improve if I removed myself from the equation and our Relate counsellor seems to have a very good handle on what is going on. But is hard to for him (the counsellor) to get DH to take responsibility for his mental and physical health and to reflect on what is actually going on.

I think our problems stem from DH having pretty self absorbed parents (particularly mother). I suspect I was picked to do some decent mothering and now we have children of our own he doesn't get that - cue depression and blame.

[triathlonmum]

I've wondered about an affair. Have even asked (at least it would explain some of the unpleasant behaviour), he denies (but guess that would be the case). However, evidence with regard to energy levels and general motivation would suggest that an affair is unlikely. Who knows? Suspect if it is the case it would only come out later.

[RollerCola]

I think perhaps we try to excuse their behaviour by saying 'they must be depressed' because the alternative - (they're behaving like this because they're a selfish bastard) - is too hard to accept.

I hate to think that people behave badly just because that's the way they are. It just seems so sad. You'd do anything to change them because them being like that makes YOU unhappy.

But you eventually have to accept that that is just the way they are. They won't change just because you're unhappy. They will only change if they want to.

[FloraSpreadableMacDonald]

Leaven, I wrote from the heart, so wasn't meant to be uncomfortable. I'm suffering terribly too and just wanted to give my story. In my circumstances there is no affair. My DP was and is depressed but is i suspect having a midlife crisis also, as he said he was disatisfied with life. I agree that sometimes we can be too quick to blame the illness rather than accept that the behaviour was just unacceptable. My post is my story and I hoped by giving my experience it may help the OP.

[Leavenheath]

Yes love, I know you wrote from the heart.

One of the reasons I posted though was because I hate to see decent, good women manipulated. Time and time again I've seen women run themselves into the ground with sympathy for their depressed partners- and welcomed them back when they've worked through their 'midlife'- only to find that these blokes were messing around all along. I see you have certainty that's not the case with your DP, but keep an open mind eh? I don't see how it's possible to know for sure tbh. Good luck, love.

[FloraSpreadableMacDonald]

I agree that men can be very manipulative. I've escaped a relationship with a man like this in the past. And many posts on MN indicate affairs. But not all do, as in my case. My story is too personal to write here.
I hope OP you took what you could from my post. I'm not inviting my DP back any time soon, hard as it is to say no. I believe you need confidence to be in a place where you truly love yourself enough to say yes or no based on how you feel and not based on what he wants. Good luck.

[triathlonmum]

So he just picked my up from work (I walked in this morning so he could have car to take DCs out). He didn't even say hello when I got it, DC's happy and smiling and telling me about your day. Him sighing and wont even look at me. Me trying to be all cheerful and happy.

Then it comes out that arrangements for tomorrow - for me to go out in the evening - clash with when he 'intended' to play golf. I only asked him yesterday if it was ok if I went out and he said yes. He lost it in car, started shouting (in front of DCs) said that my arrangements always come first. This is despite the fact I'd made special arrangements with friends for tomorrow morning to have DCs so he could play golf while I was at work. It is his last day off work and I can understand he is frustrated but why take it out on me when he has messed up. Result - nervous children, tense atmosphere.... so so frequent nowadays. I can choose to back down (which he will take as his right and not be remotely grateful) or carry on with my plans as it was him that messed up after all.

What a way to live.

[RollerCola]

How often do you normally go out like this triathlon? And how often does he do things for himself?

Is it at all evenly spread? Who normally arranges childcare when one of you needs to do something? Does he ever take responsibility or does he just leave it to you?

[FloraSpreadableMacDonald]

OP, have reread your post. It does sound like he dissatisfied with life and grumpy rather than depressed. You say you feel better without him there and the dc are happier. I found the same. I agree with the poster above who said, tell him you will no longer put up with his behaviour or you will make other arrangements. It's hard to do and I wish I had done it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Traithlonmum.

This is no way to live at all is it?.

My guess is that when he is at work he is fine. You and the children cop all his barbs now. I would call him emotionally abusive and such men do not change.

Was wondering what you get out of this relationship now.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely it is better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.

You are not responsible for him at the end of the day.

Your children are seeing all this as well and are being affected by it; surely this is not the relationship role model you yourself want to impart to your children. What relationship lessons to them are being imparted here. Both of you are teaching them damaging lessons. On some level as well you are showing them this is currently acceptable treatment of you as both a wife and their mother.

[Treen44444]

He sounds very clinically depressed. Depression will make you want to hide away. There are no reasons for the depression so he will not know what will make him happy. From my experience is that if people want to talk about it or constantly ask 'how you are?'. You feel trapped and become short with people.he needs medical help and treatment. It depends if you want to stick with him through his illness or treatment. Or you should have a break till he is better and more stable.
He may find work an escape as no one will be aware of his depression

[RhondaJean]

He doesn't want to hide away though treen - he musts wants everything his own way (see the last post about the golf).

[Treen44444]

Rhonda - emotionally hide away or move away from feeling trapped or responsibilities. It's classic symptoms. Either get treatment, put up with it or leave.
I would seek treatment and if no effort to try and get better then leave. It can be difficult to live with people with this illness. The brain is the worst part of the body to get any illness, unfortunately

[RollerCola]

So do you think that, if treated with anti-depressants or whatever, these men would change into happy, caring people who then appreciate all the goodness that is around them - wife, kids etc and everyone can be happy again?

Sorry, don't mean to be flippant, but ime it's all just gone too far to go back now. To convince my h that he's ill and get him to a dr would in itself be a huge job for me - one which no doubt he wouldn't thank me for like everything else. I just don't have the strength to do it all myself.

[Dackyduddles]

I think sadly its very much a vote for


LTB

Deeply sorry. But this isn't living. Don't do this to the kids.

[probablyhadenough]

I know what you mean Rolla - I felt exactly the same. But you might be able to get him to go to joint relationship counselling (to sort out all the issues that you are to blame for ). And then if you get a good counsellor they will be able to shed some light on his behaviour - he might start to see that he needs to find better ways of dealing with his stress and his moods. That's what is happening here at least.

It is a very slow process but maybe worth it if you don't want to split. I thought I ought to try it at least - and I'm not saying that we will stay together and I am agree that this is self indulgent behaviour on his part (and the OP's h too) but.....