Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Weekend away with dh and another couple - I dont want to go...

35 replies

Lisavarna · 01/09/2013 09:42

My dh and i have had some ups and downs in our relationship this last few years.

Four years ago, it was my 40th birthday. We went away to a lovely hotel with another couple we are friends with. It was awful, we rowed most of the 3 hour drive to the place, i was in tears as we drove up to the hotel. I remember thinking what a waste of money it was to be spending a weekend away in a lovely hotel and yet spending most of it in a tense, horrid atmosphere, (when we were on our own) and then pretending in front of this other couple that everything was hunkydory.

Fast forward to present and my birthday is approaching again. Things had been quite good between us this last two years, but in the last 6months things have gone rapidly downhill. Dh has been under pressure at work and has been awful to live with, short tempered, tense, negative, critical, and very very selfish, taking himself off on a few golf trips and weekends away, four trips in a 2 month period before the summer. We have had a couple of massive rows, also over him binge drinking, which has always been a niggling problem in our marriage anyway.

Back in January a friend of his suggested he and dh take the wives away to Barcelona in October, as this mans wife's birthday is around same time as mine, and their wedding anniversary is also around that time, as is ours. Dh agreed and they booked the flights. This guy is a golfing mate of my dh and i am quite friendly with his wife. However, at this point in time, things are so bad between me and dh that i really really think we need to go away on our own and really reconnect and just learn how to be a couple again. I have gone away with this couple before, and what generally happens is the men spend more time together having a pint and talking golf, and this girl will spend all the time giving out to me about her husband and wanting to go on a massive shopping spree.

I just dont want to go on this weekend. That may sound spoilt and ungrateful, but after my 40th weekend a few years ago, i resolved never again to go away with another couple if we werent getting on, as it was a big waste of time and money, and would do nothing to improve our relationship as dh would just hang out with the bloke and we would have no time together.

I want to suggest to dh that we cut our losses on the flights (not v much as booked well in advance) and instead go away somewhere on our own. I know my dh deep down prefers to go away with other people as he likes the distraction and i think he finds me a bit dull because i dont like to drink as much as he does, but i really think that he should go with me on this one, as its our bloody marriage which is on the rocks, and more important than hanging out with friends who we can see any time at home as they live 5 mins away.

Is this unreasonable?

OP posts:

pebblepots · 01/09/2013 09:46

NO not u

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2013 09:48

Do you actually think that the two of you going away on your own will actually go anywhere near solving the underlying problems in your marriage?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why are you actually together at all given his episodes throughout your marriage of binge drinking, his sense of entitlement and general mean spiritedness?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2013 09:48

I would not bother with going away either with this man because all you'll end up doing is pretending to all those around you that you as a couple are fine.

somersethouse · 01/09/2013 09:52

YANU OP. I would not want to go either, I have done so in similar circumstances and there is a special kind of misery having to act happy all the time.

No - do not go.

Lovingfreedom · 01/09/2013 09:53

Why not go, find a way to spend a bit if time on your own and explore Barcelona. It's a lovely city and plenty to do. Take the other woman up in shopping spree in the old town then arrange for her to go off for a bit then meet up. She prob doesn't want to drag round a reluctant shopper any more than you want to be dragged. Meet up after a couple of hours for some cava or cocktails and spot of lunch.

maddy68 · 01/09/2013 09:54

I think it's probably easier going away with others as there are fewer opportunities to row.

It sounds like your husband is very stressed and needs the wind down which is building your resentment etc.

I would recommend relate. It seems to me that you communicate by arguing rather than communicating which will get you no where

VoiceOfRaisin · 01/09/2013 09:54

Sadly, it speaks volumes that you cannot look forward to a holiday with your DH (understandably). He seems to avoid you when he can and this holiday seems like another way to do so whilst appearing to be a "good" husband.

YANBU and I agree you should cancel. It is not clear what at all you would get from this break if the woman is not really a friend of yours and your DH will abandon you when you get there.

Perhaps this will make your DH wake up and smell the coffee. If he can't help resolve your relationship difficulties then, sadly, perhaps you would be happier without him anyway. That would be sad but less sad than spending the rest of your life feeling this way.

Oblomov · 01/09/2013 09:55

I can't see that you want to go with dh, or any other couple. How is going with dh going to help? you need to have some serious chats.
You don't like either of these women. Who do you like? Do you have women who are part of a couple, that you do like?

Hassled · 01/09/2013 09:56

I can see why you don't want to go, but I think you're really going to have to spell it out to your DH. Be blunt - we need quality time alone because our marriage is not in a good place. Don't give him wriggle-room.

LayMeDown · 01/09/2013 09:59

No you shouldn't go away with them. You are right you won't enjoy it and you'll be just doing it for everyone else. That's no way to live life.
However I think your problems are a lot more than can be fixed by going away alone. If you insist on going away the two of you I expect your H will spend his time sulking and blaming you for the fact he's not enjoying himself.
You could just accept this Barcelona trip for what it is, a weekend away with friends and not an attempt to save your marriage, but make it clear to H that something has to be done about your relationship. Whether that is time away or counselling or whatever. If you feel being away with others will be too unpleasant then tell him that and don't go but don't put all your hopes on fixing your issues with some time together, it sounds way deeper than that.

Lovingfreedom · 01/09/2013 10:00

You don't need to talk that specific weekend though. Cancelling the trip is not going to help the relationship get better is it?

Original poster

Lisavarna · 01/09/2013 10:07

Thanks for so many replies so quickly. Its interesting the variety of response.

I agree that there is a special sort of misery in putting on a front with others.

Its not that i dont like this girl, she is very nice, but i see her lots at home here, and we go for coffee from time to time, but we are not particularly close. She is not this issue, obviously. The issue is that my dh and i have not been away anywhere, on our own, in years. Whenever we have gone somewhere, my dh prefers to have some other couple coming along with us.

I feel like we have forgotten how to have fun together, how to be together, how to talk, really talk, to each other.

We went to relate a few years ago, it was of limited benefit, actually i think the counsellor was not at all good, but she is the only Relate counsellor in our area, (we live quite rural) and i dont see the point in going back to her, she never helped us resolve anything.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 01/09/2013 10:24

Wait - did I rightly understand that the husbands decided on this holiday and booked it without asking the wives first? No wonder both your marriages are a bit rocky...

Original poster

Lisavarna · 01/09/2013 10:55

Annie - Its a weekend away, and i think the idea was to present it to me on my birthday as a suprise gift type thing - nice thought i suppose, but yes, i'd rather be asked when there are other people involved. If it was a suprise and it was just for dh and me, i wouldnt mind that, but if he had actually asked me way back when booking if i wanted to go away with this couple i would probably have said, well no thanks, i'd rather we just went away ourselves for a weekend - he probably knows that.

We have had such a busy 6months, our lives are hectic, he works hard and plays hard, and we never spend any time just together having a chat and catching up with each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lisavarna · 01/09/2013 10:58

I dont think he actually wants to spend time with me on our own. I know a weekend away wouldnt magically fix our marriage but it would be a start, and just something nice for us to focus on together.

OP posts:

Doha · 01/09/2013 12:04

Don't go-it's your birthday so you should get to do what you want.

If he refuses wave him goodbye to spend time with the couple in Barcelona (nice spare wheel) and you book something nice for yourself and ? a friend you want to spend time with.
Perhaps a nice spa break or wee sunshine holiday. If he has had 4 breaks over the summer it is time for you to have some fun to with or without misery guts.
His reaction to this will tell you exactly how he views his relationship with you

Original poster

Lisavarna · 01/09/2013 14:17

Just had a discussion with him this morning, but he is very tired and hungover as we were out last night at a 40th birthday party. I told him how i felt, and we agreed to discuss it again later when we are less tired.(late night and up very early with the kids!) His initial reaction seems to be that we cant possibly cancel the trip now, as it would be letting the other couple down badly, (and i admit, i do feel bad about that too, but on the other hand, i think we need to prioritise our relationship at this stage) and also he thinks it "might be good craic" and we might end up enjoying ourselves, which i concede is possible, as its hard not to enjoy a nice break in a nice city, and maybe i should just take it for what it is, a break away from the kids and routine, a treat for me, and just expect nothing else from the weekend by way of me and dh, or making us closer, or improving our relationship. Just go away, enjoy this other couples company, and forget about trying to get on with dh.

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 01/09/2013 14:21

Well done for discussing it. I agree it would be quite awkward with the other couple to call off. How about setting aside one of the evenings when you do things as separate couples? Or a daytime then meet up for dinner?

Original poster

Lisavarna · 01/09/2013 14:29

Thanks LovingFreedom yes that is something we could do, i would have to make it clear to him that if we do this trip we allot some time alone to ourselves as a couple.

Pity I have to spell that out for him.

OP posts:

comingintomyown · 01/09/2013 15:06

You think your DH finds you dull and thats why he always wants to go away with other people?

I think thats really sad

I dont know about the Barcelona trip , I think you have more to worry about than that

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 01/09/2013 15:13

YANBU, but it might be a bit of a shame to cancel the trip and let your friends down. I'd say go, but make sure that the two of you go off on your own occasionally to have some quality time. Holidays don't save marriages anyway and you need a good frank conversation when you get home.

Explain to DH that the next holiday will NOT be a couples holiday. I'd be bloody livid if mine booked something without even asking me!

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 01/09/2013 15:14

Oops sorry double post there.

TheSecondComing · 01/09/2013 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

comingintomyown · 01/09/2013 15:20

Lisavarna said in her OP that she felt her DH chooses to go away with other people because he finds her dull as she doesnt drink as much as him.

That was what I based my post on TheSecondComing

Original poster

Lisavarna · 01/09/2013 17:41

Coming that is right, he just doesnt want to go away with me on my own because i enjoy a few drinks, but dont like getting plastered, and he does, so he chooses couples with whom we (he!) can do that with.

TheSecondComing i have no problem with going away with another couple in principle, its just that in our case, dh never wants to go away with just me, he is always too busy at work to be free for such a weekend, yet if a golfing buddy or piss up mate suggests a few nights away with the wives, the dh is readily up for it and available.

I dont want to paint it that dh does nothing but drink when away, he loves to try out the local food, and likes shopping too, but drinks are a big part of his idea of a good weekend away. Once when i was 8 months pregnant with dc4, we were on a weekend in Rome with a group of friends. We had been out every night till 12 or one-ish, i wasnt drinking obviously but all the rest of the gang were. On the last night, i wanted to head back to the hotel to bed around midnight, we had to be up early for flight the next day. He didnt want to go, but i was so tired after 4 full on days, and i didnt want to walk back on my own to the hotel.

He was a bit shitty to me in front of our friends about leaving, making me out to be party pooper, etc. We got back to the hotel, and he didnt speak to me getting ready for bed, nor the whole way home the next day.

This is why, coupled with my 40th birthday experience, that i dont feel very enthused about going away with this couple at this point in time, when we arent even getting on anyway.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2