Weekend away with dh and another couple - I dont want to go...

[Lisavarna]

My dh and i have had some ups and downs in our relationship this last few years.

Four years ago, it was my 40th birthday. We went away to a lovely hotel with another couple we are friends with. It was awful, we rowed most of the 3 hour drive to the place, i was in tears as we drove up to the hotel. I remember thinking what a waste of money it was to be spending a weekend away in a lovely hotel and yet spending most of it in a tense, horrid atmosphere, (when we were on our own) and then pretending in front of this other couple that everything was hunkydory.

Fast forward to present and my birthday is approaching again. Things had been quite good between us this last two years, but in the last 6months things have gone rapidly downhill. Dh has been under pressure at work and has been awful to live with, short tempered, tense, negative, critical, and very very selfish, taking himself off on a few golf trips and weekends away, four trips in a 2 month period before the summer. We have had a couple of massive rows, also over him binge drinking, which has always been a niggling problem in our marriage anyway.

Back in January a friend of his suggested he and dh take the wives away to Barcelona in October, as this mans wife's birthday is around same time as mine, and their wedding anniversary is also around that time, as is ours. Dh agreed and they booked the flights. This guy is a golfing mate of my dh and i am quite friendly with his wife. However, at this point in time, things are so bad between me and dh that i really really think we need to go away on our own and really reconnect and just learn how to be a couple again. I have gone away with this couple before, and what generally happens is the men spend more time together having a pint and talking golf, and this girl will spend all the time giving out to me about her husband and wanting to go on a massive shopping spree.

I just dont want to go on this weekend. That may sound spoilt and ungrateful, but after my 40th weekend a few years ago, i resolved never again to go away with another couple if we werent getting on, as it was a big waste of time and money, and would do nothing to improve our relationship as dh would just hang out with the bloke and we would have no time together.

I want to suggest to dh that we cut our losses on the flights (not v much as booked well in advance) and instead go away somewhere on our own. I know my dh deep down prefers to go away with other people as he likes the distraction and i think he finds me a bit dull because i dont like to drink as much as he does, but i really think that he should go with me on this one, as its our bloody marriage which is on the rocks, and more important than hanging out with friends who we can see any time at home as they live 5 mins away.

Is this unreasonable?

Do you think that all his friends are actually his drinking buddies and are like him i.e boorish and entitled?. He does not seem able to do any social occasion without alcohol in some form being involved.

What do your children think of him I wonder - and of yourself for putting up with this from your H?.

Attila the kids adore him. They are not aware of any of this. Yet.

That will change i guess as they start to grow older and more aware of things.

If he doesn't want to spend time alone with you, does that not tell you something?

My DH and I love being away on our own together. We are very sociable, but it's lovely to just be the two of us.

Yes it does tell me something Almostfifty, something very, very depressing.

I feel for you, OP, completely understand the sense of dread about the trip, but it is a bit awkward re the other couple. Can you feign illness the night before? I must admit I am not warming to your husband, particularly following the sulking incident on your holiday when you were heavily pregnant.

Manchild springs to mind. Not sure what you should do, OP, but you deffo need to start thinking about your own needs.

Thanks Handywoman that is so kind. .

Yes, if i do go on this trip, it will be largely due to a reluctance to let the other couple down, i know this girl well enough to know that she will be really disappointed, she loves having girl company on weekends away to shop with!

I have lately started to realise that i have not thought about my own needs in a long long time. I think that my dh is a very selfish man. And yes, when i remember incidents such as Rome, i feel a surge of anger that he could treat me that way.

It cannot be healthy to still feel that anger 7 years after the event, but i suspect i would still be angry about it if he had redeemed things since then and started being nicer and kinder to me.

Which he hasnt.

i wouldnt still be angry that should be

I think we are going to discuss it again tonight...dreading it.

I'd say that going away with someone who likes to get bladdered is about thé WORST kind of hell tbh! HE'S the boring one!

Go on this trip, get out of it what YOU want and then decide what you'll do in the future.

I think you have problems WAY larger than you're seeing here.

NONE of them are your fault btw!

He sounds utterly committed to his lifestyle - heavy drinking with bloke-mates, doing his own thing, his golf trips and his own weekends away.

Have you been able to do anything just for you? Has he done anything just for you?

If he doesn't change (and realistically he doesn't seem to want to), can you live with this for the next 10 or 20 years? Do you want to grow old with him living like this?