WIBU to email PiLs about DPs behaviour?

[AdamantEve]

In a nutshell, DP binge drinks 1/2 times per week. Roughly once per month he has so much he vomits - on himself/ in taxis/ in bed/ on settee - wherever.

Last night he vomited in bedroom carpet while our 2 year old was in the room. It's the first time it's happened in front of our children.

I'm tired of constant promises it will stop and the apologies are getting thinner and thinner as the years go by.

So in a fit of anger, I emailed his parents at 2am to tell him how disgusting their son was and that I was out of ideas how to get through to him.

They've sent an understanding response and apparently are glad I told them and will have a word.

But really, should I have dragged other people into our relationship issues? And especially told his parents, like he's a child?

I was just so fed up of pretending to everyone everything's ok.

Was I unreasonable to email them (I think I may have been) and should I pre warn DP (he'll be pissed off but to be fair, I'm bloody pissed off at him)?

Insanity I'm pleased to hear a good outcome!

When he's out I've often asked him to stay elsewhere but he doesn't and at the risk of sounding pathetic, how do you make someone leave their own home if they refuse?

I can't go anywhere with the children except a hotel or B&B and we don't really have the spare money for that so I never know what to do for the best really. I feel a bit defeatist writing these last two paragraphs but its easy to say to do things, putting them into practise is not always a straightforward.

This really ought to be in relationships as well rather than AIBU.

Who clears up his sick post each binge - I sincerely hope that you do not do this. If you do that is enabling him.

This is all part of the ongoing cycle; now he won't drink much for a few weeks then the sorry cycle starts up again. Its a continuous cycle of abusing alcohol and you're stuck in it as well in as in co-dependency and enabler to him. Alcohol as well is truly a cruel mistress.

You also come across as his enabler as well, a state that neither helps him or you for that matter as that gives you only a false sense of control.

What is your idea of an alcoholic; not all of them by any means sit on park benches with paper bags. Some of them actually do binge drink like your partner is doing; he does not have the off switch and never has done. Drinking till he vomits is clearly not "normal social drinking" or drinking even like a teenager - you're way off beam there. Denial is also a powerful force and pound to a penny your man is also badly underestimating how much he is actually drinking.

His parents cannot do anything about their son's alcoholism either. The 3cs re alcoholism are prescient here - you did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.

What you have tried to date has not worked and is not working out for you. Your children also won't thank you for remaining with such an individual should you choose to. Yes you have a choice, your children do not. This is not going to get any better for you or your children.

Only he can take responsibility for his alcohol dependency and you cannot and must not do that for him.

Al-anon would be helpful for you to contact and they won't judge you either.

You have my sympathies, OP (been there, done that). Don't listen to the naysayers - they don't know what they would do in your desperate situation and have no right to say you did the 'wrong' thing.

I hope it all works out well for you.

Iactuallydothinkso that's awful. I don't have a great relationship with my PiLs, they irritate me no end to be honest, but I knew they would be on my side with this, so to speak, and I'm grateful to them for that.

It felt like a relief to share it, I don't want to tell my friends or my mum, as we as a couple present such a happy front (and we are except for this one big issue) that it would have felt like, I don't know - it was all a big lie or a failure and they'd always see the bad side before the good after that.

You may or may not be aware that alcoholism can be learnt; your man learnt to drink from his Dad. It took his Dad many years to become dry.

There are no guarantees re alcoholism; your man may go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards.

Does he work?. If so his job may ultimately be at risk as well.

I would look into moving out, at least then your two year old will be further spared the sight of his Dad throwing up on the carpet following a binge.

OP, you said i'm tired of constant promises it will stop and the apologies are getting thinner and thinner as the years go by.

My DH has a problem regarding alcohol.

I say has because although he is in control of it now, we both know, and he freely admits, that it's not something that ever totally goes away, and he needs to keep an eye on himself.

At his worst he would get very drunk once a week at home and would have to have a certain amount of alcohol stored in the house before he could be comfortable. He would be unpredictable when out at events with alcohol available. He would continue to drink downstairs after i had stopped and gone to bed sometimes, and come up steaming and confused.

Not drinking during the week. Not being sick or abusive in front of his step kids. But yes to blundering round the house at night sometimes and being verbally abusive to me in our room more than once and then not remembering in the morning.

We never got professional help, but as he got to his worst i told him we'd split up over it. And i meant it. Luckily/thankfully/whatever it seemed to sink in.

That was 3 years ago. Now he can have one or two drinks socially and stop. Happily. Or he can be designated driver and have none. When he drinks at home on a Saturday he gets 'merry' (5/6 cans beer) and we go up to bed by 10 or 11. He is happy and relieved that he has been able to get a grip. He is 34.

Best of luck with this OP. I've told you our story in case it helps. Everyone is different though.

I have been here, done it and bought the T-Shirt. Drinking like this is not normal, not knowing when to stop is having a problem with alcohol.
Sadly for me for a variety of reasons it ended badly and I' m now a single parent. The final thing that brought Ex up short and at least tempered his drinking (I don't think it's under control) was the threat of loosing his job and no longer getting contact with DD in the same week.
I don't have an answer for you, but hope you find a way to sort it out.

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy, I thought as well that hardly anybody knew about his drink problem. Do start talking to people about his alcoholism. His parents do not sound like they will help, infact they are probably only glad that he is not their problem any more.

Your man being alcohol dependent is nothing to do with you as a person. He has just chosen drink before everything and everyone else, its his primary relationship.

Al-anon is indeed a good place for you to start.

It wasn't easy at the time Adamant but I couldn't bring up my child around someone who got so drunk he nearly set fire to the house cooking when incapable.I made him stay away a year, pil's were supportive of me and said he could stay there if he was sober. Once he'd done a year sober he moved back. He's never since had a drink and I don't drink but at Christmas we have alcohol in for family and friends and he has never touched it. I gave him the one chance, had he blown it I would have divorced him and he knew that.

Alcoholism in a relationship is like trying to ride a broken bicycle; you can tinker with it but sooner or later the wheels come off again. Its not your fault that this relationship is at its heart broken.

Attila you make some interesting points.

Firstly, I most certainly do not clean up after him, never have and never will.
Can I ask what you mean by me enabling him? Do you mean by not giving an ultimatum I allow it to continue? I don't know if even if I leave it would make any difference as he was like this before we met and would more than likely be like this if we separate. So in that respect does it still mean I am enabling him (don't mean to sound defensive, am curious as not much knowledge in this area)

I consider an alcoholic to be someone alcohol dependent.
I consider binge drinking to be an alcohol-issue.
Clearly my DP has issues with alcohol and doesn't consume it normally. But I don't think he is an alcoholic by definition.

OP - before i was in a relationship with DH i would have said the same - I consider an alcoholic to be someone alcohol dependent.

Having gone through what i did with DH, i now consider anyone with whom their relationship with drink causes any problems, any time, and alcoholic.

The definition doesn't really matter.

He needs to change for you to be happy. He either will or wont do that. attila is spot on.

Good re not clearing up after him. If you did, that would be an example of enabling behaviour. Any cleaning up after him on your part would be absolving him of the consequences of his actions.

An ultimatum can only be issued once and must be followed through. Repeated ultimatums lose all their power.

As I suspected as well he was drinking like this before you met. Unfortunately as you are coming to realise, you cannot change such ingrained patterns, also this man had an alcoholic Dad and saw drinking throughout his own childhood.

As I also stated there are no guarantees re alcoholism. Your man could go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards. Your man is dependent on binge drinking and his drinking is problematic to you, you are clearly affected by his drinking and your child is now seeing it as well. Whether you wish to call him an alcoholic or something else is not really the point. His drinking is a problem to you regardless and will continue to be so.

You are unhappy with his drinking and what you have tried to date has not worked. Time for a different tack now along with you talking to Al-anon.

Dh's mum was an alcoholic when he was a child although she had stopped drinking by the time we met. I don't think dh knew how to drink socially he just echoed what he had seen in his mother drinking until he was incapable. I think not wanting his child/ children to experience similar was a huge motivation for him. Thankfully our children seem to have a more healthy relationship with alcohol although think we're a bit odd for being teetotal but then they think we're a bit odd for other reasons too I suppose.

YANBU. Hopefully it will shame him into doing something.

It's common when people have a problem like this for their partners to act as 'enablers'. Clearing up the sick, making excuses to work for no shows, hiding it from other family members, friends and colleagues.

I think by taking this step you may have taken a step towards him taking responsibility.

You are right, I do have grown-up children and I am lucky that I have never had an alcoholic to deal with in my family. Especially as , for some reason, I really can't cope with drunks in any form, even social drunks. I hate it - loathed my children coming home drunk after clubbing. So I admit I'm biased.
But your DH really does have a problem. If he didn't he could stop. But if he drinks to incapability level on a regular basis then he will be, if not yet, an alcoholic.
You might think you're not be able to make him leave, but I'd make sure all the doors were locked so that he couldn't get in after a binge. You don't need a drunk in the house when you have DCs. And I would be tempted to have his belongings in bin bags waiting for him too. He needs to know you won't put up with it.

Please get in touch with Al-Anon. They're the best people to help you,

I don't blame you for doing what you did. Yanbu. However, don't expect it to change anything. My mother was in a similar situation and when things started to spiral we asked a family member my father listened to to step in and try. It didn't work.

I really hope the outcome is different for you.

I think if you knew you could get support from your in laws, then it was fine for you to email them. They are your family too, therefore you should be able to turn to them for support when you need it.

I don't think you can expect your DP to change though. He's had his chances to stop drinking to excess and he's choosing not to. That's up to him. All you can do is change your reaction to it. You either stay with him and accept it, or you decide you don't want it in your life and you leave.

Well he's awake and read the email I sent. Called me pathetic and said if he's that hard to live with I should leave as he doesn't care an that his parents will now think I'm a weirdo like 'everyone' else does.

Was all apologies beforehand. True colours and all that...
Probably still drunk but even so, don't know where we'll go from here.

He's being an arse because he's ashamed of himself. He could deal with embarrassment in front of you, but it's probably new embarrassment for him in front of his parents, so he's attacking you be ause he has no other way to defend himself.

Your DP has issues probably very much to do with his upbringing. He will probably deny it, but it is hugely relevant that his dad was a drinker.

Matbe dad can start to put things right by his family by being his son's number one supporter in tackling the binge drinking.

Of course your DP has to be motivated and supported to change. Your role in this is not to try to solve it for him but to be clear about what you deem unacceptable and to stick to that.

Hello OP
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this to our relationships topic
Thanks
MNHQ

Well you have your answer

Planning your exit carefully might be better than flouncing out iyswim

Womens Aid are fab

Hi op, my mum is an alcoholic, I've spent many many years watching her getting beyond mortalled at family events, in town, at Sunday lunch and at home on an evening. I can think of at least 3 of her "relationships" that have been damaged by alcohol. Including the one with me and my kids.

She ruined my dd2s naming blessing by turning up Hung over, she has called my brother some horrific homophobic names over the years, she has attempted to turn up to the hospital when my gran was admitted smashed off her face. She's thrown up everywhere and had fights with people. She's been arrested twice that I know of, both times beyond lucky to receive a caution... This is just in the last 5 years.

I spent a few years in my teens with a very unhealthy attitude to drink. I used to get myself into the same messes as her. I only drank to get totalled and if I didn't, well, it was a shit night out. I don't remember big chunks of my teens cause I was pissed up.

My brother is the same. 2 years ago he had to have liver tests so he only drinks on rare nights out. He gets mortalled but stays out as per his agreement with his wife.

I don't ever just have one glass/one bottle. I just don't stop.

I really hope something cam get through to your dh... This could be your ds's post in 20 yrs time. :(

out of interest, what would you do?

Is start by contacting AA for some information/ support.

I'd accept that I'm in a relationship with an alcoholic.

I'd stop minimising his behaviour (it's "normal" social drinking, he's like a teenager, he can go for weeks without drinking).

I'd have a good think about whether this is a relationship I want my child to see as a blueprint for their own future. You said his FIL is an alcoholic.

I'd tell him if our child ever witnessed a repeat of this latest episode I will leave, and I'd mean it.

I'd give him the opportunity to seek some help for himself and if he didn't want to, then I'd start making plans to leave - whether that's getting a job to make myself financially independent, finding somewhere else to live or stay... Whatever it entailed.

I know people say you don't know what you'd to unless you're in the situation. Well I know this is exactly what I'd do.