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Original poster

Husband just walked out

37 replies

darthisnotmydad · 31/08/2013 12:41

Hi, I am an extremely infrequent poster but long time lurker. I have de-lurked because I need some real advice, I dont know what to do.
My husband has just walked out on me, he has taken a suitcase full of clothes and left crying.
The reason for this - well its my fault I guess. We have money troubles, particularly on his side, lots of debt built up from before I met him, and he has been stressing about that recently as we were trying to hire a car to go away for a while in the UK.
He has found out that I have a £10k loan that I am paying off happily but that I never told him about. I got it specifically so we could move in together and pay for the lovely house we live in, and the furniture we have, and the clothes and toys our daughter has, but he is extremely upset (cue shouting, arguments, me saying we should maybe have a break and him walking out with a huge suitcase and leaving me his wedding ring).
I think I understand that I was in the wrong to not tell him about the loan, but I didnt want to trouble him seeing as how he already has so many money worries. Like I said, I am happy paying it off each month from my own earnings.
I have trust issues, he has looked at a lot of hardcore porn in the past and I have caught him on AdultWork and Local Slags... Though he insists that the Slags one was a pop up. Still, I am pretty sure he hasn't cheated on me but it just made my trust in him even worse, and I kept reiterating to him that trust wasn't automatic, it was earned. Now it looks like I have thrown all that in his face only to lie to him. I know this is probably an AIBU but its my relationship... I don't know how to fix this and I am scared of being alone and coping alone...
I do love him.

OP posts:
SPBisResisting · 31/08/2013 12:43

Shit I'm so sorry. Sounds like you've both behaved badly but IMO he was worse.
How long have you been together and do you have any children?

SPBisResisting · 31/08/2013 12:45

Sorry just seenyou mention "our daughter"

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 31/08/2013 12:48

First of all, I'm so sorry, you poor thing.

IMHO, keeping a loan to yourself out of consideration for your DH is a lot different to him looking at porn and you not trusting him 100% (you said 'I don't think he's cheated)

I don't think you've done anything wrong and he's completely overreacting.

Original poster
darthisnotmydad · 31/08/2013 12:50

I think your right, we have both behaved in the wrong way. Yes we have a daughter, she is just 19m, he was crying as he said goodbye to her. He is in such a stew that I find it impossible to talk to him, he refuses to interact with me and have a conversation when he's this cross.
I am crying now thinking that he has left us and I might not be able to sort this out.
He has behaved stupidly in the past with the porn, the dodgy sites like AdultWork which he paid to use whilst I was heavily pregnant as I noticed it on his bank statement. My trust has increased since we got married, or maybe I have stopped caring so much.
I don't know how to make this work, and how to say that I'm sorry. He was shouting at me and looking at me in such a hostile way, I couldn't make the words come out like I have above. I said I only got the loan to pay for the things we have and I am paying it back from my own earnings, topping it up when I get a little bonus. I can't say why I decided not to tell him, or that I really decided it. I just didn't want to stress him out and it would have taken such a long time for us to save for this house and our stuff in it. Am I a complete fool?

OP posts:
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 31/08/2013 12:51

Sorry, posted too soon!

Has this literally just happened today?

My advice would be to wait a few hours, or even the rest of the day if you can handle it, to give you both a chance to cool off. Then call him and meet in a neutral setting, coffee shop etc, and have a proper in depth chat.

You say you do love him, but the way you say it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself.... I'm so sorry if this is not the case but its the way I read it.

skyeskyeskye · 31/08/2013 12:51

It is very wrong to take out a loan and hide it from him. i would have gone mental if my XH had done that, as debt issues were always a problem in our relationship.

this is a knee jerk reaction for both of you, you said leave, he went.

what do you want to happen next? Do you want to fix things? Do you want him to come home?

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 31/08/2013 12:53

X post with your reply.

I'm still not quite sure why he's so angry about it. Sure, it's a huge amount of money but if you're paying it off and it's not affecting your other debts, then I can understand an argument about it. Walking out on you because of it? Unnecessary.

FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 12:54

I suspect the loan is a smokescreen and that he's really leaving for someone else, or because he wants the freedom to pursue these revolting sex hook-ups. I'm surprised you stayed with him after that frankly. Men who use sites like that hate women.

You had a responsibility to tell him about the loan because in marriage, some debts carry a joint liability. However, I seriously doubt this is the issue and that it's a convenient way for him to pass the blame on to you for his sexual incontinence.

Original poster
darthisnotmydad · 31/08/2013 13:08

I do love him, I feel quite safe and happy and sometimes look at my wedding ring and think how happy I am to have such a caring man as my husband. He is such a good father and we have a lot of fun together. We both have an immature sense of humour. But I am ten years younger and tho I am in my mid-20's, he thinks I am still quite immature in the way I act because I am obstinate and stubborn and don't like to admit I am wrong... I know these are big failings and I do try to overcome them.
Please Francesca, dont say such a thing. I feel he has got a lot better since our wedding, and I haven't felt the need to look through his phone or laptop history since then. I dont think he is sexually incontinent... there are other personal issues going on. I feel he wouldnt actually cheat on me, just like to peruse what could be. I dont know if I am explaining it

OP posts:
SPBisResisting · 31/08/2013 13:12

You know him best OP. Do you have any friends who can come round and be with you. And what. btw, do they think of him.
Can I just check - were you scared of telling him about the loan?

FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 13:16

Adultwork is a site used by men who pay for sex.

This is totally iniquitous with someone being a 'caring man'.

He is a man in his mid-thirties who thinks it's okay to pay women for sex or sexual services.

And now he has walked out on you rather than face up to the issues.

Yet you think you're the one who is immature and have terrible failings.

What a shame you feel that way. What a terrible way for a young woman to think. I'm genuinely sorry that you think so highly of this horrible man.

yellowballoons · 31/08/2013 13:16

I think you will be able to work this out and work through it.
You seem quite emotionally switched on.

He is in shock and upset. He will calm down at some point, then you both have some talking to do.

yellowballoons · 31/08/2013 13:17

Disclaimer. I know nothing about the porn side of your post.

Original poster
darthisnotmydad · 31/08/2013 13:22

Thank you yellow, I do want to sort this out. When he walked out, I did think "do I love him, am I in love with him, is he my soul mate?". I dont know if I believe in soul mates but he is certainly my partner and I want him to be my partner in life for a long time.
Yes I was scared of telling him about the loan I suppose. I was mainly worried about stressing him out, but he knows we didn't have the money to afford the house and the stuff, so where does he think the money came from?! A little money fairy maybe.
Sometimes, like earlier, I am scared of telling him things. He is a big strong guy but I am 100% sure he wouldn't hurt me

OP posts:
mouseymummy · 31/08/2013 13:26

I know what you mean about the no deciding re the loan. It just made sense at the time to not say anything, yes? I've been there (although a different thing) and I just didn't see why I should tell my h about it. It wasn't something I couldn't handle on my own and he would have only said no/gone off at me/not understood. Does that sound about right?

I think you need to give him time to cool off and calm down. Can you go to your parents or a friends and get them to look after you and dd for a couple of hours then call and meet some where neutral like suggested above?

I know you say you feel like you can trust him again but my advice would be to just double check bank statements or if he has left his laptop, check that. The reason I say this is, he has form for stuff like the chat sites etc. Plus, if it was me, I'd want to stay and work out my marriage. Not just pack a bag and go over an argument that could easily be resolved by calming the situation and talking it through. That's just me though and I understand you not wanting to do that.

mouseymummy · 31/08/2013 13:30

X post... Feel free to ignore my post...

TheSilverySoothsayer · 31/08/2013 13:33

You told him that trust isn't automatic, it has to be earned. Given his poor track record over money, then not telling him about the loan seems a reasonable witholding of trust to me. At least until you were sure his debts were paid off, and that he was trustworthy with respect to money.

Because some cocklodgers men would have greeted the news as one way of borrowing more, by getting you to extend your loan.

Horrible thought, but do you think he might be regretting what he could have done with 10K?

Original poster
darthisnotmydad · 31/08/2013 13:34

Thank you mousey, you have worded it perfectly, that's exactly it. I thought that it was my problem, I can handle it and pay for it and it is my money anyway (the spare cash left for me to use after I have put money in the bills account). And then the time never seemed to be right for saying anything, what would I say anyway? 'I have had a loan for a while to pay for our nice house and nice furniture and nice toys and clothes and baby essentials, and I didnt tell you because I thought you'd overreact and go over the top". It seemed to never be the right timing.
I think he has thrown it in my face because he says I can't trust him and that he doesn't tell me enough. For example, him going to do some private work for a friend and he doesn't think to tell me about it because I would be at work. But I still want to know and for him to share things with me because that is what people do in a bloody marriage! In any bloody relationship actually. Sorry I am getting ranty and wound up about things not pertinent to the current situation.
He basically said he feels completely betrayed and that I have now destroyed his trust in me.

OP posts:
Original poster
darthisnotmydad · 31/08/2013 13:35

Silvery that is entirely possible I suppose, he could have used it to pay off his own debts instead of going down the debt aid route. Or spent it on other things. Cars for example

OP posts:
Original poster
darthisnotmydad · 31/08/2013 13:48

I do have a question actually.. How long should I leave it before tracking him down and asking him to come back? I was thinking Monday but is that too long?! I wanted to give him a lot of space to think though he may well go out and drink through any useful thoughts

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 31/08/2013 13:53

I wouldn't be asking this man back in a hurry.

It sounds like he treats you like shit.

The fact that you put yourself in debt to cover essentials for your household and child and is crazy.

That you did that because you were afraid of his reaction if you were honest about the financial restrictions you both faced says a lot about the dysfunction in your relationship.

Doha · 31/08/2013 15:20

No don't ask him to come back--let him do the asking and then you can decide in the cold light of day when you have had time to think about it if you actually want him back.
Let him sweat-where do you think he has gone?

mouseymummy · 31/08/2013 15:42

Darth, I wouldn't ask him to come back tbh. Let him stew, he's thrown the fact that you have genuine reasons not to trust him (ie the porn/sex sites) back in your face and is trying to make you feel bad for feeling that way.

My advice on him coming home would be to contact him next weekend and suggest him coming over to see your dd and so you can discuss arrangements for access and maintenance etc.

If he contacts you in the week just remind yourself that although you asked him to go, he was the one who.chose to pack up and go. He chose not to fight for this...

littlebunnyfriend · 31/08/2013 15:55

I'm sorry but this is a typical case where the response would be 100% different if a woman came on here and said her husband had taken out a 10k loan without telling her (and then presumably lied about where the stuff had come from - or lied by omission).

This was totally wrong, and you need to face up to that and not let people tell you that it's understandable. It doesn't matter what he's done in the past or what you have done, nothing else justifies bad behaviour. It doesn't matter that you paid for things for the house - if you couldn't afford 'nice things' then you should have been working towards saving up for them together (or making the decision to get a loan together). I can totally understand his reaction and would have reacted exactly the same if you were my partner.

You also say he 'found out' about this, so he has been through the humiliation of having to discover something that you have been keeping from him.

You can't drag previous misdemeanours (such as the porn thing) into this as that was the past, and you have chosen to stay with him and move on.

If you want him back, you need to realise that what you did was really wrong and you need to show him that you understand that, and find a way to move forward with financial transparency.

FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 16:18

Paying for sex or sexual services is not a 'porn thing'. There seems to be some confusion on this thread about the site referred to and its primary purpose.

Not everyone glossed over the loan either, or found excuses for it.

Although a startling number are minimising the OP's husband's prostitution activities and penchant for the revoltingly named 'local slags' sites.

Including the OP, sadly.

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