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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband just walked out

37 replies

darthisnotmydad · 31/08/2013 12:41

Hi, I am an extremely infrequent poster but long time lurker. I have de-lurked because I need some real advice, I dont know what to do.
My husband has just walked out on me, he has taken a suitcase full of clothes and left crying.
The reason for this - well its my fault I guess. We have money troubles, particularly on his side, lots of debt built up from before I met him, and he has been stressing about that recently as we were trying to hire a car to go away for a while in the UK.
He has found out that I have a £10k loan that I am paying off happily but that I never told him about. I got it specifically so we could move in together and pay for the lovely house we live in, and the furniture we have, and the clothes and toys our daughter has, but he is extremely upset (cue shouting, arguments, me saying we should maybe have a break and him walking out with a huge suitcase and leaving me his wedding ring).
I think I understand that I was in the wrong to not tell him about the loan, but I didnt want to trouble him seeing as how he already has so many money worries. Like I said, I am happy paying it off each month from my own earnings.
I have trust issues, he has looked at a lot of hardcore porn in the past and I have caught him on AdultWork and Local Slags... Though he insists that the Slags one was a pop up. Still, I am pretty sure he hasn't cheated on me but it just made my trust in him even worse, and I kept reiterating to him that trust wasn't automatic, it was earned. Now it looks like I have thrown all that in his face only to lie to him. I know this is probably an AIBU but its my relationship... I don't know how to fix this and I am scared of being alone and coping alone...
I do love him.

OP posts:
headlesslambrini · 31/08/2013 16:27

FWIW I think he is acting like a oversized toddler. My money is on him crawling back before Monday once he has realised that sofa surfing or hotels are not that much fun. Do you know where he is?

Original poster
darthisnotmydad · 31/08/2013 16:40

No I don't know where he is staying tonight, he's working until 7 so I know where he is until then. I wonder if I should go down there and speak to him. But I have no idea where he is planning on staying, it won't be a hotel tho. I know now that I have done the wrong thing but it was done with good intentions, not maliciously keeping it from him

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 31/08/2013 16:58

I expect he will be back

I agree with bunnyfriend as well the two issues arent connected and whatever your intentions 10k is a huge sum of money

skyeskyeskye · 31/08/2013 17:02

we are not discussing the porn thing, because it is not the question in hand and the OP herself has said it was in the past, she just mentioned it because of the trust issue.

As others have posted, if a woman came on and posted that her H had a £10K loan (as one actually did recently), the advice would be to kick him out, so that advice should be the same, no matter if the poster is male or female.....

You do need to sit down and talk with your H and as littlebunny says, both of you need to be transparent about everything

FrancescaBell · 31/08/2013 17:09

It isn't a porn thing. It's a paying for sex and sexual services thing.

Speak for yourself Skye

I wouldn't have said 'kick him out' if a woman told us her husband had taken out a secret £10K loan to pay for household items and essentials for his children.

Particularly if the woman had form for paying for sex out of the family budget when her partner was incapacitated and lied by omission about 'private jobs' she was doing while he was working.

skyeskyeskye · 31/08/2013 17:13

Francesca - I do not want an argument on somebody elses thread - the OP herself asked you not to make these comments and you are ignoring her.

Please show her some respect.

ofmiceandmen · 31/08/2013 17:43

Aside from the loan vs porn/prostitute issue...

OP asked her H to leave. He left.

He didn't just walk out.

OP moving away from the who is worse in this argument and breaking it down into simple bite size elements- you have asked your H to leave so really the conversation has to now be led by you. the balls in your court, remove all/any pride and just think about what is best for you.

If you want him back - call him, but decide what the parameters are and how to work through the issues you clearly have with the past.
Because although you think you have overcome his past indiscretions you are still obviously struggling with them.

Likewise he will have to ask that you put certain things in place to ensure transparency.

Without Trust there can be no love. (mooshy ergh) and he is now for the first time discovering how it feels to be on the receiving end of a lie. It hurts like sh*t.

So understand that you are both feeling the same thing.

You think what was lacking in me for him to need to use those sites, and he's thinking - what was lacking in him for you to fail to share such a big thing.

Start anew if you want it to work. today is where the sh*t stops. draw a line but it takes both parties to learn to forgive (never forget).

Good luck (I really must be getting soft in my old age)

ofmiceandmen · 31/08/2013 17:48

For what it's worth prostitutes trumps loans, you win the battle!

but is it really the war? or is a long term happy fulfilling relationship what you want at the end of all this.

It may not be with him, but only you can decide that. Thats where the war is.

Cabrinha · 31/08/2013 19:07

He sleeps with prostitutes. Fuck him. Let him walk
He thinks he can have a go at you over your loan, when he risks giving you serious and fatal diseases. Get rid.

yellowballoons · 31/08/2013 19:18

We dont know if this man actually has slept with a prostitute do we?

Isetan · 01/09/2013 01:23

You both sound like a right pair of drama llamas. You asked him to leave, yes he was very dramatic about it but it didn't happen spontaneously without warning.

"For example, him going to do some private work for a friend and he doesn't think to tell me about it because I would be at work. But I still want to know and for him to share things with me because that is what people do in a bloody marriage! In any bloody relationship actually'. Transparency is a two way street, he has just as much right to expect transparency from you, as you him. The reason you didn't tell him is very simple, he would have objected and to guarantee you got your own way, you kept your mouth shut. This is the same reasoning he used for signing up on the shag sites.

In addition, you don't sound very remorseful, you're still justifying your behaviour. I thought that it was my problem, I can handle it and pay for it and it is my money anyway (the spare cash left for me to use after I have put money in the bills account). And then the time never seemed to be right for saying anything, what would I say anyway? 'I have had a loan for a while to pay for our nice house and nice furniture and nice toys and clothes and baby essentials, and I didnt tell you because I thought you'd overreact and go over the top". It seemed to never be the right timing and in the quote below it sounds like you are actually blaming him I was mainly worried about stressing him out, but he knows we didn't have the money to afford the house and the stuff, so where does he think the money came from?! A little money fairy maybe.

I won't address his past very dodgy behaviour as you have chosen to ignore/ draw a line under it.

WhiteandGreen · 01/09/2013 01:47

I would leave it a day or so before going to see him.

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