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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I the only one who actually wants their H to have an affair?

46 replies

thismousebites · 30/08/2013 22:03

Read loads of threads on here about women who are devastated when their DH confesses to an affair, and my heart goes out them obviously. HoweverI actually daydream that my H will admit that to me.
"I've got something to tell you. I 'be been seeing someone else and I'm in live with her and I'm moving out today".
Really, I can't be the only person who daydreams about this as it would end this farce I' m living ATM .

OP posts:

FamiliesShareGerms · 30/08/2013 22:05

Um, no, I don't wish my DH was having an affair..?

Do you want an excuse to end the relationship but without having to be the bad guy?

IAmNotDarling · 30/08/2013 22:06

I feel really sad reading this.

Are you actually saying that you no longer love your H and no longer want to be married? Or is that you suspect that he's having an affair?

MexicanHat · 30/08/2013 22:06

Why can't you leave OP? Don't waste your life living a lie.

ivegotaniphone · 30/08/2013 22:06

I used to think that as well but only because he was such a bastard. I eventually left him. I think once you start wishig for things like that its time to get out.

wifeymerrick · 30/08/2013 22:06

Do u think he is ?

Lilyloo · 30/08/2013 22:06

Really ?? I suspect not.

newbiefrugalgal · 30/08/2013 22:08

Don't say this until you experience it and the utter pain and devastation he causes.

Leave if you are not happy.

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2013 22:12

We don't know the Ops circumstances though If I was living with a violent man or an abusive man I would be happy if he had an affair and pissed off too.

Squitten · 30/08/2013 22:13

Why don't you end it?

Bogeyface · 30/08/2013 22:14

If you are unhappy then leave him, but creating a situation where he is ripe for an affair so that you dont have to be the bad guy is actually more dishonourable and morally corrupt than the cheating. And I say this as someone who was cheated on twice by her husband and was devastated by it.

Bogeyface · 30/08/2013 22:15

Imperial I would agree with you but for the language the OP uses.

She doesnt say "nightmare" "hell" "prison" or such words when describing her marriage, she says "farce". That indicates to me that it a case of 2 people living together because it is easier than grasping the nettle and splitting up.

ivykaty44 · 30/08/2013 22:17

you could end the farce you are living

I had two friends that were living like you for a while, both did get out in the end.

QueenofWhispers · 30/08/2013 22:17

just go! tell him you've grown out of love. you need your life.

Numberlock · 30/08/2013 22:20

Why wait round passively for him to determine your future.

Take control of your own destiny.

MortifiedAdams · 30/08/2013 22:20

You shouldnt be relying on him to sort your life out.

Arisaig · 30/08/2013 22:21

I went through a spell of fantasising about this OP. It was the one of the things that helped me recognised it was time to end the relationship.

FrancescaBell · 30/08/2013 22:22

Why be so childish?

Why not take responsibility for the decision to end your farce of a marriage?

Usually, people feel like this is they don't like confrontation or being 'blamed' for anything. It's a very childish way of operating to want someone else to take the blame for something you want to happen.

Highly manipulative too.

theboiledfrog · 30/08/2013 22:29

I haven't posted for ages but had to reply to this thread.

I feel for you op. I feel exactly the same. My H is EA and my sense of self is gone. Ive left twice and guilt has brought me back because of the DCs.

I dream about H having an affair and leaving me. It may sound cowardly but I doubt myself so much I dont trust my decisions and im worn down. I even imagine her, how pleased I would be if she was nice to the kids.

I know it sounds totally screwed up.....I suppose it is. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
X

hmsvictoria · 30/08/2013 22:29

Be careful what you wish for...

Lizzabadger · 30/08/2013 22:31

If you want to end your relationship end your relationship.

Bogeyface · 30/08/2013 22:36

boiledrog

An abusive relationship is a totally different kettle of fish though. I can totally understand why you want him to leave, because he has screwed with your head to such an extent that you feel unable to leave yourself. I would recommend you look into the Freedom Program, it has saved many women on MN.

The OP however doesnt mention abuse, but a "farce" of a marriage, which suggest this is a marriage that she simply doesnt have the guts to end either through cowardice or not wanting to be the bad guy. Thats not on at all.

theboiledfrog · 30/08/2013 22:42

bogeyface thank you I will look at the freedom programme. I have done other things like read lundy, had some counselling and detached as much as possible. Yet im still here. Hopefully not for much longer.

Original poster

thismousebites · 30/08/2013 22:54

Probably not explained the whole story very well.
We live in the same house but separately.
We have sep rooms, etc, but only because I can't afford to move out and he refuses to.
There's nothing between us anymore and the atmosphere is thick enough to cut. He wants to continue the status quo but I really do wish he would meet someone else. At least then he might actually want to leave to be with her then we can all try to move forwards. As it is we all seem to living in limbo.

OP posts:

Irishchic · 30/08/2013 22:56

ThisMouse that sounds bloody awful and i can understand why you feel the way you do. It would bring a conclusion and closure to you that would enable you to get on with your life.

Its all too easy to say just ltb and get on with your life. It is obviously not as simple as that.

ivykaty44 · 30/08/2013 22:56

you never know he might bring her home - with the thought that if he brings her home you might go?

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