Am I the only one who actually wants their H to have an affair?

[thismousebites]

Read loads of threads on here about women who are devastated when their DH confesses to an affair, and my heart goes out them obviously. HoweverI actually daydream that my H will admit that to me.
"I've got something to tell you. I 'be been seeing someone else and I'm in live with her and I'm moving out today".
Really, I can't be the only person who daydreams about this as it would end this farce I' m living ATM .

If you have children, that's not a healthy environment in which to raise them.

What options have you explored to live separately?

We have sep rooms, etc, but only because I can't afford to move out and he refuses to.

Do you have DC?
Do you own your home?
Are you married?

If so then you can start divorce proceedings and seek residency in the marital home for the good of the children until the youngest is 18. There is nothing he can do about it and perhaps seeing that you mean it will give him a kick up the bum. If you both agree that the marriage is over then one of you MUST leave and that should be the person who wont be the primary carer.

Actually, further thoughts.

Who instigated the seperation and seperate rooms? If it was you then perhaps he thinks that eventually you will change your mind and agree to get back together. If that is the case then I would suggest Relate counselling to help him come to accept that your marriage is over so that you can both discuss finances with regards to you living seperately.

The thing is thismousebites ... he probably is already.

Cake and eating it. sure it's handy for him to split the odd bill.

I am in a silmilar situation. We live seperately in a very small house. We get on as friends but there is no relationship beyond that.

We are trying to bring up the DC together but it's very claustrophobic. Neither of us can afford to move out and neither wants to live apart from our children.

If we had a bigger house estate we could live like the Duke and ex-Duchess of York

If DH does find someone else it's only going to make things more difficult

That was what made me realise it was time to leave my marriage... Someone suggested he was having ab affair and I felt relieved at hearing that

Bogey, what you are suggesting is a Mesher order, they are incredibly expensive to fight for at court, unless the husband is rich enough to be able to keep the marital home mortgage and have enough left for the bank to authorise another mortgage for him to get his own house. They are not an automatic right, very very few people gets them.

But, I agree that you cannot continue living like this. Trust me, it is more difficult to take the decission than dealing with the consequences of it. Having said that, getting divorce is not as simple as walking out, you need to start building up your independence so you can walk out but with your head high and with your finances under control: if you are not working, get a job. Put money together for a deposit, have some savings to keep your head above water until the tax credits start paying in, etc.

Sorry, I didnt mean a Mesher order. The OP would have to take on the mortgage alone and either buy him out or they would agree that when the youngest is 18 she would pay him his equity in the house valued as of the date he moves out. Thats what I and a lot of people I know have done and was given the impression it was standard?

My point was that if they are fighting over the house, and she can afford to pay the mortgage, then she would likely win it.

Yeah, just leave him. Cos its that easy....
Feel for you OP and totally understand.

If it is a non abusive relationship where all they are fighting over now is the house, then yes it is that easy. I know because I have done it.

No one said it was pleasant, but it is a damn sight easier than staying and bringing up children in a toxic atmosphere.

I was physically shaking when I said that enough was enough and we had to live apart and divorce, but once he realised I meant it (long story, no cheating just taking for granted on both sides), it was actually ok. We both had less money, we both had less time but after the initial spat we both realised that we had to do what was best of the kids. I think most break ups are like that, we are just conditioned to abusive or traumatic break ups because they are the only ones that make the forums.

I realise that, as the main care, I could stay in the house until the DCs are 18.
Or I could ask him to leave and buy out his share and take over the mortgage but can't afford that as samh so not earning enough. And that's all a pipe dream anyway as he will not leave as he sees this house as his. I know in reality that it's not but forcing him to sell whilst still living together fills me with dread.
The dream is that he will meet someone else who he cannot live without and who he wants to move in with ASAP.
But then that's all it is really, a dream.

Is the thought of forcing a sale now worse than the thought of living like this until the youngest is 18?

Whats worse, a smack in they eye every day or a broken leg once?

Well stop being a SAHM, get a job and start saving for a rental deposit. Most want one month's rent in advance, so once you get a job you could be sorted within 2 months.

It isn't easy, but it's do-able.

You are not alone. I feel the same. I know that one day we will split up (instigated by me) but it will be a horrible drawn out process as H will fight tooth and nail to stay together. He has EA tendencies. I'm not in the position to leave yet...But I will. An affair would be a sweet release. But I appreciate it would complicate matters in other areas.

You know Mouse... your life is worth more than the house. If you are married, the worst that could happen is that the house were to be sold and that any equity left after paying debts off would be split equally between both of you (who ever has the higher income/less responsibility toward the children is expected to get less of the equity).

Frankly, walking into a new life where you don't need to live one day at a time, in exchange of moving to a smaller house/renting is a good compromise... Honest.

But remember, you will only have the power to change things when you become more independent and that only comes by earning an income.

I do. I sometimes look at his phone in the hope that I will find something, anything. I want to be on my own - but would shatter the lives of too many to be selfish and go. I thought I was the only person IN THE WORLD to feel this way.

Not on your own Bard.
Must admit though it is a horrible feeling.
Sometimes look back over our relationship and wonder how we ever let it get to this.

I felt like that too - completely empathise.

Hit post too quick. It made me realise ,y marriage was over. We agreed to separate a year ago and he moved out in feb. we have small children. It's been ok, the money was the biggest battle.