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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fed up with self centred behaviour of friend

35 replies

chickpeachickpea · 30/08/2013 19:07

I am really fed up with the behaviour of a friend. She is part of a group of 5 other women that I'm friends with, and tbh it will be impossible to arrange things without her without it looking like I'm being bitchy. Some of the others don't seem to mind her self centred ways as much as I do.

She is a very woe is me person, and our meets always seem to consist of her taking centre stage of any conversation and talking about her problems. She is a single mum, but then so are two other mums in the group (and two of us used to be single mums too), and she plays this as a card all the time to make out her life is worse than other peoples', when actually I think she has a lot of good things in her life; lovely kids, parents that do loads of childcare and buy her and her children lots of things, a job she enjoys, and a nice house, but nothing is good enough. Every time anyone says anything about themselves she always pipes up that it's worse for her as she's a single mum.

She was in a relationship for a couple of years and split with her ex around a year ago and even now she is still going on about the split, and analysing everything he does/says. She won't help herself, and of course, her split is far worse than any splits any of the rest of us have been through.

Like I said, the conversation totally revolves around her. We all went for lunch today, kids in tow, and for two hours the conversation was about her and her problems. She always sits down and starts saying 'Anyway, I'm feeling ok/low/depressed/happy at the moment' as if it's our sole purpose of meeting up. It's really wearing thin with me now. I am happy to be a good friend to people but other group members, myself included, have had other problems and issues recently but we never seem to be able to talk about them as it all revolves around her. She is extremely needy. And it's not like I can just plan meets without her as I would look bitchy, and it would cause problems and hassle in the group.

Any ideas on how to deal with that type of person? Thanks in advance

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 30/08/2013 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

baddriver · 30/08/2013 19:15

I totally sympathise. I know someone JUST like your friend, she literally rants and raves about her woes at every meet up.

Harder for you though with other friends condoning her selfishness. Either you step back from the group which damages your social life or you confide in one of the others but then that's being divisive.

Sorry, I don't know but she sounds very tedious.

Original poster
chickpeachickpea · 30/08/2013 19:29

Thanks both of you for your replies. I think I will try the listening to her first few sentences and then changing the subject suggestion.

I find her infuriating as she seems to live in a total bubble of self. She didn't once ask anyone today how they were, or how their holiday went, or what they've been up to, it was just her her her. It annoys me too how she literally creates these 'installments' and dramas out of nothing.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 30/08/2013 19:34

Are you sure the others dont mind? Have you asked them?

I wouldnt be at all surprised to find that at least a couple of them are sick of her too.

Original poster
chickpeachickpea · 30/08/2013 19:37

I've not really asked any of them outright, Bogeyface. One of them has made a comment before about 'X having a lot of problems' but I'm not sure if it was in an exasperated way or a 'poor X' way, if that makes sense. And I get the impression that one of the others gets a bit fed up too as she stays quite quiet when this woman goes on and on.

I'm very wary of mentioning it to the others as I don't want to get into the whole 'I said, she said' type of thing.

OP posts:
yellowballoons · 30/08/2013 19:38

I wouldnt put up with it. No way.
I would sound out the others in the first instance.

yellowballoons · 30/08/2013 19:39

x post.
Cant you have a quiet word, starting with the "quiet woman" and see what she says?

Original poster
chickpeachickpea · 30/08/2013 19:41

I think what I might do too is start inviting the others round to my house for lunch on days this other woman is at work. Inviting her too, but she won't be able to make it (she works 3 days a week).

I think if I'm quite cunning about things I could slowly phase her out a bit couldn't I?

OP posts:
newboo · 30/08/2013 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spanky2 · 30/08/2013 20:07

I was friends with someone like this . Didn't help my depression either ! I ended up letting her get on with it as she always ignored everyone's advice . She then has been drawn to a group of women who like cocaine so I walked away .Sad

CharityFunDay · 30/08/2013 20:08

Next time she starts banging on, I'd laugh lightly and say (in a friendly tone): "You're always moaning! Haven't you got anything nice to tell us?" and then look expectantly at her. The plan being to gently pressurise her to change the record.

That way, your feelings are out in the open (meaning you feel less stressed), the others are made aware that it's a real problem, and she gets a not-so-gentle hint that she might be becoming tiresome.

Zoe900 · 30/08/2013 20:11

If there are five of you, and you are going to great lengths to organise an event without her then I think you are a bitch. However irritating you find her as you said the others don't find her as bad, and being a single parent is hard. She's not bragging about how great life is with a smug expression on her face. Try not to be a bitch or the other four will exclude you.

Original poster
chickpeachickpea · 30/08/2013 20:32

I know it's hard, Zoe. As I've said in my OP, I was one once myself. Do you think as she is a single parent it's ok for her to constantly dominate meet ups with her moans and woes?

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 30/08/2013 20:40

Is that you, Wendy?

Salbertina · 30/08/2013 20:48

She probably doesn't realise! Have got v similar friend and felt need to force her awareness somehow and then realised not in my power! Had long hard think as been here with different friends in the past and it rarely ended well. Dawned on me that i had to accept het as she was or chose not to hang out with her. No scheming, no seething while she talks.. She can be quite narcissistic, vain and shallow but also has a big heart, a generous soul, is great fun and hope in a crisis, so on balance i thought worth holding on to! Don't know if this helps.

Enb76 · 30/08/2013 20:50

Why wouldn't you just tell her? I'd do what CharityFun said. Don't be a bitch and leave her out, she has no idea she's doing anything wrong.

spanky2 · 30/08/2013 21:01

I had completely forgotten about Wendy !

Tweet2tweet · 30/08/2013 21:07

Be careful, you may be the only folks she speaks to and finds comfort in the group. Being let go could blow her world apart.

Perhaps try to make a mental note about what others have been doing and when she pauses, pops to the loo bring them in. Alternatively you could meet her one to one any say that you care a lot for her but you are concerned about the problems she has. Maybe ask her what support she has, you may find out more about her....

SoWorriedPleaseHelp · 30/08/2013 22:30

I was feeling sympathetic towards you until your last line. Hmm

That was just nasty.

Zoe900 · 31/08/2013 08:36

You may find that ejecting one member of the group changes the dynamic between the rest of you and the group then fractures anyway, or there emerges a NEW Least Popular member.

You haven't been trying for very long to get her stop 'moaning'. If you said 'right, lunch! let's enjoy it, real life after lunch' and other similar comments like that then she would get the message soon enough.

But you are looking for advice and support on how to get rid of her without looking bitchy. Well, excluding her is a bitchy thing to do so if you manage to successfully get rid of her then you are a bitch so digest that!

Also, if you encourage a new 'fluidity' to the group, you may discover that the most charismatic member of the group (who can take her pick of new friendship clicques) now feels FREE to ditch the group. Or, with all the plain talking going on you might hear something about yourself that shocks you to the core. Somebody in the group with a bit of integrity might think, whoah, this is all so bitchy, I'm outa here.

So, think carefully before you go ahead and do a really bitchy thing. It might be easier to modify your own reaction to her 'moaning'.

Salbertina · 31/08/2013 08:38

Zoe- am guessing your EQ levels ate higher than average, you speak much sense!

pictish · 31/08/2013 08:46

think what I might do too is start inviting the others round to my house for lunch on days this other woman is at work. Inviting her too, but she won't be able to make it (she works 3 days a week).

I think if I'm quite cunning about things I could slowly phase her out a bit couldn't I?

Wooooaaaahhhh!!!

So you plan to organise meet ups with the group that she can't attend in order to phase her out, do you? And you think that's cunning?
Do you have any idea how bitchy you sound? And how utterly like a Wendy??

Grow up ffs. If you have problem with her, then do the adult thing and talk to her, and learn to manage your dislike better! Do NOT go about quitely planning to eject her from the group ffs! That's horrible!

Zoe900 · 31/08/2013 08:47

Thank you, I was just thinking your post showed more understanding!

I know a girl who boasts for Europe, interrupts everybody, clips them down with cutting comments but I feel sorry for her. I think she has a personality disorder.

baddriver · 31/08/2013 10:01

Maybe try organising the lunch on the day she can't come as a one off and see how the dynamic changes. But don't neccessarily broadcast your irritation as this may make the others feel awkward. You want to reduce your exposure to her but you don't need to manage the contact between her and the group.

baddriver · 31/08/2013 10:02

Zoe I feel sorry for people with personality disorders too but that doesn't mean I want to hang out with them.