Fed up with self centred behaviour of friend

[chickpeachickpea]

I am really fed up with the behaviour of a friend. She is part of a group of 5 other women that I'm friends with, and tbh it will be impossible to arrange things without her without it looking like I'm being bitchy. Some of the others don't seem to mind her self centred ways as much as I do.

She is a very woe is me person, and our meets always seem to consist of her taking centre stage of any conversation and talking about her problems. She is a single mum, but then so are two other mums in the group (and two of us used to be single mums too), and she plays this as a card all the time to make out her life is worse than other peoples', when actually I think she has a lot of good things in her life; lovely kids, parents that do loads of childcare and buy her and her children lots of things, a job she enjoys, and a nice house, but nothing is good enough. Every time anyone says anything about themselves she always pipes up that it's worse for her as she's a single mum.

She was in a relationship for a couple of years and split with her ex around a year ago and even now she is still going on about the split, and analysing everything he does/says. She won't help herself, and of course, her split is far worse than any splits any of the rest of us have been through.

Like I said, the conversation totally revolves around her. We all went for lunch today, kids in tow, and for two hours the conversation was about her and her problems. She always sits down and starts saying 'Anyway, I'm feeling ok/low/depressed/happy at the moment' as if it's our sole purpose of meeting up. It's really wearing thin with me now. I am happy to be a good friend to people but other group members, myself included, have had other problems and issues recently but we never seem to be able to talk about them as it all revolves around her. She is extremely needy. And it's not like I can just plan meets without her as I would look bitchy, and it would cause problems and hassle in the group.

Any ideas on how to deal with that type of person? Thanks in advance

So find new friends instead of attempting to fracture someone else's support network.

Oh god, i agree with the others. What you are planning is really really nasty. Deal with it, or leave the group yourself

Could you try and manage the conversation to involve others more? Ask specific things like, "I've been looking forward to hearing about Anne's holiday went, or "Jane, how was your sister after that thing you mentioned the other day?" Try to give them openings and try not to let the annoying friend butt in with too many things like, "That was like my holiday, but we had an even worse thing..."

It will not be easy, as you're probably all used to letting her interrupt, and perhaps you will need to be a bit pointed once or twice, "Jane was talking, please can we let her finish? We spend a lot of time talking about you, so please let others have their turn." It will be more effective if the others support you, e.g. Jane says "Thank you," and carries on, rather than "No, it doesn't really matter, haven't really got anyhing else to say anyway."

It wouldn't be easy, and things won't change overnight, but in time they might. I think it would be fairer to try something like that than just exclude her by arranging things she can't make.

Have you considered she might have depression ? You don't sound a very supportive friend tbh.

Personally I think she sounds like a self obsessed pain in the arse.
However, just about every social group will contain someone who jars a bit with you, and who you really wouldn't choose to hang out with given your own choice. That's life, and we just learn to tolerate them for the sake of peaceful dynamics throughout...like the well adjusted grown ups we are.

Plotting to exclude them is the territory of someone with a nasty streak a mile fucking wide....in my very honest opinion.

velvetspoon but that is nothing like the OP's story. The self-absorbed woman is dull and uninterested in anyone else. She uses the meets as a sort of personal therapy session. It is not as if she was normal before and has slipped into a rut. And when someone is so socially inept, it is very difficult to train them to be a better friend. Sad, but bloody hard work, and their demands are well beyond the call of friendship.

Anecdotally... I know of a coffee group who slowly disbanded because of one member, each of the other women extracting themselves one by one as they found her company insufferable. They did not plot this, but sadly left, on their own accord, thinking they were alone in their opinion of the annoying one.

It wasn't until 2 years later when they met again through their children that they resurrected friendships amongst themselves.

It worked out in the end for them but there was a lot of heartache and a long time before they were shot of the insufferable one.

Now I don't doubt for a moment that the recently ostracised woman has a personality disorder. She falls out with everyone and has even been trespassed from the school.

It is sad. But who can blame the women for not wanting to soend time with her? Friendship needs to be a two way street.

God that was long

I was just about to post along same lines as EBearhug, i.e. have you tried making a point of assertively bringing other people's news into the conversation rather than letting problem friend dominate with her issues the whole time. The woman sounds a pain but to be fair to her she may not be aware of it if everyone is tolerating her.

Do you only meet up once in a while? It might be her only chance to talk if she is busy with home life, work, and only sees her dc and parents. You are her friends after all.

Don't cut her out, but do things where you don't all sit round- go on activities, round a stately home or something.

You could ask her for dinner or lunch and ask if she is ok, as things get her down so much. Lonely people do talk and talk when finally alone with friends.

If you like, you could ask one person to come a bit earlier, then when she arrives say " Brenda was telling us about her holiday" then she has to listen. A year isn't very long and she might be struggling more than you think, people are very good about hiding what's wrong. If on the surface it all seems fine, clearly somewhere its not.