Family issue - really don't get on with BIL

[Weegiemum]

My dh was, until the last 3-4 years, very close to his brother. They were each others "best man" (18 and 15 years ago).

BIL hasn't ever really been a good friend of mine, but I always treated him as family - the relationship is very important to dh and so I supported it.

My dh has had depression over the last 2 years, really struggled and bil, his supposed "best friend" has totally ignored it. Dh didn't feel up to telling his mum but bil - while not helping dh at all - told her, which has made our relationship harder.

The last 2 years after discussion, bil, his wife and 2 boys came to us for a holiday over the Halloween weekend. Now it turns out they have planned (even bought tickets!) to come this year without asking. I have a neurological disability that needs regular IV treatment in hospital - they plan to come the next day, when (we've explained) I'm utterly wiped out, I need 3-4 days after my IV to feel normal.

Am IBU? I've explained I can't have visitors the week of my IV. I need a real (sleep all day and night) rest and I've explained it to them.

Dh is trying to be nice to them, but he can't get the days off and I'm useful for nothing at this point. Plus, they've assumed an invitation we hadn't planned to offer this year because - surprise surprise - I had a hospital appointment!!

They will have to cancel, end of

I once had to have a difficult conversation with a family member who was actually attempting to railroad me/us into something I didn't want to do

DH had already been steamrollered over the phone (softy that he is) and I was left to make that call to say "This isn't going to happen for X, Y, Z reasons"

Things haven't been quite the same since then, but tbh, family members who make assumptions and expect everyone else to fall in with them at their own personal cost, deserve to have the rug pulled out from under them

Stick to your guns, love, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. I know you will anyway, but grit your teeth and roll with it

Sorry, but yes, you need to make the same call as AF made.

I can kind of see where they assumed, as they've been over the last 2 years, but they ought to have checked, and you really can't see them. I think they just weren't thinking.

Could they stay in a hotel and do whatever it normally is that they do?

DH might be able to see them while you're sleeping it all off for a bit?

You need to be firm and tell them it's not happening. Do NOT let them make this decision for you. Regardless of you doing it for the last 2 years, it was incredibly inconsiderate of them to simply make the travel plans without speaking to you first and making sure it was still on.

You can always relent for the visit part, but insist they stay at a hotel, if you think you're up to an actual visit. And DON'T get roped into helping them organise the hotel, or they will either end up at yours or will blame you for every little problem at the hotel. (been there, done that)

What AF stated; they will simply have to cancel.

Be firm with such people and do not back down. And sod feeling guilty as well.

I felt guilty because I was the one rocking the apple cart. Family pressure is a hard thing to push against, when you know it is you that will be blamed for "spoiling" things.

What I felt very strongly about though is that I shouldn't have been put in that position in the first place.

OP ?

Just realised I'd not replied to this.

Dh has told his brother that they just can't come that weekend as I won't be well. So they volunteered to do all cooking/buy a takeaway/take kids out etc, they would come to "help".

Dh has stuck to his guns - no, they just cant come.

Bil tried guilt tripping along the lines of "well if you don't want to see your nephews" etc, but dh just kept saying no.

So there was a bit of chitchat and end of call.

Dh has heard from MIL that his db is very cross about it. Turned out he's bought non-refundable non-transferable tickets for the ferry (coming from Ireland) for about £200. They apparently can't now afford to stay somewhere else. Apparently bil "didn't realise" how ill I can be - does he think weeks in hospital, monthly day long IV treatments, walking aids and having to cut my work hours in half were all done for fun?

I feel a bit bad about it, but I genuinely won't get out of bed for a couple of days and the noise of my dc and their little cousins would be awful.

We're sticking to no!!

Not your fault, they shouldnt have taken the liberties and just assumed, they'll have to save up for somewhere to stay for a while.

Don't feel bad about it - they didn't ask if it was OK to come before booking. That is not your problem whatsoever.

And your MIL should have given BIL a flea in his ear, rather than repeating things to your dh

Mil just (20 mins ago) called me - was "private" on the house phone which could be school (in Scotland so we've been back almost 3 weeks, and I have a dc with asthma).

It's all my fault. I should make allowances as their dc are small (6&4, mine are 9,11,13). I can't be that unwell.

Don't I get treatment to make me better? Anyway, it's not like I asked my nerves to die!!

I'm getting very very cross. I'm not going to be bulled - mil calling when dc are at school and dh at work is a clear bullying issue.

I didn't want to boast etc but realise it might now be seen as drip-feeding but my dh is an experienced GP, and even with that (which they're so proud of) his reports of what supports me falls on deaf ears!!

Secant do it (mil suggested if its that hard I should visit my parents - who are 80 miles away) so bil and family could come!!

Dh still firmly in my camp. His response is "fuck 'em all, this is about you as it should be!!"

I love him!!

Good on your DH, as a supportive husband he obviously sees the aftermath of the treatment.

And as a GP, hes probably seen many cases like yours and knows how bad it can be.

Thanks

There's an ongoing issue with mil though - that dh won't move back to Belfast. She really hates that it's 25 years since he came to Scotland at 18 and didn't go back - and that's All My Fault. If we were there they could help every day. Thank goodness I'm not!!!

My condition is so rare my dh hasn't ever seen it but he's done the research (my consultant was in his class at medical school) and gets it. His family just don't listen!!

Aaaargh I just wish I could get on and people would listen about this!!

Weegie, just ignore it, they are in the wrong, you obviously dont need stress, so when they decide to hassle you, just hang up.

I really hate it when people try to minimise other peoples illnesses, when they've been told over and over again, what the illness means.

I know I should ignore. I'm really too much of a pleaser. But this is too much!!

The kind of person who books non refundable, non transferable tickets without even asking the person they want to visit first is an entitled arse. Stick to your guns and make it clear that even if they turn up on your doorstep they won't be staying, as it sounds like your BIL would be the kind of person to try that.

Infact, Send BIL, places to stay and things to do in scotland, so to make it perfectly clear.

Please your health Weegie, thats all that matters, not a bunch of self entitled whiney idiots.

Your in-laws sound like a tiresome bunch. This can't help your stress levels and the last thing DH needs too. B&B at their expense along the road if they are adamant they're travelling over. Ever thought of emigration? I hear NZ is wonderful.

Yeah NZ sounds wonderful (but too far from my lovely Dad) and aso I'd probably suffer rejection on immigration deals - my IV costs £8000 (no, that's not too many zeros) per month. Without it I'm in a wheelchair within 2 weeks.

Mil called this evening at tea time, I picked up as I didn't think to look at the number. Second time today!!

I got yelled at - I'm selfish, don't like his family, only interested in my family, making it all up (!! !!), not as ill as I make out, taking advantage of dh's good nature etc.

I told her that we don't respond to threatening calls and if she wants to discuss this further then dh will be home on Wednesday evening (he can't take long calls on his mobile when a rural on-call GP). No doubt she'll call him tonight but I'm 100% sure he's on my side.

I bet they wouldn't be making so much fuss if they'd got refundable tickets, ie it's as much about their peeve at losing £200, as all the guff about 'famlees'. Their decision to buy without checking; their consequences. Take care of yourself.

Yes, in the end it's not them not remembering e. it's the bloody thoughtlessness of it all.

And I've spent 20 years being positive and getting on with mil (who cried 21 years ago when dh and I got engaged and it wasn't from happiness!).

Feel like its all getting blown out of the water, and I honestly didnt cause it, apart from needing rest at that point.

And yes, I've been abrasive in the (distant, 15+ years past) but so were they. I thought things had got better and I counted as a family member (as dh does with my family). Clearly not.

Have ignored 2 calls from mil and one from bil's number today. That's since I got home at 2.30pm.

Dh has already told them he's working away until tomorrow night.

I'm just not answering any more.

They are just bullies, plain and simple. What kind of ego-maniacs continue to harass and cajole people who have already told them that they are not welcome into letting them visit?

You and your DH should just ignore all further calls. It'll just be more of the same and you have both already expressed yourselves very clearly. If you get caught out by telephone number trickery, just hang up. It's not worth your oxygen!

I would say very sorry but impossible with you to stay with us for reasons xyz (which I'm assuming they have prior knowledge of) but here are a list of reasonably priced hotels. Or stay with MIL!

Sadly, they can't stay with mil as hey live 5 mins walk from her - about 4+ hours from us given the ferry trip and drive.

We've already been well told they can't afford a hotel/b&b and must stay with us, and they will be "help" for me.

We've just kept repeating "no, sorry, it doesn't suit" but as yet they don't seem to have taken it in. Dh is quite ready to turn them away at the door. Funny enough they've not tried to call him today - just me. Of course, I can't be "that ill" as I was working earlier, I'm sure!!