Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Family issue - really don't get on with BIL

71 replies

Weegiemum · 30/08/2013 01:33

My dh was, until the last 3-4 years, very close to his brother. They were each others "best man" (18 and 15 years ago).

BIL hasn't ever really been a good friend of mine, but I always treated him as family - the relationship is very important to dh and so I supported it.

My dh has had depression over the last 2 years, really struggled and bil, his supposed "best friend" has totally ignored it. Dh didn't feel up to telling his mum but bil - while not helping dh at all - told her, which has made our relationship harder.

The last 2 years after discussion, bil, his wife and 2 boys came to us for a holiday over the Halloween weekend. Now it turns out they have planned (even bought tickets!) to come this year without asking. I have a neurological disability that needs regular IV treatment in hospital - they plan to come the next day, when (we've explained) I'm utterly wiped out, I need 3-4 days after my IV to feel normal.

Am IBU? I've explained I can't have visitors the week of my IV. I need a real (sleep all day and night) rest and I've explained it to them.

Dh is trying to be nice to them, but he can't get the days off and I'm useful for nothing at this point. Plus, they've assumed an invitation we hadn't planned to offer this year because - surprise surprise - I had a hospital appointment!!

OP posts:

prettybird · 03/09/2013 17:39

Poor you weegiemum I'm very on your behalf.

Hell mend 'em.

You know your dh supports you. You know how serious your condition is. If they choose to remain ignorant (in the true sense of the word), then that's their problem.

Go and hug your lovely kids :)

Xales · 03/09/2013 17:41

I think I would actually be very blunt. You can't stay because you are nasty, selfish bullying people who don't give a shiny shit about anyone but yourself and we don't want you to.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2013 17:42

It was their fault for spending £200 on non refundable tickets without firstly checking with yourselves if their visit was indeed suitable.

BIL and MIL are in cahoots with each other and MIL was never worth trying to get along with in the first place because she is one hell of a toxic individual. Think as well your DH is finally realising that a) they are not worth it and that b) his primary loyalty is and should be to his own family unit.

BIL will just have to suck it up, I would be fully prepared for them to show anyway. Just do not answer the door to them.

Do read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

Original poster

Weegiemum · 03/09/2013 17:51

Thanks pb, I'm glad you think my dc are nice (for everyone: we're rl friends).

Yes my mil has been toxic all through our relationship. She really can't get her head round the fact that dh doesn't want to live in Belfast. He didn't even apply to uni there for medical training - 25 years ago!! - and yet it's my fault he lives in Scotland.

This whole thing is escalating, and now I'm just trying to keep out of it. I'm so blessed that dh is 1000% on my side and even angrier with them than I am. Can't get better than that.

OP posts:

prettybird · 03/09/2013 17:55

We're only met and became friends 'cos of MN.

Xales · 03/09/2013 17:58

Good for your H too (-:

Original poster

Weegiemum · 03/09/2013 18:05

True pb - though I think I'd actually forgotten that!!

OP posts:

Ezio · 03/09/2013 18:11

Weegie I think your DH, could give lessons on wife support to some of the wimps that get written about on here.

Jux · 03/09/2013 18:11

What charmers they are! Good on your dh. Hope the treatment goes well.

Bet those f&&kers do turn up, all merry and bright, pretending they had no diea there was a problem. Your dh may have to prepare himself to deal with them face to face.

RenterNomad · 03/09/2013 18:29

Saying "it doesn't suit" is to minimise the very real hassle of having guests ; you've already mentioned the noise that the DC will make, out of excitement.

Your BIL is just blustering, and he and MIL are winding one another up.

Maybe you can get some ideas from this thread?

Or just use the broken record technique, which at least will help you keep your temper better than either straight confrontation or avoiding confrontation.

Alanna1 · 03/09/2013 18:38

I think its terrible of them, but is there anything you could offer? Could they stay with friends? Camp in someone's garden? Anything on airbnb?

Mumsyblouse · 03/09/2013 19:00

Why should you offer anything? You didn't invite them! It was incredibly cheeky to book cheap tickets for a cheap holiday (now can't afford B and B) at yours, under the guise of wanting to see you, but now that it isn't very convenient, still pressuring you through MIL and on the phone to capitulate.

Usually, when you want to see someone, you phone them up and ask them when it is convenient to visit, listen to their replies, and then book.

I wouldn't feel guilty at all, this is not a good time for you, you don't have to justify why you don't want visitors that week (there may be a million reasons including ones you don't want to reveal to others) and if someone says 'oh, that's not convenient to come then' you don't keep on and on and insulting them until they agree.

Sadly you have been reminded they are not very nice people.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/09/2013 19:29

If DH has laid it on the line he is not held hostage; you aren't denying him family contact; and the date they chose from thin air happens to conflict with a major appointment that calls for total rest and quiet and afterwards, I really would answer the phone and give MIL or BIL the riot act.

Not placate or run ragged trying to sort out their requirements as you would for welcome people who gave a shit about you who by ill luck happened to need sorting out because of some domestic crisis or doziness on their part.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/09/2013 19:38

God your MIL really is a piece of work.

Thank goodness you have a DH who sounds like he's worth his weight in gold!

Sorry you are unwell OP - sounds to me like you handle it admirably.

Original poster

Weegiemum · 03/09/2013 20:35

Aw thanks for the nice things you say about my dh - he really is a gem!

I do my best with my disability (it's gone beyond illness really) - I'm very very lucky that there's a treatment I can have. Luckily I live near the uk centre for treatment of it (its so rare about 50 people in a year get my diagnosis and people get referred from London hospitals).

It's really nice that people think I'm handling it well - my own family (who live 90 mins away) are great - don't interfere but would be here in ... well ... 90 mins if I needed help. It's such a chore for mil we just don't ask. She always makes such a deal about how she has to look after our nephews every afternoon.

I feel like I'm being a total moan and tbh my years of issues with the in laws are coming out. This just seems to me to be one thing so far.

I'm feeling like a bitch - bil and family really don't have much money - but honestly, I cant do it this time. if I could, I would but that particular weekend I'll be in bed and dh will have dc out both days. I might go to church for an hour and a half on Sunday - that's it. That's if I can walk downstairs - I've been left upstairs for 5 days following my IV.

Sorry enough moaning.

OP posts:

Ezio · 03/09/2013 20:45

Dont feel bad, you and DH know how bad it get after treatment for you, you dont need the stress or noise of houseguests.

They may not have much money, but they should have just expected it, without asking, it was very selfish and rude for them to assume.

Doha · 03/09/2013 20:48

Weegiemum l think that from your name l am not far from you.

If you need any help when you are having your treatment and your DH is not around give me a shout-l would be glad to help in any way l could.

Except play host to your BIL

cloudskitchen · 03/09/2013 21:17

They should never ever have assumed that they could stay with you. I can't believe they are insisting even though they have been reminded of the situation. I would be horrified of my over sight if it were me (which it wouldn't be as I would never have assumed in the first place) I certainly would not be insisting. How ridiculous and unneeded stress for you

RenterNomad · 03/09/2013 21:19

It's to your credit that I've seen your name a fair bit and never had any idea you were so ill or in such pain.

Ezio · 03/09/2013 21:26

Doha, maybe you could be "the help" when they come to stay, and suddenly develope an interest in witchcraft and shout "SINNNER!!!!" whenever they do something, might put them off.

pictish · 03/09/2013 21:27

I'm pretty taken aback at their lack of respect for you and your home.
A no is a no ffs.

joanofarchitrave · 03/09/2013 21:34

I'm amazed that they want to stay with someone who is ill- don't you have to spend the whole weekend shushing the children and taking them to playgrounds at 5am to avoid disturbing the hosts, and being horribly aware that you are disturbing them anyway...

AirBnB Scotland

Original poster

Weegiemum · 03/09/2013 21:35

Lol Ezio!! The bizarre thing is we're Christians and so are they!!

I might scare them off by welcoming them with a loud "Turn Or Burn!!!" On the doorstep.

OP posts:

Ezio · 03/09/2013 21:39

Well they aint very good christians, if they resort to bully, i've not read the bible, but im pretty sure that "Thou shall bow down to bullying" is not one of the ten commandments.

Jux · 03/09/2013 22:20

Ezio

Flip

1 2 3