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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

can i keep going like this?

33 replies

15yrslater · 28/08/2013 17:28

I married when I was 20 to a man 15 years older than me. we now have a lovely home and five confident happy children. My husband says we have a perfect marriage, I had flashbacks last night of physical chastisement and sexual abuse during the first few years of marriage. We are coming up to our 15 year anniversary and I am happy there hasn't been any of these type of issues in the last 10 years but I feel I have been trained to be what he wanted I am confused. Should I put the worms back in the can? Can I?

OP posts:

MollyBerry · 28/08/2013 20:10

Are you content in your relationship currently?

Hissy · 28/08/2013 22:20

What does 'being what he wanted' mean in terms of your day to day now?

Original poster

15yrslater · 28/08/2013 22:48

I feel like I've been moulded into the wife he planned me to be. I keep the house as he likes it I bring the children up as he wants, I even go to the theatre and exhibitions to see things he books but often on my own to things he thinks i'd like but hasnt asked me if I'd like to see. I never say no to sex but he doesnt make me do things he knows i dont like. Maybe I'm just being ungrateful and I am happy with my life and find him attractive and sometimes kind, he is certainly a loving devoted father but I have an increasing uneasiness that I jumped from a messy chaotic childhood to a dream life on his terms. I don't know why I'm posting there's nothing to be done I just feel sad sometimes.

OP posts:

colafrosties · 28/08/2013 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

15yrslater · 28/08/2013 23:35

In theory yes I could but usually he tells me reasons why I wouldn't enjoy things or causes some kind of babysitting problem when I want to go out with friends. He has no problem with me inviting people over and occasionally books restaurants for me and some friends and will put champagne on the table for us. I sound like a spoiled brat don't I?

OP posts:

Hissy · 28/08/2013 23:45

So you're a pet of his then? He's trained you, and all you have to do is obey his commands?

So this seemingly calm outward appearance is all there is, and the mundanity of it all is getting to you?

No small wonder there, it sounds like a gold plated cage.

knittedknickers · 28/08/2013 23:56

Do you feel able to elaborate on the physical chastisement and sexual abuse elements? For me, these issues are fundamental to whether you should stay or not. Do you feel that, as you were young and possibly vulnerable at the time of you marrying, that he took advantage of you and abused you? If so, the champagne lifestyle is immaterial. I can understand your confusion about all of this. A comfortable ten years doesn't wipe out earlier trauma.

Original poster

15yrslater · 29/08/2013 00:08

Yes yes that's exactly how it feels. My children are amazing and happy and secure and my husband means me to feel the same but I am starting to wonder if I have never/ will never be a real adult. He doesn't give direct orders but I do everything he suggests that's how it has to be I can't explain how perhaps I'm a pushover it's all very subtle and harmless. Am I reading to much into it, do I just need to assert myself? Maybe I'm having an early midlife crisis :-(

OP posts:

Original poster

15yrslater · 29/08/2013 00:13

Those first years were full of slaps if I did things wrong (looking after the house, entertaining, sex) sexually I had no choice in anything. I realise it sounds awful and there were lots of tears and fright but things really aren't like that now. He says he's mellowed.

OP posts:

Hissy · 29/08/2013 07:38

What happens NOW if you decide to do things differently?

Have you considered counselling? Something clearly happened to you that was very wrong, and these flashbacks now are your body trying to tell you that you can't just ignore this.

(((hug)))

LifeHuh · 29/08/2013 07:49

"He has no problem with me inviting people over and occasionally books restaurants for me and some friends and will put champagne on the table for us. I sound like a spoiled brat don't I?"

This sounds really odd to me - I can't imagine a situation where DH would arrange time out for my friends and I - we sort out for ourselves what we want to do.And what we want to drink...The same for him booking things for you to go to which he thinks you'll like.
Occasionally that could be a sweet gesture,but as a regular thing it sounds controlling,not subtle and harmless at all.

Your first 5 years do sound awful ((hug)) Has he really mellowed,or is it just that things regularly go his way now?

mummytime · 29/08/2013 07:57

How old are your children?

What would happen if your (imaginary) 14 year old daughter came home to say she was pregnant?
Your 16 year old son decides to quit his school and go to FE college to study hairdressing?

Your daughter comes home with a tattoo on her face?
Your son with a Mohican and multiple piercings?

I think you need to get yourself some counselling, your GP can help you find a good counsellor (or somewhere like Women's aid can help).
Take care.

tallwivglasses · 29/08/2013 08:15

He's moulded you into a Stepford wife. Reading your posts is really chilling, OP. I'm scared for you and your children. Are they really happy? Or have they learnt to be Stepford children?

mcmooncup · 29/08/2013 08:46

I too find your posts chilling.
Using violence early in the relationship has sent you the very clear message you need to obey him, and the fact you do means he doesn't need to use the violence again.
So I'd repeat the question asked above....what happens NOW if you don't do as he asks/ I know he doesn't overtly 'ask' but you know what I mean....what would he do if you booked a weekend away with friends for some fun and timeout? Assuming YOU have sorted relevant childcare.

From what you have written, he sounds like a horrendous abuser, with expert superficial charm

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2013 11:24

Yep - I have goosebumps reading this too.

causes some kind of babysitting problem when I want to go out with friends

Red flag for sure.

And the slaps at the beginning???
Wow! I have no advice as I have no experience of this but counselling for you is the first step.

Seriously chilling!!

Original poster

15yrslater · 29/08/2013 11:29

I almost wish I hadn't started this thread I feel grateful for your hugs and it makes my blood run cold that you can understand I don't feel quite right. I genuinely think our children are happy they are free to be themselves and my husband is very happy for them to follow their own interests, one son dances to a high level one is very academic one likes worms bare feet and won't go near a book for example.
I would never book a weekend away or arrange childcare. It does sound odd but I just couldn't he always asks his parents or brother to babysit. but surely most couples have a dynamic like that? don't know what I would do if I were free. I know in my heart I would never leave, his parents are wonderful to me and they and his brother are the family I never had I could never distance myself from them or from him. the only real lie was that he told me there was no such thing as marital rape i know now thats not true but i think he believed it was. I obviously wanted him to help me develop life skills as I cant even imagine what I could do differently. I am aware that he has made me the person I am but is that such a bad thing? I know I am rambling but it feels so good to get some of my thoughts out of my head. He is not a bad man in fact quite the opposite it's just horrible memories keep emerging and I wish could just forget. Thank you for your kindness

OP posts:

mummytime · 29/08/2013 12:04

Please go and get some counselling.

You obviously have big issues from the past, and I can understand that you are petrified to lose this "family" of his.

Your subconcious is trying to tell you something. (BTW if you only have sons that could be significant in how he treats them).

Have you ever read Stepford Wives?

Original poster

15yrslater · 29/08/2013 12:20

We have two sons and three daughters, worm lover is a girl :-) I think counselling will make it worse I did go to counselling once and was told I liked the authority of a man because of my childhood I didn't go back because I felt so judged and embarrassed to be seen as so pathetic. There is no way I could tell a person face to face about him slapping my legs for not smiling enough or telling me not to leave the house for a week for drinking more than three glasses of wine in one evening. I am mortified even typing it on here. Is this a VERY unusual situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

15yrslater · 29/08/2013 12:31

No I've never read Stepford wives just looked up the synopsis. I'd like to think I'm still warm and caring am feeling a little scared now myself perhaps its best to let it lie for a while

OP posts:

mummytime · 29/08/2013 12:52

The counsellor may have had a point though.

However different counsellors deal with things in different ways.

I think if you are remembering things you suppressed then your memory/your inner you is not going to let you suppress everything for much longer.

I would suggest you try to deal with them constructively, including getting help and talking to someone (Women's Aid if not a counsellor). If not it could affect your mental health in other ways.

Do not read Stepford Wives, I think it is far too scary for you at present. I find it chilling to think about having read your posts here.

Hissy · 29/08/2013 12:54

He actually banned you from leaving the house for a week?

My love, that's wrong, so very wrong!

Even my horrific ex never banned me from going out, only making it impossible so that I spent almost 3m without getting out.

My love, you really do need to go to counselling, they're not judging you, they are reacting to how you were treated.

What was your childhood like, for you to grow up thinking this is normal?

Moreover, what's stopping the same thing happening to your children? The situation they are in is the same as yours, even if you're only obeying because you've been trained that way.

It may be hurtful to have to face up to the truth, but ultimately it's less destructive to your soul/family.

Hissy · 29/08/2013 12:56

You ARE warm and caring, but just conditioned not to be so to yourself.

Mumsnet will be here for you for thé long term, no matter how long this journey, we'll be here if you want us to be.

mcmooncup · 29/08/2013 14:01

Do you know anything about abusive relationships OP?
read here
It is not just about violence....although he has been violent so by definition it is a violent relationship anyway.

GettingStrong · 29/08/2013 14:26

Your relationship does sound abusive.

I have just finished reading a book that you might find helpful. It's called Betrayal Bonds, by Patrick Carnes.

It's about how abuse can condition people to accept things they shouldn't accept, but also how you can actually end up becoming deeply attached to people who are treating you very badly. You might find it very hard to read if you recognise a lot of yourself in it, but it's also very enlightening. It was someone on MN who originally recommended it to me.

You might find counselling really helpful, if you could get longer term counselling you would find that you won't be pushed to talk about difficult things until you are ready. The counsellor won't be judging you. If you can find a counsellor you are happy with it will be much easier than you imagine to start talking about this stuff.

Original poster

15yrslater · 29/08/2013 18:25

Thank you all you are kind and insightful. We are going out tomorrow without the children I am going to speak to him about my misgivings about our marriage. Any advice?

OP posts:

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