can i keep going like this?

[15yrslater]

I married when I was 20 to a man 15 years older than me. we now have a lovely home and five confident happy children. My husband says we have a perfect marriage, I had flashbacks last night of physical chastisement and sexual abuse during the first few years of marriage. We are coming up to our 15 year anniversary and I am happy there hasn't been any of these type of issues in the last 10 years but I feel I have been trained to be what he wanted I am confused. Should I put the worms back in the can? Can I?

I would say come back to this thread after you have spoken to him, if you have even the slightest misgivings about what he says to you when you speak to him to get his view.

I tried, a number of times, to get my abusive ex to acknowledge and accept that what he had done was wrong, but he never did accept that. Instead he came up with all kinds of weird explanations as to why his abusive behaviour was a) not really that bad, or b) my own fault. I am guessing your husband may do similar.

And I kept accepting his version of events as somehow more real than the version of events from my own perspective, which it seems is all part of the denial that people in long term abusive relationships experience because you don't want to accept it's happening.

So, I guess what I am saying is, if he trys to reassure you and say all is fine, don't take that at face value. Even if you really want to.

My guess is that you can talk until you're blue in thé face but he'll want you to keep everything as it is.

Think about it. What's in it for him if you have a fairer deal out of this? Nothing! He'll lose if he gives up 'his rights'.

But do try, and hold him to every empty promise, and observe.

I think he'll dismiss you completely.

I begged for 3 years for him to stop being mean, and to let me live.

Did bugger all good.

Him leaving, me not talking to him, ranting and raving at him over the phone, using every insult he ever gave me right back at him after over 2 years of refusing to take any B'S, after he's lost us, his son, his home, and everything he thinks is of value, stuck now in a shitty backward and godforsaken country, NOW he apologises to me. From thousands of miles away, knowing that he'll never ever be allowed another chance with me.

THAT's what it takes for a 'man' like this to see the light.

If you read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft, you'll see that's what Lundy says will need to happen before an abuser will change his tactics.

OP I'm worried about this conversation. If you go ahead with it try to stay calm. If he flumoxes you, pause, ask him to repeat, say you'll need time to answer. You don't have to respond or reply to anything he says. Take notes. I know it sounds daft but do it. Whatever you do, don't apologise for anything even if he demands it. Have your bag, coat and keys close to you and if it all gets too much you can just walk out.

Thank you I will bear in mind that he has definitely manipulated/ abused me in the past but I would like to offer him the chance to hear how I feel, I think he really feels there is no problem because that is the picture I present to him. I don't feel nervous of him so that's a good sign right?

Hissy :I can tell you've been incredibly strong I don't have that backbone and my husband isn't mean to me. Also your posts are filled with compassion I'm very grateful it means a lot.

We ALL have that backbone.

You may look at me now, thinking i've got it all sussed... but when it all fell apart it was a very different Hissy.

With the help of MN, I put one foot in front of the other, gradually overcame the loss of my ex, my family too as a result (turns out they wanted me to stay in the bad relationship, cos it made them feel better about themselves).

I overcame the agoraphobia the whole thing had left me with, and over 6m learned that it was OK to look into people's faces, and talk to the male of the species.

Backbone? I had nothing! I'm not going to say that if I could get through that, given how sad/low/awful my lot, then you have no excuse, because it doesn't work like that.

My story would affect you more than it affects me. We minimise our own history, we recoil in horror at the stories of others. Your posts have my blood running cold.

You are worth more than the person you've been fashioned to be.

You deserve better, your children deserve better. You deserve to belly laugh, to love, to feel joy.

Sometimes it's easier if events are extreme, it's harder to make waves if it's onlu just bearable.

Mine left, thinking i'd beg him to stay. The hardest thing i'd ever done was to let him go.

I can't tell you how my life has changed for the good.

You are worth more than this.

Please don't put up and shut up. It's such a waste of your life to be anything else other than fulfilled and happy.

I'm not telling you to do a thing now, all you need to do is think about how your life is, and ask yourself, if it never got any better than this. Would that be ok?

Question yourself, your life, everything.