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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with DH's expectations

35 replies

SmallTorch · 28/08/2013 11:31

I am on maternity leave this summer holiday and i have a baby going through a really niggly week. I don't know why. He won't lie down or play with anything in his chair, it has been hard work. Yesterday I took DS1 out, only to a little garden centre with animals, and DS2 cried in his pram almost constantly if we ever stopped. I felt really drained by the end of it. I didn't enjoy it and DS1 was not able to enjoy it properly either.
So today I thought we would stay in. I could just hold DS2 and put a film on for DS1.
Sorry this is long and boring!
Anyway, DH asked before work what we were up to, he said it isn't fair to be so boring for DS1. And that he wished I would make more of an effort in the holidays. I said I found yesterday really hard and could he not leave me to decide for myself what i can cope with, and he said he was allowed to have feelings and express them. I find this hard to argue against because yes of course he is allowed feelings, but they hurt when they seem to be all about my failures. Are they really feelings? It isnt a feeling effecting him, just an opinion. Does anyone understand what I mean?
I said I was finding this week difficult, with the baby and he said yes he was used to hearing about MY feelings. I am finding it hard and I am tired. I feel like it is being thrown back in my face.

I don't know why I am posting, i feel so stuck, like he sees me as not doing a good job, and there's nobody I can talk about this sort of thing with.
Am I being a failure? How do I tell? Other people probably don't struggle so much as I am. I can't be someone else, can I? I am feeling sad. When i had just one baby I could do what was best for him every day. It is difficult sometimes to please both. I have tried to do fun things most days.

OP posts:
CharityFunDay · 28/08/2013 11:36

Your DH hasn't a clue. Clear off for the weekend and leave him with the grizzler and your bored DS1 and see what he has to say about childminding when you get back.

AnythingNotEverything · 28/08/2013 11:38

I think you're doing the best you can in challenging circumstances. I also think you're doing a good job. You don't say how old the DC are, but whatever the ages, they don't need constant day trips and stimulation.

Are there any underlying reasons why your husband is being so unsupportive?

He does have a right to an opinion, but you're a grown up, and deserve to be treated as one.

Could you have a good chat about working together as a team?

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/08/2013 11:40

I'm not totally sure how to reply - the distinction between feelings and opinion probably isn't at the core of the problem, its more that he is criticising how you are doing what is at the moment kind of your job - a way to frame it to him would be that you wouldn't criticise how he does his job, but would listen and be sympathetic if he was having a hard week at work, and that is what you are expecting from him too.

He is entitled to an opinion (as well as feelings) about how his son spends his holiday days BUT he is being unrealistic - on Saturday and / or Sunday offer to go out and leave him alone with both children, in order to help him understand the constraints a baby having a hard week puts on giving the older child fun filled and exciting days. Once your DH has done 2 full days alone with both children, point out that you will happily listen to his feelings about it :o (Obviously you may have to express or pop in briefly to BF if you are doing so, but don't hang about once the feed is done :o )

He is being unreasonable because he doesn't understand the realities of the current situation, and that is true in parallel with him being fully entitled to both feelings and opinions about how his children spend their days.

I'm guessing your DS1 may not have minded a DVD and duvet day with mummy anyway :)

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/08/2013 11:43

When I had just one baby I could barely get out of the house during the day.

You found it easy.

So yes, we are all different. We find different things hard and other things easy.

You are doing fine. You are doing your best.

No child needs outings every single day. Sometimes it does them good to have a quiet day at home to just potter and make their own fun.

Your husband is being a colossal ARSE.

Just because you are on maternity leave does not make him your boss.

You are you own person, your maternity leave is for you to spend as you see fit. and it is not his business to tell you what to do all day.

What kind of person has "feelings" they need to express about how another adult spends their time?

A controlling, bossy wanker, that's who.

I know you are feeling beaten down by everything, but I think a few well-chosen and firm words about how you will not accept being spoken to as though you are a nanny he is paying to look after his children is called for here.

GobbySadcase · 28/08/2013 11:46

Well if he was my DH this weekend he'd be taking DS1 out for a fun, stimulating day. With DS2 in tow.

I'd be sitting down with feet up eating chocolate, having a bath, chilling.

See how he likes them apples.

Iwasagnome · 28/08/2013 11:47

Compromise,go out somewhere easy--library?but dont go for too long. Then you can big it up a bit to DH and everyones happy!!
Ds1 can get him to read him lots of books too

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes · 28/08/2013 11:48

Hi OP,

Where did your DH take ds1 last weekend so he had an interesting day? Where is he planning to take the kids this weekend?

Iwasagnome · 28/08/2013 11:49

But do stand up to him and say firmly that it is not always as easy as it looks--children are not always cooperative and compliant and perhaps he would like to try it?

NatashaBee · 28/08/2013 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frazzled1772 · 28/08/2013 11:50

Hiya - you're doing fine. With more than one child you have to prioritize the needs of them both, you can't always meet both of their needs simultaneously. As for your DH "feelings" - he had a thought, which he shared. But you can choose to trust his judgement or your own about the situation - you also know your own limits which is essential, especially with a young baby. You're doing fine. It's nice to be at home some days.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/08/2013 11:55

"Make sure you let him know if the activity he chooses isn't stimulating or exciting enough."

:o

Absolutely.

Original poster
SmallTorch · 28/08/2013 13:40

DH plays sport one day every weekend through the summrer, and the other day we tend to visit family.So I can't think when I would say he could take them for a day out. He had never had both of the boys alone unless I had got DS2 asleep and went to the corner shop. He does take DS1 out but he hasn't really done much with DS2 at all so far now I think about it.

I feel sad to be criticized, and now I feel bad and guilty and confused about my plan for the day. When before I didn't! I am doing what I planned, the duvet day, but now I feel guilty about it.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/08/2013 13:44

So presumably you'll get 3 months of Saturdays to yourself in the Autumn?

How about you don't bother with the family visit this weekend and give your husband an opportunity to spend time with his sons?

aftermay · 28/08/2013 13:46

Your DH could drop his Saturday sport occasionally to spend stimulating times with his DCs.

You don't need to big up any activity you do. You're not 'accountable' to your DH. You're doing what you can. No need to feel guilty. You're a grown up doing a difficult job and deserve your DH's respect.

NatashaBee · 28/08/2013 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ruralninja · 28/08/2013 13:48

just a thought, perhaps he is feeling guilty about how little time he spends with them and is projecting on to you? Might be worth asking him that one - his response might tell you a lot.

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes · 28/08/2013 13:56

Why am I not surprised by your post, OP?

Rural - good thought.

SweetBabyCheeses · 28/08/2013 13:59

I would be tempted to sit back on the weekend and tell him to show you how it's done if it's so easy. I don't think people understand how draining and hard and wearing it is to have a toddler and a baby, especially if the baby is narky.

Follow him around taking notes in a note pad and asking helpful questions like "How long do you let DS howl the house down for when you take DS to the toilet?" "What do you expect to do with the children when you want to pee?"

I am also wondering where your time off is during the week? Do you get any time to yourself?

You sound like you're doing a great job and you're making the best of a bad week.

Original poster
SmallTorch · 28/08/2013 14:11

I guess visiting family is when I get a regular break, because my mum and MIL are both more hands on than DH is, but it isn't time for me, it's time when I am able to focus more on one child because the other is taken care of, which is a rest really, and I appreciate it, but it's not time alone or time completely off childcare, or a break from responsibility altogether.

DH has his good points, but with this attitude I really feel he is looking at me like I am a lazy loser, a bad mum, and I hate that.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/08/2013 14:14

There's only one lazy loser and bad parent in your home.

Hint: it's not you.

SweetBabyCheeses · 28/08/2013 14:19

Can you get your family visiting done on the day he plays sport? Get the families to visit you in your house? That way you have help and then a day that you can spend together as a family. If he's rarely home to see the day-to-day work it can be with a toddler and a baby, he has no clue how hard it can be.

I'm not making excuses for him by the way, I think he's a huge prat!

Longdistance · 28/08/2013 14:20

Don't fore warn him on Saturday morning.

Hand him the boys.

Run out the door.

Switch phone off.

And disappear for some me time.

He can spend some time with his boys, and see what stimulating activities he can come up with.

It's all about consistency. You can't go out every single day to do stuff.

Phineyj · 28/08/2013 14:29

He seems to have confused you with a nanny/childminder.

I think playing sport every weekend is unreasonable when your children are this young. He could play one Sat, then you get the next Sat to do what you want.

purrpurr · 28/08/2013 14:30

I think you need a great big hug and your DH needs a reality check.

My DH occasionally makes condescending remarks about the fact that our DD is not stimulated enough during the week, or laughing in kind of a mean way that it must be exciting for me to be out of the house, but I recognise that he's just being a patronising fucknugget. It pretty much rolls off my back. The thing is, I know my DH really has no chuffing idea just how bloody full on and hard work it is being a SAHP, so his judgements are almost irrelevant. He's allowed to have an opinion, it is his child too, but he sure as shit ain't allowed to criticise and upset me.

Tell your DH he's being a berk and book some time off, Op. Real child free time off. Perhaps you could start going to an exercise class one night a week, or book club or similar. Somewhere where your phone will be on silent. Take back time for you in a regular weekly slot that is non negotiable. You are doing a great job and you deserve the chance to relax properly on a regular basis.

Sorry for all the bad language btw but I got so cross on your behalf Op. Someone needs to give you a cuddle and tell you you're doing great, ASAP.

GogoGobo · 28/08/2013 14:34

My BIL did this to SIL when she was on Mat Leaveand now when she is home on a Friday w the kids. He is a grade A twat. His career is flat lining and he needs to feel superior so quite literally acts like the CEO of the house! It is dreadful when one person devalues another's endeavours. Childcare can be monotonous and really exhausting at times and he clearly doesn't get that. I agree with other posters, he needs to do a few stints on own and he might be a little less "disappointed" in future.

By the way, BIL and SIL have become a miserable marriage, sex free, respect free zone! All his doing I feel.