Struggling with DH's expectations

[SmallTorch]

I am on maternity leave this summer holiday and i have a baby going through a really niggly week. I don't know why. He won't lie down or play with anything in his chair, it has been hard work. Yesterday I took DS1 out, only to a little garden centre with animals, and DS2 cried in his pram almost constantly if we ever stopped. I felt really drained by the end of it. I didn't enjoy it and DS1 was not able to enjoy it properly either.
So today I thought we would stay in. I could just hold DS2 and put a film on for DS1.
Sorry this is long and boring!
Anyway, DH asked before work what we were up to, he said it isn't fair to be so boring for DS1. And that he wished I would make more of an effort in the holidays. I said I found yesterday really hard and could he not leave me to decide for myself what i can cope with, and he said he was allowed to have feelings and express them. I find this hard to argue against because yes of course he is allowed feelings, but they hurt when they seem to be all about my failures. Are they really feelings? It isnt a feeling effecting him, just an opinion. Does anyone understand what I mean?
I said I was finding this week difficult, with the baby and he said yes he was used to hearing about MY feelings. I am finding it hard and I am tired. I feel like it is being thrown back in my face.

I don't know why I am posting, i feel so stuck, like he sees me as not doing a good job, and there's nobody I can talk about this sort of thing with.
Am I being a failure? How do I tell? Other people probably don't struggle so much as I am. I can't be someone else, can I? I am feeling sad. When i had just one baby I could do what was best for him every day. It is difficult sometimes to please both. I have tried to do fun things most days.

OP tell him that until he has cared for both children for two consecutive days he has no right to an opinion or "feelings" about what you are doing. So to be fair let's arrange a weekend (this one or next?) where he is going to do all of the caring for two whole days starting at 8.00am on Saturday and finishing ta 5.00pm on Sunday.

Then, and only then is he allowed an opinion. Oh and visiting family is not acceptable he needs to entertain both children by himself and not offload onto others.

As for you - if you can afford it book into a hotel for a spa break or if not, maybe visit a friend or family member?

He sounds at best stupid and naïve and at worst an utter twat who needs to learn a thing or two.

Whatever you decide to do you need to be assertive about this as you sound like you are doing a terrific job and don't deserve to have your confidence knocked. x

It's interesting your DH is so fond of sport because he's an 'armchair quarterback'. It's time to give him his chance on the field of play. Arrange some non-negotiable activities for two evenings a week.

In your shoes I'd say "you know dh I had a serious think about what you said this morning and I think it's really unfair of me not to listen to you. So on Sunday you'll have both kids for the entire day while I do some lazing about research on how to be better. And you can tell me all about your fabulous stimulating day when you get home."

What would do you think he would say if you tried to have a serious chat to him about this?

Cheeky bugger.

He has the nerve to leave the children with you six days a week, and then criticise you for it?

Nip it in the bud now, OP and stand up for yourself. It's bloody hard work, and you can only do the best you can, like the rest of us.

He does need to do full care on his own. Get them fed, diapered, dressed on his own. Pack the diaper bag. Get them into car seats. Drive to whatever stimulating place he likes. Petting farm? Nice. Get them out of car seats, baby into pram, toddler runs off. Baby cries. Keeps crying. Toddler runs off again. Stop for lunch that he has packed. Toddler whines and throws sandwich on floor. Baby screams. Both kids screaming now so he goes home early. When you return home about six, you can query him about his day, criticize the fact he came home right after lunch.

Since he has never taken care of both, he does not know what the hell he is talking about.

Well when you get your one day a weekend off in the winter then I'm sure you'll enjoy watching him juggle the boys.

I think that instead of visiting family this weekend you should have a day "playing sport" or having a bubble bath if you prefer of course!

I think kids love to have quiet time at home anyway. So enjoy your time at home. The odd trip here and there is good, but not every day or even every other day. Its just not necessary.

I too, think your dh needs to give up some of his sport and look after the two ds each Saturday and Sunday so you can get on with other jobs. When he has had a stimulating day with them, fed and bathed them for a few weekends, then he can think whether or not he is reasonable to expect you to do it the other 5 days a week with out problems. Or perhaps he should take some leave in the holidays and do the stimulating trips himself?

I too think he must be feeling as if he is the bad parent and he is projecting that onto you. He is probably jealous of how well you are doing.

Even If you left them with him for a day at the weekend, I bet a Pound to a penny he would palm them off to his mother anyway.

It also sounds as if he is more focused on DS1 and his needs - he looks after him rather than DS2, he mustn't get bored, etc. As well as all the excellent ideas above re getting him to care for both, it might be worth reminding him that you now have 2 children; firstborn's life changes massively when secondborn arrives, and they simply can't have the 1:1 parental attention they had before - but in due course that is compensated for by having a sibling.

Ohhhh riiiiiiiiight.
He's criticising you for doing something he won't do himself.
That figures...