How often do you see your parents?

[pacific407]

I was hoping for a bit of a sanity check because I'm screwing myself up over something (quite trivial) to do with my parents.
Bit of background - until I had my DS 2 years ago I used to see my parents maybe 3 or 4 times per year. I have always had quite a good relationship with them I suppose, but at times my relationship with my mum has been difficult, and my dad had affairs and their relationship is a bit weird and unfortunately my brother and I got caught up in that a bit when we were teenagers. The upshot is, I was very independent, lived my own life etc and saw them only occasionally for Christmas and family events.
Now I have my DS, and they are more demanding. I feel like I spend my life managing their expectations about how often they can come and stay. In addition, my dad has changed jobs and is now based much closer to us, so he has got into the habit of coming over about once a week to stay the night.
I find this all very weird and stressful - I really like doing my own thing and need my space, so suddenly finding myself with my dad staying every week is difficult.
But, he is a very difficult man to talk to. He gets defensive at any perceived criticism/slight, and I dread raising the subject with him. So before I do, I wanted to know how often people generally see their parents when they are adults?! It sounds like a weird question and I know it is likely to vary from person to person, but do people feel obligated to see their parents a certain amount now that they have children? How do you all manage your parents' expectations as regards access to grandchildren? Should I just be putting up and shutting up and recognising that my dad is an important person in my DS's life so he should be able to see him whenever he wants?

Thanks everyone!

I see my mum maybe once a week. Maybe more if I go shopping in her place of work.

My dad lives in his home country. He moved back in June and I will be seeing him for the first time since tomorrow. He only let me know he was coming over last night. He will probably stay for an hour if that.

When he lived here I didn't see him much anyway.

I wouldn't put up with what you are. I couldn't cope with either of my parents staying a nights week. It isn't necessary.

I see my DM once or twice a week,and my df once every couple of months. I had to be firm and put some boundaries in place with DM though, as she was 'popping in' unannounced nearly every day! Could not cope with anyone staying over. Could you suggest to your df that once a month would suit you all better, or he can visit once a week but he has to go home before bedtime?

How close is he living, and why does he have to spend the night?

If up to 1 hour's drive, he could well visit maybe once a month and for half a day.

I'd probably start saying some weeks that it's not convenient and drop contact slowly rather than a big conversation (coward).

Or start visiting him instead, and keep it just for a couple of hours.

I don't see my parents regularly.
They live very close now and have grandchildren at theirs at least once a week, for lunch or for an afternoon.

Sometimes I pop in for a visit, or have dinner, but never more than once a week.

Twice a week.. Feel obliged a lot of the time as she gets annoyed it is not more often. I have reduced contact .. Ie. no key etc. she never visits me. It is all on her terms. Sad really, feel guilty it is not more but we don't have a friendship type of relationship.

Also, my DM is likely to be very difficult too. She sees criticism in everything, so it took me nearly 2 years to get round to talking to her about needing space. Surprisingly, she was very approachable. If your df is sulky/angry, just remember that how he chooses to react is HIS responsibility, not yours, and you don't need to 'make it better'. He'll get over it in a couple of days.

I am due a baby soon and she is already angry the hospital have evening only visiting hours ! How long until I I'll see my grandchild .. She said. Hope it isn't the start of more difficulties.

It is a big jump for you from once a month to an overnight visit from your father. I don't know how you can get around this?

Christmas, about 5 family birthday/celebration events a year, plus a long weekend family holiday and 2 overnight family trips. Plus maybe a handful of popping in to give me something type visits.

I live a mile away from them (partly due to my concern for their genuine issues, esp in future, and partly due to my caving in to guilt tripping from mother) but see them no more than if I lived an hour away. I don't really want to see them more as they are v difficult, but it infuriates me that after basically begging me not to move away, mother doesn't actually want to see me much. She just likes knowing I'm there.

But then she's like that.

OP - this may not be helpful but I read your post very wistfully. I lived in a different country from my parents for many years, and both have now passed away. I miss them so much, and so wish my DC could know the joy of grandparents. This is not intended as a guilt-trip. It's a passing-on of what you know years later when it's all too late: they're your parents, your children's grandparents... make the very most of what's good and try to ignore the bad. It's a special, precious relationship, however flawed and wanting.

I don't know what that means for how often you should see your Dad - just wanted to offer that perspective on things.

Good luck with sorting it all out.

Thanks everyone! Situation complicated a bit because he's banned from driving at the moment - I think this is why I'm now getting stressed about it. Before he was banned he could come for a few hours and then go back (about an hour away). Now he can't really do that, so he has to stay. Which is fine occasionally.
Cracking idea about me seeing him. I'm not working at the moment so I could maybe suggest occasionally popping over to see him for a few hours, although that isn't ideal because that's a 2 hour drive altogether.

anotetofollowso, this is part of the reason I'm stressed - I'm conscious that I should be grateful that my parents are around (and I am), but they brought me up to be independent and lead my own life, and I don't think it's fair for them to turn the tables because they now have a grandson and want to see him more often!

Notmoreschoolholidays you're absolutely right, of course. But I've always struggled with confrontation and with people being annoyed at me, even if I'm not in the wrong. I need to get over this issue but it's always easier said than done. It's actually just helpful to see that other people seem to appreciate where I'm coming from!

oh, and mrspaddy yikes! That's all you need, stress when you've just given birth!!

How often you see them should be how often you want to see them. No hard and fast rules. Obviously they like to see their grandkids, nothing wrong with that, but they should respect your wishes, not insist on their own or moan when you don't 'play ball'. As for your father staying once a week, that's wrong. Occasionally, maybe, but not regularly. As for parents, or in laws, who just 'pop in' or even let themselves in to DIL's home, don't have it! My ex husband used to do that to our DIL and she hated it. I had to have firm words with my son (who hates confrontations) to get ex to stop doing this. DIL very grateful to me!

I seem my mum and dad every single day unfortunately they have both passed away now

My mum is dead but that still doesn't make me wish I'd seen her every other day whilst she was alive even though she was lovely.
I didn't start seeing assorted relatives more often just because I had children. I still had a right to my life and privacy.
If you feel the amount of time you see your dad is too much then cut it down. i don't think it's healthy for grandparents lives to revolve around their younger relatives. If he's at a loose end then he needs to join some clubs/ get a hobby not just visit you as a way of passing the time.

It's a very personal thing, and varies enormously. It depends on so many things (personality, practicality, the nature of the relationship).

For example, I see my Mum (my Dad's dead) a few times a week and speak to her every day, but she is elderly and needs some help. My dh hasn't seen his Dad for 4 years as he lives in the US, and he sees his Mum once a year as she can't be assed with anything more frequent. Huge variation.

The most important thing is to keep it to a level that you're happy with.

See my parents at least once a month, same with PILs. Sometimes more often (especially if they are babysitting DD), sometimes might be 5/6 weeks if its holiday times, etc. Speak to them weekly by phone, but in contact more frequently through texts and FB. Have a good relationship with my parents and inlaws. They live about 45-50 minutes away (both sets).

I see my mum at least once a week. she lives 4 miles away. dad is dead.

I think a lot of it depends how geographically close you are to your parents,.mine are a good 8 hr car journey away so a e see them poss 3-4 times a year tho they rarely visit me.....they are active people in their 60s just find train journeys boring! I LOVE long car journeys with a fed up 4 yr old!?!?!

I see my mum once every one or two weeks depending on how busy she is with work. Since having DS I see my dad every couple of months, before that it was only two or three times a year. With my in laws we see MIL the same as my mum and FIL maybe once a month. It has increased since my DS came along with everyone wanting to see us much more frequently as before. We see each other when it's mutually convenient and we would all hate to impose on each other. Nobody would be welcome to sleep over at my house on a weekly basis, and if they tried they would be told it just wasn't on.

It really is very personal - there's no right or wrong.
When my parents were alive, I'd pop in 3 or 4 times a week - but it would be that, a 'pop in' maybe just to deliver some shopping or maybe for Mum to keep an eye on the dc when I had a dentist appt or something, or maybe just for a cuppa. Brief but regular.
dh's parents OTOH, live about 1/2 hour a way, and it's more formally arranged visits, but now we only go about once every couple of months - it's not really practical to expect all my dc to sit there in their front room 'chatting' for several hours when they've all got other commitments.
Growing up (when my Grandparents lived about 3 hours away) she'd come and stay, or we'd go and stay about 3 times a year, for about 5 days at a time.
There's no 'right or wrong' about it, just what suits the individuals involved.

i see mine maybe 3 or 4 times a week, soemtimes its only an hour other times it can be all day - just depends what we both have on but no hard and fast rules. if they are out they sometimes drop by or we drop by if we are out. the days i dont see my parents we normally talk on the phone for a bit.

i would miss them both very much if they werent here.

I dont understand people who think people dropping by unannounced is a bad thing - i dont know anyone who announces they are coming. life is more interesting when its not planned.

twice a year - we are in different countries.
call them once a week

they can be very stifling so I am happy with this and wish it wasn't such a chore. if they had been less demanding it would be nice to call when I want and need to chat, not every monday at 7pm type thing as you won't call another time as you know even if you said everything the day before you would still need to call monday at 7pm
rolls eyes

I see mine about 3-4 times a year. We live hundreds of miles apart and now they are too old to travel to me so it's down to me to see them- and that's a 5 hr drive usually.
I'd like to see them more but it's hard when work is happening and it's a bit far to drive there one day and back the next. I expect though in the near future to see them more often.

In your shoes I'd be quite open about how you feel put upon and make a stand- once a week is a bit much unless you have issued the invitation which it doesn't seem as if you have.

I think you need a frank yet kindly chat with your dad about how it impinges on your life- and if your mum can help by talking to him then all the better.

Never..................... mine are both dead and while I wasn't close to my father and don't miss him, I miss my mum every day and wish she was still here and I could turn back time and take back all the rows we had, and the time we spent not speaking. She is dead 4 years now and most every day I think of her and talk to her.
There are so many things I'd like to tell her or share with her and so many things she has missed.
Although we fell out a lot when I was younger as we got older we developed a more adult relationship and it was a good one.
I wish I had her back even for an hour, don't take the people in your life for granted folks, they may not be here tomorrow

used to every school hols up until last year. i expect it to be once a year i cant afford it, within the uk its too much in petrol and accomodation costs i could go across the world for that money.

queenoftarts that advice wont hit home until person loses one of their parents, ppl just blank it out or think theyre invincible. i know how you feel my mum passed away 3 years ago now, i also long for my mum in the same way as you life stinks sometimes.