A bit of sound advice please - fed up

[auntymabel]

I'm having a bit of a problem with dh at the moment - it's the fact that he does almost nothing in the house and treats it a bit like a hotel. For example, I've been asking him for most of the week to clean the floor as he is often here when me and ds are out (or I'm at work) and it's much easier to do when ds isn't around. I came home from work yesterday and he still hadn't done it. When I asked why he said, "because I've just finished the dishes". He had been home a couple of hours before I'd come in, so obviously just got off the sofa to wash up before I came in. BTW these were his dishes from the night before which I'd left because I couldn't be arsed. Then he just sat there and read his book and played with his mobile phone while I cleaned the floor and tidied up the rest of the front room.

Tonight I came home (he'd already been home 3 hours) and the breakfast things were still in the kitchen plus washing up from his tea he'd just had (didn't make me any BTW), plus pyjamas on floor from this morning and general stuff lying about (It's always a bit of a rush in a morning for me to sort ds out and get to work). I asked him to clear up while I played football with ds outside. Of course he didn't do anything. I came in then with ds, gave him a bath, milk and biscuit etc etc the usual evening routine, then read ds a story and put him to bed. DH is still sat in the same place now as he was when I came home from work at 5.30pm. I've ended up doing the washing up and tidying up myself. Maybe I should leave it, which I have done in the past, but it stays there for days and this is a very small house with no room to leave things about. I'm not sure if I'm just being a doormat or what? Honest opinions please. I do have some theories about why he's like this but maybe I'll get to those later... don't want to bore you all any more. I'm totally cheesed off with the situation. It's a very boring story isn't it, and quite common I suspect. What's to be done? Any easy answers? I suspect not. TIA.

have you talked to him about it auntymabel? i know it's difficult to tackle this subject in a non-nagging manner, but he really does need to pull his weight doesn't he!

he sounds a lot like several students I used to share a house with!

I don't blame you for being cheesed off. I've had similar issues with dp in the past (though not as bad, by the sounds of it). I found the only way to change things is to have a big talk and bargain, rther than nagging all the time. He may not like the idea, but if you point out that the alternative is nagging all the time he won't have much choice.

BTW I say "bargain" with him even though it sounds like it's him who needs to get off his arse because, again, that's the only thing that's ever worked for me.

hope that helps. Sorry I'm not very coherent today!

Did his Mum run round after him?

I have talked to him lots of times. Yes, you're right about the nagging - and that's exactly what he tells me! I try to tell him in a straightforward way that we need to share responsibility for jobs in the house. I don't ask him to wash or iron anymore I've given up on those things! He's so untidy as well (not that I'm the tidiest person in the world) but I end up picking up after him all the time. He had a bath on Monday night and his clothes are still in the bathroom because I haven't picked them up. He went away for a few days a couple of weeks ago and his bag is still on the bed in the spare room with his stuff in! What more can I say! I go along for so long like this and then I blow up and it comes to the point where he says he can't take the nagging and he's going to leave. I just don't have the guts to say "go then" and I'm not sure it's what I really want anyway. I just can't go on like this. I feel like he really takes me for granted.

does he agree that the responsibility should be shared?

I honestly think that men don't see mess in the same way as women do, they can be staring at a floor that is in our female eyes dirty and in their male eyes it seems "fine"

I have the opposite problem to you, as in I'm the untidy person and dp is the tidy one who works all day then has to cook dinner even though I've been at home all day with ds.

If friends/family are due over at the weekend or in the evening it's dp who cleans up for their arrival as he does it better and more quickly than me, yes sometimes I feel guilty about my inability to clean and tidy effectivly (after all is that not what I should be doing at home all day?). Then I think pah to that and lucky old me.

My dp would know exactly where your comming from though

hth

auntymabel - i would not stand for it especially as you're working too. The theory of just leaving it until he gets the hint sounds like a good idea but i think in reality will just create more work for yourself as you try to clear the backlog once it becomes apparent that he has no intention to! I don't think it is doing you any good building up all this frustration because what could be sorted out by a sit down and chat could, if not dealt with, begin to build up into a really big problem between the two of you leading to a really big break down of communication. Could you try to sit him down and explain how working, being a muma and then having to do all the chores is really too much work? maybe he is too thick skinned to see this and sees the jobs getting done and presumes you're coping fine? it's best to sit down and discuss things like this rather than lashing out once you get to boiling point because he's sat doing nothing. My husband needs a bit of prompting but if i make it clear that it has to be done otherwise it means me doing it/rushing around to do it then he does get off his bum and do it! Surely he should want to see you relax a bit and try to lighten your load for you?! I would sit down and make it abundantly clear that you are not happy with the way things are. Good luck

I do the laundry though and clean the bathroom but that's it all the rest of the household jobs are his.

We have a sock fairy in our house (just ask dp) who picks his socks up washes them and puts them back in his draw

Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate them and I'm obviously not on my own. Senorapostrophe - no, his mum did not run around after him - she left him with his dad and brother when he was 12 - very sad story actually. I can see that in that situation nobody probably cleaned up! From what he's told me they only washed up when they ran out of things. BTW he's told me not to get any light coloured curtains for the lounge because they go all discoloured in his experience. I said that's because nobody ever washed them! He was serious too!

Spacemonkey - he doesn't answer me. Just sits there staring straight ahead.

jenie - it is true that some people are more or less sensitive to mess, but everyone can see clothes all over the floor etc as mess. DP has a much lower mess threshold than me, as it happens (causing some arguments, but mostly sarcy comments) - men not "seeing" mess is no excuse.

poor you AM i think that's unbelievably disrespectful

what about writing him a letter - perhaps it would be easier to explain the situation to him without it sounding naggy?

Just another thought, have you thought about writing a list of what you do and what he does just so that he's got in there in black and white right in front of him to prove just how little he does. Maybe if he saw in his column eg 'work' and then a huge list of chores in your column (list everything from cleaning loos to mopping floor) it might cross his mind to think 'f**k, she does loads!'. If not then say you'll stop nagging/bringing things to his attention as long as he realises that from now on you'll do your stuff and your sons eg ironing, cooking etc and he look after himself then maybe he'll realise just how much effort it takes to keep the house going

SP - intresting theory, I can't live with dirty clothes on the floor (we have 3 laundry baskets so there should never be a reason for this) and I also notice as soon as theres a toothpaste mark on the basin but as for the rest of the house...........

do you think he would be willing to accept a list of chores which would always be his responsibility? the list to be agreed by negotiation of course

Sunshine - I have tried to talk to him but get no response. Our relationship overall is not good at the moment. We did not know each other very well at all when I got pregnant but we decided to make a go of it. He's an ok sort of bloke, just a lazy arse in the house. He moved quite a long way to be with me and did well to find a job (he has no qualifications). He now has a steady, fairly decent job which he works hard at. He often comes home and falls asleep on the sofa. I just don't think he gets the fact that I'm tired too.

We don't have sex very often, I'm too knackered and I'm scared of getting pregnant. Contraception is another issue. We have condoms but stupidly don't always use them, so that's another area I need to sort out. Surely we need to discuss that together? But he doesn't like talking about "those sort of things". I think this is why he does nothing because he his trying to get back at me for the lack of sex. He doesn't hassle me for it but I can feel the pressure if you know what I mean. I sometimes wish we'd never got together but when you're pregnant and need someone there, this is what happens.

A letter might be an idea - hadn't thought of that. To do a list of what I do and what he does - I think he'll just see that as another form of nagging. I feel stupid because I know that people have much more serious issues than this but it's dragging me down. I do think about going it alone but something always stops me (the fear and the sense of failure - I've always been the one in the family that doesn't fit the mould). I was married before and he cheated and then left me and this doesn't really compare to how I felt then - I used to feel physically sick a lot of the time. Now I just feel used and knackered. Talking to a brick wall is extremely frustrating and puts my blood pressure right up.

am - if he's refusing to talk, perhaps Relate might be an idea?

I've suggested counselling before but he doesn't see why we should talk to anyone else about our relationship. I seriously thinks he can't see the problem at all. Does anyone think the sex thing has something to do with it or am I way off the mark? It's only occurred to me recently that this might be part of the problem because he hasn't always been this bad. I did say to him tonight that I thought he was trying to get at me because we didn't have sex very often and he just chuckled to himself. He makes me so angry.

Hi am, your DH sounds just like mine except that my Dh's mum did pick up after him (and his father). I blame her for most of his bad habits. To answer your question though, it doesn't sound like sex is related - it seems more like what others have mentioned here. Your Dh just doesn't see the need to pick up and clean because he's probably used to the mess from the way he grew up. He just has different priorities. It sounds like he has good intentions and is just tired. Maybe your expectations for cleanliness are much higher than his. Is there any way you can lower your standards - and just make sure that the environment is hygienic, despite the fact that it may seem a tip to you?

I don't think its related to sex at all. It's just he knows if he discusses it he will end up doing some more housework, so he refuses to talk.

I agree about having different standards, but what does he expect to happen to the clothes he leaves on the floor? Can you pick the one thing that annoys you the most and ask him to do that?

It sounds like there's an overall breakdown in communication going on here to me. Is there any way you could engineer a night out together - go for a meal or something - to give you a chance to talk, away from your everyday environment? You need to open up the channels of communication here or you're not going to get anywhere.

Also, do sort out the contraception situation - it sounds like another pregnancy is not what you need at the moment AM.

pick up his clothes and dump them all in a bin. don't wash them.
clear away his dishes but dont wash them.
dont cook him any more meals.
you are not being a doormat, you are being a slave.
if he is depressed or lazy or disrespectful to you then try to detach yourself from reacting negatively and getting stressed yourself.
if he refuses to change then divorce him for unreasonable behaviour.

Thanks - that's interesting. Maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick about the sex thing then. I definitely think we have different priorities - that's for sure but all I want is for him to share the day to day things and pick up after himself. I don't think he does see the mess so maybe I am a bit hard on him sometimes. It's just hard when I have to sort ds out all the time as well. Surely he should be chipping in a bit more? As regards the clothes on the floor - he will probably leave them there until he runs out of his work uniform then he'll probably wear some of them again as he won't have anything clean because they'll be scattered about the bedroom and bathroom. I'm not joking - in fact I find it really embarrassing to admit that! I don't really think my standards are that high - my mum used to say I was a bit of a scruffy beggar when I lived at home and my bedroom was a pig sty. I have improved now of course but I'm certainly no "Mrs Houseproud"! I will try picking one thing to ask him to do but I'll have to wait a while now until he's talking to me again! Thanks again.

AM - yes he should be chipping in more because his lack of effort around the house is making you unhappy, and as your husband, he should be concerned for your happiness and wellbeing. It's as simple as that IMO!