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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A bit of sound advice please - fed up

44 replies

auntymabel · 12/02/2004 20:30

I'm having a bit of a problem with dh at the moment - it's the fact that he does almost nothing in the house and treats it a bit like a hotel. For example, I've been asking him for most of the week to clean the floor as he is often here when me and ds are out (or I'm at work) and it's much easier to do when ds isn't around. I came home from work yesterday and he still hadn't done it. When I asked why he said, "because I've just finished the dishes". He had been home a couple of hours before I'd come in, so obviously just got off the sofa to wash up before I came in. BTW these were his dishes from the night before which I'd left because I couldn't be arsed. Then he just sat there and read his book and played with his mobile phone while I cleaned the floor and tidied up the rest of the front room.

Tonight I came home (he'd already been home 3 hours) and the breakfast things were still in the kitchen plus washing up from his tea he'd just had (didn't make me any BTW), plus pyjamas on floor from this morning and general stuff lying about (It's always a bit of a rush in a morning for me to sort ds out and get to work). I asked him to clear up while I played football with ds outside. Of course he didn't do anything. I came in then with ds, gave him a bath, milk and biscuit etc etc the usual evening routine, then read ds a story and put him to bed. DH is still sat in the same place now as he was when I came home from work at 5.30pm. I've ended up doing the washing up and tidying up myself. Maybe I should leave it, which I have done in the past, but it stays there for days and this is a very small house with no room to leave things about. I'm not sure if I'm just being a doormat or what? Honest opinions please. I do have some theories about why he's like this but maybe I'll get to those later... don't want to bore you all any more. I'm totally cheesed off with the situation. It's a very boring story isn't it, and quite common I suspect. What's to be done? Any easy answers? I suspect not. TIA.

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Original poster

auntymabel · 12/02/2004 22:29

Thanks Norma - seriously, they are good suggestions. I feel I am at the point of doing those things. One thing I can't stand though is arguing in front of ds. Dh knows this and will shout and swear in front of him to wind me up, so I end up backing down just to shut him up. What do other people do? If I wait till ds is in bed I just get the silent treatment. What a bloody predicament. I know it will seem trivial to some people. The communication problem is a big issue, I know. I am willing to talk without accusing and nagging but when I try I get nowhere. I'm on the verge of telling him to go but would I cope and what if I regretted it later? I just feel inclined to carry on but I know it won't go away.

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Original poster

auntymabel · 12/02/2004 22:31

Spacemonkey - yes he should be. Maybe I am missing the obvious point that he doesn't really care.

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spacemonkey · 12/02/2004 22:35

He's certainly acting as if he doesn't care, but that doesn't mean he really feels that way deep down. It's a matter of finding some way of getting through to him and finding out what the problem is. He should be willing to listen to you and take your feelings seriously AM - was he always like this or is it a recent thing?

aloha · 12/02/2004 22:41

In your situation, if it's at all possible, I would get a cleaner and pay for it myself. I work from home, have (theoretically) more free time here than dh but I HATE cleaning and if my dh nagged me about floors, I would divorce him (honestly, I would) so we have a cleaner for 2 1/2 hours a week, so if the floors look vile on Wed, we both know that on Friday they will be cleaned. I hate housework and I bet your dh is the same. I'd rather have floors I had to wade through than clean them. I know, I'm a slut, but that's me. It's not just a man thing. cleaners cost £5 - £7 per hour and I think are worth every penny to the dual earner household where partners have different standards of cleanliness. Luckily my dh is a slob to match my sluttishness (but we do have a nice house, honest!)

aloha · 12/02/2004 22:47

TBH, I haven't read all the posts on this thread, but I am v untidy and horrid in that way, and dh used to resent the fact that I didn't wash up - ever. But then my reasoning was that if it was up to me, I'd happily have a bowl of microwaved peas for supper (a la my single days) and I found the mess caused by cooking a meal that dh wanted totally excessive. Now we have a dishwasher (and aforementioned cleaner) and it improves things no end. I don't mind mess and I don't mind grime (really MI and SofiaAmes will tell you my house really isn't a vile pit, I hope) but I can't stand housework. It depresses the hell out of me, and dh is no better so we share a tidy when guests are due and we pay a cleaner. It really is worth it if it's remotely possible. It could save your marriage...

spacemonkey · 12/02/2004 22:48

OK - hiring a cleaner would solve the problem of the housework getting done (and AM getting exhausted by doing it all), but it won't solve the problem of AM's DH treating her in this utterly disrespectful manner - surely that's the real problem here?

Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, it just makes my blood boil that he's acting this way!

Original poster

auntymabel · 12/02/2004 22:49

He wasn't like this when we first met - but then that's often then case when you are getting to know someone. While I was pregnant we were generally ok but just after ds was born 2½ years ago, his mum was diagnosed with cancer and she died six months later. There were obviously a lot of issues about his mum and him leaving her when he was young etc. He has talked to me about this but I don't feel like it's all come out. He did get very depressed at this time, understandably, and walked out of his job. He was on anti-depressants for a short time and almost went for counselling but backed out. He does admit to bottling things up that are bothering him because he says he does not want to worry me. Usually these are money worries - we have a few of those at the moment! But I feel like we should be in it together and share problems. He doesn't see it that way - he has the old fashioned view that he should be the breadwinner and be able to provide for us to live comfortably but that's not the way things are and I enjoy my job anyway. It keeps me sane .

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bloss · 12/02/2004 22:50

Message withdrawn

Original poster

auntymabel · 12/02/2004 23:00

Bloss - you're right, there are no end of issues here. I think this is just how it shows itself day to day. I would love to have a decent conversation with him and be sensible about it but it just seems as if he's ready for an argument every time I raise the subject of our relationship. It seems to me like he thinks if we just muddle on it will all sort itself out. But I don't just want to muddle on. As regards arguing in front of ds, I think that yes, he does know it winds me up but also he doesn't think it is a problem for him to do this. I don't think he has seen very positive examples of relationships in his life and that is the stem of the problem. TBH if I hadn't got pregnant I doubt we would have got together - we do sometimes have a nice time as a family and get on ok it's just the muddling on I can't stand. I just went downstairs and asked him, "do you care?". He actually answered me and said, "yes, of course I do". Maybe we are just too different. It's a whole big bloody mess.

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bobthebaby · 12/02/2004 23:00

I second Aloha, I'd get a cleaner and see if you still have a problem. Then if you have, you can tackle your problems without you sounding petty and nagging for bringing up the cleaning.

I'm more concerned about why he lay around rather than go outside and play football with his family.

Original poster

auntymabel · 12/02/2004 23:02

He wouldn't come outside and play football with us because he was still in a mood about the floor business yesterday. I can't stand that - I would never not play with ds because I'd had a fall out with dh.

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Original poster

auntymabel · 12/02/2004 23:04

We can't afford a cleaner at the moment but finances should be improved in a few months, so if we last that long it sounds like a fantastic idea!

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2babies · 12/02/2004 23:17

AM, you've got some great advice here, but if at all possible, since it's nearly impossible to change him, perhaps you can just try to ignore the clothes, etc. - just pile it up in the corner, and again, just focus on those things that are necessary to keep you and your DS environment healthy. I know how these things can really get to you, as it used to drive me crazy, but I decided to try to ignore the things that didn't really affect me - for example, it's not a reflection of you and doesn't affect you or your DS if your DH wears smelly uniforms over and over because he doesn't clean up after himself. KWIM? I agree with the others though that you and your DH really need to work on communication - a common problem with all couples.

Original poster

auntymabel · 12/02/2004 23:25

Thanks 2babies. You're right - some great advice. I will be re-reading this thread tomorrow when I'm less tired. I feel much better just for getting it off my chest. I'll definitely sleep better tonight now!

Thanks everyone - you've been great . I've taken your comments and suggestions seriously and will try and put some of them into practice. Will let you know how I go on.

Auntymabel xxx

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Original poster

auntymabel · 12/02/2004 23:26

PS I'm starting now by piling the clothes in the bathroom down by the side of the toilet . At least if he misses the pot, it won't go on the carpet! Disgusting, I know

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2babies · 13/02/2004 02:47

you go girl!

Clarinet60 · 13/02/2004 11:05

That's a good idea auntymabel. FWIW, I don't think a cleaner would solve it anyway- what he needs is a maid to pick up after him. I don't think 'men not seeing dirt' cuts much ice really. When you enter into a relationship, you agree to live in a different way from when you were single, and this includes basic tidyness. There are things I'd like to do that would irritate my DH - so I don't do them. If we split up, I'd do them again, but you have to display some courtesy and respect within a relationship, which your (and mine!) DH is not doing. When you said you aren't the most houseproud person on the planet, that really struck a chord, because neither am I, yet DH still makes me feel like a fussing old washer-woman.

One thing to think about is that when ds gets older, he will notice you doing all the picking up and DH doing all the sitting around, so he'll have to mend his ways before long.

A long post, but I think a few weeks of ignoring his laundry and pots might go a long way - let us know.

aloha · 13/02/2004 11:20

As I said, I didn't read the whole thread, but yes, the other issues do sound more important. I think housework is much less important than being a good father to your ds (ie doing the bath, reading stories, playing football) and being respectful to you. He does sound neither use nor ornament atm. It's up to you I think whether you think this relationship can be improved. Would he consider couples counselling?

kiwisbird · 13/02/2004 11:26

I do pretty much all the hosuework in our house, DP will do it if asked or help out at the w/e, he does clear up if I've cooked and will unload the dishwasher in the mornings, but as he works and I don't (hee hee life is so easy with 2 kids right)
I am happy to do the most as it allows me to stay at homewith my kids.
If you really want to give hima fright get booked into hospital for a few nights or make yourself absent and let him do it all at hoem for three days.Or go on strike totally
This gives them respect back in big style...

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