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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was this completely passive aggressive or am I overreacting?

32 replies

Wannabuyawatch · 27/08/2013 16:51

I have been married to DH for 8 years and we have 2 DSs and one on the way. In general he is a loving and loyal husband but has his ups and downs. I feel that lately he is becoming more and more controlling and passive aggressive. He has a real habit of stonewalling - getting cross about something and then refusing to speak to me for several days.
He says it is just so I will leave him alone and for him to calm down, but I feel it is a form of control and punishment. I tend to go after him too much and try and force a resolution. I realise this is a big mistake, and if I give him some space, it usually helps.
Yesterday, my SIL and her daughter were visiting us and we were all sitting in the kitchen chatting. Completely and utterly out of the blue he started refusing to answer me. Just literally ignored everything I was saying for about 15 minutes. Spoke to everyone else apart from me.
I quickly got very wound up and shouty - saying "Where on earth has this come from"? "Why won´t you speak to me??" and felt very stupid in front of his family. It was just bizarre.
I stomped off and then came back in floods of tears, and making rather a scene in front of his family.
He responded by talking to me as if I was the craziest person on earth. What was my problem, I was totally out of control, he was so embarrassed by me etc.
I just found this really psychotic and deliberately provocative, he seems to intimate that it was all a bit of a joke.
Any ideas?

OP posts:
Boomba · 27/08/2013 16:56

Wow, id say he was abusive...but this is the first sign in 8 years?

how did his family react?

curiousgeorge1 · 27/08/2013 16:57

Hi I dont think you were over reacting, my husband ignores me too. In front of people and when were alone. He blamed it on my hearing problem for years but then I started to think now this is game playing. My sister and friend and sisters boyfriend have all witnessed and said he has heard me but just completely ignores me. He sounds moody, a bit like my husband, I sympathise.

Mabelface · 27/08/2013 16:58

yes. he's a twat. id be telling him to change how he treats you or he can fuck off to his parents to live

hellsbellsmelons · 27/08/2013 16:58

Do you have family or friends around who you could go to?
Next time he does it, leave the house with the kids straight away.
My ex did this when we first got together. It didn't take him long to realise that he doesn't get away with it.
You are absolutely right in your thought process though.
It is a type of abuse and a not very nice one.
Ignore him next time and leave him to think about how he is behaving.
Have there been any other signs of late?
Is he protective of his phone? Out at work longer than previously?
Just wondering what has brought it all on really.
But don't put up with it.
It has to stop or it will just get worse - nip in the bud now!

ageofgrandillusion · 27/08/2013 17:04

You must have done something which annoyed him otherwise this thread makes no sense. Context please.

JustinBsMum · 27/08/2013 17:14

Perhaps he is jealous of how well you hit it off with SIL and feels left out, so has his version of a tantrum which is a way of putting you down.

Walkacrossthesand · 27/08/2013 17:20

I think I'd say to SIL or whoever else is present 'it seems (H) has decided to ignore me, he does this sometimes - does he do it to you, too?' ie talk about him as if he's not there. After all, he's treating you as if you're not there!

SirRaymondClench · 27/08/2013 17:41

Age why does the Op have to have done something to have made him act like a twat and ignore her?

Original poster
Wannabuyawatch · 27/08/2013 17:43

Walkacrossthesand what a brilliant idea. No, it was really out of the blue. I think it was a bit of game playing, like a child wanting a pointless reaction. If I was wise I would have just sighed and walked away but of course I was totally sucked in. He was pushing my buttons like a toddler pushing a parent. Very childish and I think showing off in front of his family.
The infuriating thing though was his reaction afterwards; completely flabbergasted that I got wound up and completely incapable of seeing that it was him that provoked the whole pointless situation. Just focusing on my reaction. It drives me mad when he won´t accept responsibility for things....

OP posts:
Mabelface · 27/08/2013 17:58

he knows exactly what he's doing.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 27/08/2013 18:18

Manipulative and controlling. This is what EA looks like, with a side order of gaslighting.

Red flags, OP .

Hissy · 27/08/2013 19:32

Right!

You're calm now? Good!

Tell him, in your best cool calm voice that you've been thinking and he needs to get out of your home for a while.

There is no alternative, he just has to go. If he doesn't you'll divorce him.

You may divorce him anyway, but for now he needs to get out.

Then refuse to talk to him.

Until he leaves.

He's an abusive man, he's ramping this up and it will only get worse. Take control now.

Flicktheswitch · 27/08/2013 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 27/08/2013 20:08

How did his family react when they witnessed him ignoring you?

FairPhyllis · 27/08/2013 20:37

Emotional abuse. He knows exactly what he's doing, and he's testing you to see exactly how badly he can get away with treating you. Is this really the first thing like this in 8 years though?

Earthworms · 27/08/2013 20:43

Abusive nob

He knows exactly what he is doing. Right down to the portending not to get why you are upset. Nasty and controlling with a side order of fucking smug twat.

Don't get sucked in. Rise above and call his bluff. He sounds like Like an out of control toddler.

verytellytubby · 27/08/2013 20:56

Arsehole.

Contrarian78 · 28/08/2013 16:19

He's in the wrong here. I'm like that slightly (Mr. Grumpy Pants) but Ialways tell my wife when I do it (i.e. I've got the arseache, please give me a minute/hour - never longer). There's much to be said to letting someone 'sulk it out' as long as they don't take the piss with it.

CailinDana · 28/08/2013 16:44

My mum's a random sulker. Except with me because I just pretend that I don't notice she's sulking which makes her look like a total weirdo idiot.
She does it because she has the emotional age of about 12 and can't actually talk about what's bothering her. Tough luck I say, it doesn't excuse her from being an adult.

Don't react. If he's just doing it for a reaction then he'll ramp it up and then you'll need to consider whether the relationship is worth it.

Original poster
Wannabuyawatch · 30/08/2013 13:38

I know that the answer is not to react - if I just ignore him and happily get on with my life, he gets over it fast. The problem is, I am pregnant and on bed rest in a pretty difficult high risk pregnancy. There have been 2 instances of him losing his temper and stonewalling me lately, and I am not dealing with it well at all.
I am getting hugely over emotional and needy and appalled that he can do this to me when I have been through so much. I am completely trapped and can´t even walk down the road to clear my head.
He has been very attentive for the first 4 months, but when he loses his temper, he turns into a child.
I then turn into a needy nightmare, following him around trying to force him to resolve things. This time, his stonewalling has gone on for 6 days. It´s a horrible cycle and I just don´t have the strength to rise above it at the moment...

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/08/2013 13:46

How did his family react when they witnessed him ignoring you?

ihearsounds · 30/08/2013 13:46

Why should you rise above it though?
Why should you walk around on egg shells?
Why should you follow him around wanting attention?

If he respected you, you wouldn't be feeling the way you do. He wouldn't be stonewalling and gas lighting you. He has no respect for you. It is time for him to live somewhere else. He will never change, actually I take that back, he might change but for the worse. Take control now and tell him enough is enough, goodbye.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2013 13:55

This is at heart about power and control. He wants absolute.

My guess is as well this is not the first time but you have become conditioned to it. Also abuse like he is showing is insidious in its onset and often not noticed by the victim or alternatively downplayed.

My guess is as well he does not get so angry with others outside the home; he is reserving all of this behaviour for you. He also knows that you are heavily pregnant and thus vulnerable, what a nasty piece of work he is.

Abusers too are quite plausible to those in the outside world.

You do not have to rise above it or live with it as your children are also doing. What do you think they're seeing here?.

They are learning from the two of you as to how relationships are conducted, is this really the role model you want to be showing them?. Your sons are learning how to behave potentially like their Dad; he is showing them that men behave like this towards their woman.

Your children won't thank you either for staying with him; he could all too easily turn on one of them as well.

auntpetunia · 30/08/2013 22:07

Surely his family said something to back you up about his appalling behaviour? If not they are all very weird!

Squitten · 30/08/2013 22:12

What on earth did his relatives say when they witnessed this?