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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to leave

40 replies

Learnyourabc · 26/08/2013 23:28

I jus don't know how.
I've nc for this and there's a tonne I could write but here's the main bits.

We have been together 7 years and have dd 3 years.
the last year or so has just been fucking awful. He resents the fact that I'm a sahm and don't contribute financially to rent and bills ect. I get 20 paid into my bank per week which is family allowance. This HAS to last a week and if i doesnt it tough shit till next week basically, out of this I need to buy food for all 3 of us for the week, toiletries for me and dd and anything else she needs. everyday he tells me in useless and pathetic for not working and relying on family allowance to feed dd This hurts more than all the names he calls me.
I have no friends to talk to, he says its because I'm fat and ugly and an embarrassment to been seen with.
He constantly puts me down and makes me feel like shit.
I have been having a lot of panic attacks lately he mimics the same sounds and laughs at me along with been verbally abusive towards me.
I only have to look at him the wrong way for the name calling to start. That then spirals physically with him throwing plates ect at me or kicking and spitting at me.
There have been a few occasion s when dd has heard him scream names at me and he just laughs and calls me pathetic
I knew I am stupid for staying this long but seriously didn't know how I could leave with literally £20 in my bank and nowhere to go.
So please anyone go any advice in the first step out.

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 26/08/2013 23:32

It's financial abuse, apart from anything else! Call women's aid, they can help you. Good luck!

theboutiquemummy · 26/08/2013 23:44

Women's Aid please get help x

InTheRedCorner · 26/08/2013 23:47

Are you married, mortgage or name on an tenant agreement?

Where is the CB being paid into?

Lweji · 26/08/2013 23:48

Yes to WA.

If he kicks you, throws plates around and spits around, you can call the police and have him removed.

Would it be possible for you to get a job at all?

Lweji · 26/08/2013 23:49

Do you have family or friends you could go to?

MamaTo3Boys · 26/08/2013 23:56

Defo go to womens aid. They helped me out loads! Helped organise an "escape plan" for me and 2 DCs, gave me somewhere to stay, helped with all the legal stuff and helped me to be re-housed. Even went through court with me to get a non molestation order coz the prick wouldn't leave me alone.

Contacting womens aid was the best thing I ever did in regards to that relationship (apart from my 2 beautiful DSs obv)

Original poster
Learnyourabc · 26/08/2013 23:58

Intheredcorner-we private rent its all in his name. I am not on the tenant agreement. We are not married.
The tax credits get paid into his account along with his wages.
Family allowance comes to my account. His money is his money, my money is mine.

If the police come will they involve ss at all.
I desperately want a job but I cannot face people/rejection at the minute. I know that sounds stupid but that's just how I feel at the minute Hmm

Will the women's aid Number show on the phone bill?

OP posts:
MamaTo3Boys · 27/08/2013 00:06

Not sure about it appearing on the phone bill :/ I used a PAYG phone and deleted the call list.

They'll never ring you though, just in case hes around, they'll wait for you to ring them when it's safe to do so.

I had SS involved due to the violence. But once they were happy that I was doing everything I could to stay away from xp they left me alone. Totally closed the case. They were more to help ensure myself and the children were safe. SS actually helped out a lot. They backed me up in court when he wanted access, they had meetings with housing providers and got me pushed up the list etc

anonnymousey · 27/08/2013 00:09

ASAP just take dc and go stay with family for a few days, make a valid excuse but if you can sneakily pack papers like passports, certs etc then take them too, and get a meeting with a solicitor to see whether it is best to leave or change the locks on him. could be long haul if he is very fixed on hurting you so taking a break will give you head space, the main thing is stay safe, abuse can escalate incredibly quickly when escape is in sight. You are being abused. You can talk here (make sure you log in/out and change passwords, delete history, put lock on phone etc). you are not responsible for his behaviour. You must protect yourself and your child by getting out of this situation. Money is not the issue, you will get more than £20 a week to live off from the state until you get back on your feet. you will feel better every minute of freedom you have but this next bit is when you must be so careful. There is a lot of help on mn and at the shelters if you can't go to family.

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2013 00:10

You're absolutely right; you do have to go. This is as bad as I've seen on here; he's a pig and doesn't deserve five more minutes of your company.

Do whatever you can to get out. WA will definitely give you the support you need. Personally, I would take anything that could be sold, too. You are buying his food out of the child benefit, ffs! That is disgraceful - he should be ashamed of himself.

InTheRedCorner · 27/08/2013 00:13

Is Family allowance the same as child benifit?

We have 3 DC and our child benifit is £188 pm, do you get that paid into your own account plus the measly £20 a week?

Do you have any real life or family you can talk to and get help leaving?

I would get copies of his payslips, tax docs and anything else money and family related. Put it all together in a safe place with DC and your own birth certificates, records etc

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2013 00:14

Yes, you will be entitled to so much more than this if you leave. Do you realise he will have to pay maintenance? Do you realise that won't affect your benefits? If you Google "Entitled To" then you will see what you can have. It's here.

knickernicker · 27/08/2013 00:17

Can you use a payphone or friends phone number to ring women's aid? Please get out. You deserve a better life.

MamaTo3Boys · 27/08/2013 00:17

I'm a single mum on benefits. Mine will be a little different to yours as I have 3 DCs but its roughly

£140 per fortnight income support
£20 per week child benefit
£50-60 per week child tax credits

Housing and council tax benefits x

MamaTo3Boys · 27/08/2013 00:18

Plus whatever child maintenance you'll get if you decided to claim it x

Bogeyface · 27/08/2013 00:20

You can change the TC payments to your bank account, it is a joint claim so you are entitled to do that. If you do that and then leave at the crack of dawn (having checked online that the money is there) on the next payday then you will atleast have that money in your account.

Womens Aid will help you and as it is a freephone number it wont show up on a landline bill, but it will on a mobile so delete your call history.

C&P from the WA website

Will the number show up on my phone bill?
The Helpline number will not show up on BT landline phone bills. If you have another service provider you will need to check with their customer services team.

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2013 00:21

£63 pw for child tax credits

£71.70 income support

I put that you spent £100 pw on housing benefit - you would get all of that.

You would have to pay £4.75 for council tax

Child benefit £20.30

So you would get your rent paid (I'll try it at higher rates) and have about £150 pw left after paying for council tax.

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2013 00:22

OK I've tried it at £150 pw for rent and you still get it all paid.

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2013 00:33

I put in that you earned £100 pw for 16 hours and you would in addition be entitled to £74.69 in working tax credit (which would replace the income support.) So if you got a part time job you could keep that money and the income support would be replaced by working tax credit.

Others here will be able to tell you about nursery fees.

If you did work, you would have to pay £25 or so pw towards your housing if you are paying £150 pw for rent. I tried this on £100 pw rent and it was the same.

crazykat · 27/08/2013 00:37

Sweetheart you deserve so much better than him. So does your DD.

You should be getting tax credits as the main carer for your DD. Do you have someone you can stay with ? If not do as others have said and ring women's aid and make a plan to get away.

Try and gather things like passport, bank statements/cards, birth certificates for you and DD, national insurance details, child benefit/tax credit paperwork. Put it somewhere safe that he won't find it by accident.

Also try and put things that you wouldn't want to leave like baby photos of your DD as long as he won't notice them being moved.

If you have someone to stay with could you take an outfit or two in a changing bag / handbag and visit them and leave the clothes there? Not too much that he'll notice them gone to make him suspicious.

Original poster
Learnyourabc · 27/08/2013 00:37

Thank you all for the messages and advice, I working my way though them and I will definitely give women's aid a call tomorrow.
I don't have anyone in rl I could stay with or talk to, my friends started dwindling away slowly over the last few years.

He works full time on a decent wage and gets some money each week from working tax credits. I'm not entirely sure if thats what it's called or the exact amount as His statements Etc are well hidden from me.

OP posts:
InTheRedCorner · 27/08/2013 00:42

Spend tomorrow searching for the paper work and working out the money plus that call to women's aid.

Good luck and stick with us [smile[ we will help you out. Remember to delete your compute history before bed.

Original poster
Learnyourabc · 27/08/2013 00:44

Imperial & mama - thank you for taking the time to do the calculator thing for me. There would be no nursery fees to pay as dd starts her 16 hours next week.
Im just worried change at home and starting nursery within a couple of weeks of each other is going to be too much change at once. I know I have to do it now though for her. She deserves better

OP posts:
crazykat · 27/08/2013 00:47

Could you try contacting any of your old friends and telling them you need to leave him and could they help? It may be a long shot but if they've drifted away because of your partner they might help you.

If not, Women's Aid can help get you out. As he works full time it should make it a bit easier when you actually leave as he'll be out of the house for a decent amount of time for you to gather your things. Start now though if you can with important documents.

Where do you keep your suitcases if you have some? Would you be able to hide passports etc. in there or would he possibly go in them for some reason?

Bogeyface · 27/08/2013 00:53

The letters about tax credits are sent to both of you, so he has been hiding that from you (which is illegal).