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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have the book of datng rules but need a little help please :)

53 replies

gemsangels03 · 26/08/2013 20:13

Yes its true I have the book!! Although have never stuck by the rules. Iv been dating for about a year and lets just say Iv had some awful dates.
Iv joined a dating site and I met him, liked him (this happens very very rare) he seemed to like me and the next day he text to ask when free so I explained wed or fri so we organised for wed and on the morning he text and said he had a rugby injury that had flared up and couldnt drive to me so could I go to him instead (I went to him on the first date) I explained that it was impossible for a number of reasons but happy to reschedule and hope he feels better soon. He asked if I was free fri so I said yes and anged to meet early as he was gonna catch a train and leave early so I arranged a sitter and then he said about an hour before our date he would drive and I said ok so I drove too. I was ready to leave when he text and said hes gonna be half hour late so I waited then called him and he said sorry run into trouble will be there but later. He was 2 hours late but explained why and I was ok with it.
He didnt text when I got home so the next morning I text and said thanks for a lovely evening and he said welcome. Then later I text and asked how was his day etc he text and then I text a question and he answered the question the following day at 6pm and I thought what? Surely he had seen his phone before but I just answered his question and that was it nothing! Then today at 11am a text how was my weekend but there is no talk of another date. Am I thinking too much into it? Should I ask him? Is this normal? Im just not very good at dating so need some help please?? Before I make a complete plonker of myself (like in the past)

OP posts:

whitesugar · 26/08/2013 20:31

My gut instinct is that he is a plonker. Too many excuses too soon. Two hours late, I don't think so. I wouldn't ask him about another date but that is just me. I could be very wrong but I like men to do the running, at least in the early days. You deserve to be treated better and by that I mean by anyone, your girlfriend, your sister anyone really.

Original poster

gemsangels03 · 26/08/2013 20:48

My gut instinct too, although I could understand why he was late but yes I know what you mean. I just never know if Im expecting too much!

OP posts:

Pomegranatenoir · 26/08/2013 20:49

Could he be married?

Mumsyblouse · 26/08/2013 20:49

I think you need to reread the book:)

This guy seems, as whitesugar said, to have lots of excuses and isn't reliable and that's the first couple of dates.

I would wait and see what he suggests, perhaps give him one more chance to be interested and to show up on time, and if not, definitely swerve.

ConflictDodger · 26/08/2013 20:51

You need to read 'Why men love bitches'. It is a very funny book which will help get you out of the 'being nice' thing that can work against you when dating. By the way bitch is an acronym for 'Babe in total control of herself'. I can give it no higher praise than saying I wish I'd read it as a teenager and dodged some frogs!

Original poster

gemsangels03 · 26/08/2013 21:03

No Im pretty sure hes not married. Ha yes maybe I need to read for the fourth time :) its sooo hard when you like someone and dating as a single mum after being married for yonks is so so hard.
Oh I will look at that. Im trying to be really cool and act like I know what Im doing and the night he was late I was a little mad thinking Iv gone out of my way to get a sitter Im gonna still meet him, maybe I should of said forget it.
Do you think if he is acting this way hes not that in to me? Ha I have that book too? Or are some guys this way. He doesnt have kids and hes a busy guy etc??

OP posts:

akaWisey · 26/08/2013 21:23

I think you should read the rules again. Because you texted him first after the date you are now in the unfortunate position of not knowing if he really likes you or is just responding to your contact.

I'd stop all contact. See what happens. If he does like you he'll ask you out on another date and you will NOT travel to him next time, OK?

nkf · 26/08/2013 21:28

Read the Rules again. But, basically, don't text him. If he texts you, leave at least 24 hours before replying. Keep it brief. He sounds a bit sloppy though.

Original poster

gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 10:02

He text me first yesterday as the day before so last night I text him to ask if he had a good day and he didnt reply and still nothing this morning. I definitely wont go to him next time if there is one. The 24 hour rule, really? So I guess that means its ok for him to wait 24 hours to text me back cos thats what it seems like hes doing.
I just thought it was going to be easier than this, like when someone likes you, you feel it :(

OP posts:

nkf · 27/08/2013 11:33

And no, don't go to him. I can't remember the rules about standing up and lateness but I'm sure there are some. Are there other men online who are sending you messages?

Original poster

gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 11:43

There have been a couple but nobody that I would like to meet. I went on pof on and off for about 18 months and had quite a few messages daily but all the wrong kind. Had a few bad experiences on there. Im now on a paid site and there are very very few Im attracted to, the ones I am do not mail back. Iv been on there about 3 weeks and he was my first date. Nobody else on there no. Well I text him at 8pm last night and still nothing, already Im feeling like this guy isnt gonna be reliable and not only that lack of interest makes you feel a bit shitty.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 27/08/2013 12:41

You have not been doing the rules. Too much texting him.

He sounds like a timewaster. Stop all contact and see what happens.

VelvetSpoon · 27/08/2013 12:51

I can't do all the rules stuff, it seems too much like gameplaying and given I hate all that in men, it would feel wrong to me trying to do the same.

Taking 24 hours to reply to a text seems madness to me, how would you ever have a conversation?! I've been exchanging at least 30 texts a day with a guy for the last week - if I was leaving it 24 hours to reply every time it would have taken months to discuss anything!

I don't adhere to waiting to be texted etc but I do think (to an extent) that if a guy wants to contact you he will...I hope you do hear from him OP. This dating stuff isn't easy!

ALittleStranger · 27/08/2013 13:09

It sounds like he doesn't want another date. If he did he'd have asked you.

But why do you want another date after all that time wasting?

Next!

Original poster

gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 13:29

Im not very good at the rules to be honest as if it was the other way around it wouldnt be nice. I understand people are busy and sometimes texting can give a wrong kind of impression, better to chat in person but you have got to feel that the other person wants to at least respond to a text. Oh I feel like Im waffling :) it is sooooo difficult. It does sound like he doesnt want another date I guess but why tell me he did and he said a few things that made me feel like he really was interested. It feels like mix messages.
Hmm good question, why? I think it may be the fact that Iv never fancied anyone in my whole experience of dating well there was one guy but he wasnt interested. To be honest its a little scary thinking oh my god am I ever gonna meet anyone!!

OP posts:

blueshoes · 27/08/2013 13:46

Of course you will meet someone else. You won't if you waste time on blokes who aren't that interested in you. You cannot MAKE him interested, rules or no rules. If he is interested, he will find you and ask you out again.

The point of doing the Rules is so you don't over-invest with so much repeated texting. It requires you to hang back to ensure there is reciprocity before taking things forward. In the meantime, keep dating others and keeping busy.

blueshoes · 27/08/2013 13:49

A mixed message is not a positive message. You are only interested in positive messages and actions that follow.

Original poster

gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 13:56

This is true. I think if he was interested he would of at least returned my text. I dont understand why they cant just say how it is rather than leave me hanging. Thats the thing its always mixed, never actions to follow. I would never tell someone something without meaning it. Thanks for your help, I have now got to stop checking my phone every 10 minutes, and yes try and keep busy but that yucky feeling in my tummy wont go away. I wish I was stronger with rejection.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 27/08/2013 14:30

"I dont understand why they cant just say how it is rather than leave me hanging."

You never even met the man and even if you did, he does not owe you anything and vice versa. Everyone is brought up differently and has different motivations. It is impossible for you to try and decipher what it is and frankly you probably don't want to do. I think you will do well to protect yourself emotionally esp re: OD until it is very clearly a green light.

Before that, just keep on dating.

Original poster

gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 14:38

We did meet, but only twice.
Ok a green light, not sure I will ever know what a green light in dating is. I never get past a 2nd date!

OP posts:

PostBellumBugsy · 27/08/2013 14:40

Read "He's really not that into you if ......". It is very light hearted but with a serious message.
If he isn't texting you, isn't responding to calls & isn't asking you on the next date - he isn't that interested. Ditch & move on.

nkf · 27/08/2013 14:48

He is telling you what he thinks. He was late twice and he hasn't responded. You had one date. Get on with your life.

Original poster

gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 15:31

I have that book too :) see I probably already knew but wanted to hear it off here too. Ok I do think I need to move on now :(

OP posts:

newlifeforme · 27/08/2013 16:33

I think if you have to ask "is he interested?" The answer is No.

When a man is interested you know, he calls, he arranges dates, he texts to see how you are.Ditch this guy, think of it as practice.Focus on doing what you enjoy, plan dates with men as friendship only, you don't have to be attracted to someone to enjoy their company.I met dh after I had scheduled dates with lots of friends.I didn't need to do the rules as I was genuinely busy..I think my active life was attractive to dh.

Original poster

gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 16:41

Its definitely practice, as Iv had a few different experiences and I now have no idea what men actually want. Iv learnt to be easy going, not too pushy, do this do that on the first date. Be this be that. I feel I have alot to give and I think this is why I get so upset .
I do try to keep busy but not always easy when all your friends are settled down and have their own busy lives.
Thanks for all your advice though, it helps being on here. Being single is sometimes too lonely.

OP posts:

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