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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have the book of datng rules but need a little help please :)

53 replies

gemsangels03 · 26/08/2013 20:13

Yes its true I have the book!! Although have never stuck by the rules. Iv been dating for about a year and lets just say Iv had some awful dates.
Iv joined a dating site and I met him, liked him (this happens very very rare) he seemed to like me and the next day he text to ask when free so I explained wed or fri so we organised for wed and on the morning he text and said he had a rugby injury that had flared up and couldnt drive to me so could I go to him instead (I went to him on the first date) I explained that it was impossible for a number of reasons but happy to reschedule and hope he feels better soon. He asked if I was free fri so I said yes and anged to meet early as he was gonna catch a train and leave early so I arranged a sitter and then he said about an hour before our date he would drive and I said ok so I drove too. I was ready to leave when he text and said hes gonna be half hour late so I waited then called him and he said sorry run into trouble will be there but later. He was 2 hours late but explained why and I was ok with it.
He didnt text when I got home so the next morning I text and said thanks for a lovely evening and he said welcome. Then later I text and asked how was his day etc he text and then I text a question and he answered the question the following day at 6pm and I thought what? Surely he had seen his phone before but I just answered his question and that was it nothing! Then today at 11am a text how was my weekend but there is no talk of another date. Am I thinking too much into it? Should I ask him? Is this normal? Im just not very good at dating so need some help please?? Before I make a complete plonker of myself (like in the past)

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 27/08/2013 17:02

I think its hard not to take repeated rejection (especially when you never get any kind of 'reason') personally. Its something I have struggled with. I fully accept there will be instances where there is simply no spark, I think most people recognise those when they happen, but it's the dates that go well, if not brilliantly, after which you never hear from them, or you do and then contact tails off for no reason, which leave you thinking 'wtf was that about?!'

I have realised through several years of OD crap though that most men who are on sites don't want a relationship. They are either looking for an occasional hook-up (and once you sleep with them you'll never see them again, or if they don't get anywhere in the first couple of dates they'll move on to someone else) or else have such an idealised image of the woman they want no-one could possibly measure up.

Hence why the majority of first or second dates never get beyond that, because you're simply not on the same page. Most men who OD aren't nice, genuine, guys unfortunately. The nice ones out there are in the tiny minority and take some finding!

I rarely assume any bloke I encounter via OD is looking for a relationship, until proved otherwise. Similarly I don't trust much they say. Or place any store in how well we get on, how good a time we have together, or whether there seems to be chemistry, because so many men BS over this stuff that none of that is any indicator of whether it will go beyond date 1, 2 etc.

I do find it depressing having to be so cynical and negative about it all, it's not in my nature!

nkf · 27/08/2013 17:17

Perhaps you could not see it as rejection. You went on a date with a rather flaky guy and that's all. He didn't reject you. You weren't offering. It was just a date and he was of a pain when it came to time.

See more. Give the guys you aren't your type a chance. It's all words on a page and pixels until you actually meet anyway.

nkf · 27/08/2013 17:19

See more men. That's what I meant to write.

StarlightMcKenzie · 27/08/2013 17:25

Your OP. In fact the fact that you are posting at all imo means that you should avoid this guy.

You don't want a relationship that starts off with you neurotic due to the other person's behaviour. If he liked you as much as you deserve to be liked, you'd know.

gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 17:47

VelvetSpoon I can completely understand why so negative and your message actually makes me feel better as your probably correct. This is the thing I understand at times there may be no spark but when its an ongoing thing I question what is it? Every date I have become stronger but put up more barriers and become a little less positive of ever meeting anyone.
I have done the whole dont look too deep, dont think too deep. Dont listen to the line 'Your my last date, I no longer have to look' (this is what he actually said) Iv been cool, laid back, friendly, not too friendly not too laid back. Iv dated different types of guys.
nfk...made it pretty obvious I liked him and wanted to see him again. Saying that so did he. I guess your right I only text to see how his day had gone its not like I asked him out again to be rejected, but sure he knows I was very interested.

I sometimes want to give up but think Im never gonna meet anyone that way.
Well this morning I woke feeling shitty and after all your messages Im feeling alot better :)

OP posts:
gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 17:55

Ps Starlight. Yeah this is what I was kinda questioning, should I feel it. It all feels like a game sometimes :(

OP posts:
gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 20:39

He has just text me. Hm now I dont know what to do? Maybe I should just leave it now as he seems unreliable, or is this normal following the rules?

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 27/08/2013 20:45

text him back. No point letting a good shag go to waste! Just don't get caught up outside of that.

ALittleStranger · 27/08/2013 20:50

No point letting a good shag go to waste!

Mmm yes, because everything about this thread says the OP will be able to tolerate no strings messy sex with someone flaky.

VelvetSpoon · 27/08/2013 20:52

I'd text him back too, he may just be a bit rubbish at communication.

Equally he may be a gameplayer. So be on your guard a little, don't mention date 3. And if he mentions it, suggest somewhere near to you/ when suits you best, so he has to make some effort for a change!

nkf · 27/08/2013 21:05

Don't text for 24 hours. After Wednesday, don't be available at the weekend. And really, don't be available. Plan something. And next time, he has to travel to you. Meanwhile, go back online and start talking/messaging other people.

nkf · 27/08/2013 21:10

And don't make any suggestions.

gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 21:27

Ok I wont text tonight cos to be honest I feel a bit like he isnt making me feel too good and I will probably be waiting another 24 hours wondering will he wont he, its so silly. I will text him tomorrow. He didnt mention date number 3 in the text. I definitely wont make any suggestions.
Thanks guys :)

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 27/08/2013 21:29

Surely waiting 24 hours to respond to a text is not normal/required? Every type of communication has it's appropriate norms. Honestly, in all relationships, romantic or otherwise, succesful or not, I can't recall any time when 24 hours delay was normal? Unless the person you're texting is not the person you're occupied shagging.

nkf · 27/08/2013 21:32

It depends what the text says. If it says, "hi how are you?" why does that need a quick answer. If it says, "your house is on fire," then reply.

gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 21:35

I know people are busy but to drop someone a text is easy right? I think maybe I should just ignore the text? If he wants to date me he will ask. I dnt see any point dropping a text once a day.
I think you have all answered my question earlier on today, hes simply not that in to me!

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 27/08/2013 21:46

I don't get the 24 hour thing, maybe if I was texting someone who was always slow to reply (the man I was dating earlier this year could take a couple of days to reply to a text, but he wasn't much of a one for text chatting so would only text for a specific reason - to suggest a date, or making arrangments). Generally though if you are 'chatting' by text, delaying a response makes that impossible...

Gems I think if you want to text this guy tonight, or tomorrow, then do. But if your gut feeling now is that he's not for you, then do listen to it. There will be someone better for you out there :)

gemsangels03 · 27/08/2013 21:52

I do get the impression hes not much of a texting person which is fine but its the taking a whole day to respond and not arranging another date makes me feel a bit like hes not that interested which doesnt make me feel too good.
I always go with gut feelings but dating is soooo hard! Ok thanks for the advice and I do hope so VelvetSpoon :)

OP posts:
nkf · 27/08/2013 21:54

All the rules come down to the same thing - getting on with your life and not being easily available. What has this man ever done that the OP should be dashing off texts in response to his. Kept her waiting, that's what.

ALittleStranger · 27/08/2013 22:00

Waiting for 24 hours to respond to a "how's you?" just looks like you're trying to make a point. Either reply with something short curt, or more likely just leave it.

If I'm getting on with my life and not available I send fast but short texts. If I'm trying to impress I wait a couple of hours and then use correct syntax, wit and all that shit. I think these attempts to look laid back are pretty much known to all now!

Gem it's only hard if it's not working. When it is, it's easy.

wileycoyote · 27/08/2013 22:04

I'd wait till tomorrow morning and text him back. Do not suggest another date though - he should do that. Keep it breezy!

wileycoyote · 27/08/2013 22:06

I agree with your analysis of that text etiquette ALittleStranger. Seems true to me IME!

nkf · 27/08/2013 22:13

I'm sure the analysis is right. It's just when it's someone you fancy and you have hopes of, it's easy to make the text too important. Analysing what it means, the significance of a kiss at the end. Quick, daily contact with people you already have a relationsihip with is one thing. It's all part and parcel of the relationship. But, here, all they have is the text.

nkf · 27/08/2013 22:15

I mean this guy was two hours late! He said he would be half an hour and then she had to text to see where he was. And he was two hours late! I mean, shouldn't he be making it up to her? Shouldn't he be worrying that he's made such a bad impression, she might not want to know?

ALittleStranger · 27/08/2013 22:22

Of course he should, and the fact that he's not tells the OP he is not that keen (which she's recognised) and just stringing out texts pointlessly*, or he's unworthy.

*I do this sometimes. It feels rude to just ignore or explicitly say I'm not into you if not prompted, so I just meander along in a conversation, with non-committal answers and questions.