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Relationships

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Original poster

Babies before marriage

29 replies

Lettuce91 · 26/08/2013 15:34

Have a past history of depression but been fine for a couple of years up until the last couple of months. Me and my partner decided to start TTC so came off the pill in July and have had unprotected sex since.

Ever since I was a wee girl I have always wanted to meet the man of my dreams, get married and have children. I have always wanted to settle down from an early age and now finally found someone who wants the same except the marriage part. I've known this from the beginning and made it clear how important marriage is to me and that I wouldn't have a life where I don't get married (a bit selfish I know). I really do love my partner but now all of a sudden I've changed my mind, I want to get married before having a baby and I'm even starting to think that my partner isn't the one for me and I would be left a single parent. I'm really stressing out and I've just told him today that I want to go back on the pill and he's now really angry with me for getting his hopes up about having a baby.
I'm just so up and down, I think this could actually end us and I don't know what to do.

I'm quite literally changing my mind from one minute till the next. I was speaking to a woman in my work who is 48 and has no children and she says she had the opportunity at my age to try for a baby but kept putting it off and now it's too late for her and she wishes she had done it at the time.
I've started my pill again today and now wishing that I hadn't. I'm so confused.

OP posts:

pregnantpause · 26/08/2013 17:46

I don't really get it. Is marriage a definite requirement for your long lasting happiness? If it is then you have led this man on. He doesn't want marriage, I realise you told him that marriage is a must for you, but he responded, that for him it's not an option. You stayed with him, so presumably he felt actions speak louder and that the matter was rested. Why are you ttc with a man who doesn't want what you do? You're not compatible. I think that from your op, you need to really think about what you want and what is and isn't a deal breaker for you. You need to talk to your partner about this, and give him the opportunity to tell you his expectations and needs. Then decide if you are fundamentally 'right' for one and other. Give yourselves some time, and revisit the idea of a baby later. Ttc should not be a rash decision, it shouldn't be based on what someone else said about the age you 'should' have DC. I don't think it's fair to intentionally bring DC into an unhappy family.

HeySoulSister · 26/08/2013 17:50

you aren't a little girl anymore and this isn't Disney,its real life.

Yankeedoodlenic · 26/08/2013 17:52

Maybe you should seek some advice from a family member/friend/doctor/therapist - if you have a history of depression it may help to talk your thoughts through with someone. I think pregnantpause may have come across a little bit harsh - but I do agree, trying for a child should not be taken lightly.

However, that being said I think when you decide to make a life changing decision like having a baby you can often have second thoughts. I've been my with boyfriend for 4 years and after we decided to stop using birth control I often questioned if it was actually the right decision (we aren't married). As soon as I found out I was pregnant I was estatic but of course throughout the pregnancy I've wondered if we made the right decision! I think self doubt is only natural and having a bit of it is healthy.

As you've started your pill again maybe stay with it for a month or two while you have a serious think about what you want and whether or not your partner is right for you. I honestly think a close friend or trusted family member would probably be better to discuss your feelings with as they know you and your partner and can provide different perspectives.

extracrunchy · 26/08/2013 17:54

You do realise having a child with someone is a far FAR bigger commitment than marrying them??

I suspect this is more about the wedding than the marriage/commitment...

exoticfruits · 26/08/2013 17:57

The important thing is to sort out what you think/feel before you have a baby.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 26/08/2013 19:30

"You do realise having a child with someone is a far FAR bigger commitment than marrying them?? "

Having a child is a commitment to the child.

It is not a commitment to the other parent.

Original poster

Lettuce91 · 26/08/2013 20:05

Pregnantpause: when I told him at the beginning it meant so much to me he said he wouldn't rule it out, now he's back to saying never.
He does try to make out its to do with the cost for one day but I don't want a big wedding. I would have it any where with a £10 ring as long as its getting married to him and my mum and dad can be there.

Thanks yankeedoodlenic, I have been referred to a CPN so just waiting on my appointment for that. I know that if I was to be pregnant I would be over the moon but at the moment I just keep changing my mind which isn't fair on my boyfriend. The fact that I keep changing my mind sometimes makes me doubt that I want to really be with him even though I know deep down that I do if that makes sense. It's driving me crazy!

OP posts:

pregnantpause · 26/08/2013 20:47

Well depending on your plans after having a Baby getting married can be a very useful legally binding contract. You'll have seen on other threads the legal implications of marriage. If he's changing the goal posts that's not okay. If he's just a ditherer who doesn't like the idea, perhaps explain the legal practical implications, and that you're dream is a marriage not a wedding day.

perfectstorm · 26/08/2013 20:58

I'd never have a child without marriage. You have no legal recourse for the undeniable financial impact of childbearing and raising should he meet someone else and sod off/reveal himself to be an abusive partner. I never thought marriage mattered, and never planned to marry. Then I studied law at university, and realised that it is the single biggest - perhaps the only - means by which the primary carer of a child can protect their own and the child's financial future.

Too many women on here post when the guy is financially abusing them or treating them like crap otherwise or leaving for the OW, and they're an unmarried SAHM without their names on the deeds. And I always wish they had a time machine, frankly. Cohabitation is absolutely between the couple, and makes complete sense where either one aren't keen on the idea of wedlock, but where kids are involved I think you're risking their financial security as well as your own if you choose to have kids outside marriage.

ConflictDodger · 26/08/2013 20:59

OP marriage sounds like a deal breaker for you. If it is, don't compromise on it. It may seem old fashioned to some but for me it was essential. It's an act of faith and a statement of intent between me and DH - I am binding my life to yours. For me that was the only way I felt that there was a commitment to build a life together, including a family life. By the way, we're not religious people and we pretty much lived together beforehand - I know people sometimes assume that a commitment to marriage means a commitment to some kind of deity.

That said, if you have always known your DP didn't want to get married I can see why he is angry and upset. Can you have a talk and find out why he doesn't want to get married? Sometimes there is a fear thing. I felt it myself - there's something very 'grown up' about it. If he can be reassure things might work out but if he is adamant you need to decide what is more important to you.

QuintessentialOldDear · 26/08/2013 21:01

You want to have a child with a man who says he NEVER wants to marry you? Are you mad?

ConflictDodger · 26/08/2013 21:01

Sorry OP, just saw he has done a bit of goalpost moving of his own. If he can change his mind about getting married you can change your mind about having a child. I don't mean that to sound like point scoring. And I have to agree with Perfectstorm although I didn't want to sound harsh. I do think some women are foolish and don't protect themselves or their children, for the sake of being romantic or 'modern'.

maniclady · 26/08/2013 21:03

I think it's natural to be a little nervous and apprehensive about having a baby it's a big commitment and change. People talk about wedding jitters but I had much worse nerves during Ttc on two of my dc (third was a accident).

mmmuffins · 26/08/2013 21:09

I feel the same as you OP, to me marriage has always been a must before children. I want my children to grow up in a happy home with both parents. I think it is so important to thoroughly discuss your values and expectations to make sure they are the same, and then make a formal commitment to each other. On a less romantic note, I also want to be protected legally. I want to start with this solid foundation before bringing in the stress of having children!

A man who did not want to get married would instantly be on my "not compatible" list. Your DP seems to have misled you by saying he'd consider marriage at the beginning of your relationship. You need to have a very thorough talk with him. It would be much better for you two to admit you aren't right for each other now, however painful that might be, instead of after you have had a child together.

clam · 26/08/2013 21:17

How old are you? If you're quite young, then what's the rush?

ProphetOfDoom · 26/08/2013 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lettuce91 · 26/08/2013 22:37

Thanks very much for the responses and different points of view. I had never really thought of it from the legal perspective was mostly about the faith part and being old fashioned.
Sorry cant remember who asked what age I am but I'm 22, he is 30 and we've been together for 4 years.

Think I will just have to bite the bullet and have a serious conversation with him. Not looking forward to at as he seems to think when ever I bring it up its just for the sake of an argument!

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 26/08/2013 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 26/08/2013 23:03

I wouldn't have a baby with someone unwilling to marry me.
Plus - you're 22, no rush at all. Wait a bit until you are totally sure that he is fully committed.

If you can't talk to him now, when things are easy, don't have a baby yet, really. They are wonderful, but they also put a strain on the most committed relationships.

ConflictDodger · 26/08/2013 23:04

OP having just seen your age in the nicest possible way get a grip! You have loads of time to have children. Don't rush into this against your gut instinct. You can afford to have an honest chat with your DP and give him a bit of time to think things through. Please don't rush into things when you have your whole life ahead of you.

Original poster

Lettuce91 · 27/08/2013 16:38

Having been with him for 4 years it just seemed like the logical next step! But I suppose you are all right and would be best to put it off a while.

OP posts:

Contrarian78 · 27/08/2013 16:49

Does he have a reason for not wanting to marry? I know it's unlikely to be a popular point of view here, but I honestly can't see the point of getting married if you're not going to have children. Certainly I wouldn't have bothered.

If my girlfriend was prepared to bear my issue have my children, then it seemed to me that we ought to be married. Of course it's a ceremony whereby you publically declare your love for one another, but more than that - as has been stated above - it affords legal protection (on both sides).

Also, despite what people may say the evidence suggests that children born to married parents often have better life outcomes. I don't particulalrly know if that's true, but it's something to think about. For me personally, there was never any possibility that I wouldn't be married to the mother of my children.

Talk it over with your partner and try and better understand his objections. Arm yourself (but don't ambush him) with the facts around the legal protection that you would BOTH get. If having done that he concludes that the risk is too great (Men are potentially put at a greater disadvantage) then he's probably not someone you'd want to be having kids with.

Note also, that his reasons might be perfectly valid and you might decide you didn't care as muich as you thought you did.

blueshoes · 27/08/2013 16:54

You need to clear your head and put some distance between yourself and this man.

Your 48-year old colleague has a point but ONLY IF you are in your late 30s or 40s. At 22, you are just a baby and should still be exploring the world and finding yourself instead and working on your job or studies.

Fine to have a baby with a committed partner who puts his money where his mouth is and marries you. Very foolish otherwise but you already know that.

Kendodd · 27/08/2013 17:14

I'm sorry but I think calling the op a baby is a bit patronizing, what's wrong with wanting a baby at that age? She's 22 not 15. As long as she's in a position to have a baby, enough money, somewhere suitable to live, and (for me) a committed partner. Also isn't there some evidence that having a baby early on in your career is better in the long run than waiting until more established, in that it's easier to catch up/re-enter and the time you take out is low paid, not highly paid.

For what it's worth I don't think I would have a baby with somebody who wasn't willing to get married first.

blueshoes · 27/08/2013 17:46

Kendodd you are sounding a bit chippy. At 22, you barely know yourself. Having a baby restricts women's options greatly. Having a baby young with an uncommitted bloke is the epitome of foolishness especially where there is no ticking clock.

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