Babies before marriage

[Lettuce91]

Have a past history of depression but been fine for a couple of years up until the last couple of months. Me and my partner decided to start TTC so came off the pill in July and have had unprotected sex since.

Ever since I was a wee girl I have always wanted to meet the man of my dreams, get married and have children. I have always wanted to settle down from an early age and now finally found someone who wants the same except the marriage part. I've known this from the beginning and made it clear how important marriage is to me and that I wouldn't have a life where I don't get married (a bit selfish I know). I really do love my partner but now all of a sudden I've changed my mind, I want to get married before having a baby and I'm even starting to think that my partner isn't the one for me and I would be left a single parent. I'm really stressing out and I've just told him today that I want to go back on the pill and he's now really angry with me for getting his hopes up about having a baby.
I'm just so up and down, I think this could actually end us and I don't know what to do.

I'm quite literally changing my mind from one minute till the next. I was speaking to a woman in my work who is 48 and has no children and she says she had the opportunity at my age to try for a baby but kept putting it off and now it's too late for her and she wishes she had done it at the time.
I've started my pill again today and now wishing that I hadn't. I'm so confused.

Ok, so first of all STOP trying to have a baby when you obviously don't really know where you are in this relationship. It's not the best start to family life!

If marriage is what you really want, you would be very foolish to settle for less than that. You are REALLY young and have such a long time to find a man who wants the same things as you! Not everyone wants to be married for a variety of reasons but if it's something that is important to you, you should not accept any less.

Personally, I always wanted to be married before having children. Obviously there is the legal protection and clarity that it brings, but I also felt that it was the first step in committing to our family. If a man couldn't publicly commit himself to me for life, there's no way I would make the ultimate commitment of children with him. Marriages can end, of course, but at least I knew the intention is there and that's a good foundation for a family.

Keep taking your pills and have that chat with him!

OP go back on the pill and spend several years thinking about what you want.

You say it feels like the natural next step because you've been together for four years. This rings massive alarm bells for me. Four years is nothing, especially at your age. And it being the "next step" has to be one of the worst reasons to have a baby. You were emotionally still a child when you met this man, you've still got a lot of growing up to do. Possibly he does to, given his goal post moving.

And trust your instincts about the single mother fear. This man is not committed to you and is refusing to commit. This is not your last chance to have a baby so why not wait for something better, either within this relationship or more likely a new one.

I read so many posts on here why I wonder why on earth people had children in their circumstances. You are in a fortunate position not to have conceived yet. Don't blow it.

I can't tell you what you should think, but i can say that, if your relationship is this fragile, then you're right to balk at bringing a baby into it.

Hi OP. I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here from the older and wiser brigade - I think they are right, but I reckon it's probably been a bit hard for you to hear it. The point is though, marriage isn't really the issue - it's your compatibility with your partner that is. I don't personally think marriage matters if you're truly compatible with each other, but it doesn't matter what I think: you want to get married and your DP doesn't. If you can't agree on this, what else can't you agree on? When you get pg, you'll have a lot of decisions to make. You need to have the same life view or at least be able to work together to make a lot of huge choices for that child's life. It doesn't sound like you're ready and able to do that atm. Stay on the contraception until you've talked it out and worked out a way forward - and this cannot be rushed.