"Did you mean to be so rude?"

[LadyMud]

A friend is having a hard time with a Queen Bee type at church, and wants to distance herself from this woman.

The Mumsnet classic "Did you mean to be so rude?" will be very useful, and I've suggested "Do you actually need to know that, or are you just being nosy?".

Any other suggestions I can pass on? Thank you!

Trouble at church? Perhaps your friend could pray for guidance.

"What exactly do you mean by that" - have often been advised to use that one......

"I beg your pardon?"

Erm - that is a suggestion for what she could say, not a comment on this thread - I realised it looked a bitmoffmas soon as I hit spot.

...hit post. I'll give up now.

Jovellanos, she's already done that, and He told her to ask on Mumsnet

"That sounded a bit unkind, did you mean to be?".

"That was a bit sharp, are you feeling ok today?".

Why do you ask?

That could be considered offensive by someone more sensitive than myself

I think "did you mean to be so rude?" is actually a rubbish comeback. All it takes is for the other person to say "yes, actually I did" and where do you go from there?

I would laugh and say "wow you've got awful manners" and then just walk off still laughing with amazement at how anyone could be such an arse.

I'm a big fan of dropping the bombshell and then refusing to engage any further, they can't keep being rude and abusing you if you just refuse to engage any further can they?

Thank you - some useful ideas there!

And what about body language? Would you suggest things like gazing into the distance, instead of looking directly at her? And generally appearing distracted (eg "Sorry, I didn't catch that")?

Obviously she'll avoid QB whenever possible, but will still have some contact, both one-to-one and in groups.

I always find "with respect, I think you are being extremely rude" the 'with respect' implying no such thing at all.

Tell her to try laughing like it's the best joke ever, then say 'very funny' half under her breath, then very quickly change the subject and/or talk to someone else. Then come back and tell us how she got on :)

Bullies are shite. Christian bullies who behave now't like Christians are the worst.

Depends on what the 'queen bee' is doing to offend your friend?

I use, 'Please could you say that again' as it gives me chance to calm down and hopefully think of a witty and insightful comeback meanwhile it makes TheRudePerson either repeat the unpleasant thing they have just said, and hopefully realise it was rude, OR backtrack if they realise before the fated sentence comes out of their mouth again.

I am also a fan of 'how extraordinary', followed by a smile and wander off. It helps that I am a bit vague and dreamy anyway and can exaggerate that quality in times of stress (and stops me bursting into big soggy sobs)

Sparkly I think it's a great retort. People say things to fluster and upset and this comment takes back control. How often would somebody reply, "yes, I did mean to be rude" when they are sooo used to people jumping through their hoops?

How about,

'To me you often seem angry or troubled. Have you prayed for guidance? I am a firm believer in prayer. Perhaps (insert name of minister or priest) could help you.'

Then walk away.

"Bad manners"

When someone asks an intrusive question, I've always wanted to say: "A lot of people have asked me that and I always tell them to mind their own business"

An acquaintance once used it on me, and to be fair, I had asked a rude question.

Some excellent responses - thank you all so much!

Lougle, I don't want to go into detail, but it's essentially typical playground bullying:
Mocking her clothes and speech
Gossiping about personal details
Deliberately scaring her ("It was just a joke")

I can hardly believe this is happening at a church

The plan is to spend a few months trying to create a distance, otherwise my friend will look for another church.

I think it's a fine response if you're dealing with a like minded person, who could be shamed into being decent but how often does that happen? If they were fundamentally nice they wouldn't be being like that in the first place would they? Bullies aren't generally cowards and things don't always work out in the end. IME the only thing that works is confronting and a big row but we don't always want to go around doing that do we? I don't actually agree that it gives back control, I think it gives THEM control in that you are giving them an opening to have even more of a go at you. Better to make a statement and just TELL them they're rude imo.

I think I may actually start a thread asking if people have ever used it and what response they got. I am more than happy to be proved wrong.

Does she have a home group or some sort of pastoral leader she can discuss it with?

What you are describing isn't 'Queen Bee' activity, it's downright wrong.

Ok, no need for the capital letters Sparkly. I guess our experience differs. I've used similar, such as "wow, that sounded unkind" to good effect.

I emphasised two words in my post. I do apologise if that offended you but that certainly was not my intention, merely emphasising my points. Maybe I will just bold or italicise next time.

You're quite right, Lougle - I used the term Queen Bee in an attempt to show that she is a sort of informal "leader" in the church. Other people look up to her. I don't understand her problem with my lovely friend, but it might be jealousy.

CAPITALS . . . Bold . . . italics . . . without the help of "tone of voice" it's so easy to misunderstand each other, isn't it? Let's all have some or