Please help me to stop being such an idiot - married man

[idiotme]

I work with him, for a long time I didn't think of him like 'that' at all as we were both married and I didn't find him particularly attractive anyway. Somehow though over a period of a couple of years of working closely together (during which I had a messy divorce) it got to the stage where we'd built up a friendship that was a bit too close, he quite obviously flirted and could be quite suggestive. I naively told myself that I'd although I liked him, I'd never let anything happen as I didn't want to get involved with someone who was married but I think I'd already allowed myself to get sucked in and started to rely on the contact and attention.

Eventually after a work event we slept together - I was very drunk, he didn't force himself on me and I could have (and obviously should have) stopped it but I feel he did take his chance and slightly take advantage of the situation. Afterwards I told him I regretted it, he said he didn't and since then he's carried on as before, continued the flirting and makes comments that suggest he'd like it to happen again.

I've told him it's not going to happen again but the problem is I keep getting sucked in. I can keep my distance and keep it professional for a while but then if I spend any period of time with him he seems to be able to win me around and it goes back to the overly familiar/flirty stage (although nothing else physical has happened).

I know I'm being a fool to let him use me like this and to be doing this to his wife - he doesn't even make any secret of the fact that he just wants something on the side, he doesn't really pretend to particularly care about me and has never suggested that he's not happy with or doesn't love his wife.

If I'm honest with myself I know it's probably a self esteem thing and I just don't want to let go of the attention but I know I need to for my own sanity. What can I do to stop getting sucked in and put a proper stop to this? There's no way I can get out of working with him although I have stopped attending any events where drink is involved and avoid being alone with him.

I know this isn't the place for sympathy, with all the horrible stories of people being hurt by their husbands and people like me but I just need a good talking to to snap out of it and put a proper stop to this.

This guy is a prick.

1. For cheating on his wife and kids
2. For shagging someone at work

He has total disregard for your career, he doesn't respect you at all and sees you as an easy shag - with the added thrill of risk. He might even be boasting about it to those he can trust not to spill the beans. Cos i reckon he's a charmer like that. i know his type and they think they are famtastic. As someone said YOU are dispensable. Both at work and to him.

Nothing he 's told you about his wife is true. He's a liar and manipulator.

Get away. Quickly and if you can work wise move on.

Is that straight talking enough? Make no mistake he's the fucking twat here but you've grown up and wised up now and got the t shirt. No more married men.

good. i hope i'm making sense. i'm not trying to make anyone blameless but acknowledging different levels of responsibility.

if you are a parent and a spouse you have chosen to take on a lot of responsibility and you are being trusted to hold that in your hands. what you do with it will effect lives that you have chosen to put yourself in a position of guardianship over.

a woman will have some blame in that situation but there was never any responsibility in her hands unlike him.

to me it is exponentially different.

my husbands responsibility to me and my children (i'm not actually married just making a point) is exponentially greater than that of some random woman at work. she doesn't even know what colour hair i have perhaps let alone know that billy has nightmares about everybody dying in a car crash sometimes or cries at the end of ET every time. you know?

Don't entirely agree SAF. I couldn't even begin to persuade myself that another woman and children's pain wasn't my responsibility if I'd had a role in it. Even if they were complete strangers to me. Then again I'm pretty big on 'society' and our duty of care not to harm others if we can help it.

it's making a poor abstract moral decision v not giving a fuck about the real, living breathing, lives in your hands. no competition in my book.

OP, what a crappy situation. I'm tempted to say, call his bluff. Tell him you want a relationship, you want him to leave his wife, you want his babies and you want to be his world. The deeply cynical part of me, says that this should probably do the trick & you won't see him for dust.

The less cavalier side of me, thinks that you have to get angry with him. You have to be less passive & really make up your mind that he is a complete arse and you want nothing more to do with him. Think of all the things that are bad about him; he is a liar, he is cheating on his wife, he had sex with you when you were drunk, he has coffee breath, he sometimes has noticeable ear wax etc etc - collect up all those bad things and the first 3 give you are really good head start & focus on them. This is not the man you deserve or should be with. So get angry & dump him.

but that's an abstract leaven - that's my point. your mixing blame and actual responsibility.

i care about the abstract and let it guide me thus far. but betraying an abstract concept and betraying my living breathing child/partner etc are two different things. one will create real actual consequences upon the people i claim to love the other will be 'wrong' and i shouldn't do it. they are entirely different.

but an OW does also have some responsibility in my book.
If it wasnt her, it may be someone else. But not always, and cant be used as some sort of get out clause by the OW.

you're missing my point about the difference between blame and responsibility. i don't think i made it very well though tbf.

Perhaps janey will come back and put us all straight, eh ?

She certainly seemed quite clear that a partner that has been cheated on bears more blame/responsibility (whatever you wanna call it) than the person who is colluding with the complete disrespect of that person.

Unless the OW has been equally lied to, but that doesn't appear to be the case here.

Maybe it's semantics and maybe we just disagree. Either way it's cool as I don't think we're too far apart on the big picture stuff, SAF.

Of course it's right that people should feel more responsibility to people who love, care for them and are dependent on them in some way, than complete strangers.

But the concept of 'do no harm' isn't an abstract to me personally. It's a fundamental part of my make-up. I'm very clear on the differences between blame, culpability and personal responsibility. In this situation I think all 3 apply, but not in equal measure to eachother and certainly not equal to how blameworthy, culpable or responsible the married man is.

For me, this is mostly about personal responsibility. To myself and others.

I think the OP has got to stop faffing about telling herself and us that she's a passive receptacle for all this flirting, start taking some personal responsibility and realise that she's damaging herself as well as others by her actions.

'I can't help myself' and 'it's not my fault' are the frequent laments of people who aren't big on personal responsibility or confrontation. I'd hate to add to that sort of nonsense.

Couldn't agree more swallowed. Though tbh I hate threads being derailed like this - a back and forth between posters, not really related to what the OP has said. I know I'll get flamed for that. But I think the OP's request for advice was pretty straightforward and there are people here just grinding an axe.

Though tbh I hate threads being derailed like this - a back and forth between posters, not really related to what the OP has said.

A lofty ideal indeed, rooty

What a pity you spoiled it by doing the exact same thing.

Fair enough AF, I couldn't resist putting in my tuppence. But I try not to be aggressive. Maybe I'm kidding myself!

Ehh have looked back at my posts and think the OP is my main focus. I can live with that.

I think accusing people of "grinding an axe" is a pretty aggressive comment to make, tbh

So far, people have disagreed with each other on this thread but managed to do it without getting personal

Ok, fair enough - I suppose that's what I meant when I said maybe I'm kidding myself. I know there are different ways of being aggressive. But I wouldn't have said anything to introduce the non OP discussion, and said what I did in defence of her. Like I say, I can live with it. Maybe next time I'll remember this and keep my thoughts to myself. (As in, lesson learned, not flouncing.)

OP, good luck. I think you are willing to take responsibility and you can get over this man.

I was in your shoes many years ago OP, stupid involvement with married man at work when I was in the aftermath of a split and basically more insane and vulnerable and idiotic than I'd been in my life. I thought I was in love but the feeling that lasted was the guilt towards his wife.

How closely do you work together. Sit next to him or near him? (I did, it was awful). I did end it, but him getting another job (we were both trying but the market was awful) was a huge relief.

If you can ensure you get away from working closely, that will help immensely and you should take proactive steps to do so, even if you can't fully move jobs. Do other stuff to distract yourself from this man, date (single) men, have fun with friends. Go on a long holiday away from the situation and reconnect with the person you want to be.

These situations are poisonous, utterly destructive for the other woman, and the very last thing you need in the aftermath of a marriage where you need life to be gentle. I hope you get it sorted.

Threads do tend to go off on a tangent when the OP disappears. It's a bit like chatting amongst ourselves until they come back.

I haven't disappeared - this is all helpful thank you.

The only explanation I can think of for why I've been so pathetic about this is that I just came to rely on him during a difficult time. It is not an excuse I know and I have some good friends outside of work who were very supportive of me through my divorce but at the same time the worst of it was going on work was very stressful as well, we were working long hours together and he became much more significant to me than I really realised at the time.

We were in daily contact for a while - there was a point when I stepped back and realised I wouldn't like it if it was my husband spending this much time with another women but he assured me that his wife wouldn't have a problem with it and we weren't doing anything wrong (at this stage the contact was probably far too frequent but the content was innocent). Then gradually it descended from that to be slightly flirty, then obviously flirty and then the drunken night. I think afterwards I hoped we could still be friends but obviously the dynamic was completely messed up by then and I wonder whether there was ever any real friendship there or whether it was all part of some weird long game to get in my pants anyway.

I'm not waiting in the wings or trying to tempt him away from his wife, I've never wanted a relationship with him and even if he turned around and said he was leaving his wife it wouldn't change that. I think the reason I probably sound half hearted is that although I know it's really bad for me, if I'm honest with myself I miss the friendship we had at the beginning. I know that's messed up as it probably never existed and the way he's acted shows me he's not the nice guy I thought he was but what I mean by the 'keep getting sucked in' is not that I'm tempted physically, more that I don't want to get in the slippery slope of becoming too close to him again. He seems to know exactly how to worm his way in and for a while he'll act normally and like he did at the very beginning but then little things will be said and I realise that we've crossed the line and can't just pretend it didn't happen. I can ignore all contact outside of work and stop it from progressing like that again but without making it very obvious that there is an issue at work I can't just completely ignore him.

I know this all sounds incredibly selfish - it's not that I haven't considered his wife in all this as I have but apart from making sure it doesn't happen again I can't take back that night. He seems to have no guilt or concern over it - it's like he sees us completely separately and doesn't relate what has happened between us as anything to do with her.

crazyhead - work pretty closely at the moment, see him most days and need to interact quite a lot to be able to do my job.

You need a new job.

Perhaps janey will come back and put us all straight, eh

Swallowedafly said it perfectly IMO.

well you have worked this all out in your head now OP and just need to implement it re: remembering it's a front and not who he really is and just a long game. remembering he's not your friend and that that friendship can't be regained (if it was ever there for him). you can maintain boundaries and when 'something is said' stop it there and then by saying that's not appropriate please don't do/say that.

it's a slow game but it will work eventually if you're consistent.

agree about the personal responsibility btw - for me it is too - just acknowledging it isn't for everyone and we can only mind ourselves and our own choices really.

He seems to have no guilt or concern over it - it's like he sees us completely separately and doesn't relate what has happened between us as anything to do with her.

Have you spoken to him about this? If he says something inappropriate to you have you said that you don't want to hear anything he wouldn't be happy to say in front of his wife?

If so, how does he react?