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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me to stop being such an idiot - married man

146 replies

idiotme · 25/08/2013 14:24

I work with him, for a long time I didn't think of him like 'that' at all as we were both married and I didn't find him particularly attractive anyway. Somehow though over a period of a couple of years of working closely together (during which I had a messy divorce) it got to the stage where we'd built up a friendship that was a bit too close, he quite obviously flirted and could be quite suggestive. I naively told myself that I'd although I liked him, I'd never let anything happen as I didn't want to get involved with someone who was married but I think I'd already allowed myself to get sucked in and started to rely on the contact and attention.

Eventually after a work event we slept together - I was very drunk, he didn't force himself on me and I could have (and obviously should have) stopped it but I feel he did take his chance and slightly take advantage of the situation. Afterwards I told him I regretted it, he said he didn't and since then he's carried on as before, continued the flirting and makes comments that suggest he'd like it to happen again.

I've told him it's not going to happen again but the problem is I keep getting sucked in. I can keep my distance and keep it professional for a while but then if I spend any period of time with him he seems to be able to win me around and it goes back to the overly familiar/flirty stage (although nothing else physical has happened).

I know I'm being a fool to let him use me like this and to be doing this to his wife - he doesn't even make any secret of the fact that he just wants something on the side, he doesn't really pretend to particularly care about me and has never suggested that he's not happy with or doesn't love his wife.

If I'm honest with myself I know it's probably a self esteem thing and I just don't want to let go of the attention but I know I need to for my own sanity. What can I do to stop getting sucked in and put a proper stop to this? There's no way I can get out of working with him although I have stopped attending any events where drink is involved and avoid being alone with him.

I know this isn't the place for sympathy, with all the horrible stories of people being hurt by their husbands and people like me but I just need a good talking to to snap out of it and put a proper stop to this.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 27/08/2013 11:14

tbh her stopping this sleaze bag hitting on her doesn't help his wife. his wife has married a sleazebag - the OP may be one of many people he is sleazy around and has slept with.

the wife's life is already ruined in that she's married a sleazebag who fucks around behind her back. the only way to actually be decent to the wife would be to tell her but i doubt many would be up for doing that.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2013 11:44

Get your Big Girl Pants on and tell him to go fuck himself

Don't be such a sap, seriously

Fairenuff · 27/08/2013 12:12

Why are you taking his calls outside of work then? Confused

Lazyjaney · 27/08/2013 19:34

Lazyjaney.Sounds like you are or have been in an extra marital affair

Or I'm more realistic and less judgmental than you?

Swallowedafly summarizes the wife's situation well just above, if it wasn't the OP it would be someone else and probably was.

yellowballoons · 27/08/2013 20:39

So you think it is ok behaviour?

Original poster
idiotme · 28/08/2013 20:43

I don't respond when he contacts me outside of work now, I know I probably never should have but it was a long slippery slope from innocent work friends to not so innocent.

I'm not playing games, by the icequeen comment I just meant shutting down any attempt at anything more than work conversations, which sometimes seems quite rude but I have to remind myself that we're not in any way friends

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 28/08/2013 20:50

Why don't you change your number and let only people who you want to contact you, have the new one?

Or block his number?

Original poster
idiotme · 28/08/2013 20:59

He only uses my work phone number - I can't turn it off as my boss expects to be able to get hold of me outside of work if she needs to

OP posts:
yellowballoons · 28/08/2013 21:48

You say you dont want to be rude to him.
But his behaviour is far worse to his wife, so dont worry at all about being rude to him.
Rude is what he and you need.

rootypig · 29/08/2013 02:39

OP you're getting an awful lot of flak here that I don't think you deserve. The other posters perhaps have never struggled to control their actions Hmm. More likely you are coming in for ire as the OW. Well he made vows to his wife, not you.

If you stay in the job, you need to keep away from him. Small company nd it sounds as though another job will be hard to come by - this is serious, not a harmless flirtation. What you're saying is you've been relying on willpower alone and it's not working. Have a good think about what would help you to stay away. Your boss / HR knowing doesn't seem to be possible. How about some external support for you, to strengthen your resolve and build your self esteem. Therapy? Boxing class? Arranging dates with unmarried men? If you are serious about getting out of this with your dignity intact, you need to come up with an answer.

You also need to find a way to see him for what he is - if the attraction would vanish, you'd have no problem resisting. Focus on the things you find unattractive about him. When he contacts you, think to yourself that he's just made excuses to leave a room his wife and DC are in to do it. Pathetic, really.

Lavenderhoney · 29/08/2013 06:45

Get your cv together, get on linked in and start networking. I don't see why you should stop going to events with drink, unless you have an issue with alcohol and can't drink sift drinks or water. If you are expected to attend you may be damaging your job anyway.

Go, drink water, stay away from him and lift share, or leave early.

Try not to be alone with him in the office and when he is over familiar tell him to stop or just call the meeting short.

Don't answer the phone outside work, he can leave a message. If you were abseiling you wouldn't snatch up the phone would you?

And you need some new friends - if you has to rely on him at work for your divorce misery, you must be quite lonely. Go to meet ups, join a women in business club, and try to meet people that way.

He would definety throw you under a bus . Don't give him the chance.

Loopytiles · 29/08/2013 06:58

As others have said, you're not helpless, you can control your behaviour. Just don't reply to unsolicited messages or calls. Still go to events, and limit the booze and avoid him. Focus on yourself and doing well at work.

Don't worry about appearing rude to him: he is not your friend and what he thinks of you is irrelevant, given that he's a shit who cheats on his wife and DC and has treated you badly too. He's actually a threat, what if he's involved in redundancy decisions, for example?

If you WANT to continue the flirtation, it's your life, but take responsibility for that decision ( rather than "I'm just so weak, he was so persuasive, I was sucked in" crap). That path won't lead to anything good.

Wellwobbly · 29/08/2013 07:08

Not an Idiot You, I think you have shown exactly what a decent person you are by coming on here and sharing all this.

You have written absolutely perfectly what Shirley Glass talks about boundaries slowly slipping without noticing:
"I don't respond when he contacts me outside of work now, I know I probably never should have but it was a long slippery slope from innocent work friends to not so innocent."

This is exactly how infidelity starts.

Rootypig, another perspective of 'the flak' is that the harshness of it has jolted her out of her bubble, fantasy and thrill being a powerful powerful addiction.

Look at how her perspective has changed. She has gone from 'I can't help myself' to truly seeing how disgusting this behaviour is.

That she is disgusted with herself shows what a decent person she really is and how far from an idiot she is.

Resepect for your courage and honesty, OP. It is the tough things that make us a better man!!!!

Lazyjaney · 29/08/2013 07:34

So you think it is ok behaviour

I think it is what it is, affairs at work are pretty common, and the OP is hardly the first woman or the last to have an inadvisable drunken shag.

Besides, the OP is a free agent, she isn't married to his wife, he is. If it wasn't her shagging him someone else would be and probably has. Save all this ire for him.

Best is to find other things to do, people to have relationships with, etc. Also agree with networking around (cf other things to do) but it may well be that there are few other jobs in town, so she may have to work with the guy, just let it fizzle out by not responding, no histrionics and certainly no reporting to HR etc.

yellowballoons · 29/08/2013 07:46

No Lazyjaney. It isnt necessarily true that someone else would, though with this man, it might be.

If you are or have been, I hope that you too think carefully about what you are doing.

I like your last paragraph.

I wouldnt have thought that it was very easy to carry on working together. Rather like an an addict standing next to what they were addicted to?

rootypig · 29/08/2013 09:00

wobbly I don't see that - I think the OP came remarkably honest and open to advice and that has stayed the same, in spite of any harshness, not because of it.

Lazyjaney · 29/08/2013 09:22

If you are or have been, I hope that you too think carefully about what you are doing

This is the 2nd time you've alleged I'm having an affair Yellow, merely because I believe the main person responsible for a husband keeping his dick in his pants is the husband.

But since you're slinging shit, here's my observation of affairs for free - after the errant person, the person you next have to look at for it happening is their partner, not the 3rd party.

Upnotdown · 29/08/2013 09:24

LazyJaney - do you not think of common decency as a good attribute then? I'm alright, Jack so fuck everyone else?

I think you're an idiot, OP. If you genuinely want rid of him, avoid him, block his number, blah blah. Or why not just fucking tell him? Without smiling or twirling your hair or sounding uncertain. Fucking tell him you think he's a sleaze, you don't want to be someone's bit of rough and, most importantly, 'LEAVE ME ALONE OR I'LL TELL YOUR WIFE'.

You come across as someone who wants to say no but still want him to 'fancy' you, if I'm honest. That ain't going to work.

Mosman · 29/08/2013 09:28

Wow Lazy that's a bit special lol
Am hiding this thread now because all the OP wanted was validation that she's not too bad and can't help it poor thing.

yellowballoons · 29/08/2013 09:31

I did not accuse you of having an affair. But you dont seem to think there is much wrong behviour for a woman, or man I presume, to do that.

swallowedAfly · 29/08/2013 09:34

she hasn't said that at all - what she has said is that the responsibility lies with the married person first and foremost and from their you've projected all your angst at OW at her and assumed she is or has been the OW.

lots of projection and displacement going on this thread - understandably as it's a very emotive topic for many as the OP acknowledges in her first post.

Wellwobbly · 29/08/2013 09:36

Damn, Rooty, you are right!

OP, wake up and get a grip!

yellowballoons · 29/08/2013 09:48

I have never been wronged by the way.

But do I think it is wrong behaviour by both parties. Definitely.

That also doesnt mean that a person, man or woman cannot be remorseful and move on. People seem to have affairs because of things that have happened or are going on in their own lives, not just because they want a bit of fun.

AnyFucker · 29/08/2013 11:40

I was totally with you Janey, until you said in the hierarchy of blame when someone has an affair in second place is the cheater's partner

You just massively insulted all the women on the relationships board who did absolutely nothing wrong but their husbands fucked around anyway

yellowballoons · 29/08/2013 11:53

Wow. I missed that AnyFucker. Didnt realise that was what Mosman was saying too.