how do i get off this roundabout and get thru to him?

[coco35]

Here are two examples of my dh behaviour. Not overtly abusive but so moody and i find it hard to have reasonable conversations with him at times.
So last week we were out for a dive with dc's (one of whom is a teen). I wanted to listen to a particular radio station he wantd another. In fact he wanted to listen to teenager station which was ridiculous. But for once i got my way, so i was happy out until the subject they were discussing changed to sex therapist coming on next etc etc. so naturally enough i changed it over as who wants to listen to that in front of dc's - inappropriate imo. so he started "joking" that we had to listen to that as it was what i wanted to listen so it was stayin on now etc. I was acutely embarrassed and thought he was being such a sh*t.

So this weekend i am sick with a uti. he was in the pub fri eve when it started. he came home about 10pm and was very nice and looked after me as he was yest. He slept in another room last nite to let me sleep well. So he came in this mornin with a cuppa for us both. Hardly asked me how i was just demanded a pillow. I said go get another one. He said he wanted one as i only needed two. So childish and unreasonble (him not me!). Basically he was in a mood for some reason. So he spat the dummy and said "fine if thats the way you want it" and stormed off. He says this alot by the way - whenever he doesnt get exactly his own way.

So after having many many problems in our marraige he is gone out for the day with dc's. He told me i am lazy and just want to live my life in bed. and that if i have a problem to have his bag packed when he gets back and we will end it now.

Belive me this marragie has been dying a slow death for a long time. But like all the "fine so suit yorself" stuff he says he doesnt really mean it.

Like i say hes not aggressive as such but so moody and the sec he doesnt get his own way he storms off / starts slagine me. He goes from deeply worried about me to not giving a shit and calling me lazy.

What do i do? Walk away? He is doing counselling for his issues but doesnt seem to be helping. Thing is i am the typical woman who is addicted almost to this man. there are so many advantages to staying together but can i put up with this silly stuff forever?

anyone????

Addiction is a worrying word to use. Don't stay because you are "addicted" to him, stay because you are happy with him and he is good to/for you.

When he says you just want to live your life in bed, what does he mean?

he has always been a morning person. could be up at 6/7 at weekends. he would never have a lie in unless he was ill. he runs his own business so works very hard. i on the other hand have always been a fan of a weekend lie in (not that weird is it?) also, wouldnt be adverse to taking a nap during the day if the opportunity arose! have always been like that. on top of that i have been in poor health for the past year or more and fatigue is part of my illness so this just drives him mad altogether. so he sees it now as laziness. then on top of all that when he upsets me with his crap i withdrawn and prefer to stay in bed if he has brought the dc's out for example. this he calls sulking. i could be in tears but to him its laziness and sulking.

Cant believe it - i just threw him out again

We have been down this road a couple of times before so am even sceptical of my own ability to make decisions at this stage. He had left a few months ago to get counselling for his issues and of course bit by bit he started staying at weekends or at least one night. we even had a short family break last week which of course was very up and down.

Thats why i used the words addicted. It seems no matter how badly he treats me (and believe me thre have been some humdingers) i always allow him back. When he is nice is he soooo nice - the nicest guy ever. And then like this morning he can just be such an ass over a pillow. The rug is constantly being pulled from under me. THis mornin when we were rowing he said thats fine pack my bags again and i will leave. So i did and he is gone in tears making me feel like the bad guy as usual.

Even as i am writing this i am thinking he might come back and apologise and am feeling how much i love him. Even though apologies were never hig on his agenda.

Plz help me keep strong this time or i will end up seriously depressed and not coping. This is usually when i take him back. And i get worse every time........

sorry to be annnoying but plz read

You sound like bloody hard work.

I sorry he hurts you, it may be that you hurt him too.
But the pair of you need to get your acts together for dc's sakes.
Living with this level of uncertainty must be awful for them.

You do sound hard work, to be honest. I'm really struggling to see what he's done wrong here.

To be honest you are putting him in a situation when he can't win, no matter what he does for you.
I feel sorry for him - but I also wonder why you have this level of latent anger, and why you suppress it (well, try to)?

Lots of problems here I think.
Maybe more him than you, but probably some of both.
And maybe a lot of work to be done by you both.

I will come back to this thread when I have more time, hopefully later.

What you almost need is an independent mediator.

pillow - your fault
radio - his fault

His good points - he went to get counselling. Not many do that.
He brings you cuppas in bed - not all do that.

And, if I were you I dont think you should go to bed if you have an argument, because that just looks to him that you will go to bed for any occasion.

So, as I say, a mixture of him and you.

I honestly think he will be glad you packed his bag, poor guy !

He brought you a cup of tea and asked for a pillow.

What a bastard.

I know it sounds petty but background is an emotional and veberal and mental abuser who i have had the worst five years of my life with. he says he is sorry et etc but his actions say otherwise. Thats why seemingly inoccuous things on the outside are totally different in reality with someone like this.

He's gone, that's good then isn't it?
Take some personal responsibility for your life - if you don't make each other happy, if he's abusive or you are or just together you're toxic, whatever - there's no reason to live like this.
You have a choice, your children don't.

Well I don't think you sound hard work. I know it isn't nice when you are accused of being lazy when your illness is making you feel tired.

It really sounds as if you don't like each other much though :(

I can't tell you whether it is time to end your relationship but if he is being passive aggressive, undermining, critical and moody it sounds like too much hard work, and it can't be pleasant for your kids.

Do you know where he has gone? How long will he stay away.

I suggest you have a week apart and see how you feel while he is away.

ok i know the tea sounds wonderful - i used to think it was too until i realised it was just a way of controlling me. ie heres your tea -get up. never when i wanted it just when he thought it was time for me to get up. one sat morning he brought it up very early and i didnt drink it so i got given out to and told thats the last time he ever make it for me. I hadnt even asked for it!!!!!! also i was on a dairy and yeast fre diet which was lost on him - alough he will tel me in the next breath to lose weight.

the pillows are ridiculous - it could have been a laugh - of course i would have given him a pillow but its the way he demanded one and in a nanosecond he was storming off telling me to go f8ck myself basically.

bear in mind this is the guy who is supposed to be rebuilding his family due to his own behavious which he readily admitted it was all his fault and he had issues a few months back.

so this is the problem - i wish it were so easy to move on with my life and celebrate his leaving (again) but ive lost so much confidence so the past years that i feel lost without him and a bit hopeless about my future and wonder if i have done the right thing for my dcs and should i just take the rough with the smooth for the smooth bits are great.............

he is very annoyed that i wont go to counseling with him but we have tried this in the past and i found it a nitemare plus all i have learned around abusive relatonships is that counselling is not going to work due to the imbalance of power.

and in the nxt breath i am wondering if he is stil really abusive or just a moody git married to a woman who hasnt forgiven him at all. i feel he is just nice to be to get his own way but the sec someting doesnt suit him he goes back to old behaviours

Are you going to counselling yourself too, separate from him? It really seems like its six of one and half a dozen of the other here. He slep in another room to give you a decent nights sleep, seems to be the one up with the DC in the morning, brings you tea (which could be PA but if its, say 10am and he's been up with the kids for 3 hours its not like he's the antichrist, is it?) and you both fight with each other.

He may be sulky but to be honest it seems like you're giving him plenty of reasons to sulk. And if his behaviour improves but yours doesn't, of course he'll go back to his old behaviour.

Some of the trouble sounds to be that you dont trust his actions,
Soa cup of tea turns into "he is controlling me".
I cant tell whether he is or whether he isnt, but if no longer trust his actions, even ones that look good to other people, then there is a problem isnt there.

Not sure if you give us some more examples is going to help or not. Might do?

Examples inlcude last weekend we were to go away sun for a few days with dc's. He came home sat eve from work like an anti-christ. Giving out to the dc's (he hadnt seen them all day) over nothin. frightened the livng daylights out of our neighbours child who was here. i put it down to him having nicotine withdrawal - that i could understand. so i called him on it and told him to leave off with the dc's they are only small. so he starting giving out to me "can i not correct my own kids now" - "if thats the way you want to be il just leave" - etc etc. I was shocked and very upset. The dc's did nothign to deserve the way he wa and i was merely trying to get him to calm down. He never apologised so of course our few days away were strained and i was so disapointed as i was really looking forward to it. Thats like theme of our relationship actually - disappointment.

Or he wil randomly say x,y and z are mine and no one can have them. Or one minute he is not going to the pub anymore and the next hes off for a few beers, and i darent say anything.
Or he will say he will pay for things and then wont which means i have to.
Or he says he has loads of money when he is trying to get me back but when i ask for something once we getting on he says he has nothing.
Or when i get my hair done he kind of pretends like my hairdreser has done something awful TO me - god forbid i may have chosed this style many times over - its just that he doesnt like my hair short on me - but i love it.
Or i could never ever refuse to have sex - that would have him ranting and raving and its always the same crap "if thats the way you wnat to be - thats fine so..!
Or if threre is no dinner ready he will be huffing and puffing about it - like im the maid.

Most mostly its the way he just doesnt seem to give a shit about me. He is good to be in lots of ways and a good dad and works hard and good around the house and very supportive when i am having problems with famiy, friends, work but anything actually emotionaly between us he doesnt seem to care about. he never apologises just behaves badly and then tells me not to "have that face on me" or "i should be on tv" or i "need help" etc etc
I guess how he makes me feel at times which is so lonely and nervous and let down and panicy. And other times i feel so in love with him and feel i have exagerated things or as others on here have suggested i am just hard work!!!!!!!!!!

Can people ever really come back from EA relationship history - even if both sides really want tO??

well done for managing to say and remember all those examples.

First off[and others may well disagree with me here], he sounds insecure. Certainly insecure in the marriage.
He keeps saying "well I will be off then" becuase he is frightened of exactly that. He doesnt want to go at all, but he is frightened of it.
That is a good sign, as in, he really does not want to leave the marriage.

I cant comment on all of what you have written.
But. fwiw, I think he very much wants to stay. And he is very frightened of not staying.

I think, and I could be wrong, that if you were able to reassure him that you are not going anywhere, and you are both willing to commit to the marriage, then some of his stress would disappear, and some of his ranting and raving would disappear.
The bit I dont know about is whether his rapid changes of mind would disappear. They might do.

What was his childhood like btw? Was it chaotic?

Yes i think he is very insecure in general and particularly where i am concerned. This is not caused by anyting i have done (as in i have never cheated anything remotely like that) but he admited it once in a very weak moment that he has always been scared of losing me because he always knew i was too good for him. And from the outside i think alot of people would think that (not bragging just being honest) but when you get to know him he has so many wonderful characteristics that i so admire and love about him. And then oddly and also when you get to know him you see this angry insecure shy person stuggling with himself.

He used to adore me and be so proud of me and i was so happy but slowly he began to control me and get jealous and possesive and more and more selfish. Then the double standards started. Then the verbal abuse the intimidation the mood swings, the drinking, the other woman and eventually the threats of violence. At that point i got a baring order and got him out as it was a living nightmare of walking on egg shells and goalposts changing and people beginnign to wonder what was wrong with me as i had changed to much. even though i did everything any other woman would do to keep the bright side out.

So he got anger management counselling and we seperated. but he didnt get enough counselling as he truly believed the shock of losing everything was enough to ensure he never behaved like that again. and so in time we got back together and hence i am so ill at ease. And as my counsellor told me its not about what a person does or says etc. Its about how it makes you feel. So i feel as i say disappointed but more in control but still a little unsure and very anxious. Which is affecting my health. However, when ever we split i miss him and dont feel any better and hence the roundabout in my title.

Its the lack of emotional intimacy i find the hardest. I prob could put up with silly outbursts(although i shouldnt have to) if he could apologise and then discuss things with me but as you say he keeps running.
Also he puts everyone else first. No matter how ill i am he will go do whatever he wants to do anyway even if its not that important. Also his sis has attacked me in the past and he still acts like nothing has happened. Like my feelings never count. He loves me but he wont stand up for me or stay with me when i need him. I speak to practially complete strangers about things like my health alot more than i speak to him.

Vis-a-vis his family. Father complete anti-christ who drinks too much and i think gave his mother an awful time. she died long before her time and i can see why (pure speculation on my part i know) but she wouldnt have had the independence i have and was of a diff generation so the poor woman didnt have much choice only to put up with it.

So there you have it. he is like a wounded animal at time and the best guy you ever met at other times and again other times a total assh*le who doesnt deserve the time of day.. But yet i still love him.

I have tried a few months back building a bridge re the past and reassurin him that i love him and have forgiven him and that i respect him (this is a big big issue for him - respect) but it didnt last on my part. Mostly because he hasnt earned it back yet.

I did a course a few weeks back - it was about low mood and anxiety. And it got to the section about "are you strong enough to control your temper". Everyone else there was sharing all sorts about how they lose the rag etc. I almost started hyperventilating remembering how it feels to be on the receiving end of someones temper. I was so terribly upset i just sat there trying to keep back the tears. Of course the topic wasnt really refering to abusive tempers as such but it just made me realise i am far from "building a bridge" over what i have experienced.

what a complete mess.