I am at my wits end with SIL

[WayHarshTai]

I just do not know how to deal with this.

I have known her for seven years, and our relationship has been very odd. She's behaved really nastily to me at times, but always subtle or seemingly innocuous enough that I've never felt able to call her on it.

Some examples. When we moved from a flat to a house we invited them for Christmas, she made a huge deal in the run up of how she may not be able to come with her then 6mo DS as it would break his routine. On the day BIL (DH;s brother) came with their DS and she stayed at home. BIL later told DH that it was because she was jealous of our house (they still lived in a flat and later bought a house twice the size of ours).

I had a 30th birthday party with a vague James Bond theme, cocktails and stuff. She is usually very well groomed, full makeup every day kind of thing. She came to my party in a tracksuit with unwashed hair and wearing a hat. Completely different to how she usually dresses, amd totally at odds with the type of party (I was not remotely partyzilla about it by the way and have never mentioned it)

Then there was all the oddness around our wedding. And i've just found out that the reason BIL (her DH) didn't do a Best Man speech despite weeks of him planning it, asking us for anecdotes and getting book on speeches out of the library was because she told him on the day that DH had asked him not to do one. So he literally thanked the bridesmaids, SIL shouted across the room that he'd forgotten one (he hadn't) and that was his speech.

There is more, but it's all very petty and made me feel like I was going mad for years as she was always so pleasant to my face.

Anyway, these days we get on really well, although we've never really spoken about all this. But she;s gone into massive overdrive with the friendship and it's exhausting and embarrassing.

I enjoy spending time with her but I've had to cut it right back (I was seeingher once a week) because every single time I see her she buys stuff for me and the DC.

Last week I met her in town and she had bought and outfit for each of my three children. She then took DS2 off while I was in a shop and came back with a book each, marked at £5 each but she made a big deal of saying they weren't the marked price. She then went into Next and bought me a top.

She is a SAHM, and I know their finances are not up to this. We earn twice their wage and have a smaller mortgage, for example.

I have TRIED saying no thankyou, but she gets really quite forceful, and gets quite upset.

We had a party yesterday at home and she spent the entire time cleaning and clearing and washing up, despite my DH being quite assertive about it. She was drunk and ended up smashing two glasses in her cleaning frenzy.

She comes round and does things like weeds the garden, or goes upstairs to see the kids and tidies their rooms.

I feel really suffocated by her, and although I'm glad our relationship is friendly now, I can't deal with it.

I have literally no idea how to handle this. I don't want her to go back to hating me because that was awful, but this level of 'help' is exhausting me.

I've asked DH to talk to his brother but they aren't the most involved of families and he doens't want to interfere .

Sorry it's such an essay but I really am at my wits end.

Hugs to you and yours.

I just remembered something that happened a couple of months ago at the start of the summer. (derailing the thread a bit here lol)

I was up at Ex=Husband's dropping DD and all her stuff off and he asked me in for a coffee. We took it outside because the weather was lovely and I was sitting on a wooden bench with flat arms and I put the cup on the arm of the bench.

DD and his stepson were running around acting silly and the cup got knocked off the arm of the bench onto the concrete slabs and it broke.

I cleaned it up with him standing over me bellowing "was that one of the good Denby mugs was it was it "

It wasn't ever me. It was him. Always him. And I'm very very glad he's the ex.

God those FUCKING mugs.

You're very well rid

Believe it or not I have no Denby now. And I'd not be in the slightest bothered if I broke a mug

I am VERY well rid.

The poor girl obviously has some underlying MH problems, although I'm not a MH expert, the behaviours you are mentioning sound horribly like my brother who is bipolar- the over spending in particular.

Obviously you don't know what her marriage is like as Spotty says, it might be a part of it, or it might be a reaction to her behaviours.

I really don't know what to suggest, what does your DH think?

Awful situation.

if I ever ever mention on here that I'm thinking of buying some Denby, you'll know there's something wrong with me

Really inappropriate x-post there.

I think what you have to focus on is you and your own mental well being. Have as much to do with her as YOU can cope with.

Horrible situation.

I'll keep a beady eye on you, Spotty.

I know that she rinsed through her divorce money and then racked up tens of thousands of debt, and she does go through great swinging peaks and troughs of mood. I don't know what I coudl do though, I can't make her go to the GP.

DH has always been of the opinion that we need to keep our beaks out, they are not the type of family to step in, not like my lot. But he is seeing more and more that she needs more help than we can give her. We spent a week together doing days out and DH was gobsmacked at some of her behaviour and teh things she said.

It sounds so difficult. Could he talk to his brother?

He's going to.

He needs to tell him about the secret gift buying because that's not on at all, he's actually really cross that she's asking our DC to collude in her secrets.

The trouble is, her behaviours always get blamed on whatever's going on with her, so at the moment BIL will probably say, oh it's because of her menopause.

BUt it's not, she's been like this forever.

My friend has just phoned me to say that she found her difficult and exhausting at the party yesterday and unfortunately that 's fairly standard, none of my family will willingly spend time with her for eg and her name tends to be accompanied by an eye roll with most people.

Which is why I've worked so hard to be friends with her, really, because it makes me very very sad, and there isn't a mean bone in her body these days I'm glossing over the early years.

With her buying things all the time; it sounds far-fetched but is it possible they have come into some money, want to share it a bit but don't want people to know about their windfall? You said her DH gives stuff to your DH too, which makes it sounds like perhaps the gifts (at least) aren't just from her.

No. Or, unlikely.

If her DH hands a bag of stuff over he'll believe it's hand me downs or cast offs, and say as much. Like the tablemats she bought me but tried to pass off as ten year old ones from her loft. They had tags on from teh recently rebranded shop she'd bought them from...

And her DH is quite open with mine about finances, there's no reason they'd not tell us, plus we know that the opposite is true and they are in fact limping along on one wage.

Well, it sounds then like she's trying to buy your friendship. Because she thinks you won't be friends with her otherwise.

(I know I know I know I said I was leaving the thread)

So can you try saying to her "look, we can't afford to do this for you and it makes us really uncomfortable so we aren't going to accept gifts any more" or have you tried that?

Also, tell her and her DH that she can't go sneaking behind your backs to give stuff to the kids and telling them not to tell you.

Alternatively, see them less and the opportunities will diminish. But that might make you feel like a bit of a heel.

Even if he isn't the cause, her DH is part of it by not addressing the fact that she needs help. Maybe his head is in the sand as much as hers is with regards to her behaviour.

Getting your DH to tell him that she's always been like this and it's not X or Y or Z that's causing it. She needs help and her DH is probably in the best position to get her to see that.