H does not feel attracted to me and I am falling apart

[ElectricSoftParade]

H finally told me, after several months of no sex, that he does not find me attractive and that he is unsure if he loves me. He claims to have no sex drive and says he just doesnt want sex/affection/love.

I have been asking for, it seems like forever, if he wants to split as I honestly don't think I can carry on like this. I just feel so lonely and repulsive. While I am not drop dead I am not thatbad and I just feel completely rejected and unwanted. We had another arguement last night and I toldhim I wanted him to leave. Lots of shouting went on withboth of us and we then sleptin different rooms. This morning he asked if we could try again with him "aiming totry and show me more affection and see if we could get back to how we used to be". This has completelyfloored me. Like I should be gratefulforhim trying to love me.

Idontknow what I am asking but I just feel broken we havebeen together 16 years and have 2 dc. I dont know what to do.

Ill tell you what to do.
Get on with your life with your head held high.
Get yourself.a social life or new hobby and go out a bit more.
Do not whimper and whine about him showing you affection just be pleasant but aloof.
Let him make the effort.

Agree with Leverette - stop asking him if he wants to split (= making it all about what he wants) and tell him you want to split because this is destroying you. Have you thought about what it would be like to split up?

Tell him to leave straightaway. If that's the way he feels about you, he doesn't get to hang around dangling carrots in front of you. He made a definite statement on where he stands so he needs to put his money where his mouth is and get out. Insist on that.

Him not fancying you does not mean you're not fanciable. Love yourself and work on your self confidence.

Well I don't know really.... having no sex drive and not wanting to have sex with you are two different things. He is saying it's both - which is it?

If he has no sex drive as it sounds ... then that is something that can be addressed via the gp for a start. And he does sound like he wants to make a go of things. Speaking as a divorcee, unless things are truly awful 16 years is a long time to throw away if there is the urge to try and make it work.

I think he needs to be very honest and work out what the real issues are. Does he masturbate for example? Look at porn? Does he have any sex drive at all?

On mondayhe is awayfor just over a week so that will give both of us some space. I have been thinking about us splitting and I do know that I and the dc would be alright eventually. To meet me I think I could come acrossas a confident andd0 assured person but I don't feel like that at all. I feel like I have lost me.

Sorry for the typos am not quite with it.

I found myself in a similar situation at the start of July. I felt exactly as you said. I didn't know how to move forward or if I even wanted to as a couple. I became very angry and we had some heated discussions. my H also wants us to try and find what we once had. after weeks of uncertainty, which I find so hard as feel like my life is on hold, we are trying to turn a corner. we've tried relate. is it worth you trying that? and fundamentally we are trying to as simple as it sounds, be nice to each other. to not pick up on the things that would normally lead to a row and trying to make time together. I couldn't be like this for weeks so don't make any hasty decisions one way or the other. its too raw if its only just happened. I joined this site today looking for help and advice thinking it was just me. time apart could be the answer? or we have written times on calendar that will be just us. I don't know if it will work but in my personal situation we've decided for ourselves and our children its worth a go. time could heal. who knows. but you have to do what's right for you and your personal situation. after many tears lots of anger and hurt from me I've decided I can be miserable whilst it does fall apart or try and be nice and improve the atmosphere for everyone and see if it works. if it doesn't I will be heartbroken and I know that. but will be able to say I've tried. thinking of you.

So sorry for you. I'm in a similar situation, my dh doesn't want sex with me anymore either, have you considered counselling? I'm not far off going down that route for us.

One thing my dh did say that may apply for you too is that whilst him never making a move makes me feel ugly and rejected me pushing him makes him pressured and unhappy. There are lots of threads on here where the genders are reversed and everyone criticises the main for pressurising his wife. I wish I had an answer for you, but you are not alone

From my experience if you get him to leave and carry on with your life you will suddenly become the most attractive woman in the world. Unfortunately it is human nature to want what you can't have and he needs to know that he has lost you, then watch him make the effort.
My ex H was like this with me making all the effort but when I left he couldn't get enough of me and was suggesting weekends away etc. Sadly by then I didn't want him any more.

I'm sorry you are going through this, keep posting on here for support.

I agree with your last para ifIsay, pressure for sex is unappealing regardless of who's doing it.

OP do you think there's someone else?

At a minimum, you need to take a break for both of you to sort your heads out and that still means him leaving.

I have said that iwillnolonger approach him for sex but that I am not able to live without any affection ever. Double edged as if he does come anywhere near me ijust get tense and anxious.

I don't think thereis anyone elsebut, tbh, due to his work he is away a lot of the time. I suppose he could be together with someone else and I would be none the wiser. Just feel hopeless.

I'm afraid it does sound like "The Script".
So I would prepare for the worst while he is away, and do some digging.

I agree with ett36 - you say you would be heartbroken if you split, and he has said he wants to try to get the affection back and get back to how you were. It doesn't sound like a lost cause, ltb situation - although he had been extremely hurtful in what he has said to you. Relate could be a really good idea as you can discuss your feelings (both of you) in a controlled environment and see if it's something you can work through. As ett36 says, it's not just a choice between being miserable together or splitting, the third option is to improve your relationship so that you are happy together again.

Really hope you manage to work through this, 16 years and 2 dcs is worth fighting for in my book.

He may have floored you with his honesty, but he's willing to try to get back what you had. That's a def massive plus point in my book!

You've been together a long time, maybe things have just become a bit predictable and mundane? I agree with others about finding time for each other. Get a babysitter and do something just the two of you, something fun, go karting, zorbing, abseiling, something that reminds you both of the people you fell in love with to start with.

I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet, there's so many options to explore first, alot of history and a DH willing to save your marriage. Best of luck!

Sadly I have seen this situation many times and often what complicates and skews the entire picture is what's being hidden by one party from the other.

It's startlingly common for one person to apparently go off sex, fudge the reasons for it and when backed into a corner, admit a lack of sexual attraction or loss of sex drive.

What they sometimes keep hidden is that the reasons for this are not connected with a loss of sex drive overall, or a permanent loss of attraction for their partners. It's because they've met someone else.

It can be puzzling if it appears the person is making all the right noises and - threatened with the end of the relationship or living separately - wants to stay put.

Sometimes this is because the other relationship isn't yet on a secure enough footing to permit living together, or risking the loss of the 'sanctioned' relationship and all the benefits it brings. So it is more beneficial to the person having the affair to 'buy time', keep his assets intact and his partner on the back-burner, while he makes up his mind.

If there are secrets like this, it can be soul-destroying and terribly damaging to mental health for the person who is trying to make the other person love her and fancy her again. Fruitless too because if there's a secret affair involved, none of this is to do with her personally and she therefore has no power to impact on the final outcome.

The wisest approach to this is to take control and at the same time, make one's own enquiries about missing bits of the picture.

Regardless of what might be causing this, the single event that causes change and greater motivation to resolve the situation one way or the other is loss.

The most unwise approach is to wait it out and to try in vain to make the other person fall in love with you again or fancy you. If your partner is experiencing a surfeit of needs being met by two (or sometimes more) people, there is no motivation to choose. Plus, most partners would be unwilling to cede all the choices in this scenario to someone who is treating them badly and unkindly.

I would suggest parting and if he wants to resolve the situation through counselling, let him make the appointments and try to resolve this himself. He is the one whose feelings have supposedly changed and so has the responsibility to seek a remedy. However I would caution that couples counselling is a waste of everyone's time (and your money) if secrets are being held.

Thank youfor your responses. I am takingthe dc out for a bit and to have a think. Thank you for being so kind.

This is exactly what was happening to me and my (now) ex husband was having a long term affair. I'm really sorry, but I'd start to do some research.

Even if he's not, though, I think you would feel much better if you took control of the situation yourself and told him that you can't live with him any longer. That loss of self is too big a sacrifice to make.

In my ex's situation, FWIW, the OW was married. I think that makes for a slightly different situation, eg it's not clear cut that they want to leave - they behave as though they do but they say they don't. Also, there aren't the usual meet ups which cause you to notice what's going on.

I felt like I was going mad. It was as though at some deep level I knew what was going on, but I couldn't see clearly enough to recognise it. When I found out, it all came crashing into place.

I'm not sure a lack of desire for sex in a long term relationship is always due to an affair. I know myself I have been on both sides of this (in two different relationships) and when I was the one who wasn't interested in sex the last thing I wanted was an affair!

Or are we just suggesting he's having an affair because he's a man? If it was a woman who wasn't feeling sexual would everyone be suggesting the op keep their eyes and ears out for signs of an affair?

I think it's very hard to imagine being somewhat asexual if you are a sexual person, which is why people are quick to assume the other person must be having sexual needs met elsewhere but quite often it just isn't the case.

That doesn't mean to say that an affair definitely isn't happening in these sort of situations, but it shouldn't always be the first thought everyone leaps to.

If someone loses their sex drive, then unless OP is constantly pushing for more sexual activity that H feels unable to give, why should HIS losing his sex drive make him want to split up the marriage and his family?

It does not follow. Either he is depressed or there is something else.

I am sorry but it's very likely he's having an affair.

In your shoes I ask him to move out or a while to give you space to think about what you want to do.

I'd use that time to dig around and speak to a lawyer.

Sorry you are going through this. Please get as much real-life support as you can.

*for not or

If someone says they are not attracted to you then let them leave to find someone they are attracted to, and give you the space to be loved by someone who does.

What does he want- you to suddenly become more sexy, lose weight, wear tight dresses, stockings and heels? - what until that becomes boring too. He can do one!

He didn't just say I've lost my sex drive- he said he didn't find you attractive.

2 DC's - means pelvic changes, hips change, 16 years means you're not going to be some bouncy 18 year old, and if he has not enjoyed you mature and appreciate the way your body has changed, the not so taut stomach that gave him his beautiful DC's etc - he can honestly go...

Phew - can one tell this chap has got me boiling over

H finally told me, after several months of no sex, that he does not find me attractive and that he is unsure if he loves me. He claims to have no sex drive and says he just doesnt want sex/affection/love

He is giving mixed reasons here, which makes me think, which one is it?

1. He does not find me attractive
2. He is unsure if he loves me
3. He claims to have no sex drive
4. He doesn't want a) sex b) affection c) love

Now those are all very different. Methinks he doth protest too much.

Sounds like he's cheating to me.

1. If he doesn't find you attractive, there is no point going on together, you are who you are, you aren't going to change.

1. He is unsure if he loves me. Big one - possibly the truth. You should ask him more about this. Such as, what did he used to love about you and when did he stop loving you, etc. Don't let him blame you, tell him to make 'I' statements.

1. No sex drive - does he masturbate, does he look at porn? If not and he genuinely has lost his sex drive he should be off the the gp pronto.

1. If he doesn't want sex, there is no point going on together unless you want a sexless marriage. If he doesn't want affection, ditto. And who the hell doesn't want love? I think that he means just not from you. Sorry.

This man has not only gone off sex, he has told his wife that he doesn't find her attractive and is unsure if he loves her.

Many couples can cope with a lack of sex, but few can survive a lack of sex, attraction and love.

This is what makes the difference.

If a male poster reported that his wife had said similar things to him, I would not offer any different advice.

And his trial to "see if we could get back to how we used to be" is really rubbing me the wrong way.

OP- he has to work to get you feeling the way you used to feel about him.

After all he is the one that blooming lost "how things were" so let him find it.

If you are going to change anything OP- do it for YOU.

but to reward him for this is not the way forward.

It'll just be something else next time - "I don't like your cooking anymore"
"maybe you need to work to get it back to how it used to be"

hope you're getting the picture here.