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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being a paranoid bunny boiler?

76 replies

lowenergylightbulb · 23/08/2013 23:08

Over 10+ years ago DH had a longstanding affair with a colleague. He apparantly loved her, I found out and it all followed the usual script of minimising and lying until I grew some balls and kicked him out.

After some time apart he did the 'right' things, he changed jobs etc and went no contact with OW. We got back together and started a new relationship, after a lot of work on stuff, and I thought we were happy.

Yesterday I wanted to see if a FB thing I'd shared had received any conments. His laptop was out and logged into his FB, so (as I've done MANY times before) I tapped my name into the search bar to click on my page. Imagine my surprise when OW's name came up in the search list.

She hasn't got a FB account so it's not like they are 'friends' but obviously the intent must have been there. I've not mentioned it yet. My rational mind says to calm down - I've looked up old boyfriends/friends out of nosiness. My irrational mind is furious and wants to know if the past 10 years have been a sham and he's pining after OW.

What should I do?

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 25/08/2013 00:34

Ime these deep feelings never go away completely, but of course they go away enough to not want to act on them, and to think about the person daily. I as in love like this once (a fling where I risked things for who knows what), with an unsuitable person, and of course I've moved on and had relationships since but just SOMETIMES it comes flooding back, just rose tinted glasses due to the intensity of those past feelings, and I do look him up too but never contact him. What I'm saying is, try not to jump into decisions regarding LTB, we are all human (sadly).

beaglesaresweet · 25/08/2013 00:35

to NOT think

tessa6 · 25/08/2013 00:40

It's shocking he can't be bothered to see it from your point of view whilst you took the time to see it from his. And you have had to deal with all the pain.

beaglesaresweet · 25/08/2013 00:53

I do think he will see it from OP's pov once he calmes down, he obviously lost emotional control once he had the shock of being questioned. I'm sure it's because he felt very embarassed and as if he let OP down. As I say, everyone can have weak moments, BUT all depends what he does tomorrow and whether he recovers and apologises/explains. If he strops even tomorrow - bad news!

Original poster
lowenergylightbulb · 25/08/2013 01:08

I think this has been a lightbulb moment(!) So much of what made things work over the past few years has been about me being strong and reasonable and him being weak and uncontrolled. For instance, tonight 'don't talk to me' and then a violent response.

I'm bored with it. Whether he wants to rehash the past with OW is now irrelevant. How he behaved tonight is not what I want in my life. I expected better, I expected some 'care' It wasn't there.

OP posts:
WhiteandGreen · 25/08/2013 01:53

That must've awful.

Buzzardbird · 25/08/2013 05:41

How you feeling Op?

ExitPursuedByABear · 25/08/2013 05:49

So sorry to read this. We all make compromises but it sounds as if you have reached the end if your tether.

Gaslighting · 25/08/2013 06:29

My husband is doing this screaming and shouting now. Telling me that I'm not allowed to interrogate (question)him. Apparently I can't be helped and everything that is said, I am making up. Even if I repeat it immediately after he has said it. I'm worn out and exhausted by it all. I actually thought yesterday that I would prefer to be dead than carry on like this.

Buzzardbird · 25/08/2013 06:32

Jees gas, its early for tantrums! What happens if you just don't engage?

Wellwobbly · 25/08/2013 07:25

Hi Lowenergy, I told my H very very clearly 'I am not going through this again'.

He recontacted OW, and was then 'surprised' to be petitioned.

What I didn't know, is that he has been in contact w OW before I had said, "I am not going through this again', AND had arranged to be in touch with an old girlfriend.

This isn't about the marriage. It is about them. And you can't control or change anyone other than yourself. I have asked myself: do I want to be with someone who respects me so little? Do I want to be with someone who actually doesn't know what love and companionship is? After that the way was clear.

Wellwobbly · 25/08/2013 07:44

Gaslight, what is going on in your life? Why is he trying to shut you down?

Here is s/thing that I really could not have got even a year ago:

After I caught my ?serial cheating? ex-husband in a web of lies for the 2nd time, I gave him his ?walking papers?. I refused to give him permission to disrespect me and dishonor our teenage daughter.

If he wanted to have sex with a variety of women, then he shouldn?t have gotten married in the first place. If at some point in our 20+ years of marriage, he decided that he couldn?t move forward, he should have been honest with me. I would have gladly signed the divorce papers. I would rather see him happy with someone else, instead of him being miserable with me.

In my opinion, you cannot make another person love or respect you, either they do or they don?t. And his actions told me that he did not love or respect me, so I assisted him in becoming a ?swinging bachelor?.

He has the right to love someone else, and he has the right to always be a part of our daughter?s life. However, he does not have the right to treat me like crap, and think that I would continue to tolerate his adolescent behavior. I?m so happy that he is out of my life. The chaos and negative energy that he constantly brought into our family?s home have been replaced with a sense of well-being, peace and harmony.

AmberLeaf · 25/08/2013 08:07

I was going to suggest in my last post that he will get aggressive next, but didn't want to project.

Such a typical reaction.

You can be cowed by it [which is IMO the reaction hes after] or you get angry.

Him being like this isn't even about how he feels about getting caught, it is done to shut you up and avoid further questioning.

How are things this morning?

Gaslighting · 25/08/2013 08:13

Something happened when i was pregnant, almost 2 years ago. Im still not sure what but culminated in him bringing home presents from another woman that he worked with addressed to 'someone special' with hearts etc all over it. He stayed out overnight a lot at the time. When i said that that behaviour was not on he literally screamed and shouted me down until i was apologising for doubting him. He told me that it was my problem, not his so i had to deal with it.

And that is how it has been ever since. I now have a toddler and have basically been told that i am not allowed to question him as i am mad, stupid, make things up...whichever suits him at that moment.

Original poster
lowenergylightbulb · 25/08/2013 08:33

He's still asleep. Being a twat is obviously tiring.

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 25/08/2013 11:43

low I know not the best time to laugh, but the being a twat is obviously tiring comment has cracked me up!

I would leave him simply for the irrational temper.

Good luck Smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/08/2013 11:46

OP I don't know what sparked this off but he is dreaming if he thinks yelling or stropping is going to make you stop digging or challenging. Fwiw I wouldn't necessarily say the past decade has been a sham or waste of time but he must know he was skating on thin ice hence that defensive reaction.

Sadly I don't think it always pays to be magnanimous when your partner mistakes generosity of spirit for weakness or licence to please himself. We'd all like a 'bit of fun' or 'diversion' but if a recidivist can possibly get away with it he will - so he cannot be depended on. Up to you how much you can tolerate.

MexicanHat · 25/08/2013 12:15

Glad you are LTB OP - he has no respect for you. And you should expect better, infact you absolutely deserve it! He sounds horrible.

Oh Gas that sounds like an awful way to live. When you are thinking that you would rather be dead than carry on with this then it really is time to end this 'relationship'. You have to do it for yours and your DC sake.

Wellwobbly · 25/08/2013 13:24

Oh, poor Gaslight, and how is it now? Is he still stopping out, or has he just shut down that part of your life?

How are you?

Low, how are you? Where are after a night's kip.

I seriously think Lundy Bancroft's book should be handed out to all teenage girls.

Gaslighting · 25/08/2013 20:27

Writing things down this morning has helped me to see how bad this actually is. I have not engaged with him at all today when he has been shouting and have now told him that when he speaks to me like he has been i will walk away and not talk to him. I have been called all sorts of names today but i just went out. I initially had lots of abusive texts which i ignored, followed by 'maybe we can try again' texts culminating in 'i love you' texts.

I believe none of it.

mrspicklepants · 25/08/2013 23:27

Wow I didn't realise u could see all that! I'd noticed on other half's activity log he tends to like and comment on a certain female a lot but I didn't know you could see who he's searched for aswel. I've just checked his but as I use his sometimes its hard to tell what was me and what's him! I tend to search his exes (insecurity perhaps!) but now I know this I won't and I'll see what he's looking for....! Wonder if he knows this as I probably have more to hide than him in that I search for exes to be nosy etc:-/ I can see why your upset op as it was a ow but I have to admit the odd search I have done and I'm no angel. The way your partner has behaved since tho says a lot more and that would be deal breaker for me. Saying that I'm stil with my stroppy oh!!

WhiteandGreen · 26/08/2013 02:07

mrs why would you mind your OH searching his exes, when you do the same?

Wellwobbly · 26/08/2013 09:42

You go, Gaslight! Well done girl.

You have changed the rules...

Let us know how it is. I really really recommend a book Lundy Bancroft 'Should I Stay or Should I Go'?

It is devastating:

  1. they know EXACTLY what they are doing
  2. they know it is unacceptable
  3. they do it to get advantage
  4. because the world revolves around them and you geniunely, genuinely exist only to benefit them, and they will use [the following abusive tactics] to ensure that benefit.

What you have to work out is:

  1. what are those tactics (every arse on the planet fits into a section]
  2. where do they come from? (immaturity, addiction, etc)
  3. what is the likelihood of them changing?
  4. what can you do to facilitate change?
  5. what to look for as evidence of changing/not changing.

and then a wonderful section addressed just to you about how you are worth so much, to follow your dreams to not fear.

He says never, ever, ever stay with an arse who cannot or will not change.

Often ONLY when women geniunely leave will that be the final impetus for them to decide the loss (of all benefits) is worth stopping being an arse. And if it isn't, you have got your life back.

Wellwobbly · 26/08/2013 09:44

White and Green:

because Mrs hasn't fucked any of them whilst in a committed monogamous relationship with him. She hasn't lied, deceived and mentally abused him in order to fuck them behind his back.

You don't seem to get how destructive cheating is? It changes everything.

WhiteandGreen · 27/08/2013 10:38

I didn't realise Mr picklepants had either.

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