Am I being a paranoid bunny boiler?

[lowenergylightbulb]

Over 10+ years ago DH had a longstanding affair with a colleague. He apparantly loved her, I found out and it all followed the usual script of minimising and lying until I grew some balls and kicked him out.

After some time apart he did the 'right' things, he changed jobs etc and went no contact with OW. We got back together and started a new relationship, after a lot of work on stuff, and I thought we were happy.

Yesterday I wanted to see if a FB thing I'd shared had received any conments. His laptop was out and logged into his FB, so (as I've done MANY times before) I tapped my name into the search bar to click on my page. Imagine my surprise when OW's name came up in the search list.

She hasn't got a FB account so it's not like they are 'friends' but obviously the intent must have been there. I've not mentioned it yet. My rational mind says to calm down - I've looked up old boyfriends/friends out of nosiness. My irrational mind is furious and wants to know if the past 10 years have been a sham and he's pining after OW.

What should I do?

You are not being ridiculous as far as I can tell.

He gave a bullshit explanation about searching for LOTS of things. I am beyond pissed off. Can't talk to him properly yet because the kids are about.

Am I over reacting here? Or am I right to feel pissed off?

You are not over reacting. You are right to be pissed off.

Don't let him turn this back in you. He is completely in the wrong here.

I would be very upset. How on earth did he think it would look.
He was obviously just curious, but he should know it is an absolute no go area. What else did he look for? Dud he google her name etc?

I don't think you are overreacting in any way. I have been in the same situation as you (7+ yrs ago-his affair etc) and if this happened now it would feel like a massive kick in the gut.

It doesn't necessarily mean the whole thing has been a sham though. You're going to have to do some digging I'm afraid and the poor lamb should prepare himself for a wee bit more upset.

Good luck.

I don't think you're overreacting - he should have said sorry and that he was curious, but the bullshitting would piss me right off.

He looked for her, no problems or rows bwtween us. Obviously he's entitled to privacy etc but this... it's juvenile and I can't be doing with feeling like this AND being bullshitted.

I want to LTB.

You are justifiably very angry and hurt. It is a horrible reminder of what happened years ago. Your dh now has to fix this 'betrayal'. What would you want him to do?

I think you should say that although he has the right to search for things, maybe even including her, that you discovered it quite honestly and of course it would be triggering for you. He has no right to angry with you, rather than say, embarrassed or neutral. Anger is a worrying response. It suggests lack of empathy or even guilt.

I would, if you can, try and get a control of your temper. You are clearly triggered by this and furious but actually it depends what you want to achieve here. if you want the truth of his actions and motivation you will get there more easily by being calm. Also, as horrible as it is, if it is restricted to a 'search' for her you are never going to know what that was about, and he's not going to admit to more than curiosity, so think about how you want to proceed. If you really do want to end things make sure you know why, make sure you know it's about him and who he is rather than just this one thing. Then go for it.

I'm sorry.

You are not overreacting at all.

Do not let him make out you are being stupid. You have every right to me mad x

Tessa, thank you.

And thank you to everyone else. This has stirred up things that I thought were gone. It's hard to explain but I feel sad.

Well, he punched some walls, woke up the kids, upset them and told me it was all over.

Wish I'd never bloody seen anything.

Jeez, low, are you okay? What rationale did he give for this temper tantrum?

Don't forget that anger is designed as a response to stop the other person from pursuing a line of enquiry and to stop them making the other person feel bad about themselves. try and see it like a tactic, however subconscious, and not be afraid.

What is he angry about? What does he say he is angry about? What do you think he is really angry about?

by the way, I was actually very calm. He took it to a whole other level. Like he did years ago when he was 'found out' I loathe him. He couldn't have a rational conversation, it got heated instantly and then we had the punching stuff which woke up the kids.

I am LTB. Should have done it 10 years ago. There's no care or respect is there?

Well done for being calm. It is an immature and hurtful response from him. Wait for him to calm down, maybe write him an email if you are in separate spaces. Try and be as big and magnanimous as you can be. If you are giving him a chance to explain and find some intimacy and honesty here, he has to be adult enough to take that opportunity. If he doesn't, that sounds like a relationship death knell.

I guess he's angry about being questioned/caught out and he feels embarrassed.

In my mind I thought we'd have a grown up conversation about it. I didn't expect this.

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing for you to want and to pursue. Do you have any other complaint or suspicion in any other part of the relationship?

People tend to be very angry on being confronted about things if they are a) generally immature and narcisstic and controlling or b) channelling a huge amount of adrenaline from guilt or deceit and betrayal. Most people are embarrassed, bemused, nervous or reassuring when confronted, and these reactions tend to indicate honesty and more maturity.

other than the usual hum drum work/kids/being tired thing - no. I really thought we could talk about this calmly.

He does have form for temper tantrums when things annoy him - in our previous relationship it was a feature. He's thrown dinners at the wall, kicked in a door, thrown stuff at me. All related to his great love affair and me being very unreasonable about it.

I've wasted 10 years of my life haven't I?

Not necessarily - but it might feel like that right now.

I'm not trying to justify his actions but he may have been searching on her names just out of a wistful curiosity. He may never have intended to do more than that.

Hopefully he'll calm down and you can talk like grown ups about instead of him hulk smashing around.

No. But you're keen to be told you have. You're having a visceral response to both finding his search for her, and his ugly reaction.

If you want to leave you can leave. Think hard about how that makes you feel.

His tantrums sound wearing and frightening. Why is he SAYING he's so angry?

He's in bed fast asleep. I understand what you're all saying about curiosity - I even told him that I could see why he did it. I just didn't in a million years expect the anger and the tantrum. Maybe I should have a bloody tantrum.

he's angry with himself - for having a lapse and thinking about her or just too weak to resist being curoius. It makes sense it he did worj hard at it.